Keep Me in the Dark
by Clarry
Summary: AU. When a beautiful stranger wanders into the E.R. with no memory, Dr. Logan Mitchell finds his entire world turned upside down as he gets pulled into the mystery. Slash. Possible Kenlos toward the end.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the characters from Big Time Rush and make no money off this at all, I do it because it's fun.

**Author's Notes:**

Another Jagan, yay! Or at least I'm excited, because we know I love Jagan. About a year ago I wrote a story for **kathrynew30**, it was a gift for our one-year friendiversary. The James Diamond in this story is taken directly from that one, though he suffered no amnesia in it. So for that reason, I dedicate this to Kathryn. The title comes from the song by Arcadia, which is basically the theme song for this entire fic.

I also must dedicate it to **joyousbrokenthing**, who is entirely to blame for this being written at all. She tweeted me one night about a vision of Logan as a scientist building a robot James. This story is of course not that at all, but it got me thinking about a situation where Logan basically helps put James back together and within fifteen minutes I had this story pretty much written in my head. I wasn't planning to write a Jagan next, but it wouldn't leave me alone so here we are. Thanks a lot, Tammy. XD

**Aranelle** is always so awesome about reading this stuff and giving me feedback, so thank you for that, Sarah. I love you.

I'm breaking my "Write what you know" rule here and stretching myself on this one, so I've had to do a lot of research and ask advice. I've tried to make it as realistic as I can but I'm sure it won't be completely accurate. Any mistakes are mine, and I thank **squoctobird** for the info she was able to give me about hospital procedure regarding amnesia patients.

One last thing. Because it's a similar situation (Dr. Logan/scared patient James) you may experience flashbacks to "Because I Wanted the Best" if you read that story of mine. I can promise this story will be very different from that one, but as these are the same characters, so to speak, they do act somewhat similar in the same situation. I've also been reminded of "To Each His Own" as I write more of this, with clingy James who has no one to really reach out to except the one who "rescued" him, so to speak. Hopefully that's not too annoying, but again—very different stories.

Enough rambling. Read on and I hope you enjoy!

* * *

The glass doors slid open with a hiss, the chilly waiting room emitting the sounds of a baby crying over a televised newscast. It wasn't exactly comforting, but it was almost familiar.

Or was it? That was the problem, he didn't really know.

He edged to the right to avoid a wheelchair being steered his way, the old man in it looking lost and alone and scaring him almost as much as his current predicament, though he couldn't have said why. He stood watching as the man was rolled to the curb by an orderly, the young pretty thing saying to him "Don't worry, Mr. Pilson, someone from the retirement home will be here any minute to pick you up."

"I'm in no hurry," the old man wheezed. "It's hell there anyway."

He wondered for a moment why the words left him shivering in dread of something he couldn't name. When he was shoved aside by a tired-looking woman dragging a young boy behind her, the child holding his arm as if it was in pain, he realized he needed to move. Following the woman deeper into the emergency room, he stepped up behind her as she signed in at the window.

"Mom, it hurts," the boy whined.

"Just go sit down, Billy. It's your own fault, I told you trampolines were dangerous."

He watched Billy take a seat near the television, looking excited for a moment but then it died when Billy realized it was nothing more thrilling than the local news.

"Sir?"

Facing forward again, he shook himself into action and stepped up to the window. "Hi."

The receptionist didn't even look up. "Sign in and have a seat."

Looking down at the clipboard she'd shoved at him through the opening, he frowned as the panic started to edge in again. "I uh..."

"Just write down your name and the time."

"I can't."

Finally giving him more than a speck of her attention, she glanced up. "You can't read?"

"I can, it's just-"

"Can you write? Did you hurt your hands?"

"No, I can write, but-"

"Name and time," she repeated, dismissing him again.

The panic ratcheted up a notch, oxygen not seeming to enter his lungs when he inhaled. "I don't know," he said, hating the whine in his voice.

"It's 3:15."

"I know, it's just..." Wrapping his arms around himself he tried to fight off the tears.

The woman looked up again, sighing as she took pity on him. "What's your name, sweetie?"

He blinked a few times as if that would make it come to him, but in the end all he could say was, "I don't know. Please help me."

* * *

Dr. Logan Mitchell was just about to sign out for the day when he was hailed by an intern. He was tired, hungry, and wanted nothing more than a hot cup of his favorite tea (possibly after a quick trip to his favorite fast-food place) before crashing into bed for the evening, having put in a double shift at the emergency room. Had it not been Tommy, an intern he truly liked and was taking under his wing, Logan would have waved a hand in dismissal before calling out that he was done for the day. Instead, he held in a sigh and stood waiting at the nurses' station while Tommy approached.

"Got an interesting one for you, doc."

"The only thing interesting to me right now is a juicy burger, some thick-cut fries, and my bed. I'm so ready to go home."

"Yeah, but Dr. Statler said to put you on this."

"Statler?" Logan frowned. Statler hated him, hated his reputation for being one of the best at such a young age. Logan had flown through med school, and though it hadn't been a breeze he had completed it more quickly than most due to his devotion and ability to understand complex subjects as if it was simple arithmetic. Because he was a likable sort of guy who worked hard to keep from stepping on anyone's toes, Logan hadn't made too many enemies since starting at the hospital a year ago. Still, he'd proved himself time and again as someone who could be depended on to have the answers and a plan of attack to cure any ailment, and so the occasional veteran of the staff had seen him as a threat. Statler was one of them, and Statler would only suggest passing a patient off on him in hopes to see him fail in some way. Logan hoped it wasn't some contagious flesh-eating virus he would be dealing with. "Why didn't he handle it himself?"

"He just told me to find you and get you over there." Leaning in confidentially, Tommy said in a low voice, "He probably knows you're trying to leave and wants you to suffer. That guy's such a dick sometimes."

Smirking, Logan refused to be baited into agreement. Instead he replied, "Where am I headed?"

"Bed five. I got his chart right here."

Running one hand through his short brown hair that always stuck up randomly at the end of such a long shift, Logan reached out for it and skimmed it as Tommy shuffled alongside him, rambling. "Dude just showed up off the street, claiming he doesn't know his name or have any memories prior to about an hour before coming in. Everything normal in triage, guy seems healthy enough. I talked to him for a minute when I got him settled in the bed, he's scared. You can see he's trying to be calm, but dude is scared."

"No identification on him?"

"No. Looks like he was maybe out for a run or something, he's got workout clothes on. Sweats and a tank top. He's built, too. Maybe a workout nut."

Biting his lip in concentration, Logan ran over the stats. Blood pressure a little high, but that was to be expected if the guy was scared. Same with pulse. Lungs clear. Could've been anywhere from eighteen to twenty-seven, though he appeared to be closer to eighteen. "Have the police been called yet?"

"Police? You think he's a criminal, doc?"

"No, but someone might have filed a missing persons report on him. Then again, if he's only been like this an hour..." Wracking his brain, Logan tried to recall what he knew of amnesia. He hadn't treated it before, but of course had studied it in psychology and trauma classes. "He's not injured in any way? No bumps to the head or bleeding or anything?"

"Well, that's for you to figure out. But he looks fine, totally normal."

"Not banged up at all?"

"Nope. Clean, takes care of himself, looks like he probably showered this morning. Definitely not homeless."

"If he doesn't get his memory back, he will be soon. Do me a favor and run off a copy of the hospital's policy on amnesia patients? I need to know what to do with this guy if it ends up lasting longer than a day or two."

"You got it. Good luck, doc. Work your magic."

Logan grinned but rolled his eyes. Tommy's worship made him uncomfortable at times, but occasionally it left him feeling pretty good about himself, too. "Get me that paperwork."

Once Tommy had disappeared, Logan crossed the hall to approach bed five. He stopped at the next one over, taking a minute to skim the chart one more time. He recalled that there were different types of amnesia and that they were brought on by various triggers, but truly he had no experience dealing with it. He was nervous, feeling the constant pressure to prove himself and to be the best (or at least better than most). Reminding himself that whatever he didn't know at this point he could easily learn, he took a deep breath and moved forward to turn into the cubicle that housed bed five.

The first thing Logan was aware of was a pair of wide hazel eyes glancing up suddenly from the floor. They locked onto his in fear, Logan slowing his pace to a stop both from the need to communicate a non-threatening vibe and because he was slightly breathless. He hadn't formed any ideas of what their John Doe might look like, but he certainly wasn't expecting such beauty. The man was definitely built, as Tommy had said, and definitely took care of himself. Clothed in gray sweats, a tight black tank top, and sturdy running shoes, the man sat with his legs dangling off the edge of the bed while his elbows rested on his thighs. His hands were clasped together as if he didn't know what else to do with them, and as he met Logan's gaze he sat up straighter, dark chestnut hair falling over one eye. It was long enough to brush against his collar had there been one, and Logan imagined it would shine under bright lights or in the sun, that those eyes would sparkle when amused. How it was possible that even the man's lashes and eyebrows were beautiful was a mystery to Logan, who normally didn't fall for the pretty ones. He liked quirky, unique types with more understated beauty, but this guy already had his pulse racing just from a nervous lick of the lips.

"Hi," he started, reminding himself that he was at work, not at a club looking to find the man of his dreams. Calm and professional at all times, that was Dr. Logan Mitchell. "I'm Dr. Mitchell."

"Hey. I'd tell you my name, but uh..."

"Yeah." Logan chuckled slightly and it seemed to put the guy at ease a bit. "I read over your chart, you're having a pretty bad day."

"You could say that," the man laughed, watching Logan take a seat on a stool by the bed. "Can you at least tell me what city I'm in?"

"You don't even know that? Didn't they have you fill out paperwork when you came in?"

"There wasn't much I could write. I was freaked out while trying to do it, this kid Billy kept kicking my chair and instead of paying attention to what I was doing, I spent the time trying not to haul off and deck him."

"Smart move, that wouldn't have gone over well with so many witnesses around," Logan grinned, pleased to see that the guy was relaxing even more. "You're in Los Angeles."

"California?"

"Yeah, that's the only one I know of," Logan quipped, but then felt bad. Who knew just how much of this man's memory had been erased, or even if he was educated? His manner of speaking left Logan reasonably sure that he was at least of average intelligence, though. Or so Logan hoped. "Does that feel weird to you? Like maybe California isn't your normal place of residence?"

"I'm...not really sure. And I hate that, I hate not knowing something that simple. I should know where the hell I live."

"Does anything feel wrong? Other than the obvious loss of memory? Are you in any pain at all, feel disoriented, nausea, anything like that?"

He shook his head, bangs shifting slightly as he moved. "I feel great. And I checked out a mirror, I look fantastic. I just can't seem to remember how I got this way."

Logan couldn't argue that. His eyes traveled down over the muscular frame, taking in the hard ab muscles that were hinted at through the tank and what he imagined were toned thighs. _Focus, Dr. Mitchell. _ "Tell me what you do remember."

He took a breath, relaxing even more and allowing his posture to sag slightly. "I was in a park."

"Okay."

"There were kids skateboarding and I heard them coming up behind me, recognized that sound."

Logan made a note on his chart. "When was this?"

"About an hour before I showed up here."

"Go on."

"And I moved, sat on a bench because suddenly I felt kind of...weird."

"Weird how?"

"I don't know, just weird. Off."

"Disoriented?"

"What exactly does that mean?"

"It means you lose your sense of time, place, even your identity sometimes. You're basically lost, but in your mind."

The snapping of fingers was followed by the guy pointing at Logan. "That. That right there. I sat there on the bench feeling...disconnected. I watched the people around me, looked at the trees and buildings in the distance and like...it felt like I'd never seen them before."

"No dizziness or nausea?"

"A little bit, I think, my stomach started to act up. Like I wanted to throw up."

"Did you?"

"No. I just sat there wondering what the fuck was—oh. Sorry."

Logan nodded. "Go on, and don't hold back. There are clues in the way you speak and the words you use."

"So because I cussed, that means something?"

"You never know, it might. If you feel like saying something or doing something, do it. It's all pieces of the puzzle."

The man considered that, chewing on his lip before speaking again. "So anything I do know, I should tell you?"

"Yes. It will help us determine your lifestyle and hopefully where you came from, if it's not here."

"Okay. Can we uh...close the curtain for a minute?"

"The curtain?" Logan stood up, reaching out to grab it. "Sure. You want to show me something?" And damn if that didn't get Logan's heart racing again. _Knock it off. Professional._

"No, I just...well." Once the curtain had been pulled closed, blocking them from view of others, he gestured Logan closer. "I've figured out something," he said, voice just above a whisper.

"What?" Logan whispered, feeling like a kid sharing some monumental secret that was too cool for adults.

"I like guys."

Logan stepped back suddenly, eyes wide as he fought for composure. The last thing he needed to do was make the man feel like any more of a freak. "Okay." Clearing his throat, Logan acted as if that hadn't been the best news he'd heard in weeks. "So you're gay."

"Maybe."

"Maybe? If you like guys..."

"What if I like girls, too?"

"That wouldn't be a problem," Logan smiled. "Some people like both, it's fine."

He nodded. "I haven't felt the pull with any girls I've seen, though."

"How did you know you liked guys?"

He bit the inside of his cheek, face reddening. "I saw one that woke me up to that fact. So to speak."

"Okay. Nothing wrong with that, we don't judge here." Attempting to reassure the man, Logan smiled and then jotted down another note. "What happened after you felt sick to your stomach?"

"I sat there until it passed, and then started thinking about my day. When I realized I couldn't even remember how I got to the park or anything before that, I got scared."

"I imagine so. You honestly can't remember anything at all prior to that moment? Not what you had for breakfast or what time you woke up or even if you drove there?"

"Nothing. It's a complete blank. I know I must've eaten a long time ago, though, because I'm starving now."

"Well, it's almost five o'clock. Even if you'd eaten breakfast, you'd be hungry now."

"Doc? You in there?"

Tommy's voice had Logan holding up a finger. "I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere."

He laughed, relaxing again. "Yeah, got nowhere to go. No problem there."

Logan stepped out past the curtain, where Tommy was waiting with a small packet of papers. "Here you go. It says if he has no money he can stay here for a little while, but then he has to go to a home. They have those set up for people on charity care, which is what he would be."

"Right. Thanks, Tommy." Logan took the paperwork, scanning it quickly with a frown.

"So is he okay? Still scared?"

"Yeah, but he's starting to relax." Keeping his voice down, Logan continued, "Discovering things about himself, even if he can't remember the vital information. I don't think he's from around here, though I guess he could be."

"What are you gonna do with him? Admit him?"

"I'll have to if he doesn't have any breakthroughs, and he doesn't seem anywhere near that at this point."

"It's sad, a guy like that probably has a wife somewhere, or at least a girlfriend. They'll worry about him."

Logan doubted that, considering the man's recent omission about his preferences, but he said, "At least if that's the case they'll file a police report. I wonder if his fingerprints are on file anywhere."

"Yeah, I saw that on a T.V. show. Some lady had amnesia but the cops were able to identify her that way and it turned out she killed a bunch of people. Crazy, huh?"

"Well, let's hope this one hasn't killed anyone." The thought hadn't even crossed Logan's mind even though Tommy had mentioned the possibility of him being a criminal earlier. "I don't get that vibe from him, he seems like just a normal guy."

"So did the lady. Be careful, doc."

"I'm really not worried about it," Logan chuckled. "Thanks again."

He stepped around the curtain, eyes still on the paperwork.

"I didn't kill anyone."

That had Logan's head shooting up. "I'm sorry?"

"I heard what that guy said. I didn't kill anyone."

Wanting to smack Tommy, Logan replied, "I never said you did. He has a very active imagination, please don't take it personally."

"Okay, I just...I would know that, right? If I killed someone?"

"The truth is you might not know. I'm sorry. But there's no need to worry about that yet. We're going to make sure you're all there physically before letting you loose, so even if you did do something illegal we won't know it for a few days. Unless of course your memory returns sooner, which happens sometimes. As far as you know, this isn't a recurring thing with you, right?" Logan realized it was a dumb question as soon as he asked it—how would the man possibly know in his current state?

"I don't think so. I mean, I can't really tell but..."

"Yeah. How did you end up here?"

"After sitting at the park for a while, I started to freak out. Couldn't breathe, my throat closed up and my chest was tight and I felt like I was gonna pass out, but not like I was sick, just..."

"Panic attack. Totally understandable in your situation."

"Once I calmed down, I thought maybe something else was wrong with me, so I came here. Asked a woman in the park where I could find a hospital, and she pointed me here."

"Were you at the park down the street?"

"Yeah. I walked here, it's just a few blocks."

"Got it." Another note was made, Logan thinking to pass on that information for the police to research. "Okay, here's what we're gonna do. I'm gonna check you out for any immediate physical issues, get you some blood work and urine tests ordered, then we'll-"

"Blood work? Like...needles?"

Smirking, Logan added another note. "Yes, needles. It's necessary."

"I don't like needles. Write that down on your little chart."

"I just did," Logan chuckled. "How do you feel about changing into a hospital gown? Any anxiety over that?"

The man frowned. "No. None at all. I could probably walk around here naked and it wouldn't bother me."

"Whoa. Really." That was interesting, and possibly telling. Another note was scribbled. "Well, we're not going to allow that. A body like yours would have everyone in the cardiac unit within five minutes."

"Oh? A body like mine? Just what sort of body do I have, Dr. Mitchell?"

The flirty tone had Logan blushing, but he kept his eyes on his clipboard. "Obviously a rather nice one. You definitely work out. Tommy, the intern who brought you in here, suggested you might've been out for a run when this hit. Does that sound plausible?"

"A run. Hmm." After considering it, the guy shrugged. "I guess that's possible. I was a little sweaty."

"Okay, good to know. See, every tiny piece of information like that is helpful. It may seem like nothing important, but again—it's all pieces of a puzzle."

"My life is a puzzle. Great."

The sarcasm had Logan reaching out to squeeze the man's shoulder before he dropped his hand. "The nice thing about puzzles is that when they're all done and put together, they're beautiful and everything makes sense. You find that the time and effort you put into working the puzzle was worth it. We'll get you figured out. It may not be right away, and you may have a lot of scary moments before then, and honestly you may not like what you find once you do get it all put together. But we'll get there, okay? Try not to worry about it. Enjoy not having any responsibilities for the time being and focus on discovering yourself."

He was quiet for a time, then said, "I'm scared. I can't help it."

"I know. We're gonna take care of you, though. Promise. After the tests, I'm sending you for an EEG and a full-body MRI."

"What's that?" he asked suspiciously.

"The EEG is a test done to measure your brainwaves and study the patterns. We have to rule out certain things that sometimes cause amnesia, like epileptic seizures."

"Is it scary?"

"Not at all, you just lay there. The MRI can be a little scary if you're claustrophobic. Are you?"

"I have no idea."

"Does the thought of being in a small, enclosed space scare you?"

"Wouldn't that scare anybody?"

Pursing his lips, Logan said, "I think you're okay. If it was that horrible of an idea, you'd probably be freaking out right now. If you need something, they can give you a sedative. The bad news is I can't let you eat until all of the tests are done, and that won't be for a few hours, at least. I'm sorry."

"Aw, come on. I'm starving, doc!"

"I know, I'm sorry. I'll make sure they send you some food after, okay?"

"Am I supposed to stay here all night?"

"They'll admit you to a room. I want you to stay here at least until tomorrow, so we can monitor you and go over the tests thoroughly."

"But I don't have any way to pay for anything. My wallet...I don't know where it is."

"Don't worry about that. You're one of those special cases that isn't billed for this stuff, unless of course you do regain your memory and have a place for them to send the bill. So no rush on that, okay?" Logan winked. He was pleased to see the guy smile.

"Got it. You know, you're really cute."

Blindsided, all Logan could do was blink at him a few times before feeling his face heat up as he looked down at the clipboard.

"Sorry. Guess I'm not all that shy."

"No, I'd say not." Logan opened a drawer under the bed, pulling out a gown and tossing it toward him. "Here, get naked under this, Mr. Not-So-Shy. I'll send Tommy back in for your physical exam. A nurse will be in soon to get you fixed up for the tests, and once they get you settled in a room they'll bring you dinner."

"Thanks." The guy let the gown unfold, flapping it to open it completely. "When will I know something?"

"Probably not until morning, unless something is seriously wrong. A doctor will be assigned your case and he'll most likely meet with you in the morning." Logan averted his eyes as the tank top was lifted up and over the man's head, baring him from the waist up. He was even more sculpted than Logan had imagined. _Holy fuck, I need to get out of here. _

The movements stilled, though, as the black material was thrown aside. "Wait, what? You're not my doctor?"

"At the moment I am, yes. But I'm an E.R. doc; once you move into a regular room, they'll assign you a permanent physician."

"But...I want you. Why can't it be you?" The fear was starting to crowd in again, his eyes slowly filling with terror.

"Hey, relax." Logan stepped forward and laid a hand on the man's forearm. "We're all capable here, and your well-being is our first concern. You'll be fine."

"But I know you. You're cute and you're nice and what if I get some scary guy who doesn't give a shit about me? What if nobody cares, and they throw me out on the street and-"

"Shh. It's okay, that's not gonna happen. I have the policy right here in my hand, and I guarantee you're safe for at least a few days. If it makes you feel better, I'll check up on you tomorrow when I come in for my shift, okay? If there are any problems at all, you can let me know. I promise, though, we'll take care of you."

"How will you find me? I don't even have a name."

"John Doe is the name given to patients with no memory."

"So I'm the only one in the whole hospital?"

"It's not a prevalent condition. You probably are."

"What if I'm not? Look, I'm scared and I don't know who I am, I don't have anyone, and right now the only person in this world I know I can count on is you. Please, Dr. Mitchell. Make sure I'm taken care of."

The pleading went straight to his heart, Logan melting a bit. "Why don't we give you a name? Something that's not John Doe, if that's what you want. I'll make sure all of your information is filed under that name, so that I'll know where to find you."

"Can we do that?"

"I don't know, but we're going to. Pick a name."

"Any name?"

"Whatever works for you."

"Okay, um...what's your name?"

"My name's Logan, but you're not stealing that."

He chuckled, shaking his head. "No, I wanted to pick a name that isn't yours. So no Logan."

"No Logan," Logan repeated.

"What do I look like?"

_The epitome of the perfect man. A god._ "Uh...I have no idea. Just pick a name."

"Wait. Wait, I know some Bible history."

"You do?" Logan immediately wrote that down. "A lot?"

"Enough to know I like Joseph. Do you know that story?"

"Vaguely," Logan replied. "A Hebrew who became the king of Egypt, right?"

"No, not the king. But really high up, he was like second in command to Pharoah."

"Okay."

"I want to be Joseph."

"Joseph it is." Logan wrote that down. "Joseph Doe, or are we changing that, too?"

"That sounds stupid. I also liked David, so let's go with that. Joseph David."

"Or perhaps David Joseph."

"Don't confuse me now, Dr. Mitchell. I'm confused enough as it is."

Logan laughed, reaching out to squeeze the guy's arm again. "Okay, then. Which are we going with?"

"Joseph. Joseph David."

Logan smiled, holding out his right hand. "Nice to meet you, Joseph. I'm Logan."

Joseph gave him a sweet smile, then shook. "I'm your responsibility now. Isn't that some kind of doctor rule or something? You're sworn to take care of your patients no matter what?"

"It's called the Hippocratic Oath, and yes. We're bound by it. I must do everything in my power to make sure you are given proper treatment and taken care of to the best of my abilities."

"There you go, then. I'm your headache, no passing me off on someone else."

"All doctors are sworn to that, not just me."

"But you saw me first. So I'm yours."

Logan chuckled, more amused than he should've been; if this Joseph character wasn't so gorgeous and obviously gay, would he still find the situation funny? Probably not. "Listen. Another part of the Hippocratic Oath is that we're sworn to keep whatever you tell us to ourselves. Your medical conditions and anything else you might say to me. So while your physical issues will be available to anyone with access, what you say to me is between us, unless it relates directly to your condition."

"Meaning nobody else has to know I like guys?"

"Not unless you tell them."

He nodded. "Okay. Thank you."

"Now put that gown on already so I can focus on something besides your pecs."

Joseph grinned, his eyes lighting up in a way they hadn't since he'd first walked into the building. Logan was relieved to see him smile rather than suffer the fear of what must be the most terrifying experience any human could ever go through. "You just want me to take my pants off."

"Keep dreaming, Mr. David." But Logan was smirking as he turned away, one hand on the curtain.

"Wait, I have one very important question."

Logan swallowed. No way was he stupid enough to get into any kind of involvement with a patient, not even a god-like beauty like this man. "What?"

"Why is it named after a hippo?"

It took a second, but then it sank in. Logan turned back to see if Joseph was messing with him, but he was honestly curious. "It's um...no. It's named after the Greek physician Hippocrates. He's the one who's believed to have written that oath."

"Oh." Joseph's face turned bright red. "I guess that's one more thing you can add to your list. I'm not the smartest guy in the world."

"Don't feel bad. A lot of people don't know that."

"No, but I'm probably the only one who thought it had to do with a hippo."

Logan shrugged. "That just makes you unique," he grinned.

"So are you...leaving now?"

"Yes. My shift should've been over an hour ago. Well, technically it should've been over at eight o'clock this morning, but who's counting?"

"Oh wow. Thanks for staying. I'm glad it was you I got, you're nice."

"It's my job," Logan smiled. "I'll check on you in the morning, okay?"

"Okay."

"Don't be scared. I know that's hard right now, nothing is concrete in your life and you're going through all these tests, but you're in good hands. When you feel the panic starting, watch some T.V. or try to figure out what you like to do. Don't worry about regaining the past, work with what you know now. Write down the things you can figure out about yourself."

Joseph nodded, obviously trying to be brave. "Okay. Thanks, doc."

"And if you can't handle it, let the nurses know. They can give you something to help you sleep once the tests come back all clear."

"What if they don't?"

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Hang in there."

"Yeah. Thanks."

Joseph watched the doctor disappear around the curtain, terror setting in at the notion that he would never see him again. Dr. Mitchell could say whatever he had to right now, but Joseph knew he was just another patient. While he didn't doubt that the doctor would make sure he was taken care of, Joseph feared he would be passed off to someone who didn't make him feel safe the way Dr. Mitchell did.

_Logan. His name is Logan. And when he smiles at me, he's really seeing me. He cares. Or at least I think he does._

Trying to relax, Joseph hopped off the bed and kicked his shoes off, then slid down his pants. It felt natural, like something he did often, but then again didn't most people? Taking off your pants was a daily activity.

_Don't worry about it. Just focus on what you do know. Like the fact that Dr. Mitchell is hot. He may be straight, who really knows, but at least I get to see that smile again tomorrow. I gotta make him laugh more._

As he worked the hospital gown over his arms, Joseph could only hope that he would indeed see Dr. Mitchell the following morning.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the characters from Big Time Rush and make no money off this at all, I do it because it's fun.

**Author's Notes:**

Another Jagan, yay! Or at least I'm excited, because we know I love Jagan. About a year ago I wrote a story for **kathrynew30**, it was a gift for our one-year friendiversary. The James Diamond in this story is taken directly from that one, though he suffered no amnesia in it. So for that reason, I dedicate this to Kathryn.

I also must dedicate it to **joyousbrokenthing**, who is entirely to blame for this being written at all. She tweeted me one night about a vision of Logan as a scientist building a robot James. This story is of course not that at all, but it got me thinking about a situation where Logan basically helps put James back together and within fifteen minutes I had this story pretty much written in my head. I wasn't planning to write a Jagan next, but it wouldn't leave me alone so here we are. Thanks a lot, Tammy. XD

**Aranelle** is always so awesome about reading this stuff and giving me feedback, so thank you for that, Sarah. I love you.

* * *

Logan stopped by the admissions desk on his way out to have a conversation with Barbara, who was always happy to see Logan and encourage him to eat and sleep more; she reminded him of his mother, and that was probably one of the main reasons Logan liked her so much. He convinced her to change the John Doe to Joseph David after explaining why, and that he wanted to be able to keep an eye on the patient. She reminded Logan that as a John Doe he would be pulled out of the billing system, but Logan said he wasn't worried about it; as long as he was listed under charity care for insurance purposes, there was no worry on that score.

Dinner was grabbed in a drive-thru, and even though he was exhausted once arriving home he booted up his laptop before changing into sweats and a t-shirt. As he scarfed down the burger and fries he'd been craving all day, he reacquainted himself with the condition known as dissociative fugue. There were of course different types of amnesia, but Joseph's fit the symptoms of this one to a tee. He had no recollection of his past, but was able to recall everything that had happened since the "break."

The more Logan read, the more fascinated he became, unable to understand how it must feel to not know your own self. The one thing you woke up knowing every morning was who you were, it was like breathing. He remembered studying the subject, both in high school and med school, and how the idea of it made his skin crawl. Not having control of your own mind had to be the scariest thing to ever experience. True, it was said that most humans only used about ten percent of their brain anyway, but at least in that ten percent they had total control over everything except the subconscious and the parasympathetic nervous system, which handled automatic functions like breathing and digestion. At least most people were able to recall where they were born and the people in their lives.

Not that there were many of those in Logan's. He'd always been somewhat of a loner, focused more on school than on every other area of his life, and that had extended into the workplace as well. He was genuinely liked by most who met him and able to carry on conversations easily, but there weren't many who knew him outside of the professional image he put out. There was his mother, of course, but he only saw her for holidays and the occasional visit when she could find the time. He'd had a close friend in school for a short time, and it had been wonderful, but then the friend moved away and he'd never found anyone he felt comfortable opening up to the way he had with his buddy. Even dating was difficult, both because he was so busy all the time and because he was naturally shy around those he was attracted to. The only reason he'd been able to function around Joseph was because he was in his element, in the place and the capacity he felt most confident in himself and his abilities.

Sitting back in his favorite office chair at the beat-up desk he couldn't bear to part with, he balled up the wrappers from his food and neatly deposited them in a nearby trash can before sipping through a straw and engrossing himself in more studies about amnesia. He had forgotten a lot of it, especially that there were people who actually faked amnesia to avoid responsibility and in effect run from their lives. Pondering Joseph and the fear he'd picked up both in the body language and Joseph's eyes, Logan didn't see that as the case in this situation. Anything was possible, of course, but he hadn't felt that Joseph was faking it.

He chewed on his straw and continued to read, heart opening more and more to this beautiful stranger who was suffering a fate Logan considered worse than death. Joseph's type of amnesia was more rare than most people imagined, affecting only a tiny amount of patients with memory loss. It could be brought on by seizures, as he'd mentioned earlier, but also by an intensely traumatic experience. Joseph didn't look as if he'd been through anything overly stressful, but Logan knew that meant nothing. It wasn't about what he appeared to be, but what was going on inside his head.

Against his better judgment, Logan pulled out his phone and called the hospital, asking to be put through to Tommy. After waiting a few minutes, foot tapping the carpet beneath the desk, Logan heard Tommy's voice in his ear.

"What's up, doc?"

"Don't you ever get tired of saying that?"

"Not as tired as you probably get of hearing it."

"I have to admit, if it wasn't in the Bugs Bunny voice I probably would've smacked you by now."

Tommy laughed. "So really. What's up?"

"Any results on that John Doe yet? Has he had the tests?"

"Dude, you know how long those tests take."

"I put a rush on the orders. The poor guy is going through hell, and the sooner he knows something—anything-the better. Even if it's just telling him what he doesn't have to worry about. How late are you there tonight?"

"I'm here until three A.M., buddy. You remember the intern days, twelve-hour shifts from hell."

"Yeah. Is he doing okay?"

"I don't know, haven't seen him since they took him down for his EEG. Want me to check on him?"

"Would you? And call me back?"

"No problem, but why the interest?"

"I don't know, I just felt so bad for him. You're right, he's really scared."

"Yeah. Damn, never a dull moment around here. We got a gunshot victim on the way in, but if I get a free moment I'll track down your John Doe, okay?"

"Thanks. Oh, wait. It's Joseph. Look under the name Joseph David."

"Whoa, he remembered his name?"

"No, it's...don't worry about it. Long story. But that's the name he was admitted under. Thanks, Tommy."

"You got it, buddy. I'll be in touch."

"Thank you."

The call ended and Logan felt a bit better, knowing that someone would be watching over Joseph at least until three. He had to be back on the scene himself at nine, but was planning to arrive an hour early to visit with Joseph. He'd promised that much.

Logan fell into bed exhausted, his eyelids wanting to close the moment his cheek settled into the softness of the pillow. He fought it long enough to set his alarm and check his phone one last time to make sure the ringer wasn't set to silent mode; he didn't want to miss Tommy's call.

As he drifted off he remembered a paragraph he'd read relating to the tendency of some amnesic patients to develop an attachment to those working closely with them in recovery of their memories. It was natural for someone who had no one to cling to the one person they did have, the person who made them feel safe and was there to hold their hand every step of the way. Joseph fit that category already, having said as much to Logan before he left the hospital, and while he knew he should probably be concerned with that, Logan couldn't bring himself to be. Joseph had needed someone in that moment, and he would continue to be scared but it would become easier-not only as the memories returned, but as he met more people who were there specifically to aid him in his recovery.

_Don't worry about it. A few days tops and he'll be fine, not need to cling to you anymore._

It was almost a pity. Logan wasn't sure he minded being needed by someone like that.

XXX

When the phone did ring it was after midnight. Logan's eyes shot open and he blinked in the dark, wondering who the hell would phone him so late when he wasn't on call. The display showed him Tommy's cell number, though, and it all came back.

_Joseph._

He answered with a groggy, "Hey, how is he?"

"Dr. Mitchell?"

Rubbing his eyes with one hand, Logan frowned. That wasn't Tommy. "Yes?"

"Hi, Tommy said I should call you. This is uh...Joseph?"

_Shit. Wow. Okay._ Logan sat up, shifting in his bed until he was leaning back against the wall. "Hi. You doing okay?'

"Yeah, just...I'm sorry. Did I wake you?"

"It's fine, I told Tommy to call. I had him check on you, make sure you were all right."

"I'm okay. That brain test wasn't too bad, but I had to lay there forever and I think they pulled out a crapload of my hair when they took off the sticky things."

"I know. I'm sorry. How about the MRI, did you have any problems with that?"

"At first I did, but they shot me up with something and I calmed down. It's like being in a coffin."

"I can imagine." Logan yawned suddenly.

"I'm fine, I'll let you get some sleep."

"No, it's okay. Did you get some dinner?"

"Yeah. It was better than I expected, I always heard hospital food sucked."

Logan was silent for a second, then said, "Do you realize what you just said? Where did you hear that?"

"What? Oh, the food thing...oh. _Oh._ Whoa. Shit, let me think..." A sigh was followed by, "No. Nothing. But I heard that, I know I did. And I remembered something."

"What?"

"It's nothing big, but I remembered that when I first got to the emergency room, the sounds were familiar. Like I've been in one before. I guess most people have, though, right?"

"It's a safe bet, but it's still a piece of the puzzle. I'm going to bring you a notebook tomorrow for you to start keeping a journal. Anything you remember, no matter how small, write it down, okay?"

"So you _are_ coming to see me?"

"Of course I am. I said I would."

"Yeah, but you could've just been saying that to shut me up. I was acting like a clingy little brat."

"No, you weren't," Logan chuckled. "You were acting like someone who is suffering from dissociative fugue and is naturally scared by it."

"Dissociative fugue? Is that what's wrong with me?"

"Yes. I read up on it tonight. We'll talk more about it tomorrow. Have they assigned you a doctor yet?"

"I don't know. I can ask Tommy."

"Tommy. Where is Tommy?"

"He had to go somewhere but said he'd come right back for his phone. I didn't ask to call you, I promise. He was about to dial and said I should talk to you instead, that you would feel better hearing from me that I was okay."

"He was right," Logan smiled. "You sound more calm. Did they give you anything else to relax you?"

"No, just the shot before the scan thing."

"And you were okay with the needle?"

"Not really, but I managed not to punch anyone out."

Surprised, Logan laughed. "That's always a good thing. Does that feel like something you've done before when faced with a needle?"

"I don't know. It was tempting."

It occurred to Logan then that this was the second time Joseph had mentioned wanting to punch someone—first the kid in the waiting room, and now a lab tech who had administered a shot. Was this significant? Did Joseph resort to violence often as a way to deal with fear or annoyance?

"You there, doc?"

"Yeah. Sorry, my brain was going. It usually is."

"That's kind of-"

The words cut off and Logan frowned. "What?"

"Nothing. I'm exhausted and can't even figure out my own brain. I think I just need sleep."

"That's a good idea. You've been through a lot today. Just try to relax, not think so much about it all. We can deal with it tomorrow."

Joseph was quiet and Logan opened his mouth, but then Joseph spoke. "Logan?"

That one word was so hesitant, so scared. "Yeah?"

"Are you sure you can't be my doctor? I feel like you actually care about me."

Biting his lip, Logan held in a sigh. "I'm sorry, I work the E.R. I don't stray outside of that, they need me there."

"Okay. Goodnight. And thank you for caring."

Logan smiled. "Not a problem, Joseph. Get some sleep."

"You, too. I was told I get pancakes for breakfast. If you make it here by eight, I'll let you have a bite."

Grinning because Joseph was pretty cute himself, Logan said, "I'd already planned on it. You're gonna be fine."

"Tommy's here, I gotta give the phone back."

"Okay. Goodnight, Joseph."

"Goodnight, Dr. Mitchell."

Logan plugged his phone back into the charger and settled under the blankets again, imagining Joseph alone and in a foreign place. Then again, right now every place was foreign to him.

_I can't even imagine what that feels like. No place to call home, no one to talk to when he's scared._

But that wasn't exactly true; Logan had become that person, and as much as he knew that professionally it was a bad idea, he found himself wanting to be a friend to Joseph. It was probably best that Logan wasn't his doctor, because then there'd be a conflict of interest.

_Like there isn't already? You've got the staff bending rules and checking up on him, Logan. That's not exactly professional._

Still, he didn't feel too horrible about it. He was sworn to care for those who needed him, and Joseph certainly did.

* * *

Rolling out of bed the next morning wasn't easy, but Logan managed it with the thought of Joseph spurring him on. A hot shower worked wonders to wake him up, as did the cup of coffee from his favorite shop.

He made one more stop, refusing to acknowledge that maybe he was getting too attached, and then at the hospital found someone who could get him up to speed on the whereabouts and status of Joseph David.

Logan learned that Joseph was to be assigned to Faith Peterson, one of his favorite people at the hospital, and immediately felt better about the whole thing; there was no question Joseph would be in good hands. He waited for her near the nurse's station on Joseph's floor, greeting her with a bright smile when she approached.

"Logan Mitchell, what are you doing out of your cage?"

"Oh, you know. It's feeding time."

"Yeah? So where is _my_ coffee?"

Glancing guiltily down at the cup in his hand, Logan scrunched his nose. "Uh...I can go grab you some from the cafeteria if you want."

"I'm joking, I just had two cups. It's going to be a long day. When are you on?"

"In about an hour. I admitted a patient last night that you're taking over and I wanted to know how his tests came out."

Faith shifted to pick up a stack of charts that had been laid in a cubby with her name taped to it. "What's the name?"

"David. Joseph David."

Flipping through the names, Faith found Joseph's file near the top. "What's he in for?"

"Dissociative fugue. Can't remember anything prior to yesterday afternoon."

"Oh, damn. This'll be my first time dealing with serious amnesia. I'd better study up."

"Yeah, I brushed up myself last night." Logan grabbed for the folder, sifting through the paperwork.

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why brush up? He's no longer your concern."

"You'll know when you meet him. I mean, besides the fact that it's a fascinating case, the guy is...I don't know. He makes you want to help him."

"As opposed to the ones you don't want to help," Faith teased.

"Be quiet, you know what I mean. Some of these patients are..." He trailed off, frowning. "Why are there no test results in this?"

"If he just had them last night, they're probably on file in the system. Come on, let's check out your Joseph-wait, why isn't his name John Doe? If he remembers his name-"

"He doesn't. He chose that name, though, so I allowed it. He based it off biblical characters, by the way."

"Interesting."

Logan followed Faith to the tiny office she shared with a few other doctors. He watched her roll the chair up to her desk and call up the information they needed, and then Logan's eyes scrolled the screen.

Joseph's brain tests and blood work had come back normal, as did his urine. His physical showed nothing abnormal either. It was a relief to Logan, who had feared it was possibly something life-threatening causing the memory loss. "So he's fine."

"Physically," Faith agreed. "Mentally, I'd say he's got a lot going on. Probably more than we can deal with. I wonder how old the scars are."

"What scars?"

Pointing at words on the screen, Faith said, "These. You didn't notice them last night?"

Someone, most likely Tommy, had noted wrist scars that were obviously signs of a suicide attempt. "Shit. No, I didn't examine him, Tommy handled that. I just talked to him and ordered the tests. What the hell is your story, Joseph?" Logan murmured to himself.

"Yeah," Faith nodded. "Definitely a lot going on up there. I'll talk to him and see what he wants to do, but if there's nothing physically wrong with him I can't keep him here much longer."

"You can set him up with a psychiatrist, though, right? Get him settled someplace? He has no money and no home."

"Of course, I wasn't going to toss him out on his ear. There's a procedure in place for all this, Logan. He'll be fine."

That was what he'd been telling Joseph for the past twelve hours or so, but now he was worried. Where would Joseph go? He knew better than to even consider bringing him home, though he did have a guest room and it would set his mind at ease.

Joseph was a stranger, though. The scars were a powerful reminder of that, of the fact that Joseph didn't appear out of thin air. Somewhere he had a life, probably one he was running from. "Hey," he said suddenly. "I was reading that some people actually fake this sort of amnesia to escape from responsibility. I don't think this guy is, but I want your take."

"It had already crossed my mind. Don't worry, Logan, he's in good hands."

"I know, I just..."

Faith studied him. "What's in the bag, Logan?"

"This?" Immediately the bag was shoved behind him. "Nothing, just a few things he might need."

"Oh, Logan," Faith sighed. "We all go through this at some point, end up with a patient we get attached to-"

"I'm not attached, Faith. The guy has no clothes and no money to get any, so I brought him a couple pairs of pants and some shirts. Some socks and underwear, that sort of thing. It's no big deal."

"I'm not judging you. You have a big heart, and it's natural to feel like he's your responsibility, but he's not. He has a life somewhere, possibly a family and most likely friends who are worried about him. Remember that, that eventually it will all come back to him and he'll go back where he came from."

"I know that." Trying not to be annoyed with Faith because he knew she was right, Logan said, "I'm not attached, though. If I was I'd be moving the guy in with me, spending all my money on him. I'm not stupid, I just need to know he's got a few things to get him going until he does remember."

"The police will be his best bet in figuring out his past. Even if he doesn't remember, they might find his identity. It's hard to believe he left no trail whatsoever."

"I know. And I'm hoping for that, I really am. Once he's back where he belongs, he's not my concern."

Studying him once again, Faith sighed. "I'll be in to see him within the hour. You want me to take the clothes to him?"

"No, I promised I'd check on him. I believe he's got a bite of pancakes waiting for me."

Shaking her head, Faith shooed him toward the door. "Go."

Logan stopped just outside it, a hand resting on the frame while the plastic bag slid down to his elbow. "He just needs a friend right now. Is it wrong to be that for him?"

"No, Logan, just be careful. We don't know anything about this guy's past. He's running for a reason."

They were words of wisdom that rang through Logan's head as he headed to room 312.

_He's running for a reason._

* * *

Logan poked his head in before making himself known, smiling when he spied Joseph spread out over the hospital bed and looking dissatisfied with whatever he was watching. Glancing up as he walked in, Logan caught sight of a children's animated show. "Educational television this morning?" he teased.

Joseph jumped slightly but then grinned. "Hey. I was wondering what the hell happened to T.V. I don't remember a whole lot, but I do remember that Nickelodeon used to be cool."

"How long ago was that? Because it's been crap for about five years now."

"Who knows?" Joseph sighed, Logan noting the stubble and wondering if that bothered him; Joseph did seem to care about his appearance. "You're just in time, the nurse said breakfast would be here in a few minutes."

"Perfect, because I haven't eaten." When Joseph's gaze narrowed, Logan frowned. "What?"

"Is that coffee? Real coffee?"

"As opposed to fake coffee?" Logan laughed. "Yes, but it's cold now. And almost gone."

"I don't care." Joseph held out a long arm, fingers wiggling. "Gimme."

And there it was, a puckered scar running along Joseph's wrist from his hand to about two inches below. Logan's breath caught, his eyes searching for clues while doctor mode kicked in to assess how healed the scar was. It was obviously not recent.

"Dude, come on! I'm dying here!"

"No. It's cold. If Faith says you can have some, I'll get you some but-"

"Who's Faith?" Scared Joseph was back.

"Your doctor. You'll love her, she's awesome. I feel completely reassured putting you in her care." Joseph nodded, but Logan could see he wasn't convinced. "Trust me," he said softly. "Faith will get you where you need to be."

"And where is that? Out on the street?"

"No." Pulling a chair up next to the bed, Logan set the bag of clothes on the floor and continued. "Once you're released, you'll go to a sort of halfway house. It's for people who are in limbo for various reasons. They'll help you integrate back into society."

And this too terrified Joseph. Logan fought the urge to reach up and grab his hand, as well as ignoring the voice in his head pressing him to ask Joseph to stay at his home.

_He's running for a reason._

"You're gonna be fine," Logan said instead, trying to communicate with his eyes that he meant it. "I know it's scary but you're not alone, there are people in place to help you."

"But I want-"

"Okay, Mr. David, we got pancakes and eggs for you this morning." An orderly smiled at him as she entered the room with a tray, Logan scooting the chair back and standing to let her do her job. He leaned in to help her get the little table rolled into place over Joseph's lap, then she set down the tray.

"That actually looks pretty good," Logan commented.

"Can we get an extra for Dr. Mitchell, too?"

Logan shook his head. "It's fine, I really don't-"

"Dr. Mitchell?" The orderly spun around, taking in the scrubs under Logan's white coat and jacket. "Are you the E.R. doc I've been hearing about?"

"Uh...depends on what you've been hearing," Logan smirked.

"Plenty, but it's all good. My son came in about a week ago with food poisoning, he says you were incredible. He felt like you actually cared about him. I told him it's your job to make them all feel like that, and he said you did it well. Thank you for taking good care of my son, doctor."

Logan smiled, about to state that it was indeed his job and wondering which of the food poisoning cases had been her son, but then he caught Joseph watching him with what was almost disappointment and it hit him. Joseph once again felt like just another patient.

"We can definitely spare a plate for you." The orderly walked out to grab a second tray and Logan took it, awkward now.

"Thank you."

"No, thank _you_. Have a great day, gentlemen."

When she was gone Joseph simply stared at his food, Logan wishing he would say something. Finally Logan reached for the remote control and shut off the television, then settled himself in the chair again while balancing the tray on his lap. After tossing his coffee cup in a trash can, he asked, "How'd you get lucky enough to room by yourself?"

Joseph shrugged as if the discussion was boring him. "You tell me, you're the doctor."

"It's rare," Logan replied, wondering where to go from there. Faith hadn't come in yet to discuss Joseph's test results, and it wasn't Logan's place to reveal them. "I uh...brought you some things."

"Right. The notebook." Joseph had made no move to touch his food.

"A few other things, too. Did you happen to remember anything else last night? Discover things about yourself?"

Shrugging once again, Joseph slid his eyes toward Logan. "I had a dream I was giving head. I really liked it."

Joseph's bedsheet was suddenly sprayed orange as Logan spit his juice everywhere and started coughing. Rather than ask if Logan was okay, Joseph simply smirked. Logan reached for a napkin and wiped his mouth, glaring up at Joseph.

"Not just another patient anymore, am I, doc?"

"Will you just be quiet and eat your pancakes?"

"You asked if I'd discovered anything. I was just answering your question." But Joseph was still smirking as he picked up the plastic fork and used the side of it to cut into the stack of pancakes.

"Here, have some butter and syrup." Logan tossed packets of each onto Joseph's tray. "Definitely not shy at all."

"I thought we decided that last night."

Logan watched Joseph spread butter over his pancakes. "Was it a memory or just a dream?"

"A dream."

"How do you know it wasn't a memory?"

"I just do."

"But how? If you don't remember-"

"Logan, trust me." Joseph sounded annoyed. "It wasn't something that's happened before."

"You blowing someone or that particular dream?"

"The dream. I've blown guys before, no question of that."

"But how do you know?"

"I don't know how I know, okay? I just...do. If I was asked to do it right now, I'd know exactly what to do and how it would feel. Can we stop talking about it?"

"Fine. I didn't mean to pry, Joseph, I'm just trying to help. Any little thing is important and we need to explore it."

"You mean me and my doctor. Because once you leave this room, we're done, right? I'm someone else's headache?"

Wanting to bang his head into the wall, Logan groaned in frustration. "You're not a headache, okay?"

"But I'm your patient. You're here until someone else takes over, and then you can have a clean conscience and move on to the next victim. It's cool, I get it."

Joseph didn't sound like he "got it," though. He sounded as if the notion pissed him off, or maybe hurt him. "Do you really think I go around visiting all my patients once they're admitted?" Logan asked.

"You don't?"

"Not usually, no. There have been a couple, I won't lie. They were all kids."

"I'm not a kid."

"No, you're not." Logan let that settle before adding, "Do you think I stop at the store and buy them clothes before coming to see them?"

Joseph blinked, setting down his fork. "You brought me clothes?"

"Yes, I did. I realized all you have is the outfit you were wearing when you walked in, so I thought you might need a few things. They might not fit properly, but I think I guessed the sizes right. I don't do that for just anyone, Joseph."

Finally Joseph's gaze swung over to Logan, and he bit his lip. "So why me?"

All Logan could do was shrug. "I don't know. I care. Don't ask me why, though, because I can't explain it. I just know that you're alone and scared and need a friend. If you'll allow me to, I can be that for you. And it's actually better that I'm not your doctor, because if I was I couldn't be your friend."

"I could really use a friend right now," Joseph replied softly, as if embarrassed to admit it.

Nodding, Logan simply said, "Then you have one."

They stared at each other, the sounds of a working hospital surrounding them as Joseph appeared to fight against whatever he was feeling, and then he grinned. "How about some more butter, can I get some of that, too?"

"Sorry, I used my other packet. You've got one hidden under that napkin. Sure you don't need your eyes checked while you're here?"

"Shut up, asshole." Joseph dug it out, as well as more syrup, and doctored his pancakes more.

"So really, was there anything else you figured out? Besides that you enjoy oral sex?"

"Uh...I need a shower?"

"Okay, I'd already figured that out. Personal hygiene is important to you."

"How'd you know that?"

"Just little things you say. You care how you look."

"Doesn't everyone?"

"You'd be surprised. I'm almost done with my breakfast, I'll run down to the gift shop and pick you up a few things."

"Like what?"

"Shower stuff. Razor, comb, toothbrush, that sort of thing."

"The hospital doesn't provide that?"

"Not a razor," Logan responded. "Especially since we don't know your mental state. Can't have you trying to off yourself, can we?" He said it lightly but watched Joseph carefully.

"Wow, that's about zero faith you have in me." Joseph shoveled more food into his mouth, lifting the little container of orange juice to his mouth after and this time it was his right wrist that was visible to Logan, who noted a matching scar on that arm.

Logan placed his tray on the floor next to him, wiping his mouth one more time before venturing, "It wouldn't be the first time, Joseph."

"For what?" The last bite of eggs was shoveled in, and Logan at least knew Joseph didn't have an eating disorder of any kind; the man loved food.

"Joseph." When he had Joseph's attention, Logan said, "You've attempted suicide before. You have scars."

"I...what?" Immediately he turned his wrists over, eyes knowing exactly where to look. That may or may not have been significant, but what Logan cared about at the moment was the way Joseph's eyes widened into disbelief and then fear. "Holy shit," he whispered.

"Don't freak out."

He was starting to hyperventilate. "What the fuck? What the hell happened to me that I tried that? Why would I...Logan, why can't I remember? Why can't I remember anything?"

He was filled with so much anguish that Logan stood up and stepped toward the bed, pushing the table out of the way and wrapping his arms around Joseph's shoulders. "We'll figure it out, it's okay, calm down-"

"Don't fucking tell me to calm down! I can't remember my parents, my friends, even where I live! I have nothing and no one and you have the nerve to tell me to calm down?"

"Shh. Relax or someone will come running. I'm not much, but I'm here, I'm not going to abandon you."

Arms tightened around Logan's waist like a vice as Joseph fought to gain control, Logan rocking him slightly in place. "This is such bullshit. How can I not remember my own life?"

"There's a reason. We're gonna find it, okay? In the meantime you just need to try and stay calm, we'll take this one day at a time. Today all you have to worry about is letting Dr. Peterson examine you and figure out the next step."

"Will I be here another night?" The words were muffled against Logan's chest.

"Probably. Is that okay?"

"Yeah. At least here I'm safe. And you're here."

Sensing someone behind him, Logan relaxed his grip on Joseph, stepping back and waiting for Joseph's arms to drop. When he turned he was not surprised to find Faith raising an eyebrow at him.

"Dr. Peterson. Joseph is extremely scared." He reached down to the small table near the bed for a tissue, passing it to Joseph.

"Thanks," was whispered, and Logan knew that once again Joseph was terrified, this time of someone new to trust. He imagined Joseph was also embarrassed by his outburst and reached back to lay a hand on Joseph's shoulder.

"Nothing to be afraid of, Joseph, we'll take care of you. Hi, I'm Dr. Peterson."

"Hello."

Dropping his hand, Logan said, "I'm going to hit the gift shop now but I'll be back before I start my shift, Joseph."

"Okay." His eyes begged Logan not to leave him alone with this stranger, but once again Joseph was forcing himself to be brave and kept his mouth shut.

"Faith, can I have a word with you first?"

"Sure." Offering Joseph a sweet smile, Faith said, "I'll be right back."

"Why do you have to talk out there? What can't you say in front of me, Dr. Mitchell?"

"Joseph, it's nothing. Just doctor talk, relax."

"It makes me feel like you know something about me you're not telling me."

"I only know what you tell me, and what I observe. If we're gonna be friends, you have to learn to trust me. I promise, it's your well-being that's my concern." When Joseph still looked suspicious, Logan sighed. "You said before I'm the only one you can trust, and I swear that to you. You can."

"Okay." It was a tiny voice that seemed much too small for such a big guy, though the hospital gown and stubble somehow lent a vulnerable air to him.

"I'll be back in a few minutes. You're fine. Okay?" He got a small smile out of Joseph. Satisfied, Logan stepped out into the hallway, Faith at his heels.

"I know what you're gonna say," Logan started. "He had a moment, broke down. It's a scary thing he's dealing with."

"I know, Logan, I wasn't going to say anything."

"Okay. I want to suggest some more tests."

"What kind?"

"STD's."

"Sexually transmitted? Is there something we need to discuss about your 'friendship' with the patient, Dr. Mitchell?"

"No, Faith, come on. And will you keep your voice down?" Logan glanced around, but they weren't anyone's concern. "Based on things he's said, I think he probably has an active sex life. I know for sure he's gay, or at the very least bi."

"So that means he doesn't know how to protect himself? Are we stereotyping now?"

"Of course not. Are you aware that these words are coming from a gay man?" he hissed.

Faith grinned brightly. "I was hoping to push that out of you. At least now that question is answered."

Rolling his eyes, Logan crossed his arms over his chest and replied, "It's not that I keep it a secret, I just don't bring it up. It could bother some patients, you know how that goes."

"I understand. And I don't judge. Now why are we testing for this?"

"Like I said, things he says lead me to believe he's active. Better safe than sorry."

"If you're planning to fuck him, certainly."

"Faith! Knock it off!"

Laughing, she patted Logan's shoulder. "I'm teasing. We absolutely should test for that. Thanks for the heads-up."

"I gotta run, I have to be downstairs in fifteen. Be gentle with him, okay? He's feeling really alone and terrified."

"I'll take care of him. Go."

Logan smiled at her, then rushed toward the elevator. He was probably going to be late starting his shift, but as he squeezed himself between two women who smiled and nodded at him, Logan decided Joseph was worth it. It was nice to be needed by someone gorgeous and exciting for a change.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the characters from Big Time Rush and make no money off this at all, I do it because it's fun.

**Author's Notes:**

This story is very slow-moving, at least in the beginning, and I hope it's not too boring for that. I have to establish a bunch of stuff, though, so...yeah. Thanks for reading anyway!

Another Jagan, yay! Or at least I'm excited, because we know I love Jagan. About a year ago I wrote a story for **kathrynew30**, it was a gift for our one-year friendiversary. The James Diamond in this story is taken directly from that one, though he suffered no amnesia in it. So for that reason, I dedicate this to Kathryn.

I also must dedicate it to **joyousbrokenthing**, who is entirely to blame for this being written at all. She tweeted me one night about a vision of Logan as a scientist building a robot James. This story is of course not that at all, but it got me thinking about a situation where Logan basically helps put James back together and within fifteen minutes I had this story pretty much written in my head. I wasn't planning to write a Jagan next, but it wouldn't leave me alone so here we are. Thanks a lot, Tammy. XD

**Aranelle** is always so awesome about reading this stuff and giving me feedback, so thank you for that, Sarah. I love you.

* * *

There wasn't too much time to wander the gift shop, but Logan picked up some random items that he saw hoping to stimulate something of Joseph's memory, or at least his brain. He managed to resist the little teddy bear dressed in doctor gear that tempted him, thinking Joseph would either laugh or grow more attached to him when he stated he'd bought it so Joseph always had Logan near; neither reaction sounded like a good idea. Instead he returned to the room with the shower supplies, a comb, a book of crossword puzzles and word searches, and a cold bottle of Frappuccino. It was the best he could do at the moment.

When he peeked into the room it was to see Faith perching on the chair he'd vacated and no signs of their breakfast in view. Joseph glanced up and smiled, Logan sending him one in return before entering. "Hey, just dropping this stuff off." He held up the bag.

"Thanks." Joseph's grin widened, making Logan feel like a hero for something as simple as providing toiletries, but he knew that in Joseph's current state it was the little things that mattered.

"I tossed in a few extras, as well," Logan said as he set the bag down next to the other one he'd brought. "Try the puzzle books, see if you're any good at them. If nothing else it'll get your brain working some."

"Yeah, my brain's definitely taking a holiday."

"I'll be by to check on you later, okay?"

When Joseph's eyes lit up, Logan ignored the smirk Faith tossed his way. "I'll be in touch, Logan," she said.

"Thanks." He smiled at them both. "I gotta run."

Joseph's voice stopped him as he was rushing out. "Dr. Mitchell. Thanks for all this. Have a good day."

Thinking of the tests Joseph had to look forward to, and more needles, Logan felt guilty. "You, too. Hang in there. And don't forget about the notebook. Anything at all you discover or remember goes into it."

After Joseph nodded Logan left them to it, forcefully shoving Joseph out of his mind in order to let doctor mode settle over him.

* * *

Faith appeared around one o' clock to drag Logan away for lunch. They'd done that a few times before, met up in the cafeteria to discuss a patient, and as Logan followed Faith into the elevator he was reminded of Stacy, the little girl who had come to them with a stomach ailment and ended up being diagnosed with cancer. "Have you spoken to Stacy lately?"

"I have, actually!" Faith grinned. She pressed the button for the lobby level, then stepped back to rest against the wall of the elevator. "She emailed me a few days ago, has a crush on a boy at school. Ten years old and she's already looking at boys."

"That's crazy," Logan agreed, but his heart was happier knowing she was alive and well and capable of something that ridiculous. Her recovery had been nothing short of a miracle, and to this day neither Faith nor Logan could attribute it to medicine alone.

"When did _you_ start?"

"Start what?"

"Looking at boys," she teased.

"Oh my god, shut up!" But Logan laughed. "When I was about sixteen. I was a late bloomer, usually had my attention on books rather than people."

"What finally woke you up?"

"A teacher. He was hot, and smart, and I was forced to pay attention to him because I had to. The fantasies I had about him..."

"You can keep that part to yourself. Has it always been guys for you, then?"

"Yeah. Girls are nice, but they don't do it for me."

"Joseph sure seems to," she said lightly, and Logan was spared an answer by the opening of the elevator doors. Faith moved into the hallway and turned right, Logan keeping pace with her.

"How'd it go with him?"

"Not that great, honestly."

Stomach dropping slightly, Logan slid his hands into his pockets. "Did you get the test results back already?"

"No, in order to do that, he would have to agree to the tests."

"What?" His feet stopped carrying him forward, Logan standing in place just outside the cafeteria doors. "He refused?"

"Said he won't be poked by needles again. He's got a serious phobia about it."

"I know, but he has to be tested, he-"

"Maybe you can get through to him. I even mentioned they were tests you wanted him to have, thinking that might do the trick. Nope. Come on, I'm starving."

With a sigh Logan stepped through the door she was holding open, and then they grabbed trays. "Did you tell him what they were for? The tests?"

"No. I wasn't sure how he'd take that. If you've got time, maybe you can swing by and talk him into it."

"Yeah, let's eat fast." Irritated, Logan tossed food onto his plate blindly, settling for a sandwich and an apple along with a cup of his ever-present coffee. "So what did you find out?"

"I did a quick physical, everything looks great. Some things look better than great."

"Faith, is your mind always where it doesn't belong?"

"Only around hot guys," she snickered. "And cute ones like you."

"So I'm not hot? Just cute?"

"I'm sure you have your hot moments, but you don't advertise them here."

At the register, Logan smiled and leaned forward to say softly, "He told me I was cute."

"Did he?"

Logan nodded. "I was probably blushing or something at the time, I don't remember. But he likes to say things that get a reaction out of me, I noticed that. Oh, he'll need a change of bedding. I made a mess of it earlier. And don't take that wrong, I spit my juice all over it."

Faith threw her head back and laughed. "It's already been taken care of, don't worry. I peeked in at him just before going to get you, and he'd showered and shaved and seemed in better spirits. He was enjoying a Frappuccino and doodling in a notebook."

"Doodling?" Logan paid for his lunch, then caught up with Faith at a table in the corner. He settled into a chair, then asked, "Does he have any talent?"

"I didn't get to see much of it, just that it wasn't words. You can check that out when you stop in."

"So the physical...no signs of any disease?"

"Not outwardly, no. Get him to give some blood, Logan."

"I'll work on it. You saw the scars on his wrists?"

"Yes. I also noticed needle marks."

"Well, that makes sense, he-"

"No, Logan. Not at his elbow." When Logan stopped chewing, looking like a child who'd had a favorite toy taken away, she added, "Before you freak out, they're faded. Not recent. I'd say at least a year old, probably more."

"Shit." He sipped at his coffee, wondering what he was doing getting mixed up with some stranger he knew nothing about, who couldn't even tell him anything if he wanted to because he simply didn't know the answers.

"I told you, he's got a life somewhere. One that had him most likely doing drugs at some point and pushed him to attempt suicide. It's probably just the tip of the iceberg. You need to be careful."

"I know, I just...he doesn't have anybody. He's so scared. I feel for him, you know?"

"I do, and I get that, but you have to remember that he's a mystery. The more you find out, the more you might wish you'd never gotten close to him. I'm not lecturing you on getting close to patients right now, we all got close to Stacy so I know how that goes. But like I said this morning, you can't get _too_ attached. Whatever he's running from, don't let him drag you down into it."

"I don't get bad vibes from him, Faith. Wouldn't I, if he was a horrible person?"

"I don't know. Probably not. Has there been no hint at all of anything to raise a red flag?"

_Scars, needle marks, possibly loose morals, and a tendency to punch people who piss him off. Nah, no red flags at all. Logan, you're an idiot. _ What he said was, "I'm just saying that I don't sense he means any harm."

"That's fine, he probably doesn't. He's already attached to you. I'm sure you're probably safe for now."

"For now? What does that mean?"

"Until you cross him and become the enemy. Look, all of this is hypothetical, we don't know anything at this point. I'm not trying to upset you, but I want you to remember that as things come to light, you might not like what you learn. You're smarter than this, Logan. Step back for a second and think. Also eat your sandwich, don't let it go to waste."

"Yes, mother." He took a bite, chewing again as his brain worked. "What's the next step, then? At what point do the police get involved?"

"They don't in this case, though I would suggest Joseph use them to help him recover his past. From what we can tell, there was no crime committed, no evidence of rape or anything of that sort. The police would be able to run him through their systems, though, identify him through fingerprints or something."

"So where does he go, one of those halfway houses?"

"That's up to social services, but that's usually the case. It's a voluntary thing, but he's going to need a place to live and he's not able to support himself at this point, right?"

"No."

"Don't you dare move him in with you."

"I wasn't going to, Faith, I already told you that!"

"I know, but he's hot. You're lonely."

"I am _not_ lonely. I'm actually very happy with my life."

"That's good. Don't screw it up by getting involved with some random stranger who can't even remember his own name."

"But he's hot," Logan tossed back at her, making Faith laugh, too. "No, seriously, though. He needs a friend. I'm going to be that."

"Okay. It's your life. If you're done eating, go get him to give blood. And remind him that some of the tests can be done with urine instead."

"Anything else I need to know?"

"Yeah. Tell him to open up to me. It was like pulling teeth getting him to talk."

"Really?" Logan frowned. "I didn't have any problems."

"Yeah, but you're cute," Faith winked. "And he trusts you. Apparently he doesn't trust anyone else."

"Tommy. He likes Tommy."

"Who doesn't?" Faith picked up her tray and rose from the table. "Go. If you have any luck, buzz me and I'll put the orders through."

"Thanks, Faith. You're the best. Now if I can just figure out how to talk him into getting those tests..."

"Yeah, good luck with that. See ya later, Logan."

"Bye. Thanks!"

It was when Logan was dumping his trash that the answer came to him, the nearly-empty cup of coffee dropping into the container setting off a light bulb in his head. _So you want coffee, do you Joseph?_

With an almost evil grin, Logan got back in line.

* * *

Clean-shaven and hair shining when he tilted his head, Joseph was even more beautiful than he had been when Logan had first laid eyes on him. His tongue was peeking out between pink lips as a pen moved over a page of the notebook, so focused on whatever it was he was writing that he didn't hear Logan approach. Logan stopped a few steps into the room, simply watching Joseph for a minute, noting his bright eyes flitting about the paper, and he figured that Joseph was drawing rather than writing.

"Hey, stranger."

Joseph's head shot up. "Logan! Hey! Come look at this!"

Even without the invitation Logan would've been moving closer anyway; the huge smile tugged him forward like a magnet. "What are you working on?"

"Well, I think it would look better with a pencil, but they won't let me have one. Like I can't do damage with a pen?"

"Pencils are sharp." Glancing down at the notebook, Logan's mouth dropped. "Wow. Did you draw this from memory? Wait, don't answer that. I keep asking before I think."

"No, this isn't from memory, it's something I saw on T.V. earlier. But look, I've got talent!"

"You do." It was a beach scene, complete with waves crashing and a sailboat in the distance. A pier jutted out over the ocean, Logan noting a building at the end of it, most likely a restaurant. "You just drew that now?"

"Yeah, I was watching T.V. and it was totally boring so I was flipping channels and it was so pretty I stopped and then my hands just started like...I don't know, itching to draw it so I picked up the notebook and went for it and _bam_! Just like that. Cool, huh?"

He was so proud of himself that Logan couldn't help smiling. "It's really good. Add that to your list of things we know about you. Have you been using the notebook at all?"

"Yeah, check it out." Joseph flipped back to a page where he'd started a list in a slightly messy but still legible hand.

"I see number one is that you love blow jobs."

"That seemed like the most important thing to me," Joseph winked, then his face shifted, nostrils flaring slightly. "Is that coffee?"

"Maybe."

"Dude, come on. Now you're just teasing me."

"How'd it go with Dr. Peterson?"

"Fine, but she asked a lot of questions I can't answer."

"That's her job, Joseph. She's trying to help."

"Oh, that reminds me. I'm pissed at you."

Logan blinked. "You're pissed at _me_? The guy who's going out of his way to help you?"

"Yes. You didn't tell me I'd have to give more blood. I thought we were done with that."

"Ah. About that."

Joseph waited with a quirked eyebrow, leaning back against the pillows with arms crossed over his chest.

"Based on things you said, I decided we needed a few more tests."

"Like what? All she said was that you suggested them."

"And that's not enough? You don't trust me?"

"I don't trust anyone who sends me near a needle."

That was fair enough. "Okay, look. We need to be honest with each other about everything if we're going to get anywhere, so I'll tell you the truth. Will you do the same with me?"

"I haven't lied to you once. I don't plan to."

Logan nodded. "I want you to get tested for sexually transmitted diseases."

"Oh."

There was nothing else, though Logan could see Joseph was surprised. "You seem extremely free when it comes to sex. Not shy at all."

"Maybe that's just with you. Because I trust you."

"Still, most people aren't quite so forthcoming with their likes and dislikes, or even telling me about their dreams of sexual...things."

"I just did that to test you."

"Test me? So you didn't dream about giving head?"

"No, I totally did. It was awesome. But I told you about it to see how you'd react."

Hating that he'd been played so easily, Logan shook his head. "And how did I react?"

"The way I hoped you would," Joseph grinned. "You let me know the idea doesn't disgust you. At least now I know we have something in common."

"I'm going to guess all guys like blow jobs, Joseph."

"Not from other guys. _Logan_."

He licked his lips, uncomfortable and flushed and needing to get away from that direct gaze. The way Joseph had said his name didn't help either, all sexy and flirty. "So do you want this coffee or not? I brought you plenty of cream and sugar since you seem to love sweet things."

Another flirtatious reply was at the tip of Joseph's tongue, Logan could see it on his face, but the need for coffee won out. "Please. I don't care if it's half gone."

"Oh, it's not. I brought this for you."

"You did? That is so sweet!"

When Joseph smiled at him like that, Logan's heart expanded. Faith's warnings were still clear in his mind, but those pink lips stretched wide for him and the greenish-brown eyes that were twinkling upon taking Logan in were impossible to fight. "I have a condition, though."

"A...what?" Joseph asked suspiciously, gaze narrowing.

"You get the coffee if you agree to the tests."

"Are you serious? You're bribing me with coffee?"

"I'm bribing you with whatever works. You're not leaving this hospital without a clean bill of health. Wouldn't you rest easier knowing you can have sex freely without worrying you might be spreading something?"

"You act like I'm gonna rush out and fuck the next guy I see."

"I don't know what you're gonna do, Joseph, that's the problem. This way you can do what you want and I'll feel better knowing you're clean."

Joseph smirked, one corner of his mouth turning up. "You sure it's not for your own peace of mind? In case you and I hook up?"

"I'm speaking as a doctor here. And as your friend. Do this for me, okay? Do it for this coffee." Logan waved the cup under Joseph's nose, satisfied when Joseph let out a needy sound. "I promise, it'll be done before you know it. They'll come here and take some blood like last night, you don't even have to leave the bed."

"Can they do it now?"

"Yes, I'll have Faith put the orders through and as soon as-"

"No, right now. While you're here with me."

"Joseph..." Logan sighed, figuring they'd best get this out of the way now. "I can't be here for you every second."

"I know, I just...when I'm scared."

"You did it last night, right? You can do it again."

"I know. It's just easier with you here. I have something to distract me. I see the needle and I freak, it's stupid but I can't help it."

"You can do this. I promise. Here, take the coffee. It's yours." When Joseph grabbed at it, Logan lifted the packets of creamer and sugar and set them on top of the notebook Joseph had laid aside. "Whether you do the tests or not, the coffee's yours. But I hope you do this. It would mean a lot to me."

He knew it had worked by the resignation in Joseph's eyes. Apparently Joseph would do it for Logan, if nothing else. And maybe for the coffee, too. "I'll try."

"Thank you, that's all I ask. You'll probably get a visit today from someone from social services, did Dr. Peterson talk to you about that at all?"

"A little. She said what you did, that there's a place I can go. I don't like that idea, but it's better than being on the street."

"Exactly. And I'll make sure you can get in touch with me, okay? I'm not going to forget about you the second you walk out the door."

"Promise?"

Logan smiled. "Promise. My shift is over at six. I'm counting on you to keep me company at dinner."

"Dinner? Really?"

There was that smile again, that "how did I get so lucky to have you in my life?" expression. It quelled the lingering doubts Logan had that he was doing the right thing. "What are you craving?"

"I don't know. Um...there was a commercial for some fast-food place on earlier. The burger looked pretty damn good."

"I can make that happen." Grinning, Logan glanced down at his watch. "I gotta run, but I'll see you tonight, okay? Keep working on that list, and if you get the urge to draw something, do it."

"I will. The puzzle book sucks, by the way. I got bored in five seconds."

"Did you know the answers?"

"No, but they bored me."

Chuckling, Logan said, "That's okay, I get bored with them, too."

"But you probably know the answers."

"I do, actually. Drink your coffee, you don't have to fast for these tests. Make me proud, Joseph."

"I will." Still nervous, but Logan knew he would do it this time.

When Logan left Joseph was happily pouring sugar into the cup. He rushed to Faith's office, poked his head in long enough to tell her the tests were a go, and started to run off again.

"Logan, wait! How did you do it?"

He did a u-turn, trotting back to the door. "I bribed him with coffee, he's been dying for some. Though I think he would've done it for me anyway if I'd asked."

"Because you're cute."

Logan shrugged. "He likes me."

"Just be-"

"I know, Faith, I know. Be careful. Got it. He'll be waiting for a tech."

"Okay. See you later, buddy!"

"Bye!"

Logan returned to the E.R. just in time, once again placing his mind where it needed to be. His heart, however, was being drawn to the third floor as he worked, and he kept checking his watch. Spending time with Joseph was something to look forward to.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the characters from Big Time Rush and make no money off this at all, I do it because it's fun.

**Author's Notes:**

This story is very slow-moving, at least in the beginning, and I hope it's not too boring for that. I have to establish a bunch of stuff, though, so...yeah. Thanks for reading anyway!

Another Jagan, yay! Or at least I'm excited, because we know I love Jagan. About a year ago I wrote a story for **kathrynew30**, it was a gift for our one-year friendiversary. The James Diamond in this story is taken directly from that one, though he suffered no amnesia in it. So for that reason, I dedicate this to Kathryn.

I also must dedicate it to **joyousbrokenthing**, who is entirely to blame for this being written at all. She tweeted me one night about a vision of Logan as a scientist building a robot James. This story is of course not that at all, but it got me thinking about a situation where Logan basically helps put James back together and within fifteen minutes I had this story pretty much written in my head. I wasn't planning to write a Jagan next, but it wouldn't leave me alone so here we are. Thanks a lot, Tammy. XD

**Aranelle** is always so awesome about reading this stuff and giving me feedback, so thank you for that, Sarah. I love you.

* * *

It was never easy getting out of the emergency room at the end of a shift, but today it seemed even more difficult than usual, probably because for once Logan had someone waiting for him. By the time he stopped in the staff lounge to pick up his jacket, he could see the sun was starting to dip down toward the hills.

He snuck a peek at his watch. 6:25. Visiting hours were over at eight and he still had an errand to run before going to find Joseph. Logan grabbed his jacket and shoved his arms into it as he walked, almost knocking Tommy over when he passed through the door. "Dude, I'm sorry!"

"It's cool, you out of here?"

"Yeah, long day. I wanted to thank you for letting Joseph use your phone last night."

Tommy grinned. "I was gonna just call but I ended up talking to him for a few minutes and then had to run. Figured you'd rather hear from him that he was okay anyway."

"It was definitely a surprise," Logan smiled.

"You seen him today? How's he doing?"

"He's good, had breakfast with him. Still doesn't remember anything."

"That's gotta suck. You got time to talk? I have ten more minutes on break."

"Sorry, I'm on my way to get dinner."

"Whoa, you got a date for once?"

"It's not a date," Logan corrected, once again moving toward the hallway. "It's just a friend."

"You have those?" Tommy teased, and Logan laughed.

"Yes, now get back to work. I'll see you next time we work together."

He rushed to his car, glad his favorite burger place was only a few blocks away. Logan had no idea whether or not Joseph was normally a healthy eater, but he had been craving a hamburger so at least they knew he wasn't averse to meat. It was possible, Logan supposed, that he had been a vegetarian before this and would puke after taking a few bites, but again-all pieces of the puzzle.

By the time he was stepping through the door to room 312 it was nearing seven. Joseph was relaxed in the bed again, but this time wearing an outfit Logan had purchased. A soft gray t-shirt hugged his chest but not obscenely so, and he'd rolled up the jeans a few times. He was wearing socks as well, as if they gave him some kind of security.

"Doc! I thought you'd forgotten about me!"

"Nah, I had a hard time getting out of the E.R. Then I had to get dinner and wow, you look good." He hadn't intended to say that, in fact had no idea where the words had come from. They seemed to please Joseph, though.

"Yeah?" His little smirk was going to be the death of Logan. "The clothes make the man."

"So they fit okay?"

"The jeans are a tiny bit too long, but no big deal. Thanks again."

"I remembered your height but when I saw the jeans for that size, they didn't seem long enough. It's weird, I don't think I've ever seen you on your feet but you just feel so...tall. Those legs go for miles."

Flattered, Joseph smiled wider. He shifted his legs to the side, dropping to the floor and standing to tower over Logan, who had to tilt his head slightly to meet Joseph's eyes. When Joseph closed the distance between them, Logan forced himself to step back. "Yeah. Tall."

"You're just short. But it's all good, you've got a lot of other things going for you. Have I told you yet how much I love your smile? I've thought it a million times but don't know if I ever actually said it."

_Jesus, stop. Stop, Joseph._ "No, I'd remember you saying that. Sit back down, let's eat before it gets cold."

"They're letting me go tomorrow. Dr. Peterson told me."

The sudden subject change surprised Logan, as did Joseph's serious demeanor. "Oh. That's good, right?"

"Not really, I'm terrified. You were right, a social worker came to see me. She told me about the house they're sending me to, if I want to go. But she said if I expect them to pay for my medical care and the visits to a shrink, I have to pretty much go where they want me to go."

Logan nodded, watching Joseph sink onto the bed again. He looked so beaten down, his excitement over seeing Logan faded now. Eyes roaming over arms that were a gorgeous golden tan, Logan tilted his head to the side. "I bet you're used to being outdoors."

"Maybe? I have to admit, I was looking out the window earlier and felt the need to run."

"Run how? Like...from here?"

"No, I don't think so, more like jogging. I just felt like if I could run for a while it would clear my head some."

"You probably _were_ jogging when this hit. There's a little patio area for patients just down the hall. Feel like getting out for a little bit?"

"Am I allowed to?"

Logan shrugged. "Other patients do it when visitors come sometimes. You're not a flight risk, are you?"

"With you here? Hell no."

"Come on, then," Logan grinned. He waited while Joseph stepped into the shoes he'd arrived in, noting they looked new. "Bring your notebook. I want you to take that with you everywhere from now on."

"Even in the john?" Joseph joked, but Logan quirked an eyebrow.

"Some of the best inventions were thought up on the toilet, you know. If you're gonna be in there for more than a quick wizz, take it with you."

"Whatever you say, doc." Joseph leaned back to pick up the notebook and a pen, following Logan a short way down the hall.

It was still light enough that the patio lamps hadn't been turned on. Logan waved at a couple sitting at a nearby table, then dropped into a chair at the edge of the patio, setting the food bags on the table. "You cold or anything? Need my jacket?"

"Cold? This is nothing."

"Really? It's a bit chilly for California. Write that down. You might be from a colder climate."

Joseph did so dutifully while Logan unpacked their dinners. "Hang on, I was going to grab us drinks from the vending machine. Can I trust you with my food?"

"Maybe. It smells pretty good."

"Don't even think about it," he warned, a finger pointing at Joseph. "I'll be right back. And don't go anywhere."

"I told you-you're here. I'm not going anywhere."

Once more Logan reminded himself not to let Joseph become too attached, but he knew it was a futile argument. He was perpetuating that by repeatedly sharing meals with Joseph._ It's not a __date. I'm just being a good friend to someone in need._

When Logan returned, half of Joseph's burger had been devoured. "Oh my god, Logan, this is so fucking good. Can I eat this every day?"

"Of course not, it's bad for you. I shouldn't even be eating it two days in a row but you wanted it, so..."

"So I get what I want? Is that what you're saying?"

"Not necessarily. I know one thing you want you're not going to get. But you _can_have this Pepsi." Logan plunked the can down in front of Joseph, who frowned while Logan settled into his chair again.

"Why _can't_I have you? You're perfect."

"Far from it, buddy." He cracked open his own can, taking a swig and then unwrapping his burger. "Did you try the fries? They're almost better than the burger."

"Yeah, they're great," Joseph replied without enthusiasm.

"Are you gonna pout now? I'm sorry, Joseph, friendship is as far as it goes between us."

"But I'm craving sex," Joseph said in a low voice, eyes cutting over to the older couple before meeting Logan's gaze. "I think you're right, I must've been getting it a lot."

"Which is why I ordered the tests for you. Did you do that for me?"

"Yes."

"Thank you. I see you survived."

"It sucked, Logan. Promise me no more needles. I can't handle that."

Logan swallowed a few bites of his food and then took the plunge. "Joseph, you have marks on your arm. They don't look recent, but it appears you're no stranger to injections. We know you're not diabetic, so I have to assume you have a history of drug use." When all Joseph did was bite his lip, Logan guessed, "You knew that."

"No, I don't know anything, but I checked myself out in the shower. I saw the scars and went searching for other stuff. I wasn't sure, but figured that's what the little marks were. I don't remember anything, though."

"You had a full tox screen the first night. There wasn't even alcohol in your system. If you did do any sort of narcotics, it wasn't recent."

"That's good, right?"

"It's great. Makes me trust you more."

"Which is _really_good."

"Eat your burger."

Joseph did, relishing it and the fries and using the Pepsi to wash it all down. Logan liked that he also used the napkins often, as if he was accustomed to cleanliness. It fit what they already knew of him. "Let me see the notebook."

Joseph passed it over and Logan flipped to the page he'd glanced at earlier. Number one was, of course, the oral sex notation. Reading on, Logan said, "You hate corn."

"It was disgusting. Like, I almost puked."

"Okay. Did you discover any other distinguishing marks on your body?"

"Nope. Just that it's amazing."

Rolling his eyes, Logan reached for the pen. "Give me that."

"What are you writing?"

Speaking aloud as he wrote a note at the bottom, Logan replied, "Overly concerned with appearance. Obsessed with own body. Possibly narcissistic."

"What does that mean?"

"Exactly what I said, that you're overly concerned with your appearance. Think you look better than everyone else."

"You gonna tell me I'm wrong about that, doc?"

Refusing to address the question, Logan skimmed the notes again. "You didn't write down the needle marks."

Joseph sat back in his chair, avoiding Logan's gaze.

"I thought we agreed on honesty. Were you not going to mention that to me?"

"I don't want you to hate me. Who knows what kind of shit I did before I came here? If it turns out I'm too much to deal with, you might-"

"Friends don't abandon someone because they're too much to deal with. Are we friends or not?"

"Yes, until you decide I'm too-"

Logan leaned forward, resting an elbow on the table. "Joseph. Are we friends or not?"

"Yes."

"Then we're honest. No holding back."

"Fine, but then you have to admit things to me, too."

"Like what?"

"Like that you think I'm hot and wouldn't mind kissing me."

All the air left Logan's lungs. "Shit, Joseph." Logan waited a beat, gaining control of his thoughts, and then conceded, "Yes, okay? That's true, but it's not gonna happen. We're friends and nothing more."

"But you want to, right? You think I'm hot?"

"I do. I'll be honest about that. You don't need to get involved with anyone right now, though. We need to focus on getting your memory back."

"Okay. I can live with it as long as I know it's not just me. You're suffering, too."

"Moving on," Logan said pointedly and returned his attention to the notebook. "You like to draw, you like to be clean, you like cartoons, you hate it when your hair's a mess, you love showers, you-wait. Did you...?"

"What?"

"Never mind." Cheeks flaming, Logan read on. "You don't like-"

"You think I jacked off in the shower."

"I didn't say-"

"Logan, really? When a nurse could walk in anytime?"

"There's a door."

"It doesn't lock. I checked."

"So you thought about it."

"No, but thanks for the idea. Might help relieve the uh...stress."

"You just said anyone could walk in."

"Want to stand guard for me?" Joseph joked, eyes dancing.

"Enough. I have to be out of here by eight, don't waste our time talking about ridiculous things. Tell me more about what the social worker said."

"Oh." Mentally shifting gears, Joseph began with, "Well, I'm going to this place that's like you said, they help me get back into society. I guess it's all male and it's full of guys who are either mentally ill or released from jail. Tell me why I shouldn't be scared."

"Because you'll all be monitored. If you have any problems you just have to tell someone in charge."

"There's a curfew, I have to be in by nine every night but I can have visitors and I can go places if I get approval. You know, if you ever get bored and need some stimulating conversation."

It was Joseph's way of begging Logan not to abandon him, and Logan put his fears to rest immediately. "I'll try to come see you every day, okay? I can't promise a time or that it'll be for very long, but I'll make sure to come by. What did she say about a psychiatrist?"

"They're gonna let me know once I'm settled, but she said probably within a few days. And I get free bus fare, so I just need to figure out which buses to take when I know where it is."

"If I'm free I'll drive you."

"Really? You'd do that?"

"I would."

"Will you go in with me, too? To talk to the shrink?"

"I don't think that's allowed, Joseph."

"But you can tell the shrink things that you noticed, too. And you're a doctor so you know what to look for."

Logan sighed and gathered up their trash. "You done with the drink?"

"Yeah, are you leaving already?"

He was trying so hard to be brave again and it melted Logan completely. "No, we've still got about twenty minutes. Let's get you settled for the night."

"Okay." Joseph picked up the notebook and pen after rising.

Logan slid his hands into his pockets as they walked, Joseph keeping pace with him. "What time are they releasing you?"

"Dr. Peterson didn't say. Just tomorrow. I think they're waiting for results on the sex tests."

"Right." _Sex tests_. Logan had to keep from chuckling.

"So what do you do at night?"

"Me? Not much. Sometimes I read before bed, sometimes T.V. Last night I researched your condition."

"You should sneak into my room after visiting hours. We could watch T.V. together."

"Joseph..." Logan sighed yet again, waiting for him to walk through the door before joining him in the room. "You know I can't do that."

"Worth a try." Kicking off his shoes, Joseph dropped the book onto the table and gestured toward the bathroom. "Stand guard?"

"You're not going to-"

"No," Joseph laughed. "Just gonna pee, relax. But we've got the time, I could probably manage-"

"Go pee!"

Joseph scrunched his nose and continued to grin. "You're so cute!"

After Joseph had closed himself in the bathroom, Logan let his shoulders drop. He sank into the chair that he'd come to think of as "his" and reached out for the remote control. Flipping the television on, he searched for cartoons but found none. "Why don't we get something like Cartoon Network in here? We've got kids." He settled on Nickelodeon again, then had a better idea and flipped until he came across a newscast.

"Hey," he started when Joseph appeared. "Have you watched any news since you've been here?"

"No, news is boring. One thing that Billy kid and I agree on."

"But someone might be looking for you. In fact, someone probably is. I bet you have a boyfriend or family, and I'm sure they're missing you right now."

"I guess maybe."

Logan watched Joseph slide under the covers and snuggle down into his pillow, the urge to slip right in and hold him almost unbearable. He ignored it, though, and asked, "Why don't you want to find them if that's the case?"

"It's not that, it's just...it would be weird, you know? These people I don't even remember. And they'd tell me all about myself and my life and what if I don't even remember my own mother? How would that make her feel?"

"Maybe seeing her would trigger something. I'm almost positive you've got a boyfriend or at least play the field."

"Because of the sex thing? You think I get a lot?"

"I don't know, it seems like it, though. We could have that checked, but if it's something you do that often there won't be any signs of trauma."

"You mean...be on the receiving end."

"Right. I can tell you there was no trace of semen in your uh...you know. Why is it I can talk medical stuff with anyone like it's no big deal but with you I'm embarrassed?"

"Because I get you hot. It's cool, I like that about you," Joseph smiled.

Once again moving away from topics that were dangerous, Logan said, "Okay, if you're awake in a few hours watch the news for me. Make sure you're not a top story or anything. I'll see what I can find out when I get home, check out missing persons cases. Did the social worker mention you going to the police?"

"Yeah, she said they're sending someone in the morning to fingerprint me and stuff. And my case is being assigned to a cop, but she didn't tell me what that means. Just that they'll see if they can identify me."

"You got any tattoos?"

"Nope. I checked."

"Okay. It's about that time, so I'm gonna head home."

"Aww, do you have to?" Joseph pouted.

"I do." Logan stood and leaned over the bed, though, planting a kiss on Joseph's cheek. "There. Friendship kiss. Better?"

"Yeah, I'll take it," Joseph beamed. "What time are you here tomorrow? I don't want to leave without saying goodbye. I don't even know how I'm getting to the house."

"I'll make sure I'm here before you're released. I'm actually off tomorrow, so I can help you get settled in."

"Yeah?"

It was the hero look again and Logan could really get used to that. "Promise. Now watch the news and sleep, okay? I'll see you tomorrow. Don't forget to write anything down. That includes dreams, by the way. Dreams are where your subconscious will try to talk to you."

"Got it. What if I dream about giving head again? Should I write that down?" Joseph teased.

"Actually, yes. The surroundings and the person getting it might be from your past."

"Last night he wasn't. He was from my present."

And just like that, Logan knew exactly who Joseph had dreamed about. He chose not to address it, though his cheeks colored. "Sleep well, Joseph."

"Night, doc. Thanks for dinner. And breakfast. And the clothes. And just for caring in general."

"Not a problem," Logan smiled, one hand on the door frame as he turned back. Joseph still looked amazing, bangs falling softly over one eye that was almost green as it stared back at him.

"Sure you don't want to sneak back in, doc?" Joseph asked quietly. "I promise I won't try anything, we can just sit here and watch T.V.

"Friends," Logan reminded him. "Which means I'm not 'doc' anymore. I'm Logan."

"Okay." Joseph shot him a bright smile. "Goodnight, Logan."

"Goodnight, Joseph."

* * *

There was a smile on Logan's face as he drove home, mind filled with that smirk as well as the playful grin Joseph favored him with sometimes. He knew he was getting attached, knew it was a bad idea, but it had been so long since anyone had considered him a real friend that it felt good.

That was his own fault, partly, because Logan had turned down numerous invites and offers for lunch since starting work at the hospital. He'd barely even had time to date while doing his residency and had managed one every few months, but once he devoted himself to his career completely there had been nothing else, and until now it had never been a problem.

Joseph, though...he made Logan remember what it was like to be around people who desired him, people who needed him for more than his skills as a doctor.

_Don't kid yourself. He needs you because he has no one else. Even if he does find you cute, there's nothing more to it than that, and really that's for the best. You don't know what you're getting yourself into with this guy._

_He's running for a reason._

The smile had died by the time he unlocked the front door of his apartment, that sentence knocking around in his mind. After changing into comfortable clothing, Logan took his laptop out onto the balcony and stared at the city below while waiting for it to boot up.

He remembered how surprised he'd been his first night in this apartment, how he'd always assumed Los Angeles was a mass of concrete and steel and not much else. From his balcony, though, he could look down on more green than anyone would imagine. The Hollywood Hills were a real thing, mansions jutting out from them above the bustle of the city below. Of course at the moment it was a mass of lights and the hills were dark, but Logan knew what they looked like with the sunlight shining down on them.

His eyes picked out the hospital, _his_hospital, rising above the surrounding buildings, and he wondered if Joseph was asleep yet. He hoped not, hoped Joseph was actually watching the local news as Logan had instructed him to, and thought maybe he was; Joseph seemed to be willing to do almost anything for Logan.

_He's too attached to you. It'll get easier when he has a place to live and you only see him once a day, if that. He'll get a job and learn to rely on himself again, and then you'll be that guy who was so kind to him in his hour of need, but nothing more. And that's as it should be._

Turning his focus to the laptop, Logan quickly discovered that he was ill-equipped to handle a missing persons search. There was so much more to it than he'd realized, the list of people massive, and he had no idea what location to narrow it down to. He tried focusing only on local cases, but even that proved as impossible as finding a needle in a haystack. After an hour he threw in the towel, thinking he'd probably have better luck watching the news as he'd commanded Joseph to do.

Logan caught the last half hour of a local newscast, wishing he'd been smart enough to start with that instead, but there was nothing that caught his eye. Flipping off the television, he doused the lights and crawled into bed, mind on dancing hazel eyes and lashes so long Logan ached to run a finger across them.

_And that's not weird at all, right? That's perfectly normal behavior for a friend._

His phone was still in his hand from setting the alarm; before he could over-think it he pulled up Tommy's number and sent a text through.

_"Any way you can get Joseph to call me? I know you're busy."_

Logan could've simply called Joseph's room himself but he wasn't sure about the policy on that, if patients were allowed calls after visiting hours. He expected to wait a while, knowing Tommy would be too distracted to notice an incoming text right away, but his phone rang within five minutes. Heart racing, he turned onto his back and answered. "Hey, stranger."

"Hey, cutie." Those two words held a mixture of emotions; Logan heard shyness, excitement, fear, and that flirtatious vibe that seemed to flow effortlessly from Joseph. "You're not canceling on me for tomorrow, are you? I know I'm not your responsibility but-"

"No, Joseph," Logan replied softly. "I'll be there."

"Okay." Logan sensed the relief pouring through him, then he said, "Thanks."

"That's what friends are for. Did you watch the news?"

"Yeah, there was nothing. I promise I did, though."

"I know, I believe you. I didn't have any luck with missing persons cases; I think we're better off letting the police handle that."

"I'll see what the cop says tomorrow morning. You're home now, right?"

"Nope. Right outside your window waiting to sneak in."

"Seriously?" Joseph was up and halfway to it, Logan giggling in his ear, when he realized he was on the third floor. "You're such a little jerk. Got me all excited for nothing."

"I'm sorry, I couldn't resist," Logan laughed, listening to Joseph get settled in bed again.

"Tease. You're a tease and I hate you."

"You do not." Still grinning, Logan stretched, an involuntary whine escaping his throat.

"Holy shit, Logan, what was that?" Joseph asked.

"Sorry, I was stretching."

"Tease," Joseph repeated, and Logan imagined him shaking his head.

"That wasn't intentional! Why must you make everything about sex?"

"I don't always."

"So it's just with me?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

Logan sighed, his body liking that a little too much. "We really shouldn't flirt so much. Friends don't do that."

"But it's fun."

"I know, but...I meant what I said earlier. This isn't moving past friendship."

"Since we know that, though, the flirting is harmless, right? It's no big deal. I can tell you you're sexy without you worrying I'm gonna jump you?"

_Sexy? Really?_"I thought I was cute."

"All of the above, dude. That little sound you made went straight to my cock-way past cute."

_Shit._Logan bit his lip hard, responding to the words the way he imagined Joseph had responded to his whine. "It's dangerous."

"How? Just a little fun."

"I don't want you to think I'm going to bend on this, because I'm not. Don't want to get your hopes up."

"Trust me, I'm past thinking I'll change your mind. I'm aware it's just friendship and nothing more and...to be honest, that's enough. It's what I want most right now."

Logan smiled, touched, and he wished he was there to look into Joseph's eyes, to show Joseph he meant it. "You've got it. I'm gonna let you go now, get some sleep. Big day ahead of you tomorrow."

"Yeah. I'm really nervous about the house."

"I know. I won't leave you someplace that's not safe, okay? Do you need a ride over there?"

"No, the social worker said she's driving me. But you could probably go along or something. I want you to be there."

"We'll figure it out. I'll call Dr. Peterson in the morning and find out what time you're being discharged, and I'll be there, okay?"

"Okay. Thank you, Logan. I know you don't have to do any of this."

"I'd worry if I didn't make sure myself that you're okay. Thank Tommy for letting you use his phone. Tell him I said thank you."

"I will. Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Do you live alone? Are you...you know. Seeing anyone?"

Licking his lips, Logan answered, "No. It's just me. Not even any pets."

"How come?"

"I don't know. Too busy, I guess."

"Okay. I don't want any problems with a boyfriend who thinks I'm trying to steal you away."

"Nah, nothing to worry about there. Goodnight, Joseph."

"Night."

Logan was about to hang up when Joseph added, "I'd win, you know."

"What?"

"If it was a contest between me and your boyfriend. I'd win. You like me a lot."

_Are you for real? _"I'm hanging up now."

"You know it's true."

"I do like you a lot, even if you're egotistical and full of yourself. Go to bed."

Logan felt the bright grin through the phone, knew that Joseph was practically preening. "Goodnight!"

"Goodnight," Logan chuckled, ending the call and shaking his head. He snuggled down deeper under the covers, feeling as warm as if long, golden-tan arms were wrapped around him and holding him tight.

It was stupid, this feeling that was useless because it wouldn't go anywhere, but it warmed his heart and left him smiling and for now, that was enough.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the characters from Big Time Rush and make no money off this at all, I do it because it's fun.

**Author's Notes:**

This story is very slow-moving, at least in the beginning, and I hope it's not too boring for that. I have to establish a bunch of stuff, though, so...yeah. Thanks for reading anyway!

Another Jagan, yay! Or at least I'm excited, because we know I love Jagan. About a year ago I wrote a story for **kathrynew30**, it was a gift for our one-year friendiversary. The James Diamond in this story is taken directly from that one, though he suffered no amnesia in it. So for that reason, I dedicate this to Kathryn.

I also must dedicate it to **joyousbrokenthing**, who is entirely to blame for this being written at all. She tweeted me one night about a vision of Logan as a scientist building a robot James. This story is of course not that at all, but it got me thinking about a situation where Logan basically helps put James back together and within fifteen minutes I had this story pretty much written in my head. I wasn't planning to write a Jagan next, but it wouldn't leave me alone so here we are. Thanks a lot, Tammy. XD

**Aranelle** is always so awesome about reading this stuff and giving me feedback, so thank you for that, Sarah. I love you.

* * *

Since Logan doubted the station would send an officer over before eight, he felt comfortable waiting until he knew Faith was at work to call her. He gave her some time to get settled in and then called the hospital.

"Dr. Peterson."

"Faith, it's Logan. Have you been in to see Joseph yet?"

"Good morning to you, too. Yes, I have."

"I'm sorry, good morning. How is he?"

"Scared. Asked if I'd talked to you yet, said you're going to be here for his discharge?"

"Yeah, any idea when that'll be?"

"After he gets his fingerprints taken and talks to the police. The social worker's supposed to be here around noon, so probably about then. He's not going home with you, is he?"

"No, the social worker is taking him to a halfway house."

"I repeat: he's not going home with you, is he?"

"Faith, I'm not that stupid."

"But you're coming in to accompany him."

Logan sighed deeply, forehead resting in his hand at the kitchen table. "I know I'm getting too attached, okay? It's just until he makes the transition. Once he meets other people and starts to rely on himself, it'll be easier to extract myself. He'll probably end up transferring his attachment to his psychiatrist."

"Most likely, that's how it usually works. The person they trust the most and who accepts them no matter what, that's who they cling to."

Logan didn't want to think about that. "How did the STD panel come out?"

"Fine, everything was negative."

"That's a relief. At least we know he wasn't sleeping around with a million guys."

"Or that he was careful. Or had only one partner. Where did your brain go? Why don't you think when it comes to this guy?"

Logan wanted to argue, felt the words on his tongue, but what came out was a resigned, "I don't know."

"I'm all for you finding love, but this isn't the way to do it."

"We're just friends. I may be getting in too deep, but I'm really not that stupid." Annoyed with himself, Logan stood up suddenly and dumped his coffee mug in the sink. "I'll be there in a little bit. If you see him again, let him know that?"

"I will. Take your time, he's not going anywhere for a few hours."

"Okay, thanks."

As Logan hung up, he realized that he loved talking to Faith so much because she was always the voice of reason. Like him, she was able to see things objectively and with her brain rather than her heart. In this instance, though, Logan's brain seemed to be paralyzed. He _knew_better. This could not end well.

And yet as he jumped into the shower it was to rush through the motions, the promise of a flirty smile and sparkling eyes pushing him on.

* * *

Even at nine A.M. the hospital was bustling. Logan caught Faith leaving Joseph's room on the way to her next patient and hailed her.

She halted, waiting for him to approach, one hand in the pocket of her coat and the other wrapped around a stack of files.

"Everything good?"

"Fine. Cop just left, he's all yours."

"Thanks. Anything I should know?"

"He's scared. Even more now, after talking to the cop. I don't know what he's hiding, _he_ doesn't even know what he's hiding, but he's terrified. See if you can get him talking."

Logan nodded, watching Faith walk away but not really seeing her. _ Who are you, Joseph David?_

Joseph was once again clean-shaven and fully dressed in an outfit Logan had purchased, this time standing to stare out the window. Logan didn't understand why Joseph's height added so much more to his appeal, he'd never been attracted to tall guys before. Even the strong arms were inviting, Logan wanting to be locked into that embrace as if it would shield him from the horrors of this world.

Joseph was in no condition to be shielding anyone now, though. He looked lost and alone, and so Logan took it upon himself to be the protector. Drawn to Joseph, he walked up quietly and slid his arms around Joseph's waist, laying his cheek against Joseph's shoulderblade. He felt the calm that seemed to settle over the sturdy body, the relief that he was near.

"Hey," he said softly.

Joseph spun in his grasp, taking the comfort and holding Logan close. "Hey."

"Did it go okay with the police?"

"I guess. He took fingerprints and some of my hair. He actually cut my hair, Logan."

Logan's hold tightened. "I'm sorry."

"He told me they were starting a file for me, that I should go down to the station soon and tell them what I know."

"Which is nothing?"

"Pretty much."

"I'm sorry," Logan said again.

They were quiet for a few moments, soaking up each others' warmth, until Joseph said, "I thought we weren't doing this."

"Doing what?"

"You know...this."

"Friends hug, Joseph."

"Do they kiss, too?"

"Afraid not."

"Damn."

Logan laughed, head falling back as he moved away and dropped his arms. He wasn't sure what had changed between them that a hug felt right, but it had and so he'd done it. "Sorry."

"It's cool, I'm just glad you're here. How long are you staying?"

"As long as I need to. You are my only plans today."

Joseph grinned, obviously loving that. "Did you eat yet?"

"No, I figured I'd grab something here. I'm sure breakfast has already made the rounds, though, right?"

"Well...yes, but no. I was with the cop when she came by so I asked if she could come back. She said she only comes around once, take it or leave it. So I said I was waiting for Dr. Mitchell, and that did the trick. Only a hot meal will do for you, apparently."

As if they'd summoned her simply by speaking of her, the orderly from the previous day appeared. "Dr. Mitchell! I got you covered, sit on down. Even brought you an extra blueberry muffin since Mr. David said you love them so much."

Logan raised an eyebrow at Joseph, who blushed but shrugged as if daring Logan to say something. Instead Logan licked his lips and said, "Thank you, I appreciate it. What's your name?"

"Suzie."

She set two trays on the rolling table, about to step away when Joseph blurted, "He likes extra syrup, too. Lots of it."

"You're horrible," Logan murmured.

"Shh." After she'd dug out a few syrup packets and dropped them on the table, Joseph called out, "Thanks, Suzie!"

"Anything for Dr. Mitchell."

Logan smiled, hands in his pockets as she headed out of the room. "Thank you, Suzie. How's Gary?"

Surprised, Suzie turned back. "You remember him?"

"I do." He kept to himself that he'd gone back through the records from the week before and narrowed it down to Gary, who he realized after thinking about it had Suzie's eyes.

"He's great, doctor. Doesn't trust that little Mexican place anymore, but I don't blame him after he got so sick."

"Tell him to try Pancho's, on the corner. Really good Mexican."

Joseph blinked suddenly. "I like Mexican food."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I want nachos."

"We'll see what we can do," Logan chuckled. To Suzie, he said, "Thanks again. For taking care of Joseph, too."

"It's my job."

Once they were alone Logan moved to the bed, sitting on the edge while grabbing for the notebook and pen.

"What are you writing?" Joseph asked suspiciously.

Again Logan spoke aloud as he wrote. "Has an addiction to sweets. Not above using friends to get them."

"Oh, come on! You make me sound like a horrible person for wanting an extra muffin."

They grinned at each other. "I'll take it back if you share the muffin with me," Logan offered, eyes twinkling.

"Can I have your extra syrup?"

"Always wanting more," Logan teased. "Never satisfied, are you?"

"When I see something I like, I find a way to get it. Write that down. Memorize it."

In a split second, their flirting had moved into something more dangerous. Logan did write it down, avoiding Joseph's gaze, and the air became tense between them.

"You know what? Can we eat outside again? I need to get out of this room for a little bit."

"Sure." Closing the cover of the book, Logan held it out to Joseph. "Here. I'll grab the food. Get the hall door for me?"

Joseph did, holding it open until Logan had moved carefully through. He took one of the trays as they approached the same table from the night before, dropping into a chair and scooting it closer to the table while Logan did the same.

"Here you go." Logan tossed Joseph his extra packets of syrup.

"And here _you_ go." Joseph broke the muffin in half, setting one at the edge of Logan's plate.

"Nachos, huh?"

"Oh my god, yes. You said Mexican and I could suddenly taste them, but of course I have no idea who serves them like that."

"Once we get you settled at the house I'll take you out for lunch. I'm allowed to do that, right?"

"I don't know. I know there are strict rules."

"I at least want to take you out shopping and get you some more clothes. Do they allow you a phone?"

Joseph sat back in the chair, speechless for a moment.

"Don't go making a big deal out of it, Joseph. It's not."

"Yes, it is. You don't have to do any of that stuff for me."

"I know, but..." Logan shrugged. "I'm your friend. The only one you have right now." When Joseph continued to stare at him, Logan urged, "Eat your breakfast. No crying."

"I'm not." But he was close, Logan sensed that. He finally picked up his knife and started spreading butter over his pancakes. "It's just...I don't know what I would've done without you. If I'd gotten stuck with any other doctor..."

"Yeah, you almost had Statler. Wouldn't have been a picnic."

"So why did I get you? Weren't you already on overtime?"

Nodding, Logan dug into his food. "I was on my way out. Tommy came to get me, said Statler wanted me to handle you."

"Really? Why?"

"I'm not sure. Probably because he knew I was trying to leave. Also could be because you're a difficult case, not just a quick patch-it-up kind of thing. He'd love to see me flounder."

"I hate this guy already."

Logan grinned. "So if they let me take you, want to go shopping?"

"Logan...I don't know if I have any money, I could be poor or homeless or something, but if I do I'll pay you back for everything. At the home I have to find a job anyway and part of my check goes to them but whatever's left is yours."

"Don't worry about it. Money should be the least of your concerns right now. When do you want to go down to the station?"

Joseph didn't answer right away, the somberness returning. "I don't know, I guess we should today."

"What are you so afraid of, Joseph?" Logan asked softly.

"Nothing, I just...I don't really know. He said they were gonna run my prints through a system that has the fingerprints of anyone ever arrested and those who were listed as missing, but it would only work if I've been fingerprinted before."

"That makes sense. Do you honestly think you've been arrested?"

"How should I know? I can't even remember my own name."

"You're worried about that, though."

"I still don't think I killed anyone," Joseph argued. "I really think if I did, I'd know that."

"There are cases where people completely blank out after committing murder. Their brains can't handle what they've done so they have a mental break, and amnesia happens. It wouldn't be the first time."

"No," Joseph said firmly. "I didn't kill anyone."

"Okay." Backing off, Logan changed tactics. "There's always the chance you were arrested for something minor at one point. That would be helpful. Which sounds funny, but in this case it would actually be a good thing."

Joseph was silent again, staring down at his food.

"Wouldn't it?"

Joseph shrugged.

"Why would that be a bad thing?"

"I just...why did this happen? There has to be a reason, right?"

"Right," Logan replied. "You're running for a reason."

"I'm scared, Logan," Joseph finally admitted. "I'm scared of who I used to be. What if it's someone horrible and you hate me and I end up going to jail or something and-"

"Hey, calm down. I'm not gonna hate you."

"What if I killed someone?"

"Then you pay the consequences. And then you move on and spend the rest of your life making up for it, or at least trying."

"I'm just...fuck, I'm so scared to find out. I don't want to hate myself. I tried to kill myself, that tells me a lot. I must've really hated the person I was."

"Not necessarily. You could've just been suffering a lot of pain and wanted it to end. Maybe you're the victim here."

"What if I'm not?"

"Then you change. You face whatever happened and you change. Become the kind of person you want to be."

"You know, it's easy for you to sit here and say all that. You're not the one dealing with this."

"No, but I'm right here next to you. Doesn't that count for anything?"

Joseph looked up suddenly, seemingly touched and relieved at the same time. "It does," he said quietly. "It counts for a lot. Are you sure we can't kiss?"

"Positive," Logan answered immediately, though at the moment there was nothing he wanted more and his heart was racing at the thought. "Eat. You worked hard for that muffin and syrup."

"Fine." Sighing, Joseph picked up his fork in one hand, the muffin in the other.

"Did you write down that you're right-handed?"

"No. Didn't really notice. Is that important?"

"Probably not, but like I said—every little thing could be. What else did you come up with last night?"

"Not much. I like reality T.V. shows."

Logan groaned. "How can you watch that crap?"

"I don't know, it's fun. I love the beach."

"Yeah? Do you have memories of being at one?"

"Nothing specific, but I know what it feels like to be in the water. I love it."

"What about snow?"

Joseph pondered that. "Snow. I think...yeah, maybe. I've been in snow. I think," he said again. "God, this sucks. I hate not knowing."

"It's okay, we'll get there. Did you um...have any more dreams?"

Joseph smirked. "Not like that one. I didn't remember my dreams when I woke up this time. Dr. Peterson said when I work with a psychiatrist they can hypnotize me and hopefully that'll do something. I won't remember what I said, but they record everything so..." He shrugged.

"You might remember. It all depends on what your mind is willing to share with you. Seems like it's fighting you. Or you're fighting it. If you keep resisting your past, you won't ever remember. You do want to, right?"

"Of course! It's frustrating not knowing anything. It's scary, too. I feel so...alone," Joseph finished.

"You're not. I promise."

The slow smile he was answered with made Logan glad he was taking a chance on Joseph. "Thank you," Joseph said yet again.

"You are very welcome, handsome stranger," Logan grinned. "And if you promise no reality shows or soap operas, we can watch T.V. together while we wait for the social worker."

"Done. I'll even let you have control of the remote. Anything you want."

The fluttering of Logan's heart was proof that everything Faith had been saying all along was true. _Yeah. Definitely too attached. But damn, when he smiles at me like that..._

"You want my cookie? You deserve it after putting up with all my shit."

Logan melted. Joseph offering a sweet was as good as a declaration of love. "How about we share?"

Joseph nodded, that smile lighting up Logan's world again. "Perfect."

* * *

Logan helped Joseph pack up what little belongings he'd acquired since arriving at the hospital, and then they watched television together for a few hours. This time Logan found some cartoons and they bonded over it, Joseph guessing correctly that Logan hadn't watched anything silly in over a year.

"I bet you don't even go to the movies, do you?"

"I did a few months ago, actually."

"Yeah? Date?"

"My mom," Logan admitted with a sheepish grin. "She came out for her birthday and I treated her to dinner and a movie. We had fun, though."

"Where does she live?"

"Minnesota. I grew up there, came out here for college and med school."

"No dad?"

"No. It's just me and mom, has been for most of my life."

Joseph didn't push, instead asking, "When's your birthday? Anytime soon?"

"About a month away. You already planning out my surprise party?" Logan teased.

"Maybe. Or maybe I already know what I'm getting you."

"You don't have to get me anything. And by that time you might even be back where you came from, this part of your life a nightmare you're trying to forget."

A large hand reached across the bed and wrapped around Logan's smaller one, which had been resting on the sheet as Logan sat in his chair. "You're not a nightmare. Whatever happens, I don't think I could ever forget you. I wouldn't even want to try."

This was one of those moments where if they hadn't decided to be friends and nothing more, Logan would've welcomed the kiss he saw Joseph dying to give. Instead he flipped his hand over under Joseph's, linking their fingers. "I don't expect anything from you. Once it comes back, you'll return to your life."

"Doesn't mean I can't bring something new with me. Unless...I mean, if you'd rather wash your hands of me when that happens I get it and I wouldn't blame you but-"

"Let's not worry about that right now. Just...worry about today."

"Okay," Joseph agreed, attention moving back to the brightly-colored images on the screen above them.

Logan's eyes roamed Joseph, though, took in his profile and his glorious hair and when he suddenly had an almost uncontrollable urge to run his fingers through it, Logan looked away.

"Did you hear I don't have any sex diseases?"

"Yes," Logan chuckled. "That's a relief, huh?"

"Yeah."

"I still don't suggest going out and catching any."

"Wasn't planning to. I admit, I'm dying for sex, but I'm cool with waiting until the time is right. How often do you get some?"

From anyone else, the question would've seemed rude. For some reason from Joseph, it wasn't a surprise. "Not often enough, but I don't miss it as much as you seem to. Don't get me wrong, it's great, but I'm not...you know. Dying for it."

"Yeah. It sucks."

They watched cartoons for a few minutes before Joseph spoke again. "Tell me more about this fugue thing. Dr. Peterson explained some of it but I still don't get what happens."

"Your mind betrays you, basically. Though I suppose it's more like a coping mechanism. Something happened to you that you couldn't handle. Your brain shut down because it was either that or go crazy."

"But isn't amnesia a form of mental illness anyway? Basically I did go crazy."

"I guess, if you look at it that way. You can overcome this, though."

"Are they gonna put me on drugs for this?"

"They might, there are medications that aid recovery but they don't always work."

"I don't want drugs."

"They can't force you unless you're institutionalized, Joseph."

"I don't want that, either."

"No, I know." Logan smiled and squeezed Joseph's hand. "You're fine, not a danger to yourself or others. Right?"

"Promise."

"Good. As long as Faith and your psychiatrist agree, you have nothing to worry about."

"You mean Dr. Peterson?"

"Yes. Her name's Faith. Did she mention anything about drugs?"

"No. Said that would all be up to my head doctor. But I should have a regular doctor too, right?"

"Faith also sees patients once a week at a clinic downtown. I'm sure if you ever needed anything you could make an appointment with her."

"Or I could just ask you."

"You could," Logan agreed, about to add more when Joseph interrupted him.

"So how does that work? Getting my memory back? Does it happen all at once or little by little?"

"Every case is different, I'd imagine, but from what I read it sounds like it can go either way. Your brain will probably give you hints over time, things will trigger memories, maybe. I doubt it'll all happen at once, because that might be more traumatic. Even hypnosis can be traumatic if it all comes back suddenly. We'll just take it slow, okay?"

Joseph nodded, gratitude and trust in his eyes as Faith stepped through the doorway. She halted, taking in their clasped hands with an air of resignation as she addressed Joseph.

"The social worker just called, she'll be here in a while to collect you. Logan, I mentioned you would be acting as his guardian, since I know he's not going anywhere without you."

"Guardian? He's not a minor. Not even a ward of the state."

"We don't _think_he's a minor. And perhaps guardian wasn't the right word. You'll be listed as his contact. He has no family."

"Oh. That's fine. But there's no way he's a minor."

Ignoring that comment, Faith moved on. "She asked me if you'd rather drive him over and just meet her there."

"I..." When Logan at Joseph for a reaction it was to meet pleading hazel eyes. "Sure. I was planning to head over with them anyway."

"Here's her number."

Logan stood to take the folded paper Faith was holding out, glancing at it and then doing a double-take when he noted there were words written down as well as a number.

_"DO NOT TAKE HIM HOME. THINK."_

Logan chuckled. "Thanks, Faith. Got it."

"Dr. Peterson?"

Shifting her attention to Joseph, Faith approached the bed. "Yes, Joseph?"

"If I need to see a real doctor, can I see you? Logan said you see patients once a week."

"Of course. He's got the number, just make an appointment. You're going to be fine," she added, a softness creeping into her voice that Logan rarely heard and he knew Joseph had gotten under her skin as well, even though she tried to act as if he hadn't. "I promise."

"Thanks for everything."

"Just remember not to push too hard, okay? Your brain is hiding things for a reason. When you're ready to handle it, you will remember. And when that happens, you have people who will help you through it."

"Like me," Logan commented, stepping forward to squeeze Joseph's hand. "If you need me, I'm here."

"I do."

"Right here, buddy."

This time it was Joseph who squeezed Logan's hand, holding tight in fear of what was to come.

"I'll call the social worker and let her know we'll meet her there, okay? Let me get the information from Faith." He extracted his hand, Joseph reluctantly letting go and then watching them walk out into the hallway, where they stepped closer to the next room in order not to be overheard.

Faith spun immediately to hiss at Logan. "What are you doing?"

"Holding his hand. It's no big deal."

"You are so far gone. Logan, he could be a criminal! He could be a pimp or a drug dealer or all of the above and you're not thinking here!"

"I know, okay?" Logan whispered. "I know all of that, I just...he's a good person. I feel it."

"What if this is a case of multiple personality disorder? What if what you're seeing is the nice side of him, but there's a bad one, too? Didn't you ever see _Identity_?"

Rolling his eyes, Logan said, "Faith, stop telling me things I already know. I'm an adult, I know the risks."

"But you could be ruining your life. You have such an incredible future ahead of you, I don't want to see you dragged down by something like this."

"He's going to forget about me anyway," Logan replied. "He needs me right now. Once he doesn't..."

"So you get your heart broken? That's so much better. At least it'll be a lesson learned, I guess. Just promise me you'll leave him at the home."

"I will. I swear, I have no intentions of bringing him to my apartment."

Running a hand through her flyaway red hair, Faith let out a deep sigh. "I'm just worried about you. You're not thinking clearly."

"But he's hot," Logan said softly, relieved when it brought a chuckle out of Faith. "Seriously, Faith. I can handle this. And when he smiles at me...I don't know. I've never felt anything like it. I know it's dangerous but I can't walk away now. Not until he doesn't need me anymore."

"And in the meantime you just enjoy what you can?"

"Yeah, I guess. Something good in my life to look back on."

"Call Amanda. She's the social worker. Tell her you're taking Joseph there. She'll give you the address."

"Thanks." Logan hugged her suddenly. "You know, you're telling me all the things my mom would say if she was here. It's good to have you around."

"Don't forget it. And take care of Hot Guy."

"I will." Logan grinned before stepping back. "We have a nacho date later."

"Look at you, you're all excited about it. I give up."

"See ya." Still wearing a huge grin, Logan returned to the room that would soon only be a memory in Joseph's mind-one of the few he would have.

"You ready to get out of this place and get some nachos?"

Joseph's smile challenged Logan's in size. "Nothing would make me happier."

* * *

It was a strange feeling to witness Joseph outside the hospital grounds. He'd signed himself out (hesitating briefly but then scrawling his new name), filled out the necessary paperwork and used Logan's address as a place to forward any mail. Though Logan heard Faith yelling in his head, he was the one who suggested it. The sunlight seemed to add something to Joseph's demeanor, as if he was a plant soaking up the rays and coming to life.

They walked side-by-side to Logan's car, Joseph carrying two plastic bags containing all his worldly possessions. He hesitated when Logan unlocked the doors and opened the passenger side for him, staring down into the car silently.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Just feels weird, you know? Like it's my first time or something."

"In a car?"

"No, just...I don't know. I can't explain it. Just weird."

"Okay." Logan took the plastic bags from Joseph and tossed them into the backseat, then waited for Joseph to lower his body into the car. "You can move the seat back, stretch out those long legs."

Joseph smirked up at him. "You really like my legs, don't you?"

Refusing to answer, Logan closed the door before skirting around the back of the car to slide into his own seat. He noted the death grip Joseph had on the arm rest of the door. "Relax. This place won't be so bad."

"I know."

"After we get you settled in I promise nachos, okay? I'll even take you to Pancho's. That's my favorite."

"Okay." He was trying, Logan could see that, but as he turned on the car Joseph jolted in his seat.

"Joseph, it's fine. Calm down."

"I know," he repeated. "Just...drive. And buckle your seatbelt."

"I'd planned on it."

They'd made it a block before a hand was gripping his tight, fingers linking with his on the console between them. "I promise I won't leave you someplace that isn't safe."

Joseph only nodded, eyes scanning the traffic around them.

"Are you okay?"

"Fine. Red light!" Joseph suddenly yelled, and his short nails dug into Logan's hand.

"I see it, I'm slowing down." When the car was stopped, Logan studied Joseph. His breathing was slightly shallow as if he was fighting off a panic attack, eyes darting everywhere, and Logan could almost see his pulse racing. Narrowing his eyes, he lifted his foot off the brake and the car rolled forward slowly.

"Logan, Jesus Christ, stop! It's a red light!"

Immediately Logan pressed the brake, having had no intention of going more than a foot or two. When the light changed he pulled forward and turned into a parking lot, putting the car in park and turning to face Joseph. "Do you drive?"

"How the fuck should I know?"

"Think about it. Do you know how? The mechanics of it?"

"Doesn't everybody?"

"No. A lot of people have phobias about driving." Logan suddenly opened his door and released the seatbelt.

"Where are you going?"

"You're gonna drive."

"What? Are you fucking nuts? I'm not driving your car!"

"Just for a little bit. A block or so."

"No way."

"Joseph, it's just a block."

"No!"

"Why are you afraid to drive?"

"I'm not! But I don't even know if I know how and who knows how long it's been and-"

"For me. Do it for me? Just around the parking lot?"

"Logan, I can't."

"You can. Come on. Do it for me."

Joseph closed his eyes, head falling back against the seat. "Why are you making me do this?"

"Because it's all part of the puzzle. Come on. Drive for me."

"Fine." Pissed off, Joseph ripped the seatbelt open and stepped out of the car, slamming the door behind him. He was muttering as Logan passed him, something about "fuck this shit" and "if you weren't so amazing" and other things Logan missed, but the last part had him smiling.

So Joseph thought he was amazing?

Once they were settled again, in opposite seats this time, they buckled up and Joseph raised shaking hands to the wheel. "Talk to me," Logan prompted. "Tell me what you're feeling."

"I'm scared."

"Why?"

"I don't know."

"Now that you're in place, is it coming back to you? How to drive?"

"Yeah, I know how to drive, it's just..."

"What?"

"I don't know. It seems like that's all I ever say and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of not knowing."

"So drive. One step closer to knowing."

"Fine." Joseph put the car in drive, his entire body trembling now as it started moving slowly.

"Relax," Logan whispered. "I'm right here."

After about fifty feet, Joseph hit the brakes and put the car in park. "Fuck this shit. I'm sorry, Logan. I can't do it. And don't ask me why, because I don't know."

"It's okay." Logan took Joseph's right hand in his left, rubbing circles into it with his thumb. "You did it. We now know something."

"What do we know?"

"That cars make you uncomfortable. Driving or just riding in one. That has to mean something."

"But what? What good does it do to know that if we don't know why?"

"Because one day it'll all make sense. All these little clues will add up. I think this is a big one, though. I wonder if you were in an accident."

"But I was fine, right? When I went to the hospital?"

"True," Logan frowned. "Not even a scrape. That happens sometimes, though. Make sure we mention that to the police, okay? Possible car accident the day you appeared, or even a few days before."

"Whatever. Can we just get to the house already so I can get out of this car?"

"Of course." As Joseph released his seatbelt and started to open the door, Logan leaned over and smacked a kiss on his cheek. Surprised, Joseph smiled, his eyes lighting up. "What was that for?"

"Friendship kiss. Because I'm proud of you. I know that was scary."

"So every time I do something I don't want to do, I get a kiss?"

"A _friendship_ kiss," Logan repeated.

"I can live with that. If I drive for a whole mile, can I get more than a friendship kiss?"

Logan chuckled. "Nope."

Joseph grinned anyway, shaking his head. "You are so cute. How are you still single?"

"Guess I just haven't met the right guy yet."

"Or maybe you just don't let yourself fall in love."

"Maybe." Logan knew that wasn't true, though, because as much as he'd tried to fight it, his heart already belonged to Joseph. It scared him a little, but as long as he kept it under control and remembered that Joseph would eventually be gone from his life, Logan wasn't worried about it. _ I can handle this._

"So you gonna drive or what?"

"Yeah." Logan unbuckled his own belt, smiling at Joseph as they passed each other.

"So cute," Joseph said again.

"So hot," Logan called back, and Joseph's laugh was a beautiful sound.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the characters taken from Big Time Rush and placed into this story. I make no money off this.

**Author's Notes:**

This story is very slow-moving, at least in the beginning, and I hope it's not too boring for that. I have to establish a bunch of stuff, though, so...yeah. Thanks for reading anyway!

**Cookie Monster Giggles** informed me there is actually a Mexican food place called Pancho's. I didn't know that and the Pancho's I describe here is not that one, unless of course it fits with the story haha. I just thought it was a good name.

And thank you so much for the reviews. I know this one is frustrating, especially when it comes to the lack of giving in to their...desires, I guess you'd call it, but Logan is nothing if not cautious (or as cautious as he can be when faced with a James Diamond who has set his sights on Logan).

Another Jagan, yay! Or at least I'm excited, because we know I love Jagan. About a year ago I wrote a story for **kathrynew30**, it was a gift for our one-year friendiversary. The James Diamond in this story is taken directly from that one, though he suffered no amnesia in it. So for that reason, I dedicate this to Kathryn.

I also must dedicate it to **joyousbrokenthing**, who is entirely to blame for this being written at all. She tweeted me one night about a vision of Logan as a scientist building a robot James. This story is of course not that at all, but it got me thinking about a situation where Logan basically helps put James back together and within fifteen minutes I had this story pretty much written in my head. I wasn't planning to write a Jagan next, but it wouldn't leave me alone so here we are. Thanks a lot, Tammy. XD

**Aranelle** is always so awesome about reading this stuff and giving me feedback, so thank you for that, Sarah. I love you.

* * *

The house looked like any other house on the quiet street, and if not the for the small sign in the window proclaiming it Haven House, Logan wouldn't have had any clue it was anything different. It was a large two-story place that had been added onto, the backyard smaller for that but still a place Logan thought Joseph could let his mind wander while sketching his pictures.

He made a mental note to pick up a sketch book for Joseph as they stared out the kitchen window, Joseph's hand gripping his tight.

They'd been let into the house by a man who didn't introduce himself but led them to the kitchen to wait. Amanda had elected to follow in the search for the owner of the place, and she now entered the kitchen with an older man on her heels. He had a kind but weary face and Logan wondered what he'd been through in his life, what circumstances had led him to open this place to others in need. He wasn't particularly tall or built, but Logan sensed he wasn't one to be crossed and felt better about leaving Joseph here.

"This is Trevor."

"Nice to meet you boys," Trevor said while holding out a hand, and Logan nudged Joseph forward so they could shake hands across the battered wooden table. "You're Joseph?"

"Yes. Hi."

"I'm Logan." Stepping closer, Logan also shook Trevor's hand, and then Amanda gestured for them all to be seated.

"It's quiet," Logan commented. "I didn't expect that."

"Most of the residents are at work right now. It gets a little rowdy in the evenings but most of the time everyone behaves. I know halfway houses have a bad reputation but I take pride in mine. I want my boarders to feel safe. It's important when you're working with the mentally fragile."

Logan felt fingers digging into his knee and slid his hand down to link fingers with Joseph, letting him know he was safe.

Amanda jumped in. "I was mistaken, Joseph, there are no former inmates here. It's strictly for those with mental complications."

"I don't take prisoners here," Trevor agreed. "I used to but it caused too many problems. We got enough of those without adding to it."

When Joseph looked scared, Logan squeezed his hand. "Go ahead, say what's on your mind."

"It's just that I don't know my past. I might be a former prisoner. I don't think I am, but...how can I really know?"

"Amanda explained your circumstances to me, Joseph. You're not the first amnesia patient we've had here, and so far it hasn't been a problem. Since you're not as bad off as some of these guys mentally, you'll have a little more freedom but I still expect you to follow the basic rules."

"And what are those?" Logan asked.

"Curfew is nine o' clock. I expect you to find work, or at least show me you're trying to, after the first week. I know that's hard for someone like you with no past, no references, but there are jobs that will hire you anyway."

"I have a list of places for you to try," Amanda offered. "Places that work with the mentally disabled."

Logan wasn't sure that Joseph fit into that category, but Joseph nodded. It was all happening a little fast, but he wasn't arguing. "What other rules?"

"You'll have chores to do around the house. Meetings I require you to go to."

"Meetings? What kind of meetings? I don't have any addictions or anything."

_Except maybe to sex._ That was something Logan hadn't considered before, but sex addiction was a real affliction. If Joseph was addicted to anything, that was probably it. Trevor's voice interrupted his thoughts.

"Mostly I require the meetings for everyone because it's a way for you all to spend time together and understand what the others are going through. It strengthens the brotherhood. Most of the guys here are like you, appear perfectly normal to an outsider and are able to function in society with minimal problems. When you do get a job, I expect you to be here every Wednesday night for the meeting."

"He will be," Logan said. "Any other rules? How about visitors, and leaving the house?"

"Visitors are welcome for a short time only, as it can disrupt the others. If you want to spend time with him, I prefer you take him elsewhere. Just make sure to have him back before nine every night. And he'll need to be free to find a job, make the rounds on that."

"He'll also have appointments with his psychiatrist," Amanda added. "We have him set up for two visits a week, starting tomorrow."

"I work tomorrow, so you'll have to take the bus," Logan said softly.

"It's cool, I know you have a life. I'm not your responsibility."

"As long as you need me, I'm here. When I can be."

Amanda interrupted. "Joseph, your stay here is voluntary. Your psychological and medical care is paid for as long as you attend your appointments and continue to make progress. After three months we'll review your case and decide if you still need the help, but in the meantime if you expect the state to provide for you, you'll have to follow our rules."

"I'm aware of that. Was I complaining?"

Logan squeezed his hand, warning him to back off. Joseph definitely had a sassy side.

"What other rules are there, Trevor?" Logan asked.

"Uh..." Looking uncomfortable, Trevor shifted in his chair before continuing. "Normally I don't have to worry about this, and if I'm wrong forgive me, but I feel that in this instance I need to mention that sexual relations between housemates is forbidden." Before anyone could say anything he added, "I only mention that because you two seem very...close."

The "we're just friends" argument wasn't going to work in this situation, Logan knew that. He hadn't realized it was so obvious, but there were feelings between them that Trevor, at least, had picked up on. Or maybe it was simply that Joseph seemed terrified for Logan to leave his sight. Considering that Joseph was so hungry for sex and would be confined to a house full of men, it wasn't an irrational fear on Trevor's part, either. He glanced up at Joseph, waiting to see what he'd have to say.

"I understand," was all he said.

"As his...guardian, for lack of a better word, you will be the only person allowed to sign him out. If he proves to be trustworthy over time, he'll be allowed more freedom, but for now that's how it going to work."

Logan nodded. Joseph didn't seem too bothered by that either, but who really knew what Joseph was thinking half the time? "What about food? Does he have to buy his own?"

"Not for the first few weeks. I'll provide that for him, but he has to eat what I give him."

"No corn," Joseph begged. "Please, anything but corn."

"You got any allergies to foods?"

"Uh...I really don't know. I hope not, that would suck to find out the hard way."

"He loves to eat, we know that," Logan grinned, leaning over to pat Joseph's flat stomach. "Lock up the sweets."

"Shh. You just ruined me, Logan."

The hand that was intertwined with Joseph's squeezed, Joseph turning to smile at Logan and Logan decided right then and there that they should never be alone. That smile was going to be his downfall.

Amanda dug out a business card and slid it across the table to Joseph. "Hold on to that. If you have any questions or need to get hold of me for any reason, just call."

"That reminds me," Logan said, sitting up straighter. "Is he allowed to have a cell phone?"

Trevor studied Joseph, considering, then nodded. "I have the right to confiscate it and check the history if I suspect anything illegal or against the rules is going on. Legally I don't, but this is my house. My rules. I've had problems with that in the past."

"The only person I'd be calling or texting is Logan," Joseph said. "And maybe Amanda."

"And your psychiatrist, if she needs to get in touch," Amanda added.

"I don't bend on that," Trevor said. "You get a phone, I have the right to check it when I want. That's my rule."

"It's fine," Logan responded, and Joseph nodded.

"As long as I have a way to call Logan I'm fine with it."

"I'll be working a lot, don't forget."

"I know, but...I kind of like talking to you on the phone. I understand if you're busy and I wouldn't keep you tied up too long-"

"Joseph, it's fine," Logan soothed. "You can call me anytime you need me. I may not answer right away, but I'll get back to you as soon as I can. We'll get you a phone today, okay?"

There was that bit of hero worship again. Logan wished he didn't like it so much. To Amanda and Trevor he said, "And I'll make sure you both get the number, as well as having mine. If anything goes wrong or there are concerns relating to Joseph, I expect a phone call."

"As long as he follows my rules, we won't have a problem."

Amanda nodded, standing up. "Joseph, you have my number, right?"

"Yes. You just gave me a card."

"Call if you need anything. The information about tomorrow's appointment is in that packet of paperwork I gave you. Read it over, it explains how social services works in your case. And I strongly suggest you follow up with the police department; they already have a file open for you."

"We're going in this afternoon," Logan informed her.

"Good. I'm sorry, I have another patient to meet with but it was nice meeting you, Logan. Joseph, take care of yourself."

Trevor stood to walk her out, Joseph watching them go.

"You don't like Amanda. Why not?"

Shrugging, Joseph replied, "I don't know, she just rubs me wrong. I feel like with her I'm just another patient."

"Well...you probably are."

"But not with you, right? With you I'm more?"

"Would I be sitting here holding your hand if you weren't?"

Joseph's eyes crinkled when he grinned. "So can we get nachos now?"

"Soon. I want to talk to Trevor more first. And you heard what he said—no sex with the other guys."

"Please, they're probably all old and scary anyway."

"And if they're not? Still no sex."

"I think you're just jealous. Because I'm hot."

"I think you're full of yourself."

"Freely admit that. But I'm also hot, and you really wanted to kiss me earlier."

"Doesn't matter. We suffer together, remember?"

Joseph sighed. "Yeah, I remember. But I'm not your patient anymore, so why not?"

"Because this is already too complicated. There's enough going on in your life without adding romance to it. Your focus needs to be on your life, not on me."

"But you're a big part of my life," Joseph argued.

"For right now. That's going to change, and don't try to tell me it's not. Once you remember your past life, this one will be left behind. I told you, you might have a boyfriend or husband desperately looking for you. Even a wife, who knows?"

"I can't imagine being married to a woman."

"It's entirely possible that when your brain blocked out the old you, it went with what you really want. Maybe you were stuck in a marriage with a woman and were unhappy. You might even have kids."

"Kids? Me?" Joseph wrinkled his nose at the thought.

"My point is anything's possible. We just don't know. And for that reason, I'm not getting involved with you. Imagine if there_ is_ a guy you're in love with, how would you feel knowing you cheated on him? How would _he_ feel? One day you'll remember everything and I don't want you to have any regrets when you do. I don't want to be the bad guy in your life."

"I feel like you're the best thing that ever happened to me. I don't know why I'm so sure of that, but I feel it. There's never been anyone like you."

"But you can't say that, Joseph, because you don't really know. And until you do, anything more than friendship is off limits for us. Okay?"

Joseph hated that, wanted to argue to point, but he sighed and gave in. "Okay. I hate it when you're right."

"Something you'll learn quickly with me, Joseph—I usually am." Logan winked, making Joseph laugh and pull him closer, and when Trevor returned it was to find Logan's head on his shoulder and his arm around Logan.

Logan sat up in the chair. "So it's okay if I take him out? We're just going for lunch and to get him some more clothes and supplies. He has nothing."

"What you two do off the premises isn't my concern, as long as it's nothing illegal. He does anything illegal and he's out. That includes drugs, and I forgot to mention I don't allow alcohol in the house, either. Not even beer. If you ever return to the house intoxicated, you're out. Know that now."

Joseph nodded. "I don't do drugs. I know that much."

Logan got them back on topic. "And we'll stop by the police station, and after that probably dinner. But it's going to be healthy, Joseph. You're not eating burgers and nachos every day."

"You're no fun," Joseph pouted.

"I'm a doctor. Get used to it."

And damn if Joseph wasn't favoring him with that adorable smile again. Logan stood up abruptly. "So as long as he's back by nine, we're good?"

"Yes. I know I'm coming off like a hardass, but rules are what keeps this place working. I'm actually a nice guy. I'm adamant about my rules being followed, though."

"We understand," Logan nodded. "I'm sure a lot of these guys need structure in their lives."

"They really do. I don't know about you yet, Joseph, but I want you to know you can come to me if you ever need to. If there are any problems or you feel threatened or just need someone to talk to."

"Thanks."

Logan knew he would be the one Joseph talked to, though, when he needed someone. Or at least he hoped.

Trevor stood. "Follow me to your room."

Nervous again, Joseph trailed behind them up the staircase and to a room in a corner of the house. It held two single beds that were made up neatly if a bit plain, a closet, a bookshelf, and a nightstand for each bed.

"Your bathroom is across the hall, and you'll share it with the other guys on this floor. You have to sign up for shower time because everyone seems to want them in the mornings, and they're limited to fifteen minutes each. Miss your time and you don't get to make it up until the evening. Your roommate's name is Patrick, he's a nice kid who suffers severe anxiety disorder. Struggle for him to even get out of bed every day, but he's come a long way and usually manages it and makes it through work. He'll probably feel better having you around, Joseph. He was upset when his last roommate left, said he felt safer having someone near."

Irrational jealousy sprung up in Logan, who was feeling a bit of anxiety himself. Patrick would be the new friend in Joseph's life, the one Joseph would cling to now. Most likely Joseph would be that protector Logan had sensed earlier in the morning and it would be good for him to have a focus, someone to care for that needed him and made him feel worthy as a human again instead of dependent on others. This was exactly the reason Logan hadn't wanted to get heavily involved with Joseph in the first place, because once Joseph left it would crush him.

_You knew this was coming. You know you're only temporary. Once he remembers everything he won't even be around most likely, so this is for the best._

"Why did the last roommate leave?" Joseph wanted to know.

"Broke my rules," was the reply.

"Right. Don't break your rules. Got it. Logan, you got my stuff?"

"Yeah, here." Logan passed Joseph the bags he'd brought upstairs, Joseph dropping them on the bed Trevor gestured to.

"I'll get everything put away tonight. What about laundry?"

"You get to do it once a week. Two loads. Sometimes you can convince the other guys to let you throw a few clothes in with theirs, if they like you. A few of the guys even take it to their families' houses and do it there."

"You can do yours at my place if you want, Joseph. I have a washer and dryer. Maybe that can be our weekly date, huh?"

"Will there be nachos?" Joseph teased. "We can do nacho and laundry dates. Watch some cartoons."

The crazy thing was that sounded perfect to Logan. The few hours they'd spent together in Joseph's room had been wonderful, even if all they'd done was sit there and watch silly television shows. "We'll see about the nachos. How about we bake cookies, too? Nothing like eating a cookie you baked yourself."

"I wonder if I know how to bake." He pondered that, then shook his head. "Doesn't feel like it. So yeah—teach me."

"I hope once you start working, we have a day off together once in a while."

Joseph frowned. "That would suck if we didn't. At least we still have the phone, right? We can watch T.V. together on the phone."

"You'll notice there's no television in the rooms."

Their attention swung back to Trevor.

"There is a television in the front room, and a second one in the den. There is also a schedule in place, and together we all work out who has control of them at what time. It rotates. Evenings are the hardest, since everyone's home."

"That's okay," Joseph said. "If nothing else, I can just call Logan and we can talk instead. Is there a curfew on that, too?"

"Yes. No phone calls after ten unless it's an emergency, even if you have a cell phone. Patrick will tell me if you break that rule, too. He's a good kid."

Logan didn't have to see Joseph roll his eyes to know he was doing it. _Sassy Joseph_. "I'll make sure we hang up by then if we happen to be talking. Anything else?"

"I think that's about it. I'm always here, except for a few hours during the day when I run errands and get things taken care of. There are only a couple of guys I allow to stay home alone, and you'll probably be one of them, Joseph. Just don't-"

"Break your rules. Right."

"Okay, let's head out," Logan interrupted, dragging Joseph toward the door. "Thank you, Trevor. I'll have him back by nine."

"Wouldn't want to break his rules," Joseph said sarcastically as they took the stairs down to the bottom floor.

"You need to chill out. This is the only place you have to stay and if you mess it up-"

"I won't. I don't want to be out on the street again."

"That's what we're trying to avoid." Logan took Joseph's hand as they crossed the lawn to his car, stopping suddenly in his tracks and pulling Joseph back to him. "What do you mean, again?"

"What?"

"You said _again_. Out on the street _again_. When were you on the streets?"

Joseph blinked, and Logan watched him carefully. This was twice he'd let something like that slip and Logan's original fear of Joseph faking all of this came back in spades. Joseph seemed to chase the idea, though, struggling to call it back, and finally shook his head. "Shit. I think...I don't get it. I did that say that, right?"

"Yes. I heard you."

"So why can't I remember ever being on the streets? What would even make me say that if I don't remember it happening? I'm thinking about it, trying to imagine it and wondering what would make me say that but it's blank. I've got nothing."

"We're gonna mention that to your psychiatrist tomorrow. Obviously your brain is sending out hints, but not when you want it to. It's like something out of the corner of your eye, you can see it but when you look for it there's nothing there."

"That's exactly how it feels. Does this mean you're coming with me tomorrow? I thought you had to work."

"I do. Damn." With a sigh he dragged Joseph toward the car again and opened the door once the locks had disengaged. "Forget it. I'm going with you."

"You don't have to."

"I'll take off a few hours. What time was your appointment?"

"I think it said four."

"I'll just leave a little early. I never take time off, they'd better not say anything."

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to be a-"

"You're not. I'm doing this because I want to."

"Oh. Thanks, Logan."

Logan offered him a smile, but he felt a little guilty as his reasons for wanting to be there weren't completely altruistic. If Joseph was playing him, Logan intended to find out.

* * *

Logan was able to put aside his fears well enough to enjoy watching Joseph get excited over nachos. Joseph went with beef, Logan chicken, and they shared in order to test both. It was also discovered that Joseph had a taste for spice, slathering his in the hottest salsa available.

Logan watched him shovel bite after bite into his mouth, the sounds erupting from him borderline orgasmic, and though it brought visions to mind Logan didn't welcome he smiled anyway. For once Joseph wasn't concerned with the way he looked, he simply enjoyed his meal and only occasionally wiped at his mouth.

Probably because they were alone and doing something they wanted to do for a change, Joseph was happier than Logan had seen him yet. He gushed about the amazingness of the food, loved the atmosphere of the place, and managed to keep his hands to himself other than the few minutes they'd stood at the counter waiting in line to order. When Joseph's arms slid around his waist from behind, Logan's first thought had been to discourage it but then Joseph rested his cheek against Logan's hair and Logan caved, leaning back into the strength and tightening Joseph's hold on him. Eyes closed, he'd simply savored the touch and tried not to react when Joseph spoke softly into his ear.

"I'm thinking beef, how about you?"

Logan had swallowed hard, berating himself for getting hot over a conversation about lunch. "Chicken," he'd responded, stepping out of the grasp and ignoring what he knew would be disappointment on Joseph's face. Letting Joseph touch him was not the smartest thing he'd ever done, especially considering he didn't even know if he could trust the man at this point.

From Pancho's Logan drove them to a clothing store, Joseph complaining about the money Logan was spending but realizing he had no choice; it wasn't like he could wash the few clothes he had nightly.

"You're spending too much money on me," he complained anyway.

"I'm a doctor, I can afford it. Let me do this for you."

"I think you like having someone to take care of," Joseph mused, watching Logan hold up a black leather jacket.

"Don't flatter yourself, I'm doing this for me."

"You? How do you benefit from buying me clothes?"

"Because you have to wear them for me," Logan smirked. "Hot guy in leather? I'm not passing that up. See if this fits."

With a huge grin Joseph slid the jacket up his arms and over his shoulders, lifting an eyebrow while shooting Logan a smoldering expression.

"Oh yeah. You're getting that. Never taking it off."

Joseph laughed as he shrugged out of it, handing it back to Logan before sliding an arm around his waist and leaning down to kiss his temple. "Seriously, you're so cute."

The urge to lift his lips up to meet Joseph's was almost unbearable again, so Logan moved away to a rack of jeans. "Find some that fit," he commanded.

When they were done Joseph had a change of clothes for every day of the week in addition to what Logan had already purchased for him, as well as the jacket and a second pair of shoes. He didn't bat an eyelash at the total, but felt Joseph blanch and turned back to reach out for his hand. "Hey. You're worth it."

"You can't say that, you don't even know me."

"I know enough. For this, at least." He spun back to pay for the purchases, feeling Joseph step up again to hug him from behind before planting a kiss on his cheek.

"Thank you."

"More than welcome, buddy. Next stop is to find you a phone."

It was a simple process to add Joseph to his own cellular plan, and an hour later Joseph was sitting in the car playing with his new toy.

"What's your number? I want yours to be the first one I put in it."

Logan rattled it off with a grin, then dug out the number for Haven House and Amanda, adding them both to his own phone as well. "Here, put in Faith's, too. In case you want to make an appointment with her. This is her office number."

"Cool. Anything else I need? Maybe your mom's, so she can tell me embarrassing but adorable stories about when you were a kid."

"Shut up," Logan laughed, reaching over to smack Joseph's arm. "I'll make sure you never talk to Mom now."

A stop at a drugstore resulted in staples for Joseph's hygiene-more toiletries that he could easily move from his room to the bathroom in a carrying case as well as some snack items that he would hide in his room; Logan couldn't see Trevor having an issue with that as long as Joseph didn't eat them around the others. And didn't he say most of the guys provided for themselves anyway?

"Just don't brag about it or anything, that you have cookies if nobody else does. And none of those orgasm sounds while you eat, we can't have everyone wanting to rape you."

"Just you, right?" Joseph joked with a smirk.

"We're not talking about me."

"Dude, suffer together, remember? I'm in the same boat, wanting to take you down every time you smile at me."

"Which is why it's a good thing we won't usually be spending this much time together. Today's been hell."

"But it's been good, right? You're having fun?"

"I am," Logan smiled. "It's been great. Anything else you need? I'll get you a case of water you can keep in your room."

"You've done enough, trust me. Except..."

Logan could see there was something Joseph really wanted but was hesitant to ask. "Grab it. I'll meet you up at the registers with the water."

When Joseph joined him it was with a sketch pad laying over the other items they'd thrown in the basket.

"Oh, I was going to suggest that. You should get yourself some pencils, too."

Lifting up the pad, Joseph showed him a package of colored pencils. "This okay?"

"It's fine," Logan nodded. "I encourage your artwork. Drawn anything else since the beach?"

"Not yet. I've had a few ideas, though. Things that a pen wouldn't do justice to."

"Good. Whatever comes to mind, draw it." Joseph grinned at him as he moved up to the counter and set the bottled water in front of the cashier. "Give me your basket. I don't even want to know what you're thinking."

All that remained was the police station, which Joseph had obviously been dreading because when Logan brought it up in the car, he bit his lip and looked away.

"Joseph. We have to do this. It might be the link you need to your past."

"It's kind of late."

"They don't close police stations."

Joseph sighed, banging his head back into the seat. "I know, it's just...what if I _am_a criminal? What if I walk through the door and they're waiting to slap cuffs on me?"

"I think if that was the case we'd know by now. They would've come after you."

"How would they find me? I'm out with you."

"There's a trail. They'd go through Amanda and then Trevor, who would tell them you're with me. It wouldn't be hard to track down my car."

"Still. Can we at least have dinner first? In case it's my last meal or something?"

"You are so dramatic." Logan turned the car on, noting that Joseph jerked slightly but otherwise remained calm. He was getting better about it. "What do you want?"

"I don't care. Just as long as you're there."

"It's going to be fine," Logan said while reaching over to take Joseph's hand in his.

"Promise?"

He couldn't really, and when he hesitated Joseph nodded. "Exactly. You don't know. So just take me out for dinner and let me forget for an hour or so?"

"I think forgetting is what got you into this mess in the first place. But...okay. Think you like pizza? Or at least Italian? There's a place I know that makes really good lasagna."

"I think I could go for that. Is it far?"

"Not too far, we do have to have you back by nine."

"Unless I get arrested first. I hope you kept all those receipts so you can return the stuff you bought me."

As they stopped for a red light, Logan turned to Joseph. "You sound pretty damn convinced you've done something wrong. Have you remembered something?"

"No. Nothing."

"You sure? Because you seem to be resigned to going to jail."

"I swear, Logan, I didn't remember anything!"

"You'd tell me if you did, right?"

"Yes! Why would I lie?"

"Because you're scared." The light changed and Logan pulled forward, Joseph silent next to him for a few blocks, but finally he spoke again.

"You're right. I am scared. I'm scared to lose you, because you're so amazing and I feel like I must be crazy to think you could care about me but you seem to, and I don't want to disappoint you. But I didn't remember anything."

Logan couldn't discount the sincerity in Joseph's voice. "Okay," he said softly. "Promise you'll tell me if you do."

"Swear."

"Okay. I believe you."

Though Logan had always imagined bringing a date to Pietro's, when he'd suggested it he hadn't been thinking of Joseph as a date. Walking hand-in-hand into the restaurant felt right anyway and brought to mind the daydreams he'd indulged in over solo dinners in the past.

It was a perfect representation of the stereotypical little Italian restaurant, complete with red-and-white checkered tablecloths and thick candles burning out of bottles. The place had walls painted to resemble the streets of Italy and even accents of green foliage spread around the dining room. Italian love songs were playing and as they were shown to a table by a man whose accent may or may not have been real, Joseph smiled almost shyly at Logan.

_I want to kiss you. I bet kissing you would be so amazing I would never stop. Just keep staring at me like that and I think I could sit here for the rest of my life._

Joseph sensed his thoughts, or at least the direction of them, as his hand slid across the table to join with Logan's. "Do you bring all your dates here or am I the only lucky one?"

"It's not a date," Logan argued, but without any heat. "We don't date."

"Can we just pretend? For an hour, can we pretend that what we're feeling is going somewhere and when dinner's over I'm going to take you home and make love to you all night?"

Logan's breath stopped, his eyes falling closed for a moment. _Oh god, don't do this to me. Don't do this._"No. We can't. I'm sorry," Logan said gently, voice cracking because he wanted that so badly. "I can't allow myself to think like that. And you shouldn't either."

He sat back when a waiter approached with menus and a bottle of wine, setting them both down and stating he'd return in a few minutes. Logan opened the wine, reaching across the table for the glass nearest Joseph. "I don't think Trevor would have a problem with a glass or two, but no more than that."

After Logan had filled the glass and set it before Joseph, he picked up his own but noticed Joseph was simply staring at his glass as if concentrating. "Are you remembering something?"

Joseph shook his head slowly, eyes still on the glass. "I don't drink. I just discovered that."

"At all?"

"No. Not at all. The thought of it terrifies me. Even the smell of it's making me feel kind of sick."

"Wow. Okay." Logan immediately moved the filled glass to his side of the table. "Write that down. I think that's a big one."

"My notebook's in the car."

"Joseph, I told you to take that everywhere!"

"You're sitting right here with me, I didn't think I'd need it."

"Always, Joseph, always. If you want I can get you a smaller one that'll fit in your pocket."

"Whatever. Just...can we order or something?"

"Sure." Logan opened a menu and perused it even though he knew what he was going to order. It kept his eyes off the sadness in Joseph's, and he didn't know if it had been his refusal to take part in Joseph's fantasy or the discovery of his sobriety that had caused it. He only knew that he wanted to see Joseph smile again. "Come here."

"Where?"

"Here." Logan scooted over and patted the leather booth at his side. "Come help me decide what I want."

Face immediately brightening, Joseph wasted no time but slid in next to Logan, snuggling up against him and laying his head on Logan's shoulder. "This isn't exactly feeling like a non-date."

"Don't make me change my mind. Just enjoy it."

"Oh, I am. Trust me."

"What do you want for dinner?"

"You said the lasagna was really good."

"I did. So...that?"

"I'm kind of in the mood for pizza, too. I bet this place makes fantastic pizza."

"It _is_really good. So you want pizza?"

"But I want lasagna, too. Why can't I make up my mind?"

"Because you're indecisive." Logan pressed a kiss to Joseph's forehead. "Share?"

"Can we?"

"Of course."

Joseph's head did not move away from Logan's shoulder as they ordered, Logan asking the waiter to take the wine back (after assuring that he'd pay for it) and requesting sodas for both of them.

"You can have wine, Logan, it won't bother me."

"But the smell might. It's fine, we'll do this instead. We're also sharing dessert, because I want it but I can never finish the whole thing."

"No problem there."

Joseph grinned up at him and there it was again, the pull to lean down and place a soft kiss on those pink lips that were so close to his own. Joseph's eyes begged him, but Logan gave in only to a kiss on the cheek.

"Someday I'm going to kiss you," Joseph pledged. "When it all comes back and you see that it's only you I want."

"Don't make promises you can't keep."

"Someday," Joseph repeated.

Rather than argue, Logan laid his cheek against Joseph's hair and focused on enjoying their "non-date."

Joseph sighed. "So can we talk about you? Since I don't have much to say about me?"

"Me? What do you want to know?"

"You know...just about you. You're from Minnesota?"

"Yeah." Logan scooted away long enough to lift his arm and settle it over Joseph's shoulders, and then Joseph cuddled in closer before returning his head to the crook of Logan's neck. "I'm nothing special. Went to school, graduated, followed the process to become a doctor."

"Did you always want to be a doctor?"

"I think so, yeah. I've been fascinated with medical procedures from the time I was a kid, and I like helping people. We had this one patient, Stacy. Every patient is special to me, not just a diagnosis but an actual person with a life story, but Stacy was really special. Kid with cancer."

"Oh my god, did she die?"

"No, it went into remission. That means it basically disappeared, but has a chance of coming back. It had progressed so fast we didn't know how to stop it, but somehow...we did."

"Was she one of those like me? You went to see her when she wasn't really your patient anymore?"

"Yep. Faith became her doctor but the entire hospital kind of looked after her. We have plenty of patients who are children, but for some reason she captured all our hearts. Tommy and Faith like you, by the way."

"Really? I wasn't too sure about Dr. Peterson."

"She's just worried about me getting attached to you. She knows what I know, that you have a life somewhere and probably a family. She doesn't want me to fall in love with you and end up with a broken heart." Logan kept the rest of her fears to himself, knowing they were also Joseph's fears.

Joseph's head lifted slowly as he studied Logan, whose gaze was on the tablecloth. "Is that...a possibility? Is there really a chance that might happen?"

Logan turned to look into Joseph's eyes, suddenly wishing things were different. Why couldn't Joseph have been a simple fractured wrist or case of food poisoning, something that would pass and not bring with it all these complications? "I'm trying to avoid that."

"How's that working out for you?" Joseph asked softly.

"We just met. Even if we knew your past, it's a little soon to be talking about love, don't you think?"

Joseph shrugged, eyes downcast as the waiter approached. He set down their drinks and a basket of bread, stating their entrees would be out in a bit. Logan moved away some to butter bread for Joseph, remembering that he liked extra. "You know, you really should watch what you eat. Not that you're in any danger of obesity at the moment, but it's a good idea to think about it."

"I'm sure whatever Trevor serves me won't be a danger," Joseph said wryly. "Might break a rule to have too much sugar or something."

"Joseph, I meant what I said. You don't have anywhere else to go. You need to make sure you follow his rules."

"I know. Thanks." Joseph bit into the bread Logan handed him, leaning back to allow Logan to spread a cloth napkin over his lap. "You really do love taking care of people."

"Maybe."

"Or maybe you're falling in love with me."

"Maybe you should just eat your bread." Logan arranged his own napkin and focused on fixing up bread for himself and when Joseph laughed, Logan asked what was so funny.

"Whenever I say something you don't want to deal with, you tell me to eat. It's cute."

"Just eat your-" Logan cut himself off, and then they were both laughing.

"What's your work schedule like?" Joseph asked. "Is it always days?"

"Usually. I got lucky with that, one of the doctors retired just as I was coming in so there was a slot. Most of the newbies get stuck with nights. I was in the right place at the right time."

"Yeah, you were," Joseph said meaningfully, and Logan smiled. "I think you should have dinner with me every night. Since you said you'd come see every day anyway."

"You might be working, though it will be very difficult for you to find a place that'll hire someone with no social security number or even a birth certificate."

"Amanda said she knew some places. But if I'm not, can we have dinner together?"

"We'll see. I think your life is going to change now. You'll meet new people, make new friends...hopefully the psychiatric sessions will help, too."

"I told you, remembering things isn't going to change the way I feel about you. I'll still want you in my life." When Logan didn't respond, Joseph sighed. "I guess I'll just have to prove it to you. And weren't we talking about you? Tell me more about Minnesota."

"I did, there's not much to tell."

"No brothers or sisters? Just you and your mom?"

"Just us," Logan nodded. "My mom's great, I don't like living so far away from her."

"Why'd you move out here? Some guy you fell in love with?"

"No, nothing like that," Logan chuckled. "I don't know why, I've always wanted to move here. Maybe I've seen too many movies. Los Angeles just seems like the place to be. I went to school here, so I stayed."

"And where do you live?"

"Not too far from the hospital."

"Do you have a lot of friends hidden away somewhere? Back home or here?"

"Not really, no. Faith and Tommy are probably the ones I'm closest to, besides my mom. That's sad, isn't it? That I'm closest to co-workers and I only see them at work. Really I'm not very close to anyone."

"Except me. Sounds like you were waiting for me to come along and rescue you from a life of loneliness."

"Think so, do you?" Logan smirked. "So full of yourself."

The food arrived and Joseph proceeded to make those noises again, the ones that had Logan thinking of other things that would bring them forth. "Can you maybe not be so enthusiastic?"

"But it's so good! Try this pizza, dude."

Logan started to divide his lasagna into halves when a fork appeared to scoop up a bite. "Okay, I guess you can just eat off my plate."

"This stuff is amazing. I want to go to all your favorite places, try everything."

"I wonder what you were eating before you lost your memory. It doesn't look like you were going hungry or anything. You're skinny but not in an unhealthy way, and you obviously take care of yourself. I'd like to get you in my kitchen and see what you can do, see if you have any skills there."

"Nothing like this, that's for sure. Do you cook?"

"I love to cook. Haven't done much of it since meeting you, but it's how I unwind."

"That works well, because I love to eat. You should take me home and cook me dinner every night, we could watch T.V. until I have to be home."

"We wouldn't really have time for all that, Joseph."

"Sure we would. Make something quick and easy. And once a week I can spend the day with you, do my laundry and hang out. Save you from the despair of loneliness.

"Make sure we write down your flair for drama."

"That's not a 'no' and you didn't tell me to eat. I'll take that as a yes."

"Also your persistence. That's worth noting."

"Already did. I go after what I want, remember?"

"How could I possibly forget?" Logan commented. "Eat some more lasagna."

When Joseph grinned, Logan sighed inwardly. "_You are so far gone." _Faith had been right. The more time Logan spent with Joseph, the worse it got, but he wasn't going to worry about it just yet. He was still in control of his heart.


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the characters taken from Big Time Rush and placed into this story. I make no money off this.

**Author's Notes:**

Okay, for two reasons, I don't know how often I'll be updating this story. One, my laptop is on its way to certain death. It keeps giving me problems and I'm afraid it's going to die completely and if that happens, no idea when I'd be able to update. I'll find a way, but it won't be as often as I usually do. And second, **Aranelle** is coming to visit me and for those five days I don't plan to write at all, so probably nothing for a good week. But hey, we're going to have a fun BTR-filled vacation together and I can't wait. :)

This story is very slow-moving, at least in the beginning, and I hope it's not too boring for that. I have to establish a bunch of stuff, though, so...yeah. Thanks for reading anyway!

And thank you so much for the reviews. I know this one is frustrating, especially when it comes to the lack of giving in to their...desires, I guess you'd call it, but Logan is nothing if not cautious (or as cautious as he can be when faced with a James Diamond who has set his sights on Logan).

Another Jagan, yay! Or at least I'm excited, because we know I love Jagan. About a year ago I wrote a story for **kathrynew30**, it was a gift for our one-year friendiversary. The James Diamond in this story is taken directly from that one, though he suffered no amnesia in it. So for that reason, I dedicate this to Kathryn.

I also must dedicate it to **joyousbrokenthing**, who is entirely to blame for this being written at all. She tweeted me one night about a vision of Logan as a scientist building a robot James. This story is of course not that at all, but it got me thinking about a situation where Logan basically helps put James back together and within fifteen minutes I had this story pretty much written in my head. I wasn't planning to write a Jagan next, but it wouldn't leave me alone so here we are. Thanks a lot, Tammy. XD

**Aranelle** and **jdmazz** are helping to shape the direction of this story so much. I knew from the start where it was going, but they're helping me figure out how to get there and their feedback and advice has been invaluable. Seriously could not ask for better betas. I love you both so much.

* * *

The police station wasn't intimidating to look at, but the answers it might hold were enough to get Joseph's pace slowing as they approached. Their momentum eventually stopped, Joseph's hand a talon gripping at his. "I'm right here," Logan soothed.

"Don't let them take me."

"They're not going to, relax." Logan got them moving toward the police station again. "You have to do this."

"I know, I just...whatever happens, thank you. For everything, for being so amazing and putting up with me and loving me."

"I never said-"

"I'm gonna be sick."

Wrenching his hand away, Joseph bolted to a trash can outside the doors and bent over it, heaving.

Logan was there in an instant, a hand at his back. "Are you okay?"

He managed to keep from throwing up, shaky but standing to his full height.

"Joseph, it's going to be okay." Logan pulled him in tight, the hands now rubbing circles over his back. "If you go in like this, they'll think you have something to hide. You're acting guilty."

"Who knows what I have to hide?"

"Come on," Logan coaxed. "Do this for me. I'll take you out for dinner after your appointment tomorrow."

"Always bribing me with food," Joseph joked, and Logan was glad to hear the amusement.

"Whatever works. Come on." He kissed Joseph lightly on the cheek, then stepped back to place a hand at his elbow. "Let's do this so you can stop being so scared."

There were a few people scattered in chairs lining the wall around the main desk, and when Joseph tried to hold back Logan pulled him along. "Speak," he hissed.

And just like that, Joseph found his strength. It was almost like watching an actor snap into character when "action" was yelled. He stretched to his full height, shoulders coming up and face a mask that hid the intensity of his terror. "Hello, I need to speak to someone about identifying me. An officer visited me at the hospital this morning and told me to come in."

"Let's see," the man behind the desk began. "I'm assuming we're looking for John Doe?"

"I've been going by Joseph David."

"David." His fingers moved over a keyboard, eyes narrowing on the screen. "Amnesia patient from St. James'?"

Joseph blinked, standing frozen for a second. "Yes," Logan supplied.

"Have a seat, we'll call you in soon."

The wait wasn't long, Joseph not dropping the confident demeanor and Logan hesitant to call attention to it just yet. _Let him get past this first_. "You okay?" Logan asked quietly.

"Yeah, just had a weird moment. Felt that...what did you call it? Disorientation?"

"Yes. Better now?"

"Yeah. Thanks."

"Okay, good. Don't go anywhere, stay with me. It's good that they didn't immediately arrest you, right?"

Joseph nodded, but otherwise was silent as his hand reached out for Logan's again.

A man in a button-up shirt and slacks came out of an office, somewhere in his mid-thirties Logan would guess. He had a head of hair to rival Joseph's, though almost black. "Joseph?"

"Here." Logan stood, pulling Joseph with him, and gave a light shove.

"Hello, I'm Detective Monroe. You're Joseph?"

"For now," Joseph joked, shaking hands. "Hopefully you can help me figure out who I really am."

"That's what we're gonna try to do." The man walked toward the office, Logan trailing behind Joseph into a large room littered with cluttered desks but only a few of them occupied. Monroe led them to one in the back and gestured to two plastic chairs in front of it. "And you are?"

"Dr. Logan Mitchell. I was the E.R. doctor on staff when Joseph came in."

"Oh." Monroe obviously wondered why Logan was accompanying him now but didn't ask just yet. "That'll be helpful." Opening a file folder on his desk, Monroe offered, "Joseph, I can tell you that the fingerprints turned up nothing. I'm sorry."

Logan felt Joseph deflate next to him, but outwardly he showed no sign of a reaction. "That's good, I guess?"

"Good in the sense you've never been arrested. It doesn't help us identify you, though."

"Right. What about my hair?"

"The DNA test takes a little longer. We'll probably hear something tomorrow. If there was a crime committed and we have your DNA on file, it'll show up."

"And if not?" Logan asked.

"We can try dental records, but that's a long shot. It's extremely difficult to match those without any idea where he grew up. You've remembered nothing, Joseph?"

Joseph shook his head. "Nothing."

Logan spoke up again. "I don't know how much of a help it will be, but he's noted signs of a suicide attempt and possible drug use in the past. We also think he might've lived on the streets at one point. And there may be a car crash involved, he's extremely uncomfortable in automobiles. Shows slight signs of trauma regarding that."

Joseph turned wide eyes to Logan, as if betrayed. "Anything is helpful," he reminded Joseph.

Monroe added the new information to the existing notes. "Anything else? No matter how insignificant it seems to you, it might be the thing that breaks the case."

"He started a notebook of things he's discovered about himself." Logan pulled it out from his jacket and Joseph's eyes showed panic but Logan opened it on his lap rather than pass it over. "We think he might be from a colder climate, he handles cold well." Looking down at the list, Logan smirked at the top line. "And we know he's gay. Possibly bi, but definitely gay."

"He may not have been in his former life," the detective commented. "I talked to some of my colleagues, amnesia cases like this are rare. One of our guys has dealt with it before and he said the woman turned out to be the total opposite of her 'new' personality."

"Did she get her memory back?" Joseph wanted to know.

"I don't think so. Her family identified her and had pictures to prove she was who they claimed her to be, but it sounded like she didn't remember anything herself."

Logan let out a breath, unable to help the sense of despair that was settling over him at the idea that Joseph might never get his memory back. "And Joseph's been run through missing persons?"

"We're still working on that, but so far nothing. If you did indeed come from the streets, there probably won't be anything on that score."

"He was at Reeves Park when this hit," Logan offered. "Or at least when he became aware of himself. He didn't look like he'd been living on the streets when he came in." Glancing over at Joseph, Logan added, "He was well-groomed and didn't seem to be suffering any malnourishment. No-well, I'm not allowed to discuss it. Joseph, if you're comfortable with it you can divulge the results of your tests."

"I'm clean," Joseph offered. "They did a bunch of tests on my brain and to see if I have anything else. No diseases, not even sexual."

"Was there a concern for that?" Monroe asked.

"Joseph...is very free when it comes to things of a sexual nature."

Raising an eyebrow, Monroe said, "It shows here that you're acting as his next of kin."

"I am," Logan agreed. "He has no one."

"We need your contact information."

Logan gave it, then gave Joseph's new phone number. "And you know he's staying at Haven House?"

"Yes, one of the officers spoke to his case worker. She says he'll be working with a psychiatrist, so anything that comes from those sessions should be passed on to us. We can't force that, Joseph, as you're protected by doctor-patient confidentiality. But anything you share will be helpful in solving your mystery. What else you got on that list?"

Logan read it off, Joseph's cheeks reddening as he was discussed so openly even though Logan kept the blowjob comment to himself.

Adding all of the new information, Monroe said, "Again, I don't know how accurate these traits will be in identifying you because your former life might be very different, but check in with us each day. Tell us anything new you discover and we'll see what we can do with missing persons and DNA. We can also use the media to appeal for help."

"Like...T.V.?" Joseph asked.

"Yes, the local news channels can run your story. That's probably the best option at this point, because your looks are not easily forgettable. You'd be someone recognizable to those who have seen you."

Logan wasn't sure he liked that Monroe was commenting on Joseph's beauty, but Joseph was too caught up in the idea of being on television to note it. Logan tilted his head, studying Joseph. "You want to be on T.V.?"

"It sounds exciting, doesn't it?" Joseph beamed. "Imagine. I'd be seen by millions of people."

"For the purpose of identifying you, yes. Not as a celebrity."

"Still. I think that would be awesome."

"I wonder if you've got a history of acting," Logan mused. "You're dramatic and you step into a...character, I guess you'd call it...easily. And you're way too excited about being on television." Another thought occurred to Logan. "And you love watching it. The reality shows, maybe that's why you love them. Because it's a celebrity thing."

"No, I just think they're fun to watch. So, Detective Monroe, how do I get on T.V.?"

Monroe made a quick note to the file and said, "Let us know when you want to do it. The stations are good about working with us, especially since stories like this will bring in the sympathetic viewers. Word of mouth and all that. Oh, and I'd like to get a picture for your file."

"A picture? Of me?"

"Yes, just to have one in case we need to show someone for identification purposes. There might be people who think they know you and then look at the picture and realize they're wrong."

"Or right," Logan nodded.

"Exactly." The detective reached into a desk drawer at his right and came out with a digital camera. "Not going to send you down to booking for this, a quick snapshot will do."

Logan moved away from Joseph, who smiled the second the camera was pointed at him, and once the picture was taken Logan took his seat again.

"So let us know," Monroe continued, dropping the camera's memory card on top of the file. "We can probably have your story run early next week. They'll want to come interview you and get some video."

"Trevor's not going to like that," Joseph smirked.

"He might not mind it," Logan contributed. "He seems like he'd be willing to help you get your life back."

"If you mean Trevor Donovan," Monroe interrupted, "he's a good guy. But he's very particular about his home, so you might want to do the interview elsewhere."

"What about your house, Logan?"

"It's an apartment. Small. But...whatever it takes, I guess."

"Okay, awesome! We can do T.V. next week!" Joseph was beaming again, eyes dancing in excitement.

"Anything else you need from us, Detective?" Logan was feeling a bit of anxiety suddenly.

"I think that'll do it for now. Just keep in touch and if he remembers anything, let us know. Actually, here." Monroe opened another desk drawer and passed a business card to Joseph, then after a second he pulled one out for Logan as well. "This goes to my direct phone. I'll be handling your case, so call me."

"He will. Thank you." Standing, Logan tugged on Joseph's arm.

"Thank you," Joseph smiled, and even though Logan hadn't gotten any gay vibes from Monroe, he sensed that the man was a little starstruck by it anyway. Joseph had that quality about him, one that took your breath away for a moment; Logan doubted anyone was immune once Joseph turned on the charm.

And that would be helpful in identifying him, because as Monroe had stated, he was unforgettable. Displaying Joseph's face on television would change things, bring in people who probably didn't know Joseph but would want to in addition to anyone who might actually know him. The anxiety tightened his chest again, and Logan turned to lead Joseph out of the station, suddenly needing to be alone with him.

"So I'm not a criminal!" Joseph shifted in the passenger seat once they were settled, grinning at Logan.

"If you are, you haven't been caught yet. But I'm willing to bet you aren't. You definitely have an evil side, but I don't think it's anything malicious. You seem like a genuinely good person."

"God, that is such a relief! I was so scared!"

When Joseph slumped back against the seat, Logan chuckled. "I told you, nothing to worry about. I want you to think about this television thing before you do it. I think he's right, it's probably the best way to get you identified, but there will be a lot of craziness that comes with it, too."

"It's a good kind of craziness, though, right?"

"Depends on your definition of 'good.' If it's attention you want, you'll get it."

"I just want to know who I am, Logan."

Logan's heart melted a little. "I know." He reached out for Joseph's hand, loving that it was already reaching for his. He'd kept Joseph to himself for a few days, and now it was time to share him with the world.

But he still had forty-five minutes, and he wasn't going to waste them. "Want to get ice cream?"

"Seriously? After that huge dinner and dessert, you want ice cream?"

_I just don't want to take you home yet._ "We don't have to."

"That sounds great! Let me guess—you know this little place that makes amazing ice cream."

"I do," Logan smiled. "We don't have a lot of time, but enough that we can get a few scoops if we eat fast. I take it you like ice cream."

"Pretty sure I do, yeah. How come I can remember things like that, but not everything else? And why is it I know I like some foods but have to try others to be sure?"

"The mind is a funny thing, Joseph. It only gives you what it wants to in your case. I think the closer you get to remembering, the more it's going to shut down if it's not ready to reveal everything."

Joseph snorted. "It can't shut down any more than it already has. It's a worthless piece of crap right now."

"I like what I know of it." Logan squeezed Joseph's hand, Joseph biting his lip as he glanced over at Logan.

"Today has been wonderful. A long day, there's so much going on, but...I got to spend the whole thing with you. Thank you."

"Not like I had anything better to do," Logan shrugged, uncomfortable with the praise.

"I'm choosing not to take that personally. Instead I'm going to assume you're falling for me and did it because you wanted to."

"I did want to, I'll admit that." They were getting too close to topics Logan didn't want to discuss, so he said, "I notice you're not so scared in the car anymore. Think I could get you to drive again?"

"No. Please. Especially not in the dark."

"Why not the dark?"

"Just...no."

"Okay." They rode in silence for a few miles before Logan said, "I had a thought."

"About?"

"The drinking. And the fear of needles. That is a common fear, but in your case it's something you've been through before, often enough that there's proof of it. I'm wondering if you're a recovering addict."

Joseph blinked, eyes darting around as he considered that. "Drugs and alcohol, you mean?"

"It's possible, right? You won't touch a glass of wine, hate being anywhere near a needle, and don't even like being medicated. It's almost...too much. Like you're taking it to an extreme. And you wouldn't, I don't think, if you hadn't had a problem in the past."

"But wouldn't a situation like this drive me back toward the bad stuff? Make me want it to forget the pain?"

Quietly, Logan replied, "I think your brain found another way to forget the pain."

They let that digest, and they returned to silence as they both wondered about Joseph's past.

* * *

They made it home just in time, Logan pulling up to the curb in front of Haven House at 8:55. It seemed strange to leave Joseph somewhere that wasn't a hospital or a place Logan could make sure he was watched over. Again he experienced that sense of things changing, of this being a turning point in Joseph's life, and knew whatever it was between them would be invaded by the outside world. Joseph would meet new people, make new bonds. Logan refrained from clutching him close and said, "Don't forget all your new stuff."

"Yeah. Thanks. I..."

"What?"

"I feel like I should be kissing you goodnight or something. Doesn't that feel right?"

It did, Logan couldn't argue that. It was almost like dropping Joseph off after a date. "You know it's not gonna happen, Joseph. Get in there before you're late. And make sure Trevor gets your new number, and mine, too."

"I've got a few minutes. Please let me kiss you. Just once."

Logan shook his head adamantly. "If I cross that line, I won't stop. I already know that. It wouldn't be just once. I'm sorry."

Joseph sighed, seeing that Logan wasn't going to be swayed on this. "I guess the fact that you want to has to be enough."

"Can you not...you know. Keep bringing it up? Because I _do_ want to, and it's getting harder to say no. But I can't allow myself to, not until we know there's no one else in your life. Okay? I have to protect myself here. Try to understand."

"Yeah, I guess. Someday, though." Joseph smiled. "Someday." He leaned in to kiss Logan on the cheek, even that simple press of lips enough to get Logan's heart racing. "Goodnight, Logan. Call me tomorrow sometime? If you get a chance?"

"Of course. Don't forget, I'm picking you up for your appointment."

"Right." Joseph jumped out, reaching back in to pick up his shopping bags. "Today was really great," he said again.

"Yeah, it was. Find out how early I can call you in the morning and let me know, okay?"

"Okay."

Neither wanted to say goodbye, and finally Logan unbuckled his seatbelt and went around the car to hug Joseph tight. Joseph set the bags on the grass and hugged him just as hard, that sense of this being the last time he would be the center of Joseph's world overwhelming. "You need to get in there. Even one minute might be too late."

"I'm going."

But he didn't. He kissed Logan's hair and then his temple, Logan reveling in the strength around him.

"Go," Logan whispered.

A car door slamming broke the embrace, Joseph stepping away after grabbing the bags. "Night, Logan!"

"Goodnight. Take care of yourself."

Logan waited until Joseph had been let into the house. He turned back once to smile at Logan, and then the door closed. He knew Joseph was probably terrified at the moment, but he also knew Joseph would survive.

_Without you. He's going to be fine. Go home and bake some cookies before you embarrass yourself and start tearing up right here in the street._

Logan was halfway home when a text came in. He pulled his phone out of his pocket while stopped at a red light, smiling when he read the message. _"A minute late. Trevor said not again. I miss you."_

Fingers flying over the keys, Logan sent a text back just before the light changed.

"_I miss you, too."_

* * *

He'd just dragged out all the ingredients he needed for chocolate chip cookies when his phone rang. Grinning because he knew who it would be without even glancing at the display, Logan answered with, "Hey, stranger."

"Hey, cutie. What you doing?"

"About to bake some cookies. Want me to bring you some tomorrow?"

"Like I'm gonna say no?"

They laughed, Logan asking, "How'd it go with Trevor?"

"Fine, I gave him all our information. He was kind of pissy about me being a minute late, but I think it's just because it's my first day and he wants me to know he's not playing around. One of the other guys was ten minutes late and Trevor didn't say shit to him."

"So you have to earn the right to be a little lax with the rules. Where are you now?"

"In my room. I haven't put any of the stuff away, wanted to call you before it's too late."

Logan looked at the clock on his microwave. "What do we have, about twenty minutes?"

"About that, yeah."

"Are you alone in your room?"

"For now. Patrick should be up soon, I think."

"What's he like?"

"Nice guy. A few years older than me, at least I think. It would help to know how old I am."

"I know. So did you meet any of the other guys?"

"Yeah, most of them. They were all watching T.V. so Trevor took me in to introduce them. I expected a bunch of freaks, but they're all cool. Or they seem to be right now. Like he said, you'd never know they had problems. Patrick was really nice, smiled a lot."

_I'll just bet. I'd be smiling too if I got to share a room with you._ "Think he's gay?"

"No idea. I don't know if any of them are."

"Just remember, it's against the rules to-"

"I know, Logan. Quit being jealous, you've got nothing to worry about."

Logan's heart crashed around as he leaned back against the counter. "I'm not jealous."

"You are, too. It's cute. But I promise, you're the only one I want to kiss."

Stomach a tight ball, Logan said, "I thought we agreed you weren't going to bring that up anymore."

"You started it by being jealous."

"I'm not—why do I even bother?" Logan positioned the phone between his ear and shoulder, turning to measure out flour. "What time is your phone curfew lifted in the morning?"

"Six. But I'm not waking up that early to call you. No offense."

"None taken," Logan laughed. "I start work at nine tomorrow. If you're lucky you might wake up to a text."

"That would be nice. Gonna tell me you miss me again?"

"Not if you brag about it. I'll call you on my lunch hour. Be ready to go by 3:15, traffic might be bad."

"Okay. You know what we forgot to buy today?"

"Hmm?"

"Pajamas. I'm gonna have to sleep naked now."

Logan almost dropped the egg he was holding. "Over my dead body."

"Ha! You are jealous!" Joseph crowed, beyond delighted.

"I'm sure Trevor would not approve of that."

"Oh, just admit it already. Honesty, remember? If you're jealous, admit it."

"There's nothing to be jealous about. Even if you did fall for someone else, you don't belong to me. Though I would highly suggest not doing that, in case you do have a wife or boyfriend or whatever."

"Logan, come on," Joseph sighed. "Will you just say it? Tell me you want me to be yours and nobody else's. Please."

Logan closed his eyes, hating Joseph for pushing this.

"We agreed. Honesty."

"And we also agreed you're not going to push this anymore."

"I just need to hear it. Just once."

Finally Logan let out a long sigh. "I want you to be mine and nobody else's."

"Thank you! Was that so hard?"

"I want to kiss you. I want to sit on your lap and kiss you until you're so crazy you can't even speak, until you're tearing at my clothes to get them off."

"Oh. Fuck. Logan."

"I want you to take me to bed and make love to me all night. I want you to hold me and promise me there's no one else, that I'm everything you've ever wanted and you'll never leave my side. And then when I wake up in the morning, I want you to do it all again."

Dead silence on the line.

"But that can't happen, so it's not worth talking about. Or even thinking about. So I said it once and I'm not saying it again. Do you understand?"

There was breathing and nothing else.

"Joseph. Do you understand?"

"Yes," he whispered. "I understand."

"Good. I'm going to finish making your cookies now and let you get some sleep. I'll call you tomorrow."

"Okay." It was a soft utterance, as if Joseph was breathless.

"Goodnight." Logan disconnected the call, laying the phone on the counter before leaning on it and banging his head lightly against a cupboard. All he wanted was to go steal Joseph from the home and bring him here forever, to make those things happen. Instead he forced himself to remember what was most important in the situation.

_He's running for a reason._

At 9:59 a text came in. He figured it was Joseph saying goodnight one last time, but what he saw instead made him sit down at the table and stare at the phone in agony over things he wanted but wouldn't allow himself to have.

"_Someday."_


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the characters taken from Big Time Rush and placed into this story. I make no money off this.

**Author's Notes:**

A short chapter here, but I wanted to get something posted now because I won't be posting for about a week, probably. We'll see. Guys, we're going to the Paramount lot on Friday for the tour, I'm so excited! Probably won't get to see the boys but if they're filming, there's a small chance. Cross your fingers for me! And anyone going to the show in Chicago, have a blast!

This story is very slow-moving, at least in the beginning, and I hope it's not too boring for that. I have to establish a bunch of stuff, though, so...yeah. Thanks for reading anyway, and we're getting closer to when things start to spin out of control.

And thank you so much for the reviews. I know this one is frustrating, especially when it comes to the lack of giving in to their...desires, I guess you'd call it, but Logan is nothing if not cautious (or as cautious as he can be when faced with a James Diamond who has set his sights on Logan).

Another Jagan, yay! Or at least I'm excited, because we know I love Jagan. About a year ago I wrote a story for **kathrynew30**, it was a gift for our one-year friendiversary. The James Diamond in this story is taken directly from that one, though he suffered no amnesia in it. So for that reason, I dedicate this to Kathryn.

I also must dedicate it to **joyousbrokenthing**, who is entirely to blame for this being written at all. She tweeted me one night about a vision of Logan as a scientist building a robot James. This story is of course not that at all, but it got me thinking about a situation where Logan basically helps put James back together and within fifteen minutes I had this story pretty much written in my head. I wasn't planning to write a Jagan next, but it wouldn't leave me alone so here we are. Thanks a lot, Tammy. XD

**Aranelle** and **jdmazz** are helping to shape the direction of this story so much. I knew from the start where it was going, but they're helping me figure out how to get there and their feedback and advice has been invaluable. Seriously could not ask for better betas. I love you both so much.

* * *

Figuring Joseph was the type to sleep in, Logan left him the promised text rather than calling. _"Good morning! Remember to keep going on your list and draw whatever comes to mind. I'll see you around three."_

He slid his phone into his pocket, following it with keys and wallet but on a whim pulled his phone out again. He was about to text that he missed Joseph, deciding he could admit at least that much, when his phone buzzed in his hand.

_"Can't wait. Miss you."_

So Joseph _was_ awake. And apparently thinking the same thing. It was a little eerie, but made Logan smile nonetheless. _"Miss you, too."_he texted in reply, forcing himself to return the phone to his pocket rather than call.

His first stop at the hospital was Faith's office. "Hey," he greeted, leaning his head in.

Faith looked up from the stack of files before her, eyes widening. "Hey! How is he?"

"Good, I assume. I wouldn't know for sure, since he's not at my apartment," Logan replied with a smug smile.

"Oh, thank god. Come sit with me for a few minutes. Tell me how it went." Faith stood up and reached for a chair at the next desk over, dragging it closer for Logan.

He dropped into it and smiled. "It went fine. He's at a place called Haven House and I think he'll do well there, as long as he behaves."

"Behaves how?"

"He doesn't like rules, apparently."

"Why doesn't that surprise me?" Faith chuckled. "He's got a spunky side. Are the rules strict?"

"Not too bad; I think if he breaks any of them it'll be the one about not using his phone after ten. He texted me at 9:59 last night."

Faith's right eyebrow cocked. "Where'd he get a phone, Logan?"

"He needed a phone, Faith. I want him to have one. I also bought him more clothes and some supplies for the house. Go ahead and yell at me."

"'If I was attached I'd be spending all my money on him,'" she mimicked. "At least you didn't take him home. How was the nacho date?"

"Fun. Almost as good as the dinner date that wasn't a date but might as well have been."

"You are falling so hard."

"I'm _attached_," Logan corrected. "I care. I want to be there for him because no one else is."

"And because he's hot."

"He's beautiful, isn't he?" Logan grinned, then he grew serious. "But we did figure out a few things yesterday after we left the hospital. He doesn't drink at all and was probably in a car accident. I'd say a bad one, he gets terrified just sitting in a car."

"Hmm. That's interesting. Did you tell the police that? Did you even go to the police?"

"Yes, and yes. We know he isn't a wanted man and has never been arrested. As long as the DNA doesn't turn up anything, that is. We're still waiting on that."

"When does he have an appointment with a psychiatrist?"

"Today. Oh, that reminds me! I need to go, I have to cover the last few hours of my shift."

When he stood up, Faith sighed. "Logan Mitchell. Where is your head?"

"He asked me to go. And actually, he's said a few things that made me wonder if he remembers more than he's letting on. I want to know what a psychiatrist has to say."

Faith's eyes narrowed. "What sort of things?"

"Well, we know he lived on the streets at some point. He commented on it yesterday but when I pressed, he couldn't remember anything or even why he would say that. Is that possible? To talk about something and then when you try to remember it, it's gone?"

"Maybe," Faith shrugged. "The psychiatrist would know that answer better than me. I didn't get the vibe he was faking it, though. I listened for clues, trust me."

"Yeah, same here. I need to go. Have a good day, okay? And thanks for everything."

"Sure. Be careful, Logan."

"I am. I'm being careful."

"You're falling in love with someone who might not even exist. How is that careful?"

"He does exist. He's right in front of me."

"But he might not always be," Faith reminded him. "Please don't forget that."

"I'm not. Trust me."

"The person you see is a temporary, Logan. He's a filler. A coping mechanism."

"That doesn't make him less of a human," Logan pointed out.

"No, but it makes him a danger to you because you're getting too attached."

"I already told you, I know that. There's a reason I refuse to kiss him. I know my limits."

"He pushes your limits," she argued. "I can see that much."

"Let him push all he wants. I'm not breaking on this. I won't kiss him. Except on the cheek," he added.

Faith shook her head in exasperation. "It's_ your_heart, Logan. Just make sure he doesn't turn his head at the last minute so you're kissing his lips instead. He seems sneaky like that."

Logan's lips curved into a smile. He could see Joseph doing that, too. _"When I see something I like, I find a way to get it."_ And yet Joseph hadn't pushed on that; he'd asked for kisses plenty, but hadn't once tried to steal one, and for that reason Logan figured he was still safe.

* * *

Because the hospital cafeteria was crowded and loud at that time of day, Logan got his lunch to go and went in search of a quiet place to make a phone call. His mind was spinning with thoughts of Joseph and the upcoming appointment and he wondered how Joseph was faring at the house. A familiar voice called his name as he stepped off the elevator, and when Logan slowed his steps he turned to see Suzie smiling at him; unsurprisingly, his feet had carried him toward Joseph's old room.

"How are ya, Dr. Mitchell?"

"I'm good, Suzie, how are you?"

"Just another day in paradise, you know," she chuckled. "I see your friend left. He doing okay?"

"He's fine, thanks. I'll be seeing him later this afternoon. Should I pass on a message?"

"Yes. Tell him I figured him out and I know that extra muffin was for him."

Logan laughed, one hand on the door leading to the patio area. "I will. I'm sorry he lied to you."

"He's a sneaky one, isn't he?"

Nodding, Logan pushed the door open. "That he is. I'll let him know he didn't fool you."

"Oh, he did at first. That's how they are, the really crafty ones. They fool you good at first, but then when you get away and have time to think, that's when things start to make sense and you feel stupid for falling for it."

The words felt like a foreboding, and though they weren't said ominously they still sent a chill up Logan's spine. "Yeah. Have a great day, Suzie."

"You too, doc."

Their table was empty, so of course Logan gravitated toward it. There was so much he didn't know, so many questions unanswered, and it was making his head hurt to keep trying to solve the puzzle without any pieces. Maybe today would unlock some of those clues.

He set down his bag, pulling out the sandwich he'd grabbed and unwrapping it before digging his phone out. As he called up Joseph's number the phone shook in his hand, a text coming in at that exact moment.

"_If you get a lunch break you should call me."_

Face splitting into a grin, Logan sent the call through.

"Wow, that was quick." Logan could hear the smile in his voice. "How did I get so lucky?"

"Because I was just about to call you anyway. How's it going?"

"Good. How's work?"

"Stressful. Crazy. Same as always."

"You love it, though, don't you?"

"Yeah, I do," Logan grinned. "It's what I've always wanted to do. Did you get some lunch?"

"Why, you want to come take me out? I could lie and say I haven't eaten yet."

Laughing, Logan replied, "I wouldn't have time for that, and no lies. Speaking of which, I'm supposed to tell you that Suzie figured out you were lying about me and the muffins. She's on to you, buddy."

Joseph chuckled. "Yeah, not much she can do about it now. Did you at least tell her I shared with you?"

"No, I thought I'd let you suffer, even if you'll never see her again. How are you getting along with everyone?"

"Only talked to a few this morning, and talked to Trevor more. He's actually not a bad guy. He's been through a lot."

"I got that impression. Is your roommate okay?"

"Patrick? He's great. Really sweet. Shy, but sweet. I think he has a crush on me."

Logan's stomach twisted almost painfully. _Shy but sweet and has a crush on you. Sounds just like me. _ "What makes you say that?"

"I can just tell. I know how someone acts when they have a crush on me. _Logan._"

Blushing even though Joseph couldn't see him, Logan asked, "Did he...make any moves on you?"

"Of course not. He's shy. You jealous again?"

A part of him he didn't recognize prompted Logan to ask, "Is this the part where I mention the new intern that's been hitting on me?"

The reaction was immediate. Logan couldn't see anything, but he heard what sounded like a fist pounding down on something.

"Has he touched you?"

Logan smirked. There was no new intern, but it was nice to know he wasn't alone in the jealousy. "No. You jealous?"

"You know I am. I'm telling you, one day you'll be mine. I'll wait if that's what you want, but give me the chance in the meantime. Don't go falling for anyone else before I get my memory back."

_You don't have to worry about that. Trust me._"Relax, I'm not interested. Remember anything?"

"No," Joseph sighed, sounding dejected. "I sat in my bed for a while this morning with the notebook and tried. All the stuff we talked about yesterday, car crashes and drugs and drinking and the streets...nothing. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize, it's not for me you're doing this. It's for you."

"But..."

"But what?"

"It's probably nothing, so I don't even want to mention it but I had been sitting there thinking so hard and I didn't even know it but I started sketching. When I decided to give up, I looked down and there was this...drawing."

Logan sat up straighter, mouth slowing to a stop as it chewed. He swallowed the food before asking, "What did you draw?"

"I'm not sure. It doesn't really look like anything, it's just...I don't know. A storm, maybe?"

"A storm? Like clouds and rain?"

"More like fog. It kind of looks like a cloud but there are shapes behind it. I can't tell what they are, though."

Logan gulped down some water, then said, "Okay, new plan. Forget the notebook."

"Forget the...seriously?"

"Yes. Apparently your brain works in symbols and pictures. I should've guessed that, I suppose. For me, lists are what work. Equations and fitting pieces into place, putting things in order. Take that sketch book with you everywhere instead."

"I drew this stuff in the notebook."

"Bring that with you today, too, but from now on use the sketchbook. Or both."

"Okay." Joseph was quiet, thinking, and Logan allowed him to while returning to his lunch. "Did you find out if I can take you with me to the appointment?"

"Yes, I read up and most doctors allow a family member to be present for the initial appointment. In fact, I need to call them before I go back, so I'm gonna let you go."

"Aww, do you have to?"

"I do," Logan grinned. "Actually, you should be the one calling to ask about me going to the appointment. The medical field is so private anymore they may not even discuss you with me. Call."

"Okay. Miss you."

Logan bit his lip, the words going straight to his heart. "Miss you, too. I'll be there in a few hours."

"Can't wait."

Picturing the flirty smile in his mind, Logan blushed. He was going to have to get past that eventually.

"And tell that intern you're taken."

Rolling his eyes, Logan said, "Joseph, I'm not-"

"Yes, you are. If we discover I'm not a horrible person, I'm going after you."

"Like you're not already?"

"Oh, good," Joseph smiled. "So you _do_realize I'm on a quest."

"I'm not a prize to be won," Logan argued.

"No, you're the light at the end of the tunnel. You're what's waiting for me on the other side. If I make it through this and you're still waiting for me? That's what I'm pushing toward. That someday."

Why did Joseph have to say these things? Why did he do this, get Logan's heart racing and his mind picturing a future that might never come to pass? "I'm not going to abandon you," he reminded Joseph softly.

"If I'm not worthy of you, you won't have to. I'll be the one leaving."

"Joseph, don't think that way. I can't imagine you being a bad person."

"You heard what that cop said. My personality might be totally different."

Unable to argue that, Logan kept his mouth shut.

"But hey! I'm not a criminal! I got that going for me, right?"

"You've got a lot more than that. It's going to work out."

"I'm hoping. See you soon?"

"Absolutely. Bye, stranger."

Joseph laughed. "Can't wait, cutie."

Logan was checking his phone one last time before returning to work when it buzzed in his hand. _Of course._He grinned.

_"They said you could come in with me. Please?"_

Suzie's words about sneaky ones still ringing in his head, Logan texted back _"I'll be there."_

* * *

As he pulled up in front of the house, Logan wondered about the "signing out" Trevor had mentioned. Would he have to physically sign a log of some kind? He hadn't the day before, though Joseph hadn't been completely set up yet.

He was a few minutes later than he'd planned to be but had taken the time to change into "civilian" clothing, donning the t-shirt and jeans he'd brought along as well as the light jacket he wore almost everywhere. When he knocked on the door it was 3:25 and he hoped they wouldn't be kept long.

The door was opened by a man who looked to be anywhere between twenty-five and thirty, hair a glossy black and eyes a pale but somehow still piercing shade of blue. His body language was not threatening in any way even though he seemed both bigger and taller than Joseph, but something about the way he gazed down at Logan made him uncomfortable.

Joseph appeared behind him within two seconds, face lighting up with that happy grin. "Hey, cutie!"

Tearing his eyes away from the darker-haired man, Logan smiled. "Hey. You ready?"

"Yeah, just need to grab my sketch book."

"Don't forget your notebook, too!" Logan called out as Joseph disappeared.

"Are you Logan?"

It was shy, but again there was something in those eyes that put Logan on edge. "I am. Are you Patrick?"

"You know my name?"

"Trevor mentioned there was a roommate named Patrick. I wondered if you were him."

"You have to sign Joseph out."

"I know."

"And bring him home by nine."

"I plan to." Why was he explaining himself to this man?

The door was opened wider and Patrick stood back to allow Logan in. He entered slowly, noting that the living room was once again empty. "Is Trevor around?"

"Yeah."

What sounded like a herd of horses clomping down the stairs preceded the reappearance of Joseph, who was now wearing the leather jacket over a forest-green t-shirt and was almost enough to have Logan drooling. His obvious excitement at seeing Logan again made Logan smile in return.

"Let's go!"

"I have to sign you out first."

"Oh. Right. Forgot about that. Trevor!" Joseph was off again, trotting toward the kitchen. Logan followed, ignoring the blue eyes boring into his back.

Trevor glanced up from the kitchen table, where he'd been doing paperwork of some kind before Joseph interrupted. "Logan, good to see you." He stood up to shake hands, Logan leaning in to do the same before he sat back down.

"Is there something I sign?"

"Yes, right there on the counter. Just find his page, I put it in there last night."

Logan found the binder and flipped pages until he found Joseph's, not surprised it was the last one. Long arms slid around his waist and a chin settled over his shoulder as he was signing his name and listing "doctor appointment" as the reason for the excursion.

"Missed you," Joseph whispered, and Logan's fingers tightened around the pen.

Finding his voice, Logan asked, "Should I list that I'm taking him out for dinner, too? How specific do I need to be?"

"No, that's fine," Trevor replied. "We keep the record for social services, mostly, so that they can check it and see that he's going to his appointments. Of course they can call the doctor as well, but this is corroboration. Joseph, when the time comes, also list that you're job-hunting. And please wait until you leave for kissy-faces."

Joseph busted up but backed away from Logan. "I wasn't doing anything. Just telling him I missed him."

Noting that the words weren't laced with annoyance or sarcasm but instead amusement, Logan realized Joseph and Trevor must have bonded quite a bit since the day before. He sensed it in the way Joseph had run around the house yelling for Trevor as if he was no longer intimidated by him. Then again, had Joseph ever been?

"I'll make sure he's home by nine this time," Logan assured Trevor.

"Just so I know how to plan my grocery shopping, will you be taking him out every night? Do I even need to worry about providing dinner for him?"

Logan opened his mouth, then closed it. He wanted to say yes but then didn't want to disappoint Joseph if for some reason he wasn't able to make it.

"It would really give me something to look forward to," Joseph hinted. "And you're already going to be with me twice a week for my appointments and one day for laundry and nachos, right?"

"I might not be able to do the appointments again, Joseph," Logan answered, turning to face him. "I can't keep asking for time off work."

"Oh, right. Well...okay. I understand."

There was that dejected look that broke Logan's heart. "I'll come by if I can, okay? Promise. I should be able to most nights but I'm afraid to have you counting on that. I don't want to let you down."

"You couldn't let me down, you're amazing."

It was ridiculous the way Logan's heart reacted to the soft words and the gentle hand that came up to cradle his cheek. "I'll be here whenever I can," he said again, and Joseph nodded.

Trevor spoke up. "If your appointment's at four, you two need to get moving."

"Shit!" Joseph yelled, then immediately placed a hand to his mouth. "Sorry, Trevor."

"Just go. Good luck with your session, Joseph. I hope you get somewhere."

"Thanks. See you tonight."

As they spun to leave the kitchen a shadow moved away across the floor and Logan knew Patrick had been eavesdropping. His uneasiness intensified. Joseph's hand slid around his and he returned the grip, linking their fingers together as they crossed to the front door.

Patrick smiled at them from a chair. "See you tonight, Joseph."

"You, too. Have fun with your tournament."

And then they were out in the open air and Logan let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding. He closed the door behind them with his free hand, making sure Joseph had his two books with him. "Draw anything more today?"

"No. Spent most of the day doing chores with Trevor and Patrick. We're painting that shed out back. He actually let us have an extra shower because of it."

"He doesn't seem like such a bad guy after all, does he?"

"He's pretty cool. Not like he was last night. And he likes Patrick a lot, I think he's like the teacher's pet of the house."

"And what do _you_think of Patrick?" Logan unlocked the car doors, opening Joseph's side and watching for signs of fear. Joseph hesitated, seeming to brace himself, but then he slid down into the seat.

"He's nice."

"Nice?" Logan echoed before closing the door and moving around to the driver's side. He noted that Joseph had buckled up, and purposely started the car without fastening his own. "Why was he there? Didn't Trevor say he works?"

"Yeah, today was a bad one for him, I guess. He couldn't make it to work."

"The anxiety?"

"Yeah. He was really quiet all morning, stayed in the room but then came down to help us."

"Did you two talk a lot last night?"

"Sort of. After I had to put my phone away he came into the room and helped me unpack my stuff. He was really-" The car started to move and Joseph's words cut off, only to be followed by "Logan, stop! Your seatbelt, stop!"

Logan did stop, unsurprised. Joseph was once again trembling in the seat, one hand gripping Logan's arm tight enough to bruise. "You okay?"

"Put on your damn seatbelt, are you crazy?"  
_  
Oh yeah. Definitely an auto accident of some kind_. "Sorry, I was distracted. Now tell me more about Patrick. Tell me about this crush he has on you."

"It's nothing, Logan."

"Don't tell me it's nothing. I didn't like the way he was interrogating me." Seatbelt now securely fastened, Logan put the car in drive and pulled away from the curb.

"What do you mean? What did he say?"

"Wanted to make sure I bring you home on time. And signed you out properly."

Joseph waved a hand in dismissal. "It's just because he doesn't want to lose me. He gets lonely, likes having a roommate. Don't be jealous of him, there's no need."

"Joseph, it's not jealousy. It's-"

"So you're _not_ jealous?"

"Maybe a little, I'll admit that. But it's not jealousy that's giving me weird vibes. It's him. What's this tournament you mentioned?"

"Oh, I guess the guys play board games and have tournaments with them. They put their food and snacks up as prizes."

"Isn't that technically gambling?"

"I don't know, probably. It seems harmless, though, it's just food. Patrick says he usually wins."

Logan nodded, mind once again returning to the "sneaky ones" comment from Suzie. He had to be overreacting, he didn't even know this guy. Maybe he _was_ just jealous.

A subject change was in order. "You're doing a lot better with the car. Obviously still having trouble, but you've already stopped shaking from the scare a few minutes ago."

"I'm still nervous."

"I can tell, but you're doing good."

"Did you remember my cookies?'

"Of course. They're in the back, you get them after the appointment."

Joseph's lips curved down. "So cookies have replaced the friendship kisses as a reward?"

"I didn't say that. Maybe you'll get lucky and end up with both today."

"I could live with that." Head swiveling to the left, Joseph added, "And I forgot to mention it yesterday, but you look really hot in jeans."

Fighting to keep his hands and feet from reacting to that in a way that would disrupt the driving, Logan shook his head.

"You do! It was weird to see you in normal clothes, but I like it. You look more relaxed."

"I am, I guess. And the jacket still looks incredible on you. Love those long legs in denim."

"Thank you," Joseph grinned, puffing up slightly. "I know how much you love my legs."

What was he doing? He was supposed to be discouraging comments like that, not contributing to them. Changing the subject yet again, Logan asked, "Did you talk to Trevor about the media thing? Doing an interview there?"

"Yeah, he said he'd rather not. He doesn't want the place to get a lot of attention and distract the residents."

"Okay. We can do it at my apartment, just let me know."

Joseph didn't answer, eyes on the road again. Taking the offramp from the freeway, Logan checked the clock and saw that they weren't going to be late, though they had cut it closer than he'd liked. "You're going to be forthcoming with the doctor, right? Not hold anything back?"

"If I tried, you'd just tell it all anyway."

"It's only because you need to remember," Logan reminded him. "The doctor can't help you if you don't help yourself."

"I know," Joseph sighed. "It's just scary. But you'll be there with me, so it'll be okay."

"Right here," Logan agreed, reaching over to squeeze Joseph's hand and relieved he was still needed.


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the characters taken from Big Time Rush and placed into this story. I make no money off this.

**Author's Notes:**

So here's a long chapter to make up for the fact that I haven't updated in like a week. Bad news is I have nothing more written, so you'll have to wait a while for the next update. But take what I have, it's yours.

This section is unbetaed, so if there are any mistakes it's all my fault. Things are crazy right now in everyone's life, a lot of changes going on, and it's been hard to find time to devote to this story, for me and for my betas. Also I was just informed that Carlos tweeted that season 3 is officially done. I feel like this is the end, and it makes me very sad. I know the music will go on for a while still but the show...I'm not ready! :(

For those asking about my trip to Paramount, it was a success. I'll make a post on my Livejournal detailing everything, but we got to see pretty much every member of the cast except Kendall, Logan, Challen, and the Jennifers. I'm so glad we went when we did, we got lucky. It was just so awesome. We even got to talk to Glickman for quite a while. The tour guide kept saying "Wow, this never happens! You're so lucky!" I'm so blessed. Bummed we missed Kendall and Logan, but not complaining.

Once we get past this chapter, things start to move more quickly. James still has a long way to go, but he's getting there. It feels weird to call him James now haha.

And thank you so much for the reviews. I know this one is frustrating, especially when it comes to the lack of giving in to their...desires, I guess you'd call it, but Logan is nothing if not cautious (or as cautious as he can be when faced with a James Diamond who has set his sights on Logan).

Another Jagan, yay! Or at least I'm excited, because we know I love Jagan. About a year ago I wrote a story for **kathrynew30**, it was a gift for our one-year friendiversary. The James Diamond in this story is taken directly from that one, though he suffered no amnesia in it. So for that reason, I dedicate this to Kathryn.

I also must dedicate it to **joyousbrokenthing**, who is entirely to blame for this being written at all. She tweeted me one night about a vision of Logan as a scientist building a robot James. This story is of course not that at all, but it got me thinking about a situation where Logan basically helps put James back together and within fifteen minutes I had this story pretty much written in my head. I wasn't planning to write a Jagan next, but it wouldn't leave me alone so here we are. Thanks a lot, Tammy. XD

**Aranelle** and **jdmazz** are helping to shape the direction of this story so much. I knew from the start where it was going, but they're helping me figure out how to get there and their feedback and advice has been invaluable. Seriously could not ask for better betas. I love you both so much.

* * *

When they arrived at the psychiatrist's office, Joseph stepped up to sign himself in. Logan took a seat in one of the chairs in the waiting room, which was decorated in soft blues and greens. He knew that was on purpose, as those were known to be calming colors; hospitals used them often as well.

Joseph returned to him with a clipboard containing intake paperwork. Logan helped him fill everything out but once again there wasn't much he could provide, and nothing at all of his medical history. He signed off on the privacy policies, opting into the network that allowed his medical files to be shared among doctors and offices after Logan encouraged him to; it would be easier for his psychiatrist to have direct access to all of that, and she would need to catch up on his situation. "Here, the lady said this one's for you." Joseph passed a form to Logan.

"Me? What do I need to fill out?"

"Something about me letting you know medical stuff about me?"

"Oh." Logan glanced over it and saw it was an agreement that he would keep everything confidential in regards to Joseph.

"This one here says I'm okay with you knowing everything, right?" Joseph asked, lifting another sheet.

Logan nodded after skimming it. "And...are you?"

"Of course!" Joseph smiled brightly. "You're the person I trust more than anyone else. We're doing this together, right?"

Logan smiled as well. "We are."

After Joseph had turned in the paperwork and joined him again, Logan asked softly, "You nervous?"

Joseph's hand searching his out answered the question before the words did. "A little. Not as scared as the police station, though. I was so afraid they were going to lock me up."

"They didn't, you're safe."

"I wonder if I'll start to remember after this. Maybe even during the session."

"We'll see how it goes. The first appointment is mostly consultation, though. Getting to know your doctor, setting up a game plan to attack the problem. She probably won't let me in for the regular sessions."

"You have to work anyway, right?"

"Most likely."

A man entered the room from an inner door, smiling at the receptionist as he passed. Joseph's hand squeezed a little tighter.

"Right here," Logan soothed. "We'll do this together."

A woman stepped into the room next, eyes welcoming as they rested on Joseph and Logan. "Hello, I'm Dr. Coates. Which of you is Joseph?"

Having already stood when she entered, they approached her and Joseph held out his hand. "I am. Hi. Really nervous."

"No need to be, we're just going to talk. But first I'd like to talk to your..."

When she trailed off in question, Logan supplied, "Friend. Basically next of kin, but a friend. I'm Logan."

They also shook hands, Logan feeling Joseph tense up next to him and knowing immediately what was wrong. "There's nothing to be suspicious of, I'm sure she just wants my side so she knows where you stand."

"I usually do this with family members, Joseph," Dr. Coates assured him. "It's nothing to be concerned about."

When Joseph still seemed reluctant, Logan raised a hand and tucked Joseph's hair behind his ear. "Trust me?"

That much Joseph could do. He nodded, backing away toward the seats again.

"Just a few minutes, Joseph." Dr. Coates led the way into her office, Logan glancing back once reassuringly before the door closed.

He watched her settle herself in a chair as she ignored the desk at the right of the room. This one was decorated with soft browns and woodsy accents. Logan sank onto a tan sofa and crossed one leg over the other, taking in that Dr. Coates had kind brown eyes and a non-threatening way about her. She was old enough to be his mother, he'd guess, with dark blonde hair that was tied up into a loose bun, and wore a flowing skirt that reminded Logan of gypsies along with a baggy sweater. "You're aware I'll be recording this? I do that with each of my sessions." When Logan agreed, she continued, "I just want a few moments to...well, like you said. Get an idea where his head is. I've dealt with a few amnesic patients over the years, so I can imagine he's scared and lost and clinging to the one thing that's stable in his life right now?"

Logan nodded, wondering how much he should tell her about their feelings for one another; then again, she'd probably figure it out once they were in the room together. "I was the doctor on staff when he came into the E.R. I felt sorry for the guy, checked up on him and we ended up friends."

"He needs a friend right now, most of them don't find that. I caution you, though, because you don't know-"

"I know," Logan interrupted. "I'm aware that he might have a bad past and we don't know what he's running from."

"Right, he probably has family and a life somewhere and-"

"Yeah," Logan nodded again, not wanting to dwell on that. "I do know. And I'm prepared if that proves to be the case."

"Is he living with you?"

"No, he's staying at a halfway house. He got moved in there yesterday, it's been less than a week since he showed up at the hospital."

Dr. Coates took that in before asking, "And how does he seem? I noticed a hint of paranoia out there, what else should I be aware of?"

"I've noticed signs of narcissism as well. Co-dependency on me, but that's normal in this situation, right?"

"Very. What he needs most is a place he can feel safe and comfortable, people around him who foster that and encourage him to remember without pushing. He needs to know that no matter what he remembers, he won't be shunned."

"I reassure him about that every day. Whatever it is he might've done in his previous life, I'm here for him. I promised him that."

Dr. Coates studied Logan, and he knew what was coming before the words left her mouth so he spoke first. "There are romantic feelings, yes. But we're not acting on them. I refuse to take that step for all of the reasons we just mentioned. He might have a family somewhere, or at the very least a significant other."

She nodded approvingly. "Good. It would be a bad idea for him to get too focused on you or anyone else, because then he'll feel _too_safe and want to stay in this dream world forever. It's a fine line, being supportive but not an escape. Anything else I should know? Has he remembered anything or had flashes?"

"Not that I've been made aware of. I'd like your opinion because there have been a few...slips, I guess you'd call them? Where he says things but when I question them he doesn't know why he said it or remember anything additional."

"That's common, actually. But do you have any reason to doubt his condition? There are those who fake amnesia, and I can't rule out the possibility with Joseph."

Relieved that she'd brought it up first, Logan let out a breath. "I don't want to believe that, and honestly I don't get the feeling he's faking it. Neither did his doctor at the hospital. But there's always that fear. He can be sneaky, I've seen that in action. Nothing serious," he assured Dr. Coates when she raised an eyebrow. "Little things that don't make much difference, but I can't help wondering."

"I had a patient once who was faking. Figured it out the first session but it wasn't until the third I got him to admit it. There are signs. Body language, facial expressions. If you know what to look for, it's obvious. Unless he's a very good actor, then it's more difficult."

Logan's stomach dropped. "He might be. I've seen signs of that too, of him adopting a mask when he has to. He'll probably come in here with a brave face, acting as if he's perfectly confident. He's terrified."

"That could mean one of two things. Either he's terrified of being discovered a liar or terrified to remember his past."

"He's afraid I'm going to abandon him once he remembers."

"Will you? If he's faking it?"

The question brought Logan up short. Not wanting to consider it, he hadn't thought that far ahead. Of course if Joseph was playing him, he'd be angry and hurt and happy to be rid of Joseph, right? And yet the idea of losing Joseph gripped him in a slight panic. "I'd rather not think about it," he finally said, and Dr. Coates didn't push.

She rose to peek out and invite Joseph in, and then he was sitting much closer than necessary to Logan and Logan needed his touch, so he took Joseph's hand in his, letting Joseph link their fingers together. He felt like Joseph would disappear any second and hated that he was already so attached, but it was too late to change that now.

"Well, Joseph," Dr. Coates began, "normally in this session we get to know each other, discuss what brought you here and a bit about your family history. We won't be able to do that last part, obviously. Your social worker told me a little bit about your situation, but not too much. I'd rather hear what you have to say. So let's start with that, with how you came to be here."

Dr. Coates took Joseph through his story, Logan trying to remain quiet and let him handle it but occasionally adding things he either forgot or neglected to mention. She encouraged the use of the sketch book and the meetings at Haven House, stating it would be helpful for him to be around others instead of spending all of his time with Logan. Logan knew this to be true and vocally encouraged the same, but his stomach twisted because once again he didn't like the idea of Joseph depending on others. He really needed to get past that; even if this had been a normal relationship, it was unhealthy for Joseph to depend on only one person.

Next they discussed treatment options. When it was brought up, Joseph adamantly refused drug therapy of any kind. Dr. Coates let that idea drop and suggested hypnosis instead, and while Joseph was uncomfortable with that, he agreed to give it a try.

"Can Logan be with me?"

"I'd rather Logan did not accompany you to every session," she answered. "We'll play it by ear, but I think it's best for you to see me alone from this point on. Occasionally I may ask to see him, get an idea where you stand, but for the next few weeks it's just you and me."

Biting his lip, Joseph squeezed Logan's hand tight, and Logan said soothingly, "It'll be fine." Joseph seemed to like Dr. Coates well enough, so he wasn't concerned about that. "And I'll cook you dinner after your appointments. Just schedule them late enough so that I can pick you up after work."

"Yeah?" Joseph asked with a bright smile.

"Absolutely. How long will the sessions be, Doctor?"

"An hour, and we'll do it twice a week to start with. That may change as he progresses, but we'll start with that. Make an appointment on your way out for early next week, Joseph. I'll put in a request for your medical history at the hospital. And don't worry, we'll figure you out. It's all up to you, though. Your mind has to be open to it, has to want it."

"I know," Joseph replied. "I do want it. But I'm scared, too, you know?"

Both Logan and Dr. Coates nodded. "Logan, I'd like the few minutes we have left alone with Joseph."

Surprisingly, Joseph didn't panic. Logan stood and smiled down at him, Joseph smiling up in return and Logan feeling that pull to lean down and kiss him. He ignored it and exited the office, waiting in the lobby area for about ten minutes and starting to relax.

This was what Joseph needed. Dr. Coates would hopefully know how to get into Joseph's head and extract the details they both needed so desperately to discover. Part of him wanted to be present for the hypnosis but another feared it, feared what he might hear because it could bring an end to what they'd built in their short time together.

When Joseph emerged, Dr. Coates called Logan in one more time. Now _he_was nervous. "Well?"

"I'm confident he's not lying, Logan. He doesn't show any signs of it. As you said, he might prove to be a good actor, but I think I'd get a feeling if he was. He seems genuine."

A massive weight lifted from Logan's shoulders. "I was pretty sure, but..."

"I know. It's a scary thing for both of you. He was very forthcoming with me, which is helpful."

"I told him he needed to be. I was worried he'd get in here and clam up, but he did well. I'm proud."

"Have him make that appointment."

They took care of that before leaving, Joseph choosing a five o'clock slot after Logan stated he would make sure to be there by six to pick Joseph up. He'd have to leave work a bit early, but planned to speak to his boss about setting up an earlier shift twice a week for this purpose; surely they wouldn't mind a half-hour difference?

Faith laughed in his mind, and Logan envisioned her shaking her head and saying, "You are so far gone." Yes, he was, and he supposed it was time to admit that he'd fallen in love with a total stranger.

* * *

Before belting himself in, Joseph twisted to reach back between the seats and find the cookies, which Logan had stowed in an insulated lunch bag. Logan chuckled as he slid into the driver's seat, not saying a word as Joseph unzipped the bag and smiled. After breaking the seal on the freezer bag containing the cookies, he inhaled the scent and made one of those sounds.

Logan's body reacted immediately, and he addressed the problem as soon as they both had fastened their seat belts. "Okay, hang on. We have to talk about those noises."

"What?" Joseph questioned, mouth already full.

Logan pulled out of the parking spot and headed for the street. "When I asked you to not be so enthusiastic over food, it's because you sound like you're having an orgasm."

"Oh, really?" Joseph laughed before taking another bite and making the noises again, more exaggerated this time as if he truly was having amazing sex. The car swerved before Logan got it under control.

"Will you knock it off? Almost lost control of the car there."

Rather than continued laughter, there was only silence to Logan's right. He glanced over to see Joseph shaking again, and though it wasn't violent it was enough that Logan felt the need to reach out for Joseph's hand, which gripped his painfully. Logan waited it out, afraid to break Joseph's inner focus.

Finally Joseph closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the seat. Logan extracted his hand before moving the bag of cookies to his own lap.

"I almost had something," Joseph whispered. "It was right there."

"It was a car crash, wasn't it?"

"I don't know. That's the problem, I don't know. The car swerved and I heard this sound in my head."

"What kind of sound?"

"Not sure. Just...this horrible noise. Scared me."

"I can see that. You okay now?"

"Yeah," Joseph sighed. Irritated with himself, he reached over to snag the cookies back. "Give me those."

"What, I don't get any? I only baked them myself."

"Like you didn't eat any last night?"

Logan shrugged, smirking as he drove.

Joseph's eyes narrowed on Logan. He reached into the bag for another cookie, taking a small bite before setting off on another round of groaning that had Logan smacking his shoulder.

"Will you knock that off already?"

Practically bouncing in the seat, Joseph grinned. "You want me."

Annoyed, Logan replied, "We established that."

"I like hearing it."

"You don't have to hear it every day. It's not going to change just because I don't say it." Joseph seemed to melt. Logan smiled and said, "I promise. Now can I have a cookie?*

"No way, you're driving. Can't have you orgasming while you drive, now can we?"

That brought to mind another vision Logan could have done without. "Put those away. You'll spoil your dinner."

"Oh, now you're telling me _not _to eat when I say outrageous things? Make up your mind, cutie."

Exasperated, all Logan could do was laugh.

"I really love spending time with you," Joseph said suddenly, the teasing gone. "I wish you didn't have to take me home."

Forcing his eyes to stay on the road, Logan was sliced by agony again. That was going to happen in more ways than one-he was going to get Joseph home eventually. And then he would be alone. There was no way in hell Joseph was single, he had so much love to give and seemed to soak up affection when it was offered. Surely there was a man out there missing Joseph as much as Logan would grow to miss him, if not more. It was that thought that kept him from responding in kind.

"Okay, moving on," Joseph uttered softly, obviously hurt by Logan's silence. "What's for dinner?"

"I haven't decided yet. I was thinking something quick, but I don't have any meat thawed out and-"

"You're cooking me dinner?"

"I wasn't planning to originally, but-"

"Yes! Please! Whatever you want! I'll even eat corn."

Logan chuckled, touched. "I won't make you eat corn. Any idea if you like tuna?"

"Tuna. Nope. No idea."

"We'll find out. If you hate it, we can just order pizza."

"We know I like pizza."

"We do," Logan grinned. "But no more orgasm noises. Especially not when we're alone."

When Joseph's reply was an evil smirk, Logan groaned. It was going to be an interesting night.

* * *

Glad he was the type who kept a tidy house, Logan wasn't nervous at all about inviting Joseph into his home (other than the slight fear of being alone with Joseph and unable to remain strong if he chose to attack romantically). Logan gave Joseph a quick tour, skipping over the second bedroom though he did mention it in passing; Joseph didn't ask, and Logan was grateful because if he had, Logan wasn't sure he would have been able to turn down a plea of "Please let me move in with you."

Joseph also behaved well in regards to keeping his distance, which Logan appreciated. He hovered in the kitchen while Logan put dinner together, asking Logan more about his past and family. The discussion brought to mind that Logan's mother would be in touch that evening for their weekly phone call. Should he ignore the call or risk it with Joseph present?

While the casserole was baking Logan shooed Joseph into the living room, tossing him the remote. Joseph flipped channels as Logan came up to stand behind the couch, Joseph's head leaning back against his stomach. When a news program flew past, Logan reached out to lay a hand on Joseph's shoulder. "Did you call Detective Monroe today?

"Not yet." A hand snaked up to link fingers with Logan's. "I probably should."

"You're not still scared, are you?"

"Not really, but there's that fear about the hair thing."

"The DNA test," Logan nodded. "Need I remind you that if you were a wanted man they would've arrested you by now?"

"Still. It's scary."

"Joseph," Logan said softly. He lowered himself to the arm of the couch, hand still stretched across the back of Joseph's neck and fingers intertwined. "You can't hide from this anymore. Whatever it is, you need to get there. I'm waiting at the end of the tunnel, remember? The way you talk about wanting me, I'd think you'd be rushing toward the memories by now," he teased.

"I do want you," Joseph smiled, glancing up at him. "Come here."

"No way. This is as close as we get."

"Will you trust me? I can respect your rules." When Logan still hesitated, Joseph let go of his hand and twisted to scoop him up with both arms, one under his legs and the other behind his back. He scooted over and deposited Logan on the cushion next to him, then cuddled Logan in close. "See? No kissing. Just watching T.V. together."

It was heaven. Logan snuggled in closer, head resting on Joseph's shoulder while Joseph's arms slid around his waist.

"Tell me this isn't nice."

"It's perfect," Logan sighed. A thousand nights just like this would be perfect. "Call Monroe, though."

"Okay." Joseph reached for his phone and called up the number he'd input the night before. Logan listened carefully to the conversation, head still on Joseph's shoulder with Joseph's free arm around him.

"Hi detective, this is Joseph David." There was a pause. "Good. Anything new?" Pause. "Well, that's good, I was worried about-oh, really?" Joseph sat up straighter, Logan lifting his head. "Anyone recognize me?" Logan's gaze shot up to Joseph's face. "Wow. Holy shit. Okay." Then Joseph was standing, extricating himself from Logan, and Logan's stomach twisted into knots. "And the driver? What did he say?" Pause. "Oh. Well...okay. Wow. Let me know. No, I haven't remembered anything more. I will, I promise. Thanks."

Logan stood up as Joseph ended the call. "What happened?"

Spinning to face Logan, Joseph replied, "A woman in the park saw me get off a bus. A city bus. Right in front of the park. She said she saw me a little later jogging and remembered me because...well, because I'm hot, basically."

Biting his lip, Logan wasn't surprised by that. "Did they scout the park or what?"

"Monroe said they sent an officer to the park and showed my picture around, and a woman who sells drinks there recognized me. So...I came off a bus."

"Do you remember that at all?"

"No. Nothing. I'm trying, but...nothing. He said they're gonna talk to the driver tomorrow and see if he remembers me."

_Tomorrow. I've still got one more night at least._"That's great, Joseph!"

"It would be better if I remembered it. But...yeah. Wow."

Logan's phone rang, jarring him. "Mom."

"Mom?" Joseph echoed with a bright grin. "Can I talk to her?"

"You can sit down and watch T.V. while I check on dinner."

Joseph smiled wider and followed Logan into the kitchen as he answered. "Hi, Mom. How are you?"

"Hi, sweetheart," she answered. "Good, just got home from work. It was a late night. How are things at the hospital?"

"Same as always, busy and crazy and-will you get out of here?" Logan had spun around to find Joseph right behind him and trying to listen. Joseph didn't budge.

"I'm sorry, honey?"

"Sorry, Mom, I was talking to..." Well, there was no point in hiding Joseph. "My friend Joseph is here for dinner. Long story."

"Oh? Do you finally have a date, Logan?" The excitement in her voice had Logan rolling his eyes.

"No, we're just friends." Which was a total lie and caused Joseph to deflate a bit.

"For now!" he yelled out anyway, and Logan sighed before adding the same words.

"For now," he repeated to his mother. "Like I said, long story. We're friends right now but hoping for something more someday."

Joseph leaned forward to speak into the phone. "It's gonna happen."

Logan's mother chuckled.

"I feel like I'm back in high school," Logan complained.

"It does bring back memories of phone calls with you and Kendall, him always yelling into the phone" she laughed. "I like this one already."

"I do, too. That's the problem."

"Why is it a problem?"

"Because..." As Logan watched Joseph poking into his refrigerator, most likely looking for something to snack on, he felt himself caving. Every day he caved a little more. "Like I said, it's a long story. I'll call you tomorrow and tell you everything, promise. It's hard to talk with this guy around."

Joseph lifted his head up over the open fridge door. "That's because you want me. I'm distracting."

"Did I mention he's narcissistic?'" Logan asked into the phone.

"I can't wait to hear more. It's nice to see you with a date, Logan."

"It's not a date."

"I hear it in your voice, honey. You're in love."

"Mom, we've only been on the phone for-Joseph, put those cookies back! Dinner's almost ready. See, Mom? It's like dating a child."

"I thought you weren't dating," Logan's mother teased.

Joseph snuck one cookie before putting the rest back, blatantly eating it in front of Logan.

"I'm gonna let you go, honey. Call me tomorrow and tell me everything, okay? And let yourself have fun. You deserve someone special in your life."

"I know." Logan sighed, reaching out a hand and smiling when Joseph stepped forward to slide an arm around his waist and hug him close. "I'm hoping this goes somewhere."

"It won't if you don't let it."

"There's more to it than that. Love you, Mom. Talk to you tomorrow."

"Bye, Mom!" Joseph called out. "Can't wait to meet you someday!"

Logan disconnected the call and went to push Joseph away, but Joseph's arms tightened around him and he let it happen. He snuggled in closer to Joseph. "Now my mom's going to gang up on me, too. Thanks."

"That was the point. And I really do want to meet your mom."

"I know. You might someday."

"I'm hoping. And I'm hungry, is dinner ready?"

"Maybe. Back off and let me check."

Logan got Joseph talking a little more about the other guys at the house during dinner, and though Joseph hadn't spent a lot of time with them he had already decided on who he liked and didn't like. Logan was learning that about Joseph, that he went with his gut and made decisions quickly regarding who to trust. It was possible that living on the streets, if he had indeed done so, had given him this trait.

When Joseph paused after describing a guy named Jack that he wasn't fond of, Logan set down his fork on his now-empty plate and asked, "Why me? What is it about me that you like so much? Is it just because I was nice? Because I cared when no one else seemed to?"

Joseph sat back in the chair, resting his forearms on the kitchen table as he gave the question some thought. "It's...I don't really know. It's everything. I never questioned it, never stopped to wonder why. You're just...I mean, you're cute, there's that. Remember the night we met and I said there was someone who made me realize I was gay? That was you. Because I looked up and I was scared, I was so lost and scared, and when I looked up we just stared at each other and your eyes...I felt this...I can't explain it, Logan. And then you started talking and I felt...I didn't want you to leave. Not just because I was scared. It's just you. I know you don't believe me but I really think there's no one else in my life. Not like you."

Though the words had touched him deeply, Logan said, "You can't know that, though."

"I know," Joseph nodded. "I'm just telling you what I feel."

After staring at Joseph in silence for a minute, Logan asked, "Want to go watch T.V.? We've got about an hour before I have to start thinking about taking you home."

Joseph's eyes burned into Logan in a way that had him wondering if he was making a mistake, but when Joseph raised his long body out of the chair and held out a hand to Logan, he took it and allowed Joseph to lead him out to the living room, where the television was still playing. Joseph settled into a corner of the couch before pulling Logan down. Logan immediately snuggled up against him, long arms wrapping around to keep him close.

"What do you want to watch?" Joseph asked, kissing the top of Logan's head.

"Doesn't matter. Whatever you want." All that mattered was making this last, shutting out the world that would come crashing in eventually. Joseph hadn't brought up the news interview again, and Logan didn't intend to tonight. For tonight, there was only the two of them and the feelings they kept a tight rein on as the images flew past on a flat screen.

* * *

Joseph grabbed his hand as Logan pulled up in front of the house. "Walk me to the door?"

"Not sure that's a good idea."

Letting go of Logan's hand, Joseph said, "No? It's better to be here in a dark car where I can attack you with no one seeing?"

Logan laughed, giving in. "Okay, you win." But as he unbuckled his seatbelt, Joseph laid a hand on his arm.

"I never did get that friendship kiss. You know, my reward for making it through the appointment."

Logan met his eyes, hearing the plan behind the words and knowing this would be the time Joseph played dirty; this time Joseph would use that sneaky part of him Suzie had mentioned. His heart started beating harder, and he knew he couldn't allow it. True, they already couldn't keep their hands off each other, but he still felt that a real kiss would be his undoing because once sex entered the picture, Logan couldn't protect his heart anymore. He offered his cheek. "Go for it."

He sensed the wheels turning in Joseph's mind, the attempt to somehow capture Logan's lips instead on his mind, but in the end he simply leaned over and kissed Logan's cheek. He let his lips linger, trailing them down slowly before pulling back, sending shivers through Logan. Logan licked his lips as Joseph leaned over to exit the car, wondering how Joseph affected him so deeply, and then he stepped out as well.

Joseph waited for him on the grass, a hand held out. Logan smiled at him and instead slid his arm around Joseph's waist, laying his head on Joseph's chest as they walked.

"Thanks for dinner," Joseph said softly.

"Thanks for joining me. I'm proud of you for getting through today."

"Dinner again tomorrow?"

"Yes, but I won't be here until after six and our time will be short. I'm off the next day, though."

"Really?" Joseph favored him with a grin as they stopped on the porch, which was lit by a bulb above. "Does that mean I get you for a whole day again?"

"If you want me, sure."

"Duh, Logan," Joseph chuckled, then smiled at him before pulling him close in an embrace. "Always want you."

The feelings were overwhelming tonight in a way they hadn't been before, Logan's body a taut wire as Joseph held him. He allowed it anyway, savoring the hard body against his and the lips hovering over his ear. Taking a breath and bracing himself, Logan lifted his head to meet the gaze burning into him. He saw it in Joseph's eyes, saw them trailing over his face to his lips and the need Joseph was keeping reined in so tight, and his resolve started to slip. He let out a soft, frustrated whine, Joseph's right hand coming up slowly to cup his cheek and tilt his face. A thumb ran over his bottom lip before Joseph started to lower his face, Logan caught in the tractor beam and unable to think.

The door was suddenly flung open and they both jumped, startled. Logan thought his heart had been beating hard before but it was nothing compared to the galloping in his chest as he stepped back from Joseph, who looked as if he was about to cry. _So close_, his eyes said. _ I was so close._

"It's nine o' clock now."

Finally Logan took the time to glance to his left, and of course it was Patrick standing there with arms crossed over his chest. "I know how to tell time, Patrick," Logan glared, an unreasonable dislike of this man growing in him with each passing second.

"I'll be right in," Joseph said to him with a smile. "Promise."

It was the sort of tone Logan would use with Joseph, gentle and comforting, and it was almost enough to send Logan into a rage. Who the fuck did this guy think he was?

Patrick's eyes shifted between them before he turned away, leaving the door open, and there was nothing shy in the way he hovered just out of eyesight. It was almost predatory.

Logan warred with himself, tempted for a second to drag Joseph back home with him but he knew he couldn't, he knew Joseph had to follow the plans laid out by social services. "Really hate that guy," he whispered, Joseph laughing before hugging Logan to him.

"Be nice, he's had a rough life. Stop being jealous, you're the only one I want."

_For now._Logan couldn't deny that Patrick was gorgeous, though nowhere near Joseph's level in his mind. "Text me when you wake up?"

"And before bed tonight." Joseph kissed his cheek, Logan lifting up slightly to return the gesture and squeezing him tight before stepping back.

"Oh, wait! Almost forgot."

"What?"

"Here." Logan pulled out his wallet and slid out some cash, pressing it into Joseph's hand.

"What's this?"

"I wanted you to have some money. Just in case. I don't like the thought of you with nothing. Always be prepared."

"Logan, I can't take this," Joseph argued.

"Do it for me, so I feel better."

"But there's a hundred dollars here!" Joseph hissed.

"Just keep it, okay? Hold on to it. You'll need money for the bus and stuff anyway."

"No, it's free for me, I can't-"

"Please, Joseph? For my peace of mind."

"But...Logan...I can't..." Seeing that Logan wasn't going to budge, Joseph sighed and said, "I'll pay you back, I swear."

"Don't worry about it right now. Just..." Sensing Patrick still near even though he could hear nothing except a game show on a television inside the house, Logan lifted his lips to Joseph's neck and kissed it, lingering in a way that made Joseph's breath catch.

"Logan," Joseph whispered, fingers digging into Logan's sides. "I can only take so much before I break," he breathed.

Patrick stepped up to the door again. "It's way past nine now."

Stricken with an almost uncontrollable urge to attack Joseph's lips and claim his territory, Logan beat the temptation down and told himself he was being ridiculous. He still didn't trust Patrick, though, no matter what Joseph said. "I'm sorry," he sighed into Joseph's ear. "I'll try not to be so..."

"You?" Joseph joked. "Kind of hard not to be perfect when you're Logan Mitchell."

"Joseph..." When Joseph said things like that, Logan wondered what was wrong with himself that he wasn't grabbing on to this man with both hands and holding on forever.

"It's true," Joseph added. "I can't wait until the day-"

"Patrick, has Joseph come in yet?" Trevor's voice brought the situation home to them.

"He's out here kissing Logan."

"What? We were not kissing!" When Trevor stepped into view, Logan said, "We did not kiss, Trevor! I swear!"

"I told you, what you two do outside this place isn't my concern, but on the property-"

"We didn't, though!"

"Come on inside, Joseph. It's after nine."

Logan watched Joseph pocket the money he was still holding, then gave him one more brief squeeze as Joseph leaned down for a cheek kiss. "Call me when you get home?" Joseph asked.

"I will. Goodnight."

"Night."

There was one last smile before Joseph closed the door, the longing in bright hazel eyes a match to what Logan was feeling. One night in those arms, Joseph holding him tight...it was a throbbing inside Logan that stayed with him even after he'd arrived back at his apartment, which had never seemed like an empty place before. Now that Joseph had been in it, his ghost remained to slip wispy fingers over Logan's body and leave Logan wanting so many things he didn't even know where to start.

_By backing off. That's where you can start. You think this is hard on you? Imagine how the sex fiend feels, having you so close and touching him but not the way he wants. Remember that look in his eyes. Remember that you almost let him kiss you. A kiss is the gateway to so much more and you can't let him do that, he'll hate himself for it when he's reunited with his memory and loved ones. You can't do this, Logan._

Besides. One kiss and you're done for. You let him kiss you, your heart is gone. Kissing has always been your weakness.

Sitting down at the table with a glass of milk and a few cookies, Logan remembered his first kiss and how scared he'd been, mostly because it had been with a guy and he was just coming to terms with his sexuality. Kendall, the one real friend he'd ever had, had been hinting at it for a few weeks with that shy way of his that only came out when he was nervous about something, and it had been Logan who'd finally made it happen. They'd kissed for a good hour, the first for both of them, and Logan recalled how he'd surprised them both by turning into an animal once the nerves wore off. Kendall had moved away a few weeks later, the planned move being what had spurred Logan to kiss Kendall in the first place before he lost the chance forever, but in that few weeks they'd done their fill of kissing.

Looking back now, Logan saw it for what it had been, two young boys curious and exploring things for the first time, and he'd never wondered what might have happened had Kendall stayed. Even though Kendall had wanted to try for a long distance thing, that had lasted all of two weeks after he moved, and then he'd met some boy at his new school who took up all his time. He and Logan still exchanged Christmas cards and Logan kept up with him on Facebook when he could find the time to log on, but otherwise they didn't really talk. He knew Kendall was heavily involved with a guy he'd been dating for years and that Kendall seemed happy, and that was what mattered to Logan.

He wondered now what Kendall would have to say about Joseph. Kendall would undoubtedly tell him to take that step, to claim Joseph now before the chance was gone because "a life without risk is a life unlived." That had always been Kendall's thing and in the six months they'd hung out together, Logan had heard that plenty. He'd only once taken the advice, and ironically it had led him to kiss Kendall.

This was about more than Logan, though, or even just Joseph. This could potentially hurt others and he wasn't willing to risk that. With a deep sigh he pulled out his phone, hating that he was a little bit disappointed by the lack of a text from Joseph. _You said you'd call him, he has no reason to text you._

It was after nine-thirty, so they could only talk for a short while, but it was a talk they sorely needed to have.

The phone rang in his hand and he chuckled, even through his heavy heart. "Hey," he said in greeting.

"Hi. I missed you and couldn't wait. We have less than half an hour."

"I know," Logan sighed, leaning back in the kitchen chair and stretching his legs out. "Everything okay there?"

"Yeah, just hanging out in my room. I signed myself in, Trevor said that was fine as long as you signed me out."

"Makes sense, I guess." After an awkward pause, Logan started with, "Joseph, we need to talk about what happened tonight."

"You mean what _almost_happened."

"Yes. We came too close. I know we didn't really set up any specific boundaries, but the kissing...that's my line that I can't cross. We need to lay down some rules. For both of us."

"I know. And I'm sorry, I just...it was there. It was perfect. You felt it, too, right? Because I could swear you were about to let it happen."

"I was. But we can't...as much as I want to..."

"I know. The thing is, though..."

Joseph sounded uncomfortable and hesitant, and Logan never wanted Joseph to feel that way when speaking to him. This was exactly why it was best to keep romance out of this for now. "Go ahead. Say what you're thinking."

"It's just really hard, Logan. Being near you and not...you know. Tonight almost killed me when you kissed my neck."

"I'm sorry, I don't know what-"

"It's okay, I liked it, but I can't keep getting that close to you without doing something about it. I'm gonna snap."

Logan ran a hand through his hair, suddenly restless and frustrated. "I know." He stood up from the table to pace the kitchen. "It's best if we just don't touch from now on. When you step up behind me and hug me...I don't know why but that's some sort of weakness with me. I can't fight you. I'm sorry that I have to try, that I won't give on this, but I just can't. I'm sorry," he said again. "I want to, so much more than I can say."

"I know you do, I feel it. I see it. But if you're not going to give in-"

"I'm not."

"Then we have to do something. Because I'm going crazy."

"I am, too," Logan sighed. He stopped pacing to lean back against a counter. "So let's make a pact. Right now. No more touching."

"That's a little much, don't you think? We can still hug."

"Okay, hugging is fine. I like hugging you."

"Good," Joseph agreed. "What else is okay?"

"Nothing should be. But I really liked cuddling on the couch."

"Yeah, that was nice," Joseph smiled.

"We didn't have any problems with that. We were able to just sit together and watch T.V. It was relaxing."

"Yeah. So that's okay?"

"I suppose," Logan conceded. "I think where we get into trouble is lips."

"Don't you dare take those friendship kisses away."

Logan laughed at Joseph's indignation at the idea. "No, those are fine. But when you kiss my forehead or my hair or...anything else, really—that's when I can't stand it. And when you kiss my cheek it has to be quick. None of that lingering crap. And don't even think about turning your head at the last minute so I kiss your lips!"

Now it was Joseph who laughed hard. "You knew I was planning that?"

"I know you, sneaky boy," Logan grinned. "Better than anyone else in this world right now."

"Which is why I can't lose you," Joseph replied, suddenly serious. "Whatever it takes. If I have to wait and not kiss you, that's what I'll do. But you have to play fair and not attack my neck again."

"Deal. Tonight was just weird in general, feelings all over the place and Patrick and-"

"Will you stop worrying about him? Do I really have to tell you again it's you I want?"

Logan bit his lip, but then smiled. "I think you just did."

"Then believe it. He's nobody. I mean, a nice guy and someone I like, but he's not you."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yes." Logan pushed off the counter and nodded as if Joseph could see him. "I'm done being jealous."

"Good. So hugging and cuddling is okay but nothing else?"

"Cheek kisses are fine, too. But that's it."

"Alright."

"Hurry up and get your memory back so we can kiss, okay?"

"Working on it, damn!" Joseph chuckled. Once again when it died he grew serious, the softness of his tone surprising Logan. "Hey."

"Yeah?"

"I love you. I know you don't want to hear that yet and I know you haven't made it that far yourself but I needed to say it. I can't say for sure that there isn't someone else out there I'm committed to, but I do know that much. I love you, Logan. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

The call was disconnected before Logan even had a chance to respond or react. He sat at the table in shock, numb except for his heart, which was thundering a mile a minute.

_Joseph. Oh, Joseph. You say something like that and hang on up on me?_

He supposed it was for the best, though. When Logan was able to function again, he checked his phone to see it was 9:59 P.M. His fingers flew and he sent the text just as the minute changed.

_"Someday."_


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the characters taken from Big Time Rush and placed into this story. I make no money off this.

**Author's Notes:**

I will probably regret posting this at 1 A.M. after working all night because I'm too tired to really give it a good editing, but I won't have time tomorrow so I want to do it now. I'm finally back in the groove on this story after being out of sync for a few weeks, so hopefully it will start flowing again. There are just too many distractions!

Much of this chapter is summary, so hopefully it's not too boring for that but things are starting to settle down for Logan and Joseph, at least temporarily. It won't last, but for now they're figuring out how they fit together and learning each other. It's hard, though, when neither of them knows for sure if it's going to be this way forever or if it's a temporary situation.

And thank you so much for the reviews. I know this one is frustrating, especially when it comes to the lack of giving in to their...desires, I guess you'd call it, but Logan is nothing if not cautious (or as cautious as he can be when faced with a James Diamond who has set his sights on Logan).

Another Jagan, yay! Or at least I'm excited, because we know I love Jagan. About a year ago I wrote a story for **kathrynew30**, it was a gift for our one-year friendiversary. The James Diamond in this story is taken directly from that one, though he suffered no amnesia in it. So for that reason, I dedicate this to Kathryn.

I also must dedicate it to **joyousbrokenthing**, who is entirely to blame for this being written at all. She tweeted me one night about a vision of Logan as a scientist building a robot James. This story is of course not that at all, but it got me thinking about a situation where Logan basically helps put James back together and within fifteen minutes I had this story pretty much written in my head. I wasn't planning to write a Jagan next, but it wouldn't leave me alone so here we are. Thanks a lot, Tammy. XD

**Aranelle** and **jdmazz** are helping to shape the direction of this story so much. I knew from the start where it was going, but they're helping me figure out how to get there and their feedback and advice has been invaluable. Seriously could not ask for better betas. I love you both so much.

* * *

Over the next few weeks, they settled into a routine. Logan would text Joseph each morning before work, Joseph would reply when he woke. Lunch hour was devoted to a phone call, where Joseph would relate to Logan how he'd spent the day (usually it was helping Trevor with projects around the house) while Logan did the same, and after work Logan would swing by Haven House to pick Joseph up for dinner. After the meal there was just enough time for cuddling on the couch as they watched television, surprisingly never fighting over who chose the channel—they would take turns. All too soon it was time to drive Joseph back and after a long hug coupled with their "friendship" kisses, they said goodnight only to spend another thirty minutes on the phone before Joseph's curfew kicked in.

Logan still felt as if they were being watched each time he walked Joseph to the door but Patrick was never in sight and since Joseph seemed to get along well with him, Logan kept his uneasy feelings to himself.

On Logan's days off he would rise early to pick Joseph up at seven, then they'd return to Logan's for breakfast and the planning of the day. If Joseph had an appointment they would allow for that, but otherwise they used the time to explore the wonders of Los Angeles together. Being so busy and having no one to experience it with, Logan had never toured the attractions; with Joseph he allowed himself to have fun and indulged Joseph's whims when he could. They discovered quickly that Joseph had a great love of older movies and music (he seemed to really enjoy anything from the '80's), and a trip to an actual record store in Hollywood jogged memories of his favorite films and songs, most of which Logan was unfamiliar with. Hours were then spent cuddling on the couch and watching movies as well, and even though he found himself rolling his eyes often at Joseph's ridiculous comments, those became Logan's favorite moments with Joseph.

Joseph was uncomfortable with Logan spending money on him after the initial week, but Logan figured he had nothing better to spend it on as Joseph's joy was a reward in itself. They argued over it more than once, Joseph attempting to give back the money Logan had pressed on him after their first home-cooked dinner together, but Logan was adamant that Joseph needed money of his own "just in case." This resulted in Joseph deciding he needed to find a job as soon as possible, so he threw himself into that when he was able to (usually in the afternoons after their lunch phone call) but began to get discouraged when he understood how difficult it was to be hired without any past or even a social security number. Amanda had warned him of this and stated she had a list of places he could try, but none of those places seemed to need an employee; everyone was cutting back. Though Logan continued to tell Joseph not to worry about the money, it wasn't something he was able to let go.

As for the DNA test, it had turned up nothing; both were grateful for that. Further research with the bus company led to a dead end, as the driver did recall seeing Joseph but couldn't remember where he got on the bus. The video cameras on it only kept a record for a week before being discarded, and they had just missed that cutoff.

Joseph continued to not bring up the idea of setting up the interview for the news station, surprising Logan. He had seemed so excited about being on television, and Logan knew he was anxious to remember his past. Logan too was anxious for this, but at the same time he had come to dread it, and for that reason he didn't mention it, either. As badly as they both wanted Joseph to remember, there was the fear of losing each other that held them back more than it should have.

The first real session with Dr. Coates went well in that Joseph was extremely susceptible to hypnosis. It didn't yield any immediate answers as to Joseph's identity, but Dr. Coates was hopeful that in time his mind would open its doors. After the third hypnosis session she invited Logan in and the three discussed his progress, which was minimal because as she explained, Joseph's brain was in control and "keeping things locked up tighter than Fort Knox." The sketchbook was helping a tad, Logan thought, because the shapes behind that fog Joseph kept drawing were slowly heading toward substantial symbols, though they were still murky enough to be a mystery.

There were a few moments of recollection, the most profound coming a few weeks into their new friendship. One night while they were watching television there was a preview for a movie that was being broadcast after the show, causing Joseph to suddenly sit up straight with wide eyes. Logan hadn't even been paying attention to the screen, he'd been enjoying the way Joseph's arms fit around him so perfectly and remembering their hug goodbye the night before when Joseph had whispered, "Just because I haven't said it in days, that doesn't mean I don't still plan to kiss you someday. It's gonna happen." Logan's lips curved up at the memory and then he was shoved away when Joseph had a flash.

"What's wrong?" Logan asked, knowing only one thing could cause Joseph to interrupt their cuddle time.

"I've seen that movie." Joseph was rigid next to Logan.

"Okay." Considering Joseph remembered plenty of movies, there was obviously more to it than that. "When?"

"I don't know. In a bar. I was in a bar. Logan, I was in a bar!"

"Okay, don't lose it! Sketchpad...sketchpad..." Where was the damn sketchbook?

"Daytime. It was daytime. Why was I watching a movie in a bar during the day?"

"Don't worry about that right now, just..." Finally Logan spied the sketchbook on the kitchen table in the next room. He jumped up to grab it and the pencils, then rushed back to Joseph. "Here. Draw it. Draw what you see."

Joseph's nimble fingers flew over the blank page as Logan watched and sure enough a bar setting emerged, drawn from the perspective of someone sitting on a stool at the bar itself. The detail of it amazed Logan, who was even able to vaguely make out the image on the television above the bar. Breathless, Logan sat near Joseph until it was done.

Joseph let out a harsh breath and rubbed a hand over his face, an actual sheen of sweat covering his forehead.

"You okay?" Logan asked softly, laying a hand on Joseph's arm.

"Yeah, just...wow. I was there. I was at a bar and it was daytime and I was eating strawberry ice cream. Who eats ice cream at a bar?"

Logan couldn't help but chuckle. "You do, because you're addicted to sweets. How does the memory feel? Remember Dr. Coates said that could give clues, too. Were you sad? Lonely? Happy?"

Joseph's eyes narrowed as he tried to recall the moment. "I was...enjoying the ice cream. Thinking about how good it was and..."

"And what?" Logan knew better than to push but he couldn't help himself.

Frowning before turning to Logan, Joseph replied, "I was hoping there would be more when I was done."

"Done?"

"Yeah."

"Done what?"

"I don't know. I just wanted there to be some left later."

"So..." Logan considered the words. "You were coming back to the bar after...something?"

"Maybe?" Joseph shrugged. "I have no idea. I hate this, why can't I remember?"

"Calm down." Without thinking, Logan twisted around to climb onto Joseph's lap, straddling his hips and pressing his palms to Joseph's chest. "This is a huge step. These flashes, with enough of them, will help us get there. You're doing great. Now, anything else? Were you...meeting someone there?"

"I don't know."

"Was it familiar, a place you'd been to a lot? Maybe you owned it? Worked there?"

"Logan, I don't know." He was annoyed and frustrated. "I don't fucking know, okay? I was happy. Happy about the ice cream. Like a little kid. It was the best ice cream I'd ever had."

"I bet you were making those orgasm noises," Logan smirked, relieved to bring a laugh from Joseph.

"Probably." Joseph made one suddenly, shocking Logan because he hadn't been expecting it and was watching Joseph's face closely. In a split second it had become the face of a man in ecstasy.

"Oh my god," Logan breathed, fingers curling to dig into Joseph's chest. He felt Joseph hardening beneath him, felt his own body responding in kind as Joseph's grip on his hips tightened. "Joseph...we need to..."

"Yeah." Licking his lips, Joseph pushed Logan gently away and off his lap. "Sorry, I didn't...I wasn't..."

"I know. Neither was I." Needing air, Logan stood up and moved toward the balcony, sliding the heavy door open and stepping into the chilly night to take deep, calming breaths.

When a warm body pressed against him, trapping him to the short wall, Logan let his head fall back onto Joseph's chest. Joseph's arms slid around his waist.

"I won't try anything, I just need—"

"I know. It's okay. I miss you, too."

So for a while they stood together staring out over the city that had somehow brought them together, both wishing for things they knew better than to ask for.

* * *

About three weeks after Joseph left the hospital, Logan began to notice a slight change in him. It wasn't even so much a change as a dulling, as if the glow that constantly surrounded Joseph was muted. He seemed to cling to Logan more desperately than before, wanting always to hold his hand at the very least and when they were alone he rarely left Logan's side, even accompanying him from room to room.

While Logan didn't mind the attention, it worried him because it seemed as if something in Joseph was dying. He asked a few times if Joseph was okay, if there was anything he needed, and Joseph would answer, "Just you." Logan also couldn't help but fear that Joseph had remembered something he was ashamed of and was afraid to lose Logan over it. Logan reminded Joseph that no matter what he remembered, he would not be abandoned, and Joseph would only nod before hugging Logan closer.

Thinking Faith might be able to shed some light on his behavior Logan cornered her in her office one morning and laid it out, counting on her objective logic to see what he hadn't been able to. She suggested he bring it up to Dr. Coates, which he'd been considering already, and said there was a real possibility Joseph had remembered things he didn't want to face. She reiterated that Logan needed to be careful because he'd obviously fallen in love and wasn't prepared for the possibility of Joseph emerging as a person he wouldn't want to associate with.

Logan did not deny any of this. When Faith asked why they hadn't set up an interview with a news station, he shrugged and said Joseph hadn't pressed the issue, so he hadn't either. Faith only sighed and shook her head.

When it got to the point Joseph rarely smiled, Logan knew something had to change. The smiles he did offer never reached his eyes, and one night they were cuddled up on the couch, Joseph's head resting against his shoulder while he held Joseph close, and Logan couldn't stand it anymore. He suddenly picked up the remote and shut the television off, startling Joseph into sitting up.

"It's not that late yet, are you taking me home already?" Panic surfaced in eyes that had become closer to green than brown, a fear that this was it, Logan had grown tired of him.

"No," Logan replied softly, pulling Joseph closer and onto his lap. Joseph settled onto it sideways, burrowing into Logan and clutching him tightly. "I'm worried about you."

"I'm fine. Just wish I could remember more. After that big flash, there's been nothing."

"Promise?"

Joseph stiffened, sitting up straighter to narrow his gaze at Logan, who met the stare. "You think I wouldn't tell you if I did?"

There was anger behind the words, and as much as Logan hated Joseph glaring at him like that, the fire in his eyes was welcome. "I think you're scared. Some nights you hardly even look at me, like you're hiding something. You don't let me out of your sight. I keep telling you you're not going to lose me. Even if you do turn out to be committed to someone else, I still want to be part of your life. If you want me to be."

"Of course I want you to," Joseph assured him immediately, a hand coming up to rest on Logan's cheek. "I still don't believe there's anyone else. No one could do to me what you do to me, and we haven't even kissed yet."

A part of Logan melted, and the resolve to keep from crossing that line crumbled a little more. "Something's changed, though. I see it in your eyes. You're never happy anymore, Joseph. Talk to me. Tell me what's going on."

"Nothing. There's nothing going on."

Still not satisfied because Joseph was once again avoiding his gaze, Logan let it drop anyway. Maybe if Joseph wouldn't open up to him, he'd open up to Dr. Coates. "You know you can tell me anything, right?" he asked now, wrapping his arms around Joseph and pulling him close.

"Yes," Joseph whispered, sounding close to tears, but since he wouldn't talk about it Logan couldn't help. All he could do was continue to hold Joseph tight, letting him know silently that he was safe.

* * *

That night when he walked Joseph to the door, Joseph held him in place long after he should have left, and it was Trevor coming to the door at 9:10 that broke them up. Logan apologized, hoping Trevor had noticed the change in Joseph as well and would understand that Joseph had needed to be held tonight. Trevor only nodded and gestured for Joseph to enter the house, and with sad eyes Joseph went. Logan had to fight himself harder than ever before to keep from dragging Joseph back out and to his home.

When the door closed he stepped back, and above him heard a shuffling sound. Glancing up quickly, he saw the shadow move away from a window above the walkway and it hit him then that Joseph's room was directly above. Had Patrick spied on them every night when Logan returned Joseph to the house? The idea sent a chill through him and he decided to mention it to Joseph, who had never been one to talk a lot about Patrick but hadn't even brought his name up once over the past week. When Logan asked Joseph about his day, Patrick was never mentioned and so Logan had assumed he was working.

Upon arriving back at his apartment, Logan wondered if he should let it drop. Joseph was obviously going through enough hell and didn't need to deal with his jealousy on top of it, but Patrick still made Logan uneasy. It couldn't hurt to mention that he'd caught Patrick spying, right?

When he got Joseph on the phone, Logan started with, "I miss you already."

He felt the smile that he knew widened Joseph's lips, but Joseph's voice was almost sad as he replied, "I know. I miss you, too. Saying goodnight is the hardest part of every day."

At the kitchen table as usual, Logan reached for a cookie from the plate before him. Joseph had helped him bake this batch and he thought they tasted better for it. "We get all day together tomorrow, though. There's that."

"Can't wait. I wish every day could-are you eating cookies? The cookies _I_baked?"

"You mean _we?_Yes, I am. Don't worry, there will be plenty left for you tomorrow. I was thinking we could go to the beach. We haven't done that yet and you said you love being there, right?"

"Really?" Joseph squealed. "The beach?"

Logan chuckled, relieved to finally hear some excitement. "Only if you want to," he teased. "If you'd rather not-"

"Shut up, you know I want to! I wonder if I know how to surf. I don't think I do."

"I don't, either. We can learn together. But we have to be back home in time for your appointment, so we'll get out there early. Would Trevor have a problem with me picking you up at six?"

"Let me go ask. Trevor!"

And then Logan heard Joseph running through the house, yelling for Trevor in excitement. He shook his head but was grinning, so glad he could do this for Joseph.

"Trevor! Logan wants to take me to the beach! Can he come earlier tomorrow, at six? Can he? Please?"

The reply was muffled, but Logan caught Joseph apologizing before he was back on the line. "Yes, he said it's fine as long as I don't go around yelling like this at six A.M."

"Yeah, that's probably a bad idea," Logan joked, and suddenly he ached to hold Joseph, to see those eyes light up in a way they hadn't in far too long. "So you'll be ready?"

"Of course! Wow, six. That's really early. But still, the beach! So worth it! I love you, Logan."

It wasn't said as a declaration but as an expression of his joy, but Logan responded with, "I love you, too, Joseph. Much more than I care to."

There was silence for a long moment, then "Couldn't you wait until I got back to the room to say something like that? What are you trying to do to me, give me a heart attack?"

"I'm sorry, would you like me to take it back?" Logan smiled.

"Don't you dare! Say it again. And mean it."

"Where are you?"

"Just got back to my room. Now say it."

"Is Patrick around?"

There was a pause before Joseph replied, "No. He's downstairs. Why?"

"I would just rather do this alone with you. I always feel like he's hovering."

"You're overreacting."

"It's not about being jealous, there's something weird about that guy."

"He's just lonely. He doesn't have anybody. I feel sorry for him."

How could Logan argue with that? It was the reason he'd befriended Joseph in the first place.

"I don't want him to come between us," Joseph begged. "Please, Logan. I promise you have my heart."

"I know that, it's just..." With a sigh Logan decided to drop it. Mentioning that he'd seen Patrick spying would only upset Joseph more, and make Logan look like a jealous boyfriend. "I'm going to say goodnight. You should get some sleep." There was no response. "Joseph? You there?"

"Yeah." Joseph was dejected and sad again, and Logan wished he'd never said a word about Patrick. "Night, Logan. I'll see you tomorrow."

Searching for something to say that would put a smile one Joseph's face, Logan grasped and came up blank. He'd ruined the moment. "Goodnight, Joseph. Be ready at six."

"I will."

Logan was reluctant to hang up the phone, needing to make Joseph smile before bed, and he realized then how much Joseph's happiness affected his own. One more sign he was far too deep into this. "Goodnight."

"Night," Joseph repeated, and finally he hung up.

Logan rose slowly from the table, dejected himself as he turned off the lights and made his way to the bedroom. He kept checking his phone as he went through his bedtime routine, hoping for the last-minute text that always came. True it was only 9:45, but...

_But we never hang up this early. We usually take it as close as we can to ten and then hang up, sometimes even going past ten until Patrick shows up in the room and he has to hang up fast. Damn you, Patrick. I really don't like you._

At 9:58 Logan slid under the covers, his phone nearby on the charger and silently mocking him. He caved and picked it up to send Joseph one more text saying goodnight; it was redundant but it was something, some connection to Joseph. He typed in the word, half expecting the phone to buzz in his hands as it always did when he first texted Joseph, but there was nothing. Before pressing "send" he debated and then added _"I love you."_

And then it hit him. He'd never repeated the words as Joseph had asked him to. Instead he'd brought up Patrick and argued about that rather than speaking the words Joseph had begged to hear and waited far too long for in the first place.

It was 9:59. He put a call through instead of sending the text, heart pounding. _Please answer. Please._

"Yeah?"

Not the excited greeting Logan usually got, and his heart cracked. "I love you."

Joseph gasped and Logan smiled. "Wanted to make sure you knew that before you went to sleep. I love you, Joseph."

After a muffled squeal, Joseph asked, "Why do you say these things at the worst times? I'm supposed to sleep now?"

There were times Joseph reminded Logan of a teenager, and while he had no doubt Joseph was at least twenty-one, it still made Logan wonder what made him so young at heart. What had Joseph lived through? "Sorry," Logan laughed. "But it needed to be said."

"I love you, too."

"You're smiling now, I can hear it."

"I can't stop smiling! Say it again."

"Joseph, it's after-"

"Just say it!"

"Fine! I love you."

"One more time."

"Joseph-"

"Just once more, promise! I'll let you go then but-oh, hey Patrick."

Logan's exhilaration dropped. It was ridiculous, but his enthusiasm dried up completely. This man who had a crush on his boyfriend got to do what Logan wasn't able to-he got to spend every night with Joseph.

_Boyfriend? Did you just call him a boyfriend in your head? No way. It stops there. Boyfriends kiss. You don't. And there's a reason for that. Knock it off._

"Logan?"

"I'm here."

"Patrick says goodnight."

Logan's lips twisted into a snarl.

"You could at least say goodnight back."

Knowing he was overreacting but unable to bring himself to be mature about it, Logan only replied, "Goodnight, Joseph. Six o' clock."

"Right. Night, Logan."

Ten minutes after they'd hung up Logan texted Joseph. Fuck the rules. _ "I love you."_

It was a full twenty minutes later when Joseph responded, and by then Logan's insides had run cold with visions of what might be keeping him distracted.

_"Love you. Night."_

* * *

For the duration of their beach date, Joseph seemed to be more his old self. He was like a kid in the ocean, splashing Logan and pulling him deeper into the water to dunk him but then dragging him up and into his arms, picking him up to toss him away as they both laughed. Logan got his revenge when he could, though, and by noon they were exhausted and ready for lunch. They ate at a nearby food stand before spending a few hours on a rented board, neither having any idea what to do but figuring it out as they went along.

At four o'clock Logan called a halt to the adventure, promising Joseph they would return on his next day off (and after he'd researched surfing for tips on how to actually_ do _it), and after rinsing off and doing a quick change they headed for Dr. Coates' office, barely making it in time.

Joseph was still in such a buoyant mood that he didn't even bat an eyelash when Logan requested to speak to Dr. Coates privately for a moment before sending Joseph in. It was a nice change from the paranoid, scared man who had first stepped into the office weeks ago.

Logan outlined his fears regarding Joseph, Dr. Coates sitting in her chair across from him and absorbing it all. She listened carefully, working out a plan of attack and finally assuring Logan she would dig to get him talking.

"Has he shown any of this to you?" Logan asked. "The depression?"

"No, he comes in here ready to remember. Yet whenever we try, he gets nowhere. Even the hypnosis doesn't seem to be doing much. I'm not giving up, though, I think I'm getting closer. He shows signs of distress when I ask certain questions."

"Which questions?" Logan wanted to know.

"Questions having to do with car crashes, and I did try to get him talking more about the bar. His brain closed right up and he started talking about the water."

"The water?"

"Yes. Apparently he loves water. Has memories of being in it and happy."

"Do you mean like...the ocean? We spent the day in the ocean, and you're right—he was like a kid. He was ecstatic."

"Maybe I should go with that for a bit, follow that line. I assumed it was his brain's way of diverting me, because he's a champion at that. Anything else he's remembered that I should know about?"

"No, not really. I thought maybe the beach would jog some memories but it didn't seem to. Mostly I was just happy to see him smiling again, so I didn't care."

Nodding, Dr. Coates stood. "Let's go get him."

Toward the end of the session Dr. Coates invited Logan back in. He slid into place next to Joseph on the couch, Joseph having lost some of that buoyancy but still smiling when Logan took his hand.

"Logan, you were correct in that Joseph is depressed, but it isn't just about losing his memory. Joseph," she prompted.

Joseph's eyes dropped and his cheeks reddened. Logan's stomach dropped as well as he realized what must be the problem—Joseph was depressed because he wouldn't take that step, wouldn't cross the line. He waited it out, though, until Joseph opened his mouth and spoke reluctantly.

"It's about the money."

"The...money?" Brows furrowing, Logan twisted sideways to study Joseph more closely. "What money?"

"I told you, I don't like you spending all this money on me. I have nothing to give back."

"But I told you it's no big deal. I don't mind it and-"

"I know, but...it makes me feel worthless. You're so amazing and you do so much for me and I can't do a damn thing for you."

"Joseph..." Sensing that Joseph was close to tears again, Logan pulled him close; Joseph snuggled into him, the tears starting to break free. "You do more for me than you could ever know. You give me a reason to get up every day. Something to look forward to outside of work. I never knew I was so lonely until I met you. You have to know how scared I am to lose you, right?"

"I do, but...you're so prepared for that. You keep me at such a distance that I already know when I remember, I'll probably lose you."

"I have to," Logan said softly. "I have to protect myself, Joseph. I'm not doing so well with it, I've fallen completely in love with you and-"

"So what does it matter then?" Joseph lifted his head, tears dripping slowly from his chin. "If you're already in love with me it's going to hurt anyway, right? All I'm asking is just a kiss!"

Heart screaming at him to give in, Logan shook his head. "But you don't understand that once I kiss you-"

"What? You'll fall in love? You just said-"

"It's more than that. For me, at least. A kiss may be just a kiss to you, but to me...I don't know. I can't explain it. It's a step that means forever. And you can laugh, because to most people a kiss is no big deal, but to me it's always been a big deal, at least after my first guy. I'm not saying you aren't worth forever, because you are. But you can't commit to me in that way right now, so I can't allow it to happen. Once I kiss you..." Logan repeated.

"I'm telling you, Logan, I know there's no one else! I just know!"

"What if you're wrong?" Logan argued. "How would you feel knowing you cheated on your boyfriend? I won't let you take that chance, I don't want you hating yourself for the rest of your life. Or hating me for it." When Joseph looked away, obviously biting back an argument, Logan added, "It's hard for both of us. But until we know for sure, I won't do it. I'm sorry."

Joseph stood up and left the room, Logan rising immediately to go after him but Dr. Coates grabbed his hand. "Let him go."

"But what if he takes off and-"

"He won't. He's not going to leave you."

Feeling like a monster, Logan sat back down and rubbed at his face. "You think I'm horrible for not giving in to him, don't you?"

"No, Logan. I think you holding out is the best thing for him right now."

Glancing up with wide eyes, Logan asked, "You do?"

"I do," she nodded. "It's giving him incentive to work harder. He wants that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow so badly. It's spurring him on."

"But he's not getting very far."

"Well, that's also because the other half of him is terrified that when he _does_ remember, he won't get that prize. He knows deep down you might be right, and he doesn't want to face that. What you two have now is something he doesn't want to see end."

"I don't either," Logan said softly, eyes on his clasped hands. He leaned forward, elbows on his knees, and sighed. "I'm as bad as he is. I want him to remember, but I'm terrified I'll lose him when he does."

"You can't let that hold his memories back, Logan."

"I'm not! I encourage it."

"I'm sure you do, but...don't let your feelings derail him. Stay strong because right now, that's the only thing he has to look forward to when this is over. He needs that push or he'll remain stagnant in this rut."

"But he hates me for not giving in."

"Just continue to let him know it isn't because you don't want to. Make sure he knows every second of every day how badly you want it as well." When Logan sighed again, she said, "About the money."

"Am I not supposed to pay for him, either?"

"No, I understand why you do. But he says there hasn't been any luck at all with finding a job?"

"None," Logan replied. "I know that's depressing him."

"He mentioned you gave him some money a few weeks back?"

"Yes, I wanted him to have something. I haven't asked, but I assume he still has it. Though I guess if he doesn't, he wouldn't ask me for more."

"Let him buy once in a while for dinner. Let him do something to feel like he's contributing. He needs that."

"He's not supposed to spend the money on me, though. It's for him."

"You said earlier that you don't mind spending money on him. Wouldn't you think he feels the same way? How do you feel when you're able to provide something that makes him smile?"

"Okay, I get it," Logan answered. "So let him buy for me sometimes?"

"It will help a lot, I think. Of course him finding a job would be the best solution, but apparently that's not happening."

"It's really hard for him without a social security card or birth certificate."

"What about volunteering somewhere? I know that wouldn't make him any money, but he might at least feel like he's contributing something to society."

"I hadn't thought of that. I guess it's worth looking into."

When Logan stepped out into the lobby, Joseph was seated in a chair with red-rimmed eyes. Logan held out a hand and Joseph rose, squeezing him in a hug so tight it threatened to crack his ribs.

"It's okay," he murmured. "I'm not going anywhere."

"I can't lose you," Joseph whispered. "I have nothing."

"You have me. Right here."

"Can we just go home? I don't even care about dinner, I just want to be alone with you."

"I know," Logan sighed. It was all he wanted, too.

* * *

Rather than cook, Logan ordered pizza. He offered to allow Joseph to pay for it, remembering what Dr. Coates had suggested, but was surprised when Joseph suddenly looked scared and started stammering.

"Did you...spend the money?" Logan asked. "If you did, it's fine, I gave it to you for that purpose."

"I um...yeah. Had to buy some things. Groceries for the house, I mean, I _do_ eat there."

"It's fine, Joseph." Logan smiled and pulled Joseph closer by the hand until they were pressed against each other. "Would I be yelled at if I offered more?"

"No, I don't need any. I have some."

"Okay. But please, if you get low, tell me. We have enough going on that we don't need to fight about money. Has Trevor said anything about lifting that rule that you can't go anywhere without me?"

"No, but I haven't brought it up. I was thinking about it, though. Some days I want to get out of that house."

"I thought you liked it there."

"It's okay. I'd rather be here."

"I know," Logan replied, arms going around Joseph. "I'd rather that, too. But..."

"Yeah. Amanda called me today. I have my evaluation next week, to see where I stand with social services. I told her how hard it's been finding a job and she said she understood but I still feel like a failure."

"You're not. You're perfect."

Pulling back enough to look Logan in the eyes, Joseph obviously wanted nothing more than to kiss Logan. His gaze was sad, though, because he knew it wasn't going to happen. "So we have almost two hours, can we watch T.V. together?"

"Of course. It's what we always do," Logan smiled.

"My favorite part of every day."

"Mine, too."

A knock on the door was the signal that dinner had arrived, and after that they set aside the heavy subjects to enjoy each others' company for what remained of their time together.

About an hour later Logan was once again content in Joseph's arms, eyes on the screen but mind on how much he never wanted this to end, when Joseph jolted and sat up straight. Logan immediately reached for the sketchbook and shoved it into Joseph's hands.

The pencils glided over the paper in a frenzy, a view of the ocean emerging. There were boats passing under a large red bridge with cars driving over it, and Logan's breath caught because as Joseph put the final touches on the bridge, he recognized it.

Joseph had drawn the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco.


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the characters taken from Big Time Rush and placed into this story. I make no money off this.

**Author's Notes:**

Thank you so much for the reviews. I know this one is frustrating, especially when it comes to the lack of giving in to their...desires, I guess you'd call it, but Logan is nothing if not cautious (or as cautious as he can be when faced with a James Diamond who has set his sights on Logan).

Another Jagan, yay! Or at least I'm excited, because we know I love Jagan. About a year ago I wrote a story for **kathrynew30**, it was a gift for our one-year friendiversary. The James Diamond in this story is taken directly from that one, though he suffered no amnesia in it. So for that reason, I dedicate this to Kathryn.

I also must dedicate it to **joyousbrokenthing**, who is entirely to blame for this being written at all. She tweeted me one night about a vision of Logan as a scientist building a robot James. This story is of course not that at all, but it got me thinking about a situation where Logan basically helps put James back together and within fifteen minutes I had this story pretty much written in my head. I wasn't planning to write a Jagan next, but it wouldn't leave me alone so here we are. Thanks a lot, Tammy. XD

**Aranelle** and **jdmazz** are helping to shape the direction of this story so much. I knew from the start where it was going, but they're helping me figure out how to get there and their feedback and advice has been invaluable. Seriously could not ask for better betas. I love you both so much.

* * *

Logan could hear the heavy beating of his heart over the television. He stared at the drawing, a roaring in his ears because this was a step that could, and probably would, change everything.

"What do you remember?" he whispered.

Joseph set the pencils aside and stared down at the book, eyes narrowing in concentration. "I was cold."

"Okay."

"I was wishing I'd brought a jacket, but I hadn't planned to go to the beach."

Joseph seemed to remember a bit more this time. Heart still beating, Logan asked, "Where were you going to instead?"

"I don't know. I was...wow. I was crying."

"On the beach?"

"Yes. I was crying and I pretty much hated myself." Joseph began to tremble slightly as the memory took hold.

"But you don't know why, do you?" Logan questioned.

"No. I remember..."

"What?"

"Give me a second." Rising from the couch, Joseph paced the living room. Logan shut off the television. "I was thinking...the bridge. Something about the bridge."

"What about it?"

"I wanted to go on it. I don't know why."

A chill ran through Logan. "And you were hating yourself?"

"I had done something I wasn't proud of, maybe. I don't know, I just...Logan, oh my god, I wanted to die. I hated myself."

Immediately Logan was there, Joseph's entire body quaking now as Logan wrapped him up tight. "It's okay. Let it come."

"That's it, there's nothing more, I just wanted to die and I was freezing and I hated myself and...what did I do? What did I do that was so horrible?"

"I don't know," Logan replied softly, still holding Joseph tight. "It couldn't have been that horrible if the police weren't searching for you, right? They would have been if you'd hurt someone or committed a crime." The idea of this man hurting someone was almost laughable. Then again, he'd been reminded time and again that Joseph's current personality may be nothing like his former one.

"What if no one knew what I did? What if-"

"Stop. You can't think like that. If you did hurt someone, we'll face it when the time comes. But until you know that's the case, don't make yourself crazy wondering about it. Just deal with what you do remember. Which is a bar in San Francisco."

"San Fran—what?" Joseph stood up straight, away from Logan. "San Fran?"

"Yes," Logan said, biting his bottom lip. "That's the Golden Gate Bridge, Joseph. We uh...have a location."

"Oh." Joseph seemed to think harder, trying to track down something, anything, that he might know about San Francisco. "If I was there why don't I remember it? I mean...hang on." Pacing again, he ran a hand through his hair while Logan watched.

Suddenly cold himself even though there was no reason to be, Logan picked up the blanket they sometimes used on the couch and wrapped it around himself. He was restless, couldn't seem to relax, and was it any wonder? This might be it.

"Okay," Joseph finally said, stopping his momentum.

"Okay what?"

"Okay, I remember bits of San Fran. There was a park I liked to run in."

"A park. Okay, wow. You seem to like running in parks. Do you remember the name of it?"

"No. I'd probably know it if I saw it, though."

"Where's your notebook? Not the pad, but the notebook."

"In the kitchen."

Logan retrieved it, then sat down on the couch with a pen, the blanket still wrapped around him. He found a blank page and wrote the words "San Francisco," "Golden Gate Bridge," and "park." Then he added "bar" to it. "What else?"

"I had...a bike?"

"You remember that?"

"I think? It was...hold on. I remember riding a bike around the city. To and from the park."

"Okay." Logan added that. "Anything about where you lived?"

"No. I've been trying to think, but...no."

"Was there...I mean, do you feel there was um...you know."

"What, Logan?" Joseph seemed frustrated.

Fighting with himself, Logan finally asked, "Was there someone special in your life?"

"I don't think so. I can't say for sure, but it doesn't feel like it. I keep telling you, Logan, I'd know if there was."

"But you wouldn't."

"Can we not argue about this right now? I know what I know, and one day you'll know it, too. I want to just..." Joseph sighed and joined Logan on the couch, snuggling under the blanket when Logan lifted it.

"Just what?"

"Just...forget that feeling. I don't ever want to feel that way again. Make it stop," Joseph whispered, and then Logan tossed aside the notebook and pen to scoop Joseph up and onto his lap. Joseph was still trembling slightly, and Logan soothed him until he relaxed, hands running over his back and lips pressing to his face and hair. "You make me feel so safe. I just want to stay here forever."

Heart squeezing, Logan hugged Joseph tighter. "I know. I want the same thing. But you have to remember."

"I'm trying. I just did. What do we do now?"

"Well, I guess first we have to call Detective Monroe. I'm not sure what all he can do from here to dig, but he might be able to find something. And then we'll probably have to take a trip to the city itself." When Joseph shivered, Logan added, "Which terrifies you." Joseph only nodded. "There's no other way, Joseph. Eventually you'll remember everything, we might as well face it now."

"I'm not allowed to stay out overnight, you know that. I can't go to San Francisco."

"I'm not worried about that. You can't use that as an excuse to keep from going. Besides, we can fly there and back in a day. It's not far."

Joseph huddled in closer, arms around Logan's waist and his face pressed to Logan's neck.

"Is that all?" Logan asked softly. "Was there nothing else you remembered?"

"No, just...the park. I see flashes of it in my mind. Like I see the city, that's how I know I was on a bike. And that it was something I did often."

"The park or the bike?"

"Both. In fact, I'm going crazy without it. I just realized that. I need something, even if it's just to run through a park a few times a week. Can we do that?"

"Talk to Trevor, ask him about getting out on your own. But yes, on my days off we can do that. Of course, this entire discussion might be worthless. We might go to San Francisco and find your life, and then you won't even have to worry about asking Trevor anything."

Fingers clawed into Logan's back as terror gripped Joseph.

"I won't abandon you," Logan whispered, kissing Joseph's hair again.

"If I have a life there, one I have to return to..."

"You don't have to do anything. Not unless there's someone else involved, then I would understand. In fact, even if there isn't you might remember everything and miss it, realize that you had an amazing life and want it all back. And if you do, that's totally fine."

"No, it isn't. It sucks and you'd miss me like crazy."

Logan's smile was bittersweet. "I would, but I'm prepared for it. Whatever happens, I love you and I will always cherish this time we had together."

"Stop talking like that, I hate it when you do that. I'm not leaving you."

Joseph's annoyance was a sign the fear had receded. Logan lifted Joseph off his lap and reached into his pocket for his phone. "I'm calling Monroe. We'll go down tomorrow after I get off work, okay?"

Sighing but knowing better than to argue, Joseph nodded. "I need a cookie."

"Take the bag with you tonight," Logan offered. "You deserve it." Then he was leaving a message for Detective Monroe, letting him know Joseph had remembered living in San Francisco and that they'd be in the next day to discuss everything.

* * *

Joseph was unnaturally quiet on the drive home, Logan letting him sink into his own thoughts but keeping an eye on him. He was worried the depression was returning, and Joseph's memories of wanting to die scared him because Joseph had obviously attempted it at some point. He wondered briefly if he should speak to Patrick about keeping an eye on Joseph, because as much as he hated that guy, he hated even more the idea of Joseph being alone in this state.

"So uh...how are you and Patrick getting along? You don't talk about him much anymore."

Disbelief showed in the hazel eyes that swung Logan's way. "Are you serious?"

"What?"

"You're bringing that up now? Like I don't have enough to be stressed out about?"

"Joseph, I was just wondering-"

"I really can't handle this right now, Logan. Don't make me talk about Patrick right now."

"Okay," Logan said hesitantly, surprised because while he understood that Joseph had a lot on his mind, he hadn't asked in a jealous way and wasn't in fact asking out of jealousy at all. "I was only hoping you two were getting along so that you have a friend when I'm not around."

The disbelief changed to fear, and Logan was baffled. "Joseph, I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be-"

"Just stop. Just...I can't talk about Patrick right now."

"Fine. Okay." Letting it drop, Logan allowed Joseph to return to silence, but why the hell did talking about Patrick upset Joseph so much? There must be something, Patrick had to be bothering Joseph in some way. Logan's desire to punch the guy intensified.

As they stepped up the walk toward the house, Logan couldn't help glancing up at Joseph's bedroom window. He saw no one there but it was dark in the room, so that didn't mean anything. Patrick could easily be hiding in the shadows.

His attention was drawn back to Joseph by a quiet, "Night, Logan. Thanks for the beach."

Logan noticed then how fragile Joseph was in this moment. His eyes were both sad and scared, his shoulders slumped, his hands shoved into his pockets. "It's gonna be fine," Logan soothed, pulling Joseph into his arms. Joseph wasn't shaking this time, he felt more like dead weight in Logan's arms. "Why do you seem like someone who's given up? It's like you're waiting for the hammer to fall."

"Because this is it. Everything's going to change. I don't want to lose you."

Having heard those words so many times before, Logan didn't argue this time. He reassured Joseph with what he could, his touch, as he held Joseph tight. "Do you want me to call and see if we can set up an extra appointment with Dr. Coates tomorrow?"

"No, we're going to the police station after you get off work, right?"

"Yes, but I can leave work for a few hours to take you to see her. I think you need-"

"No. You've missed enough work over me."

"I don't mind."

"I know, but you need to focus on your job. I can't take up all your time."

"You're a worthy cause," Logan smiled, Joseph's lips widening into a grin, and Logan's mouth was halfway to his before he realized what he was doing. It had felt so natural, lifting his face for a kiss, and when he stopped he saw the disappointment in Joseph's eyes but Joseph said nothing.

_You are not going to last much longer, Logan. You'll kiss him without even meaning to. And then you'll be utterly and completely screwed._

_Like I'm not already?_

"I love you," Logan said softly, the words causing Joseph's eyes to fall closed. He lowered his forehead to rest against Logan's, lips brushing so close to Logan's that one tiny shift in the right direction would bring them together. For the first time, Logan's willpower crumbled completely because he needed it so badly, or maybe because he felt time was running out, and he let his lips rub over Joseph's. A quietly desperate sound left Joseph but then he stepped back forcefully, chest heaving as he stared down at the ground.

Shocked and more than a little hurt, Logan stood frozen. He'd been about to do it, had finally stopped fighting, and Joseph had been the one to back away. When Joseph looked up, it was to meet confused brown eyes.

"I'm sorry," Joseph whispered.

"It's okay, I understand." Because when Logan thought about it, he did. It wasn't that Joseph didn't want him; the desperate sound he'd made was enough to show Logan that, as was the tortured expression currently on Joseph's face. It was simply that things had changed. They were on the verge of a breakthrough, possibly even a break-up (could you really break up with someone you were never dating in the first place?), and now Joseph understood why Logan had held back all this time. It would be worse to have had it and then lose it than to wonder what you might be missing. Neither doubted that once they had it, they wouldn't want to lose it.

"I'm sorry," Joseph repeated, clutching tight as he wrapped his arms around Logan. "I'm so sorry." He was once again on the verge of tears and Logan thought he might do anything to make them stop, to make Joseph smile and the pain go away. He opened his mouth, suddenly knowing that Joseph belonged with him, in the apartment that had become theirs, and that what Joseph needed was to be away from this place.

Just as quickly he closed it, the words of both Faith and Dr. Coates stopping him. If he gave in now, he would be in so deep there was no hope of returning once Joseph was gone. He would probably spend the rest of his life pining for a man who used him when he had no one else (not that Logan minded being used or believed Joseph had done it intentionally), and he would compare every other man to this one. Every single one would fall short, because no one was like Joseph David. For his own sanity he kept his mouth shut, except to say again, "I love you."

"I love you, too," Joseph replied, voice choked. "If you don't believe anything else I've ever said to you, believe that."

"I do." Logan was about to add more when the front door swung open. _ Fucking Patrick, I swear to-_

But when Logan turned, it was Trevor in the doorway and he didn't look pleased. "Joseph. It's 9:07. We've talked about the rules."

"I know, I'm sorry, it's just-"

"He remembered some things today," Logan interrupted. "Big things."

"Be that as it may, we've discussed the importance of rules. Joseph has been arriving late every night for the past two weeks."

"It's my fault. I'll make sure he gets home on time from now on."

Seeming to ignore Logan's words, Trevor stepped back and motioned for Joseph to enter the house. Logan couldn't stand to see him so defeated as he walked through the door. "Goodnight, Joseph. Call me."

"Yeah. Night."

The door was closed and Logan thought that too many more goodbyes like this would break him.

He looked up at Joseph's window again, not seeing anyone but somehow feeling in his bones that Patrick was there and looking right back at him. He waited a full five minutes for the light to come on, showing that Joseph had entered the room, but it never came so he finally drove away, suddenly in a hurry to get Joseph on the phone.

* * *

A call was put through the moment Logan stepped out of his vehicle, the phone ringing against his ear as he made his way up the stairs to his apartment. There was no answer, and it eventually went to voicemail.

Now concerned and imagining all sorts of horrible visions, Logan called again. What if there was abuse of some kind going on? Would Joseph tell him? Logan had a hard time seeing Trevor take part in that, or even allowing it, but Joseph's depression had to be stemming from somewhere. He believed Joseph's discomfort over the money situation, but it seemed each night left Joseph more sad when they parted.

The fourth time Logan called there was finally an answer, which was good because by that time Logan had returned to his car and climbed back in; he would beat down the door if he had to in order to make sure Joseph was safe.

"Hey, I'll call you in a few minutes."

"Joseph, what's going on? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, we'll talk in a minute. Promise."

"Okay, just-"

Joseph hung up and Logan felt as if he'd been slapped. He sat in the car, torn between the need to drive back there and trusting in Joseph.

_He said he'd call. Just relax. He's fine._

At 9:50 Logan still hadn't heard anything, and his imagination kicked into overdrive. He turned on the car just as his phone rang, and with a sigh of relief he shut it off while answering. "Talk to me. What's going on?"

"I got a final warning."

"A final...what? What are you talking about?"

"For coming in late and using my phone after the curfew."

Dumbfounded, Logan was silent as his brain worked to catch up.

"Logan?"

"Yeah, just...a _final_warning? Have there been others?"

"Yes," Joseph replied with a sigh. "I didn't want to tell you but-"

"Joseph, you _have_to tell me! I would've been more careful. Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I like talking to you and you would've hung up sooner."

"Joseph..." Suppressing the urge to pull his hair out, Logan banged his head back into the seat. "You have to be honest with me."

"I didn't lie, I just didn't tell you."

"That constitutes lying. What else are you not telling me?"

"Nothing. Why do you assume there's something?"

"Because now I know you've been hiding something from me. Is there anything else I need to know?"

After a hesitation that caused Logan's heart to sink, Joseph answered, "No."

_Shit. _Making sure his voice was non-threatening, Logan asked, "Did you remember anything you're not telling me?"

"No, Logan! I swear I didn't remember anything else! I wouldn't lie to you about that!"

"How am I supposed to believe that? You lied to me about this!"

"I just hate having to say goodbye to you, knowing I won't see you again until the next night. Is that wrong?"

Frustrated, Logan sighed. "Of course not, I hate it, too. But Joseph-"

"Logan, please," Joseph begged. "Not tonight, please I don't want to fight with you tonight. I don't know how much longer I'll have you and I can't...I just want you to tell me you love me tonight." Joseph's voice broke and Logan knew the tears were starting, that insane urge to drive right back there and drag Joseph away almost overpowering. He could do it, could have Joseph home with him and safe in his arms all night but then what of social services? What of their continued care of Joseph?

_He's going to remember. Soon. I feel it. And then it won't matter anymore. _

Torn, Logan rested his fingers on the key in the ignition and considered it. Didn't he deserve one night with Joseph? Hadn't he earned that by now?

"Logan?"

"I'm here. Right here. And I love you. I really do. I wish..."

He didn't have to finish the thought. "Yeah. I know. Me, too."

The anguish in that voice he'd come to love finally did it. Logan turned the key, the car starting up. "Okay, look. I think I've lost it but-"

"Hang on."

"What?"

But there was no answer, only muffled voices. _Patrick_. Glancing at the clock, Logan saw that it was 9:59 P.M. _Joseph, come on. Talk to me. _

The voice was back then. "I have to go. It's time. I love you. Please don't ever doubt that," Joseph said again.

"Of course not. Are you...gonna be okay tonight?" Though Logan still felt the pull to drag Joseph back to his home, the memory of their earlier aborted kiss returned to remind him that Joseph might not be receptive to his advances and it wasn't fair to push Joseph when Joseph hadn't pushed him.

"Yeah. I'm going to get some sleep, and work hard tomorrow to see if I can remember anything else about San Fran. Maybe by the time you come get me I'll have remembered everything, who knows?"

The idea was daunting. "That would be great," Logan replied, not feeling excited at the prospect at all. "I'll be there around six."

"Okay. I love you, Logan."

"I love you, too. Sleep well."

"You, too. Night."

"Goodnight, Joseph."

As the clock changed to 10 P.M. the call went dead, Logan reaching out to turn the car off. It was going to be a long night.

* * *

Having slept poorly, Logan looked like death when Faith passed him in the hall the following morning. She immediately backed up and grabbed his arm, turning him around to walk with her.

"I don't have time, Faith, I'm already running late and-"

"We're having lunch together. Meet me in the cafeteria at one."

"But at lunch I need to-"

"He can wait. Don't argue, I know you spend your time on the phone with him every day."

Defeated, Logan caved. "I'll need at least ten minutes with him. I'm worried about him, he's depressed."

"That's natural for someone in his situation. We've talked about this. Meet me at one."

"Fine."

So when his lunchtime rolled around, Logan did just that. He'd texted Joseph in the morning, as he always did, and Joseph had replied when he woke to say he'd also slept horribly and was nervous about the meeting with Monroe. On his way to the cafeteria Logan sent a brief text explaining he would call soon, and thought nothing of it when he hadn't heard anything back by the time he'd purchased his lunch and been joined by Faith; Joseph sometimes left his phone behind when working outdoors with Trevor.

Faith looked tired as well, Logan noting it when she sat down across from him. Before she could begin to interrogate him he asked, "What's going on with you? You don't look your best."

"That's the problem with having doctors as friends; you can't hide anything from them," she sighed.

"Tell me about it," Logan laughed. "That's why I'm sitting here with you right now. But really, you've got something on your mind. What is it?"

"Well, I was hesitant to bring it up to you since you've got enough going on, but Stacy's been hit again."

Logan's stomach dropped. "No. That's impossible, it's too soon, she's been in remission for only-"

"I know." Faith rubbed a hand over her face, leaning an elbow on the table. "The stomach symptoms came back so I sent her to the oncologist a few weeks ago. The cancer's back. We couldn't explain how it disappeared so quickly in the first place, and I can't explain how it's returned that fast."

"Is it possible it never went into remission? Some kind of mix-up on the tests?"

"I don't think so, I looked into that but...no. It's just...one of those inexplicable things. So I've been worried about her a lot."

"I wish you'd told me. I know why you didn't, but if there's anything I can do. Is she here in the hospital? I'll go see her."

"No, not yet. If that time comes, I'll let you know."

"Okay. Thanks." Mind momentarily taken off Joseph, Logan felt a little more clear-headed than he had in weeks. What had he been thinking last night, wanting to bring Joseph home?

"So what's going on with your boyfriend?"

"He's not my boyfriend, Faith. That's the problem."

"That was the right answer," she smiled, picking up a fork and digging in to her lunch. "I was testing you. So your head's still on straight?"

"Uh...mostly." Shifting uncomfortably, Logan said, "He remembered a location. He's from San Francisco."

"Really." Nodding as she took that in, Faith continued, "I can see that. What else did he remember?"

"Not much else. He remembered a park he used to visit, and that he rode a bike around. Fits in with his aversion to cars and driving."

"He never figured out why he's afraid of them?"

"No, but he's a lot better about it now. Doesn't even flinch anymore when he gets into mine."

"Probably because he trusts you."

"Maybe." Logan started eating his own lunch, rushing through it as he talked. "I think he wanted to kill himself. The memory that hit him was one of being on a beach and wanting to go up on the Golden Gate Bridge. He said he felt like he wanted to die at that moment."

"Whoa. That's telling."

"Is it?"

"Could be. I bet his psychiatrist could break that one easily since he brought it to the surface. She can explore that. Got an appointment today?"

"No, we're going to talk to the detective when I get off work, see what we can do from here to research it. Though I told Joseph we'll probably have to fly up to San Francisco ourselves and check it out."

Faith studied Logan and he waited it out, knowing she was going to discourage him from taking the trip with Joseph, but in the end all she said was, "You've got plenty of vacation time built up, it shouldn't be a problem."

"We can do it in a day. Why aren't you yelling at me over this?"

Chuckling, Faith replied, "Two reasons. One, it wouldn't do any good. Two, I know how scary that moment's going to be for him and he really will need someone there. Someone he trusts. It could all come back to him the moment he steps off the plane or finds that park. He shouldn't be alone when that happens."

"Exactly. We both know what we're dealing with and that whatever happens from this could be the end of us."

"Kiss him yet?" Faith kept her eyes on her food as she scooped more up, but Logan knew she was aware of every nuance in his expression.

"No," he finally replied.

"Are you lying to me?"

"No. We came close last night. Closer than we've ever been."

"Is he at your house all the time now?'

"Whenever he can be. It's hard. Having him there and not...you know."

"I know." When Faith lifted her gaze to Logan's, there was a bit of sadness in it. "I'll be here for you, okay? When this all falls apart and you're hurting. I know you're pretty close to your mom, but sometimes you just need a hug and she's far away. You need me, call me."

Suddenly on the verge of tears, Logan pushed his tray away and turned his head to the side, blinking against them. "I'm going to lose him."

Faith only nodded, reaching out to rest her hand over his. "I'll be here. I'm not as hot as that guy and I don't want to get into your pants, but I can be a damn good friend."

Laughing in spite of the pain, Logan nodded. "Thank you. I don't have a lot of those. Mom...she loves him. They've talked on the phone a few times. She knows the story and worries about me getting hurt, but she loves him and wants to meet him. She says he makes me smile. How can she know that over the phone?"

"Because moms know. She can hear it in your voice when you talk about him. I see it in your eyes, your smile, the way your whole face just glows. Moms can hear it, though."

"If I do lose him, she'll probably fly out to spend a week with me. Or maybe I'll go see her instead. Get away from the memories. It's going to be hard in that apartment, he's made it his without even trying. It's so empty when he's not there, he's so full of life. Except he hasn't been recently, and I can't stand to see him like that. So whatever it takes. If remembering his past brings that life back, I'm all for it."

"You know what I think would be fun? We should all go out sometime. You two and Tommy and me."

"Tommy? Since when do you hang out with Tommy?"

"He's a cute kid. Makes me laugh."

"He's not that much younger than you, Faith. Don't make it sound like you're old enough to be his mom."

"I'm not, it's just sometimes he acts younger."

"And a lot of times, you act older."

"But we're a good fit, don't you think?"

Grinning, Logan said, "Strangely enough, I do. I don't know how Joseph would feel about hanging out with other people, but he likes both you and Tommy. Might be good to get him out around-" His phone buzzed on the table, Logan having been watching for a reply from Joseph. "Ah, speak of the devil. Hang on." Lifting the phone to his ear after answering it, Logan greeted Joseph with, "I miss you."

"Logan, I need you to come get me. Now."

Immediately he was standing, all traces of the smile gone. "Where are you?" Faith looked up from where she was cleaning up their lunches, hands stilling.

"At the house. I'm sorry, I know you're at work and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean for...I was stupid...please don't hate me..."

"Hold on, I'm coming. It's fine, I'll be there as soon as I can. Leaving now." It wasn't fine, not really, as his supervisor's patience was beginning to grown thin with all of Logan's new restrictions and requests to leave early or take a few hours off here and there, but Joseph needed him. "Faith, can you-"

"Just go. I'll take care of this. Call me if you need me."

Nodding, Logan bolted toward the employee's lounge to retrieve his belongings. "What's going on?"

"I have to leave. Just...please. I'm sorry." Joseph broke down completely, Logan's heart breaking as well.

"I'll be there soon, okay? Calm down, I'm right here. I have to hang up while I drive, but I'm on my way." Wondering why he'd never thought to invest in a hands-free device for his phone, Logan almost knocked a nurse down as he turned into the room. "Joseph, are you there?"

"Yeah."

"Can you tell me what happened?"

"I...I fucked up, Logan. I'm sorry. I fucked up."

_I have to leave._ Suddenly the words had a different meaning, and Logan's heart sank. Joseph didn't mean he had to leave for a few hours—he meant permanently. Logan sat down on a couch and closed his eyes, unsure how to feel about anything.

"I'm sorry," Joseph whispered again. "So sorry. Please don't hate me."

"I don't. We'll figure this out. I don't hate you."

"You will," was all Joseph said, and the food in Logan's stomach threatened to revolt. He wasn't sure he wanted to know what was going on, but Joseph needed him. That was all that mattered.


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the characters taken from Big Time Rush and placed into this story. I make no money off this.

**Author's Notes:**

I know you all hate me right now. I'm sorry! It was a natural place to stop. I told you guys it would be a slow-mover for a while and then pick up with a bang. This is where everything starts to change.

I try to reply to every review, but I have to say that for the last chapter, I'm probably not going to answer a lot of them simply because they mainly consisted of "OH MY GOD YOU CAN'T STOP THERE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT" and all the different theories you guys came up with (which I love love love reading, by the way). But I can't address them without giving away too much about the future of the story, so for chapter 11 I'm not going to reply to many of them. Don't feel bad if I don't reply to yours, it means I'm afraid to because I might give something away.

Also THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YOU. YES, YOU. I LOVE YOU.

About a year ago I wrote a story for **kathrynew30**, it was a gift for our one-year friendiversary. The James Diamond in this story is taken directly from that one, though he suffered no amnesia in it. So for that reason, I dedicate this to Kathryn.

I also must dedicate it to **joyousbrokenthing**, who is entirely to blame for this being written at all. She tweeted me one night about a vision of Logan as a scientist building a robot James. This story is of course not that at all, but it got me thinking about a situation where Logan basically helps put James back together and within fifteen minutes I had this story pretty much written in my head. I wasn't planning to write a Jagan next, but it wouldn't leave me alone so here we are. Thanks a lot, Tammy. XD

**Aranelle** and **jdmazz** are helping to shape the direction of this story so much. I knew from the start where it was going, but they're helping me figure out how to get there and their feedback and advice has been invaluable. Seriously could not ask for better betas. I love you both so much.

* * *

Imagination running wild by the time he finally arrived at Haven House, Logan parked near the curb and took a deep breath. Running Joseph's words back through his head, there were so many ways Logan could take them. Had he remembered everything? Remembered things that made him ashamed and fearing Logan would hate him? Had something happened at the house that forced him out? Logan had known the night before they were on the verge of a huge shift and it had now come.

_Prepare yourself to lose the man you've come to love. You knew it was unhealthy because you knew it would end. Whatever happens, remember the good times and help him find his way home._

"_I'm so sorry. Please don't hate me. You will."_ Those words kept chasing themselves around his head, and what else could they possibly mean?

_There's someone else. You knew it was a probability. No one like Joseph David could be single. He's too amazing. And now it's time to give him back._

Bracing himself, Logan climbed out of the car and walked toward the house. A motion above caught his eye, and this time when he glanced up Patrick's piercing blue eyes met his. The sheer hatred in the gaze caused Logan to pause, his motion stopping and his heart racing instead. Patrick didn't move but continued to glare, and finally Logan started walking again until he reached the front door. Before he could knock the door opened, Joseph standing there defeated in a t-shirt Logan had bought him and the sweats he'd been wearing when he first walked into the hospital so long ago. It symbolized to Logan a blending of his two lives, the old and the new, and seemed fitting.

Joseph's eyes were puffy and red but he was no longer crying; he simply seemed dead inside, as if he'd given up on life. Whatever was going on, he needed a friend. "I'm here," Logan said softly, and apparently that was the right thing. Joseph stepped forward and clung tightly to him, trembling but saying nothing. Logan held him, eyes taking in the sight of Joseph's belongings piled just inside the door. This was it.

Trevor stepped up suddenly to block his view, Logan nodding a greeting over Joseph's shoulder.

"I assume you know nothing of this?" Trevor questioned sternly.

"I don't know anything," Logan replied. "I only know he needs me."

There were obviously many words on the tip of Trevor's tongue, but what he said was, "I have rules, Logan. We discussed this the first day he arrived. I don't tolerate this sort of behavior."

"I understand. Are you kicking him out over the phone thing? Because we-"

Joseph interrupted, stepping back to face Trevor. "He doesn't know anything. I'll handle it."

_What the hell is going on?_ Eyes moving back and forth between the two, who were staring each other down, Logan realized the phone thing was the least of their worries. He'd been right, Joseph _had_ been hiding something. His stomach bubbled again and he fought down the bile rising in his throat. "Joseph, take your bags to the car."

Joseph looked as if he was about to argue, some of that fire coming back, but when Logan added, "Please," in a soft voice, Joseph acquiesced. Trevor stood back to allow him in, and then Joseph picked up the few bags he had and walked past Logan after taking the car keys held out to him. Logan watched him glance at his former bedroom window, the hatred in the normally-amused hazel eyes a shock.

_Patrick. I knew that guy was trouble._

"Logan," Trevor began, calling Logan's attention back to him. "I don't blame you for any of this. I imagine you're in the dark as much as I was, and I feel the worst for you because you've been nothing but kind to Joseph. You didn't deserve to be treated like this."

Body going colder with each word uttered, Logan asked, "What's going on, Trevor? What did he do?"

Trevor glanced over Logan's shoulder, watching Joseph toss his stuff into the backseat of the car. "It's not my place to tell you. I only hope he _does_ tell you, because you deserve to know."

"Does he remember his past?" That was Logan's biggest fear, that he'd been lied to from the start and taken in. He'd gotten past that, had his worries put to rest, but the way Trevor was talking brought the fears back.

"I honestly don't know, Logan. Amanda has been informed that he's no longer welcome here, so I'm sure she'll be in touch with him soon to discuss his future. If you have any questions because you think he's lying to you about any of this, you have my number. You deserve to know the truth."

Logan nodded slowly, suddenly not wanting to join Joseph in the car. Again, he didn't think he wanted to know what was going on. Faith had warned him about this, about getting involved with a total stranger, but he'd fallen so hard and so quickly for Joseph that his common sense had failed him.

Bracing himself once again, Logan spun away from Trevor and trudged slowly to the car, hands in his pockets and chest tight. He lifted his head to find Joseph settled in the passenger seat but once again glaring up at what Logan assumed was Patrick, murder in his gaze. It sent a chill through Logan, who hadn't witnessed anything so brutal in Joseph before.

Before lowering his own body to the car, Logan too met Patrick's stare. There was no question Patrick hated him, and somehow that made Logan feel a little better. Whatever unspoken contest there had been between them, Logan had won. He could only assume the prize had been Joseph, and he couldn't hold back the urge to smile sweetly up at Patrick, whose own expression turned murderous for a moment before suddenly clearing. Then Logan watched it shift into that shy look again just before he turned from the window to speak to someone.

"Did you see that?" Joseph hissed when Logan slid into the car. "Please tell me you saw that. Please."

"Patrick? Yeah, I saw that. Told you I never trusted that guy."

"I'm so fucking stupid, Logan. He had me snowed. He's got them all snowed. I tried to tell Trevor but he doesn't believe me, he says Patrick wouldn't make stuff up and fuck, I'm such an idiot. I should've listened to you and kept my distance."

_Just how close did you get to him?_ Logan didn't like to think about that. "The guy gave me the creeps the first day I met him. Don't even try to tell me he wasn't after you."

"No, he was, I just...I didn't...I'm so stupid," Joseph sighed, eyes closing as he leaned his head back against the seat. "I already know I can't stay at your place, but I'm waiting for a call from Amanda; can I hang out there until I hear from her? I don't know what I'm gonna do."

Rather than address that, Logan focused on starting the car and driving away from the curb. They were silent for a few blocks, Joseph dejected next to him, and finally Logan said, "I don't want to talk about this until we get home, okay? Not while I'm driving."

Joseph nodded immediately, in total agreement. Anything to avoid a car crash, that gesture said.

"Just tell me this. Did you remember anything more about your past? Have you been lying to me about any of that?"

"Logan, what the fuck? I _told _you, I keep telling you, I wouldn't lie to you about that!"

"But you'll lie to me about other things, apparently. Of course I'm going to wonder."

"I didn't lie," Joseph said in a quiet voice. "I just..."

"Didn't tell me. Right. You and I need to have a serious talk about what lying means."

No answer from Joseph, but when Logan next glanced over there were tears falling from his eyes as he stared out the window. Giving in to his own fears for the future, Logan reached out and gripped Joseph's hand. Joseph answered by linking their fingers tight enough to hurt. "I can't lose you," he whispered.

Because Logan didn't know at this point what he was facing, he kept his mouth shut. It scared him to think that there wasn't much Joseph could do that would push Logan to abandon him.

* * *

Stopping only to grab Joseph's belongings from the car, Logan quickly led him up to the apartment. He walked the bags to the guest room, already knowing Joseph would be staying here. It didn't matter what Amanda had to say, Joseph wasn't going anywhere—the worry over his welfare had been too much to bear last night and he wasn't about to put himself through that again.

When he returned to the living room Joseph was out on the balcony staring down over the city, hands resting on the short wall. Logan kept his distance but leaned against the sliding glass door, arms over his chest. He knew Joseph was aware of his presence so waited it out until finally Joseph said, "I wonder what it's like to have a normal life. To know who you are and where you came from and where you belong."

There were many replies Logan wanted to give about where Joseph belonged. Instead he remained silent.

"I know you're angry with me."

"I'm confused more than anything else. Trevor suggested you might not tell me everything. I'm asking for that much from you, the truth. All of it. No leaving anything out or hiding things from me."

Spinning around slowly, Joseph rested against the wall now behind him. "I don't want to hurt you. I made a mistake. I tried to fix it, and that's when it all blew up. If you never want to speak to me again after I tell you everything, I understand. Just please let me stay here until I hear from Amanda."

Once again Logan hesitated to reassure Joseph. He turned to make his way inside and to the couch, hoping Joseph would follow and not disappointed except that Joseph took the chair rather than joining him. "Talk to me."

"I don't even know what to say." Eyes cutting away from Logan, Joseph wrung his hands as he attempted to put the words in order. "It started with the money."

"The...money? What money?"

"The money you gave me. I didn't want it, I didn't feel I deserved it, and I felt guilty that you had to do that."

"I didn't _have_ to, Joseph, I _wanted_ to. It made me feel better knowing you had something because you just never know. Did you gamble it away or something?"

"No! I hid it, kept it safe. I never even spent a dime of it."

"But you said you had to buy groceries," Logan argued. "You said-"

"I lied, okay?" Standing up, Joseph started the pacing thing while rubbing his face. "I lied about that. Trevor said I didn't have to since I couldn't find work, he was cool about that. So I guess you were right, I _did_ lie to you. But I couldn't tell you the truth."

"And what's the truth, Joseph? Just tell me everything."

"The money disappeared. One morning I woke up and it was gone. I had it hidden but it was gone. _Now_ I'm pretty sure Patrick took it, but at the time...I suspected another guy at the house. Because Patrick told me he'd been known to steal from everyone in the past. That was probably a fucking lie, too. I see it all now, I was just so stupid."

Logan's eyes narrowed. "Did he know about the money?"

"I don't know how. I never told him about it. He acted surprised when I told him I'd had money stolen, but now I think he must've known. But what did he do, go through my shit?"

"He knew about the money because he was right there when I gave it to you," Logan realized. "Remember that night? We were about to kiss and he opened the door. He was right there when I gave it to you, before you went into the house. He obviously heard the conversation."

"Shit. Shit, you're right. Motherfucking-"

"Okay. Moving on." There was no point in dwelling on that, nor on the fact that Logan suddenly understood it must have been Patrick who'd ratted Joseph out about being on the phone after curfew. "So you discovered the money missing and then what?"

Joseph ran a hand through his hair, letting out a breath before continuing, "Well, before that...I guess it really started with the kiss."

Frozen, Logan stared up at Joseph. He prayed he'd heard wrong, but the fear and apology in Joseph's eyes told him he hadn't. Now he really was going to throw up.

"Logan-"

"Stop. Give me a moment." Logan rose from the couch, holding a hand up before escaping to the balcony and taking in deep gulps of fresh air. There had been a kiss. All this time he'd suffered agony fighting to keep from kissing Joseph, and that asshole had been getting everything he'd wanted-he shared a room with Joseph at night, he saw Joseph first thing in the morning and just before dropping off to sleep every night. And apparently there had been kisses. At least one.

_I hate you. I knew, I knew in my heart you were someone I needed to watch out for. I should've done something, should've..._

But what could he have done, really, other than step up and take what was rightfully his so that Patrick couldn't have it?

_That's the problem, though. Joseph isn't rightfully mine. There's a good chance he belongs to someone else. And that's why I didn't, because..._

Because Logan couldn't live with himself if it turned out Joseph did belong to someone else. Not if he'd given in and taken everything he wanted.

_So for having morals and being the better person, I get screwed. Or rather, I don't. Jesus, what if they slept together? What if-_

"Joseph!" Logan stormed back into the apartment, where Joseph was sitting on the arm of the couch waiting apprehensively. "Did you fuck him?"

"What? No!" Eyes bugging out, Joseph shook his head. "No! I swear, there were just kisses! I'm sorry, I swear, we never did anything else!"

_Kisses._ Ready now to just hear it all and deal with it, Logan stood near the other end of the couch and closed his eyes. "Tell me everything. Now."

It all came out in a rush, Joseph rambling. "I woke up one morning and he was kissing me. I was dreaming it was you, and I guess I was kissing him back, I don't even know, and when I opened my eyes it was him. I freaked out, pushed him away, but he got so sad and scared. Kept apologizing, said he was sorry and he hadn't been able to help it, that he was so lonely and I was so beautiful and I fell for it, fuck I fell so hard for it. I felt bad for making _him_ feel bad."

"So you kissed him again?"

"No! I told him it was no big deal, not to worry about it. And then I tried to forget about it, just make him feel better because he seemed like a wreck. His anxiety, you know? So I bonded with him that day, he stayed home from work and I hung out with him. He acted so shy. Jesus. And that night he asked me if he could kiss me again and I said no. I explained to him that I was in love with you, that I belonged to you and I couldn't do that, that you were my boyfriend. I mean, I know that's not exactly the case but it's close enough, right?"

Logan sighed deeply. Yes, that was close enough. He returned to his seat on the couch, Joseph sliding down next to him and turning to face him. "I told him, Logan. He knew, but I told him again anyway. He was...sad. He begged me."

"When was this?"

"A few weeks ago. I just felt so bad for him."

"So you kissed him?"

"No, will you quit assuming shit? I didn't kiss him again, not then. I was trying to...I mean...I was kind of saving myself for you, you know?"

"Yes," Logan said softly. "I know exactly what you mean. When did that change?"

"When the money disappeared. He had offered me money. And he was so convincing, all shy and lonely and he offered me money to kiss him. Said he would never get another chance to be with someone and I was his only chance. I still said no, I was gentle about it but I said no. He kept offering more money, I guess he has a lot saved up from his job and he never spends it. He offered me a lot. But still I said no, because...you know? There was you. And I couldn't lose you."

Knowing he was a fool who would probably end up devastated eventually, Logan reached out for Joseph, who immediately moved into his embrace and cuddled close. "I'm sorry," Joseph whispered. "I should've known better."

Logan closed his eyes, his heart reaching out to Joseph even when his mind told him to walk away before it got any worse. "He offered you money and when that didn't work, he stole yours?"

"I think so. I was so panicked over the money missing, and I couldn't tell you. I was ashamed that I'd let that happen. And every day I was more stressed about it, afraid you'd find out and then he kept offering, every night after I got home he'd offer money for just one kiss, and finally I gave in. I told him I'd do it just once. He'd offered to pay me a hundred dollars and that would replace the money I'd lost. So I did it."

Swallowing hard, arms still around Joseph, Logan asked, "One kiss?"

"Yes. But then he gave me ten bucks and I was like...you offered a hundred. He got so upset, that whole anxious thing again, and I backed off. I just took the money and hid it somewhere else, and figured it was done. But I was still terrified to tell you I'd lost the money, and every time I saw you I felt worse because you kept buying me things and he kept offering..."

"How long did it go on?" Logan wanted to know, feeling a little dead inside.

"The past two weeks," Joseph whispered. "I could hardly face you. I'm so sorry."

The past two weeks. When the depression had started, when Joseph had begun to become a shell of his former self. "It wasn't just the money. You were feeling guilty."

"Of course I was! I felt like I was cheating on you the whole time. I know it was just a kiss, but like you said...a kiss is special. I'm like you, a kiss isn't something that should just be thrown around, it means so much more than a fuck. I didn't know that until I kissed him and felt so horrible about it, but a kiss...kisses should mean something. And with him it meant nothing. I swear, Logan, it meant nothing!" Joseph finally lifted his face from Logan's chest, eyes pleading with Logan to believe him.

Strangely, Logan did. Trevor had warned him not to be taken in, but nobody knew Joseph better than he did. Or at least he liked to think so.

"So what happened that made it all blow up?"

"I told him I couldn't do it anymore. Last night...you almost kissed me. We were right there, your lips were on mine, and the guilt was so bad I couldn't do it. I hated myself. I had to end it, it wasn't right to kiss you when I had betrayed you like that, I had to make it stop first. I was trying to figure out how to tell you but I was so afraid to tell you and..."

"And what? What happened?"

"Last night Trevor had that talk with me about the curfew thing, told me I was on a final warning. I was upset about it, and also upset because I'd lied to you about it, and I could barely stand to face you, even over the phone. When he started up his shit, wanted the kissing again, I snapped. I told him I couldn't do it anymore, that I shouldn't have done it in the first place, and tried to give him back the money. He freaked out. Begged and pleaded and said you didn't love me, that you felt sorry for me and you'd be better off without me, that you could live your own life and not have to worry about me anymore or be burdened with me-"

"Joseph, hold on. Just hold on." Making sure he had Joseph's attention, Logan pushed him far enough away to look into his eyes and said, "You are not a burden to me. I am _not _better off without you. I'm terrified of the day you leave me, of the day you remember everything and leave me to the life I knew before. It was empty and I never knew it until you came into it and you need to know that, you need to know that I love you. I'm not going to abandon you, I'm here at your side until you don't need me anymore."

"That's never gonna happen," Joseph whispered, hands coming up to frame Logan's face. "There will never be a time in my life that I don't need you. I don't care what I came from or what I go back to, I will always need you. Please believe that. I told you before, if you believe nothing else I've ever said to you, believe that I love you."

Heart squeezing with a mixture of elation and fear, Logan said, "There might be someone else you love."

"That doesn't mean I'll stop loving you. I don't think I ever could. And that scares me a little bit, knowing I might end up hurting someone else because you...I can't live without you, Logan."

"Don't. Please just...I can't allow myself to think that way, to believe I'll have you forever. Even if it's what I want most in this world." Needing distance, Logan scooted away and stood up, arms crossed over his chest as he tried to calm the storm of emotions inside him. "So you gave in last night?"

Returning to the previous conversation, Joseph shook his head while watching Logan from the couch. "No. I told him we were done, that I couldn't do it anymore. Even after he begged, I said no. I went to sleep feeling like shit, afraid of losing you and knowing I'd upset him, and all I wanted to do was go out for a run. I just felt like if I could run, I would be okay. I couldn't even call you. So I didn't sleep much, and he seemed hurt but I figured we could talk about it this morning. He stayed in bed all morning, though, didn't get up until around noon, and then he said he needed to talk to Trevor. Came into the kitchen looking all sad and scared and I felt horrible, but I wasn't going to bend. I'd already made things bad enough."

It was starting to fall into place for Logan now, but he asked, "What happened?"

"He lied. He went to Trevor and told him that I'd been pressuring him into things. That I'd kissed him and begged and...well. Done basically everything he did to me. He said he was afraid to tell me no, so he went along with it. Trevor believed him over me because Patrick is a manipulative little shit who apparently has the entire world fooled. Even_ I_ fell for it. After Trevor talked to me, told me I had to leave and I went up to get my stuff, Patrick came up there. He was _smiling_, Logan. Smiling! Told me that's what I deserved for teasing him. I was just trying to be nice!"

Nodding his head and unsurprised, Logan commented, "I think I need to call Trevor. He needs to know what kind of person Patrick is."

"He isn't going to believe you. He'll think you're stupid to believe _me_."

"I think I am, too, but my gut tells me you're being honest. Just like it told me Patrick wasn't what he seemed to be. You should never have kissed him."

"I know, okay? I know that! But the money, and I was so scared to tell you I'd lost it, and I believed him. I was so stupid! I think he got rid of his old roommate the same way, or at least got him kicked out. I just don't know how I didn't see it. You told me, you warned me about him and I just..."

"You can't help being a compassionate person. Trust me, I know. It's easy to be taken in."

Slowly Joseph looked up at Logan, not missing the insinuation. "Logan? I swear to you right now that I have not lied to you about anything else. I know you think sometimes I'm faking all this, that I'm taking advantage of you, but I wouldn't do that. Not to you, not to anyone else. I've told you everything I know. As scared as I am to lose you, I will be honest with you even if there's a danger of that. I learned my lesson."

Not wanting to admit that he'd had his doubts, Logan's answer was, "From now on, we do this together. All of it. You tell me everything, and we figure it out together. We can face this, no matter what it is, but only if we lean on each other."

"I promise, wherever they send me next, I won't get kicked out. I'll follow every rule, every single little-"

"You're not going anywhere. You're staying here."

Clearly shocked, Joseph blinked up at Logan. "I know you don't want me to and I understand why."

"I'm more concerned with making sure you're safe. Here, I know you are."

"But Logan...what about..."

"I don't care. I'll pay for your appointments, I'll pay for whatever you need. I know I'm not made of money, but I can handle that much."

"I'll get a job. I swear. I'll find something, anything, I don't care what, I'll get a job and-"

"Don't worry about that right now. Just focus on remembering who you are, because once you do that none of this matters. You'll live here until you have something to return to. Which may be soon, if San Francisco turns up anything. I'm not going to put you through a brand new place to live. Just...stay here with me. I went crazy last night worrying about you, I can't go through that again."

"I'll behave. Promise."

Meeting Joseph's gaze, Logan believed him. He knew Joseph would keep to his own room at night, wouldn't sneak into his, and would keep his distance when Logan asked him to. What he wasn't sure of was how much longer he would be asking that.

* * *

Deciding that talking to Trevor would be a healthier way to deal with his anger at Patrick than storming over and punching the guy, Logan put a call through to him. As Joseph had predicted, Trevor believed Patrick's story over anything they had to say and cautioned Logan to be careful with Joseph.

"You do believe me, right?" Joseph asked with pleading eyes when Logan hung up, and Logan nodded.

"I do. I can tell when you're lying or hiding something. At least I think I can."

"I won't anymore. I'm sorry. Can I really stay here?"

"Yeah." Feeling somewhat numb and as if he'd lost control over his future, Logan said, "We might as well go see Detective Monroe. No use putting it off."

Joseph bit his lip. "Can I shower first? I feel better after I shower."

Mind harkening back to a long-ago conversation about Joseph doing other things in the shower, Logan suddenly ached for those days, when it was easy between them and they were just getting to know each other. He'd been smarter then, still had a wall around his heart, and thinking about losing Joseph hadn't sliced him with pain the way it did now. He nodded. "Your clothes are in the guest room."

"Thanks."

Logan watched him go, eyes filling with sadness, and once the bathroom door was closed he could hold it in no more. Overwhelmed with everything, he stepped out onto the patio and cried, letting the fear and pain express itself in a way it rarely did with Logan. Suddenly he wanted his mother, which made him chuckle when he remembered Faith's offer. He was a grown man, why did he want to run to his mother?

_Because moms make everything better. No matter how badly you're hurting, Mom makes it better._

Except when the time came to say goodbye to Joseph, Logan doubted even his mother would be able to make it better. Only one person would be able to do that, and he would be gone.

Logan had dated, had grown to care for a few men, but never really felt what he was feeling for Joseph. The longest he'd seen someone had been about two months (if you didn't count Kendall, and you couldn't because they hadn't even kissed until the last week), but it had been dates and overnight visits here and there. He'd known Joseph for only a month but spent every second he could with him, so much that he'd grown used to having him near and counted on Joseph's smile to brighten his day and Joseph's voice on the phone to soothe him into sleep. There had never been anyone like Joseph, and his biggest fear was that there never would be again.

"I can't lose you," he whispered, but then immediately shook his head. He was going to. There was no doubt in his mind. Joseph had asked Logan to trust him on that, to believe like he did that there was no one else in Joseph's life, but how could there not be? And what of Joseph lying to him about something as huge as kissing another man? Shouldn't that be a red flag, something to warn him Joseph might not be the person he seemed to be?

Truly, though, Joseph's actions fit in with what Logan had learned of him. He didn't show it often, but Joseph was compassionate. Joseph cared. Joseph knew how to love deeply.

_He learned that somewhere. Someone taught him how to love._

Not wanting to think about that, Logan leaned on the balcony wall, shoulders shaking slightly as he cried, and then Joseph was there. Strong arms wrapped around him from behind and Logan wanted to hate him, wanted to tell him to go away, but instead he was spun around and held in a way that made him burrow deeper into Joseph and hold on just as tightly.

"I'm sorry," Joseph choked out, and of course he was crying now, too, and this was just such a huge mess. "I didn't mean to hurt you."

"I know," Logan replied. Nothing felt safer than the arms keeping him close, the tall body pressed against him. How did someone so unstable and who had caused him pain make him feel so safe? "So afraid to lose you."

He felt Joseph nod, inhaled the scent of bare skin fresh from the shower, took in the sensation of tears falling into his hair. "I love you, and that's never gonna change," Joseph whispered.

"I know," Logan said again. _Sometimes, though, love isn't enough. _

A shrill sound broke through the moment, Logan stepping back slowly as he realized his phone was ringing, and then chuckling when it became obvious that Joseph's phone was ringing as well. "We're popular," he joked, trying to stem the flow of tears.

"I'm sure it's Amanda, but she can wait. Are you okay?" Joseph asked seriously, eyes searching Logan's face while his hands framed it.

"Will be. And so will you." Peeking at his phone, Logan grimaced. "But I have to answer this or Faith's going to have the entire state of California out searching for me." He spun away as he answered, heading back into the house. He needed space to clear his head, because around Joseph he never seemed to think straight.

"Logan. What's going on, is he okay?"

"Yeah, he's at my place now. He's staying here from now on and I don't even want to hear the lecture. He's safe here, that's all I care about."

"Okay, forget my last question. Are_ you_ okay?"

Logan pulled a tissue from a box in the living room before answering while wiping at his eyes. Of course Faith could tell—it wasn't only moms who knew how to listen. "I'm fine. It's been a rough afternoon. We're okay, though. Going down to the station in a bit to see what our next step should be. I'll probably put in for a few days off so we can fly to San Francisco."

"Logan..."

When she hesitated to finish, Logan said, "I know. All of the things you're thinking, I know. I'm crazy. But I can't...I've never..." At a loss for words, Logan turned to find Joseph, gaze falling on the beautiful being currently on his own phone and speaking to a woman he didn't like as if he hadn't just been crying in another man's arms. Logan was horrible at hiding his anguish, but Joseph had the ability to mask it without a second thought. Again Logan wondered if he'd had any acting experience.

"I know. You're in love. Love makes us all stupid. Just be careful. Please."

"I am. I know how this is going to end and I've accepted it. It just hurts."

"Did he remember anything else?"

Logan took Faith's subject change as a sign of agreement. "No. After we get back I'm going to make him sit down and watch T.V. with me. I've noticed that's when he seems to have these flashes, when he's safe and relaxed with me. We'll see what happens. I think we're getting close."

"I hope so, because I don't know how much more of this you can stand."

_I don't either._ "I'm fine," he replied as Joseph stepped into the room and closed the sliding glass door. "I gotta go, but thanks for calling. And for caring."

"I'm here if you need me," she reminded him.

"I know. Thanks. I'll let you know how it goes."

When he hung up, Joseph settled on the arm of the couch, feet up on a cushion. In a pair of jeans and nothing else, with hair wet, he was more irresistible than ever. Logan kept his distance and lowered himself to a chair across the room. "Amanda?"

"Yeah. Faith?"

Logan nodded. "I was with her when you called earlier, she was concerned. Wanted to make sure you're okay."

That got Joseph's lips widening into a smile. "I really like her. She never made me feel stupid or like she thought I was lying."

"She looked for signs, didn't see any. And she likes you, too. Thinks you're hot."

"I'm taken."

The warmth spreading through Logan's chest was highly inappropriate to someone attempting to keep his feelings under control. He sighed, eyes softening as he stared back at Joseph. "I love you."

"I know," Joseph grinned, and just like that they were okay again. Not great, not even good, but okay.

"What did Amanda say?"

"Nothing I really care to repeat. Bottom line is I'm no longer their concern."

An eyebrow lifted. "Was that your decision or social service's?"

"It was mutual. I'm done with that bitch."

A little surprised, Logan asked, "What did she ever do to make you hate her so much?"

"I don't hate her, she's just...she doesn't care. I sensed it. Maybe she doesn't like homosexuals."

"I never really got that impression."

"Trust me. It was there. Or at least a dislike of me. It's fine, I didn't like her either. Want to call Monroe?"

"Oh, I should. Make sure he's in. Did you get any lunch?"

"No."

"There's still pizza left. Go for it."

"Thanks." Standing, Joseph smiled as he approached Logan, whose heart started pounding hard against his ribcage—Joseph looked like someone who was after something and wouldn't be stopped. Breathing shallow by the time Joseph was there, Logan was ready for whatever he had planned. Joseph grinned before kissing Logan on the cheek.

"Relax. Friendship kiss. I can respect your rules."

Feeling like an idiot for overreacting, Logan bit his lip and wondered what Joseph would do if he suddenly kissed him on the lips. The satisfaction of shocking Joseph would almost be worth it. Then his brain followed that thought through and he knew they'd end up in bed, possibly wouldn't leave the house until the next day.

Yeah, a kiss was still a very bad idea.

* * *

The visit with Detective Monroe went as Logan expected. With nothing more to go on than the pictures in Joseph's head, there wasn't a lot of research that could be done from their current location; they'd have better luck putting Joseph in places that might be familiar to him and would hopefully jog his memory. Joseph was still terrified of the idea, but he and Logan agreed it was a step they needed to take.

Detective Monroe brought up the idea of Joseph working with the media again, perhaps in San Francisco rather than Los Angeles, and this time Joseph was openly hesitant. Logan wondered if it was because deep down he would rather not discover his own life, if he'd rather stay with Logan where he was safe, and while he would much rather that as well, Logan knew they couldn't allow that to hold Joseph back. He suggested that they wait to see what turned up in San Francisco, but if nothing did Joseph should enlist the help of the media. Joseph only nodded, linking his own fingers nervously together in his lap.

After returning to the car, Logan turned to Joseph. "So. I guess we're taking a trip tomorrow."

"Can you? I know you probably have to work."

"I'm actually off tomorrow. I'll get someone to cover the next day."

"Logan, you don't have to-"

"Yes, I do," Logan interrupted, eyes downcast and not seeing the steering wheel in front of him. "Our lives are on hold until we do this. I'm ready to move on, aren't you?"

"Not if it means I lose you."

"Hey, you might get lucky and end up taking me to bed by this time tomorrow," Logan joked, trying to lighten the mood. "The sooner we know something..."

Joseph offered a wan smile and reached over for Logan's hand. "Here's hoping."

Upon returning to the apartment Logan set Joseph on the task of figuring out what they were going to do about dinner, sending him to raid the refrigerator while he called the hospital to work out a few emergency days off. His supervisor was once again unhappy but Logan promised after this weekend he would be the reliable doctor he'd been before Joseph came into his life.

After booting up his laptop Logan spent some time making a list of every bar and park in San Francisco. The list was extensive but he figured if they started with parks around the Golden Gate Bridge they might get lucky. As for the bars, he decided they should begin with the gay ones—again, a rather extensive list but it felt like the logical place to start. He didn't know how much they'd be able to get done in a day or two, but they had to begin somewhere.

Dinner was quiet, the weight of an unknown future heavy on their hearts. Logan found it ironic that on the eve of possibly losing him forever, he finally had Joseph right where he'd wanted him-officially in his home. He kept catching Joseph's eye across the kitchen table, smiling at him in reassurance because he could see the terror in every movement, and when Joseph turned down a second helping of spaghetti (something Joseph never did), Logan settled back into his chair and held out his arms to Joseph in invitation. Joseph went.

With Joseph sitting sideways in his lap and arms around Logan's shoulders, Logan said, "I won't leave you."

"You will if I have a boyfriend."

A war of feelings erupted in Logan. On one hand, he knew Joseph was right-if Joseph did indeed have a boyfriend or someone more serious in his life, Logan would back away and let the man (or woman, though Logan doubted that) reclaim his rightful territory. And yet the urge to fight for Joseph, to scream that he loved Joseph and deserved the chance to win him over, was strong enough to have him hugging Joseph's waist tight in a silent expression of _mine_.

"Let's not worry about that right now. What's most important is you getting your memory back. Our relationship is secondary to all of that, and we can't make any plans or decisions about our future until we know what we're dealing with. So just...worry about you. Not about us."

Joseph bit his lip, appearing to think something over, and then he said, "But I don't think that way anymore. It's not about me. Everything is about _us_."

"And that's not...Joseph, that's not practical. We need to keep our priorities straight."

"So you don't think that way?"

Wishing he could reply that he didn't, Logan was aware that Joseph knew better. He'd been the one to encourage taking every step together. "We shouldn't."

"But we do. We're a team. You've been the one pulling all the weight so far, but only because I'm lost. Once I find my place again, I'll be the strength you need. We can be each others' strength."

Logan laid his head on Joseph's chest, the words everything he wished for and needed to hear. "Someday?" he asked wistfully.

"Yes," Joseph replied softly, lips moving against Logan's hair. "Someday."

It wasn't much, but it was something to hold on to. Logan grabbed it and drew it in, for the first time resting his hopes on it. Joseph loved him, there was no question of that, and he loved Joseph. Shouldn't that be enough?

_He's running for a reason._

He doesn't exist. He's a filler. A coping mechanism.

Faith was in his head telling him everything he couldn't stand to hear right now, so to shut her out he asked, "Want to watch T.V for a while?"

"Sure."

Joseph didn't sound any more excited at the prospect than Logan was, but it was an excuse to be close to each other and cuddle on a night when they needed that more than anything.

Joseph rose, pulling Logan by the hand, and for once Logan left the dinner dishes for later. After flipping on the television, Joseph laid on the sofa and held his arms out to Logan, who stretched out over his long body with a contented sigh.

Neither paid much attention to the screen, minds numb to everything except each other, and when Joseph finally whispered, "Just once? Please?" Logan lifted his head without hesitation. It was a brief kiss, not the explosive out-of-control passionate thing Logan had always imagined as their first kiss; instead it was soft but saying everything that needed to be said, and for tonight it was enough.

"I love you," Joseph murmured when Logan's head had returned to his shoulder.

"I love you, too."

Not wanting to be apart, they chose to sleep there rather than in their rooms, and even though the following day would bring about changes neither was ready for, they slept peacefully in each others' arms.


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the characters taken from Big Time Rush and placed into this story. I make no money off this.

**Author's Notes:**

A shorter chapter today, but there's a lot going on. The next chapter will bring the answers to a lot of questions James and Logan have. Hang in there, slowly but surely Joseph's past will emerge even though I know this chapter is going to confuse everyone. Oh weird, I'm posting chapter 13 on the 13th. Just realized that.

Weird how I call him both James and Joseph. He's still James at heart, though.

Also THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YOU. YES, YOU. I LOVE YOU.

About a year ago I wrote a story for **kathrynew30**, it was a gift for our one-year friendiversary. The James Diamond in this story is taken directly from that one, though he suffered no amnesia in it. So for that reason, I dedicate this to Kathryn.

I also must dedicate it to **joyousbrokenthing**, who is entirely to blame for this being written at all. She tweeted me one night about a vision of Logan as a scientist building a robot James. This story is of course not that at all, but it got me thinking about a situation where Logan basically helps put James back together and within fifteen minutes I had this story pretty much written in my head. I wasn't planning to write a Jagan next, but it wouldn't leave me alone so here we are. Thanks a lot, Tammy. XD

**Aranelle** and **jdmazz** are helping to shape the direction of this story so much. I knew from the start where it was going, but they're helping me figure out how to get there and their feedback and advice has been invaluable. Seriously could not ask for better betas. I love you both so much.

* * *

Though Logan had been half-expecting him to, Joseph seemed to have no issues with flying. Other than complaining about having no room to stretch out, he enjoyed the trip as well as he was able to while attempting to keep from worrying about what they would find.

"I still feel like I should be scared, Logan," he admitted when the plane was making its final descent. "That feeling I had...I did something really bad to make me feel that way. I don't think I want to know what."

"I'll be honest, I'm scared, too. It was obviously something horrible enough that your brain needed the escape. But whatever it is, we'll face it together."

Squeezing their linked fingers, Joseph said in a tiny voice, "Even if I hurt someone?"

"Do you think you did?" Logan asked, biting his lip.

Turning his face to the window, Joseph shrugged. "That's just it. I don't know. What if I did?"

Logan surprised Joseph with a smile and a kiss on the cheek. "Then you do what you can to make it up and learn from it. You let me help you through it."

Eyes suddenly glistening with tears, Joseph leaned over and into Logan's arms. "I don't know what I'd do without you. If I hadn't gone to that hospital...if you hadn't stayed over...I could've ended up with anyone else. Every time I think about it..."

"Don't. Don't think about it. It happened this way because you needed me. And I guess I needed you, too. As much as you've turned my life upside down, I wouldn't undo any of it."

"None of it?" Joseph questioned, eyes lifting to Logan's.

"None of it. I'm still hoping for a happy ending, you know," he winked, trying to get a smile out of Joseph. "This could be our someday."

"Fuck, I hope so," Joseph replied, and before Logan could react Joseph's lips were on his, warm and hungry and perfect. He melted into it, and though it was still not the abandoned kiss he was dying to give, the one in which he would completely let himself go, it was everything he'd wanted for weeks. So what if they were on a plane? This might be their last moment before Joseph was ripped away from him and all of the reasons Logan had held back before seemed unimportant when Joseph was kissing him.

_Which is why you wouldn't let it happen. You knew it would be like this. Reason doesn't exist when you're with him._

When the plane touched down they were still kissing, both ignoring the whispers and occasional sounds of disgust aimed their way. They broke apart when they had to, Joseph whispering, "There is so much more I want to do with you."

"I know," Logan replied, so tempted to just give in and kidnap Joseph for a few hours in a hotel room somewhere. "Let's go find out what we can, and if you're a free man, I promise you can have everything tonight."

"What if we don't find out anything? What if I don't remember?"

Logan knew better than to think he could resist Joseph in a hotel room all night-not after that kiss. Rather than admit it, though, he said, "We'll figure that out when the time comes."

It had to be enough. Joseph took a deep breath. Still holding Logan's hand, he prepared to face both his future and his past.

* * *

Their first stop was the hotel Logan had booked, making sure to get one near the bridge since he knew that was where they'd be starting their search. They checked into it and sat in the room facing each other from the two beds, a small strip of carpeting separating them. The temptation was heavy to put off the search until they'd given in to what they wanted most, but Logan knew that if they did, they wouldn't leave the hotel for the entire weekend. It seemed he was always worried about that with Joseph, about things going so far they couldn't turn back in time.

"I'm almost scared to see what our lives will be like if we do end up together," he said with a smile.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Joseph asked, pouting.

"We might never leave the apartment. Or even the bedroom."

Now the pout became a huge grin, Joseph pleased with that answer. "It's a nice thought, isn't it?"

"Except that I have to work at some point to keep us fed and clothed."

"We don't need clothes," Joseph winked. "But a roof over our heads would be nice. Maybe if we find my identity here I can get a job and help out. You'd let me, wouldn't you?"

"Of course. We'll be each others' strength, right?"

"Absolutely." Joseph grinned again, sliding down onto the floor to close the distance between them. Hands on Logan's hips, he asked from between Logan's knees, "Can I kiss you now?"

Eyes falling closed and his breath rushing past his lips, Logan held up a hand to stop Joseph, who was of course halfway there. "Not yet. We need to get out of here, the day's already half over."

"I promise I'll stop."

"I won't." Logan opened his eyes to see Joseph smirking at him smugly.

"What if we time it? I'll set the timer on my phone. Five minutes."

"We'll be naked in two."

"One minute."

Opening his mouth to say no, Logan's brain shorted out somewhere between the thought and the word. He dragged Joseph up off his knees until they were both standing, bodies pressed together and hands in each others' hair while their mouths hungrily took what they craved, the knowledge this could be their last chance driving them on. It was much more than a minute later, Joseph's fingers already having Logan's shirt half-undone, when Logan stepped back forcefully. "Sorry," he panted. "My fault. I started that."

"Let me finish it." Joseph was on him again, lips melting Logan's brain while his hands continued on Logan's shirt, and with a low, tortured moan Logan shoved him back.

"Please, Joseph. I can't...I won't put you in a position to hate yourself later. If there is someone and you still want this, fine. I'm yours. But you have to break it off first, you have to be a free man before I take this step. I want it, fuck I want it so bad, but if you felt that guilty kissing Patrick, imagine how much you'd hate yourself if you slept with me and then remembered someone else you belonged to first. I know how deeply it killed me to hear that you'd kissed Patrick. I wouldn't want to put anyone else through worse. We shouldn't even have kissed in the first place."

Knowing Logan was right but wishing so badly he wasn't, Joseph groaned in frustration; when Logan explained it that way, he couldn't argue. "Fine. But the second we find out I'm single, your ass is mine! Don't even think about stopping me then, because-"

He stopped abruptly at the look on Logan's face, and then they both cracked up over his choice of words. Laughing, they were drawn together until they were hugging. "I love you," Logan chuckled. "I just...I love you so much."

"I know," Joseph smiled, pressing a kiss to Logan's lips. "I love you, too. And I'm so sure there's no one else that I'm ready to do this and get it over with. Let's go."

"Can I button up my shirt first, animal?"

"If you must," Joseph sighed. "I'll miss your skin."

Rolling his eyes, Logan turned away to fix his clothing. "You're that sure, are you?"

"I don't know. I feel it so strongly, that there's never been anyone like you. No one who's loved me the way you do. Even if I had a boyfriend, I don't think he could ever compare."

"I'd like to believe that. But if we can do this without hurting anyone, that would be the best option."

"I agree. I've discovered that one thing I can't stand is hurting people. Especially those I love."

Touched, Logan stepped up to Joseph again for a kiss. "I know you're still terrified. How strongly do you feel that you were running from something you don't want to face?"

"I..." Joseph considered it, and the terror returned. "There has to be a reason I hated myself so much. A reason I wanted to die. You know?"

"Yeah," Logan nodded. "I know. But whatever it is, I'm here. Not leaving your side."

And for that reason, Joseph could do it. He took Logan's hand in his and inhaled a deep breath, then let it out slowly. "Let's do this."

* * *

Logan had considered renting a car for the trip, but in the end decided to go on instinct. That was rare for him, as he hated to be without a plan, but this weekend was about Joseph and he knew that Joseph operated on instinct more than anything else. He would follow Joseph's lead and if the need arose, they could find a car when the time came. He also figured that the memories might be closer to the surface if they kept to Joseph's normal habits, and as he didn't drive (or so they'd come to believe), it made more sense to walk.

Looking at a map, Logan discovered that there was a park that matched up to the angle of Joseph's drawing of the bridge; there were also paths leading to the beach from there, as well as a bike trail that ran the length of the area. "I know where we're going," he told Joseph as they left the hotel. "How would you feel about renting bikes?"

Joseph nodded, allowing Logan to take the lead. He had enough to worry about, his mind on edge and tendrils of fear snaking their way up into his heart.

"Don't force anything," Logan reminded him. "Dr. Coates said to just let it happen." They'd called her on the way to the hotel, asking advice and to let her know of the situation.

"I know. I just feel edgy. Like...panicky. I keep looking around and thinking I should know this stuff, that it should feel familiar. I had those flashes of riding by things but it still doesn't seem familiar to me. I don't get it."

"She said you might be in a place you visited every day and not recognize it. It all depends on what your mind is ready to give up. What you can handle. If you're not ready-"

"But I am. I'm sick of this. Sick of not knowing anything, sick of waiting. It's like you said, my life is on hold. I'm ready to just know everything and deal with it. Move on."

"Or return to it," Logan countered. "You may not be able to just move on, Joseph. You might have to face some things and make them right before you can."

"Then let's face them. Where are we going?"

"This way."

Hands still clasped, they walked the few blocks to the park area, Logan stopping near the entrance. "Here. We can rent bikes."

Once that was taken care of, Joseph looked to Logan for directions again. This time, though, Logan deferred to him. "Just start riding."

"Where?" Joseph asked, hesitant.

"Doesn't matter. Just go. I'll follow."

"Logan, I have no idea where-"

"Just ride. See where you take us."

Obviously feeling that Logan's idea was futile, Joseph rolled his eyes but rested one foot on a pedal, glancing around him. Logan waited patiently as people passed them by, moving around them as they were at what seemed to be a crossroads between the bike trail and a walking trail; he'd never felt more like he was at a crossroads himself.

Finally Joseph shifted, one leg coming down to start the motion while the other was put into place to keep it going, and Logan rolled his bike along in Joseph's wake. They went west on the bike trail, heading in the direction of the bridge that Logan could see in the distance, and he made sure to stay close enough that he'd hear if Joseph yelled back at him. He kept expecting Joseph to stop or to slow down, but the farther they traveled the faster he pedaled, as if he'd discovered treasure and was now in a hurry to claim it. Logan's heart rate also quickened with each passing minute, knowing Joseph was on to something.

But then suddenly Joseph stopped, tires skidding as he locked the brakes, and Logan swerved to avoid crashing into him. "What?"

"Turn around."

Logan did, following Joseph once again, and they took a left at a beach path they'd passed only moments before. As if he knew it was there, Joseph led Logan to a bike rack and halted. "I lock up my bike here and walk down to the beach."

Heart thundering, Logan nodded. "Okay. Let's do it."

Once the bikes were secured with locks provided by the rental facility, Logan turned to Joseph and waited. He thought about holding out a hand for Joseph's but changed his mind when he took in how focused Joseph was; he was looking at the scenery, but was searching inside his mind as well. "This way."

They walked toward the beach, the trail ending a short distance ahead so that they were forced to remove their shoes and trudge through the sand as they approached the water. Close to the shore Joseph's movement stopped, and Logan glanced toward the bridge to see they were in what looked to be the exact position from Joseph's memory. He swallowed, venturing, "What have you remembered?"

"Nothing, really. I just...I knew where to go. This is it, isn't it? Where I was?"

"You tell me. But it sure looks right."

"Yeah."

"You doing okay?"

"Scared. But yeah, otherwise okay."

Logan waited again, unsure what Joseph wanted to do or what he needed, and when Joseph suddenly sat down on the sand Logan joined him. Joseph's hand snaked over and immediately Logan returned the gesture, linking their fingers tight. "How are you...I mean, what sort of feelings are you having?"

Shaking his head, Joseph replied, "A lot of them, but I don't know if it's because I'm so scared or because of this place. It doesn't really look all that familiar to me, and yet...it feels right. Does that make any sense?"

"I guess. Want to call Dr. Coates?"

Joseph considered it for a moment, but then let the idea go. "No, she's busy. And all she can really tell me is to let it happen, to not force it. But Logan, it's...I feel..."

"What?"

"It's right. I know that it's right. This place...I would come here often. Maybe even every day."

Remembering the luck Detective Monroe had had at Reeves Park, Logan suggested, "Should we talk to any of these people around here? See if they recognize you?"

Though he looked as if he was about to close up, Joseph nodded finally and stood, brushing sand off his jeans. Logan did the same, and then with linked hands they started walking along the shore. "Maybe we'd do better on the bike trail," Logan reasoned. "If you know you rode your bike there every day."

"But I also came down here. Or maybe..."

"What?"

"Maybe I only did that day. Because I needed to think."

"You know you love the ocean, though. You probably came here to be in it."

"Yet I didn't surf. Doesn't it seem weird that I would get in the water a lot and not surf?"

Shrugging, Logan replied, "Maybe you did surf and just forgot how." At Joseph's expression of disbelief, he said, "Okay, that sounds far-fetched. I'm pretty sure you'd remember that. You remembered how to drive a car."

"And give blowjobs. I give amazing blowjobs, did I mention that yet?"

"Shut up," Logan laughed, shoving Joseph lightly. "We know all about you and blowjobs."

"Not yet, but you will. Someday," Joseph grinned.

"Can today be someday?"

"I'm hoping."

"Then talk to these people. See what happens. Open up that damn brain of yours, Joseph, I'm going crazy over here!"

"Alright, alright, working on it! Horndog."

Logan chuckled but lifted up slightly to kiss Joseph, who smiled as he bent his head to meet the lips raised to his. The crashing waves, the scent of the ocean, the sand beneath their bare feet, all of it combined to sweep them away in a moment that should have been perfect and damn near was, except for the fact that neither belonged to each other.

_"Can we just pretend? For an hour, can we pretend that what we're feeling is going somewhere and when dinner's over I'm going to take you home and make love to you all night?"_

For the first time, Logan's need for that outweighed his common sense so completely that he lost the will to fight. Everything he'd said to Joseph in the hotel room was still true, but when Joseph was kissing him like this it didn't seem nearly as important, nothing seemed to matter except getting closer and finally taking what he wanted, what they _both _wanted so badly. "Joseph," he whispered between kisses, "we have to-"

"I know, we have to stop, just let me-" The thought was never finished because Joseph's mouth was on him again.

"No," Logan replied, about to argue that he didn't want to stop, not this time, but then there was a voice next to them that intruded on his thoughts, intruded on the perfect moment and on everything Logan had finally succumbed to.

"Jacob? Jacob, is that you? Dude, where you been?"

Breaking apart from each other suddenly, they both turned with wide eyes to take in the man who was so obviously happy to see Joseph it sent a shiver of dread through Logan.

"Are you talking to me?" Joseph asked fearfully.

"Who else would I be talking to? Man, it's good to see you! How was your trip?"

Blinking rapidly and looking as if he was about to faint, Joseph glanced at Logan in terror.

Filled with trepidation himself, Logan slid an arm around Joseph's waist in case he collapsed. "It's okay. I'm right here. It's okay to remember."

A moment later Joseph was steady again, and he turned to face the stranger who was holding a dog on a leash. "Hi. You called me Jacob?"

Eyes narrowing on Joseph and looking confused, the man asked, "What else would I call you? You feeling okay?"

Joseph sighed, Logan unsure if he was relieved or full of dread, and then said, "I think we have a lot to talk about. You got some time?"

* * *

After they'd moved away from the shore, Logan introduced himself and explained the situation to the man, who turned out to be named Greg. He was shorter like Logan, with sun-bleached blond hair and a killer body that showed he was a regular visitor to the gym, and from his lack of anger or hurt at coming upon them mauling each other Logan could only assume there was nothing romantic between Joseph and Greg.

_Thank God. That could've been ugly. No more kissing until we know more._

At first Greg thought he was being pranked, but it wasn't long before he believed that Joseph (or rather Jacob, as Logan now knew him to be) honestly didn't remember him or even this place. What Greg did have, Logan realized soon enough, was answers.

"Do you have time to join us for a while? Maybe go somewhere and talk?"

"Sure," he replied, smiling at Joseph once again in a way that showed how happy he was to see him, and Logan understood then that while there had been nothing going on between Greg and Joseph, it wasn't because Greg hadn't wanted there to be.

_Jacob. His name is Jacob. I need to get used to that._

They agreed to meet up in an hour at a nearby bar that Greg said Jacob was known to frequent, giving Greg time to take his dog home while Logan and Joseph returned the bikes. Just in case, Logan and Greg exchanged phone numbers—he wasn't about to lose this link to Joseph's past.

"So," Logan said once Greg had jogged off with his dog. "Jacob."

"Jacob," he repeated, tasting the word on his tongue.

"A Bible name, right?"

"Yeah," Joseph agreed. "Though I still don't know how I know that. But yeah. Jacob Daniel, according to Greg."

Logan's eyes narrowed. "Two more first names. Same initials. Guess that's where your brain came up with Joseph David."

"Guess so."

"You look like you're gonna be sick. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, just...wow. Why don't I remember him? Or even my name?"

"You're not ready to yet. But we'll find out what we can, okay? He didn't seem too attached to you, or to freak out that you were kissing another guy. That's a good sign, don't you think?"

"Yeah," Joseph said again, and Logan knew he was overwhelmed.

"Come on. Let's get these bikes back and just relax somewhere. If it's too much, if you need time to let it process, we can call Greg and ask to meet for dinner instead."

"No." Shaking his head, Joseph was resolute. "I want to know everything. I want to know it now."

"Okay." Leading Joseph back toward the bikes, Logan held his hand tight and allowed him to sink into silence. He couldn't even imagine what was going on in Joseph's brain right now.

_Jacob. From now on he's Jacob. Accept it, Logan._


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the characters taken from Big Time Rush and placed into this story. I make no money off this.

**Author's Notes:**

If you've read my other Jagan stories, you will notice that the way they react in certain situations and toward each other is a repeated theme. This is because no matter what their circumstances, I see them as interacting and loving each other the same way because they are essentially the same characters who value the same traits in each other. There are things James loves about Logan, and things Logan loves about James. So as you read this you might be thinking "Here we go again" but hopefully it isn't too boring for that. :)

And for those who keep asking, I promise Kendall and Carlos will make an appearance in the story. They each play a part in helping to shape James' future and they will become involved when the time is right.

I know there was something important I wanted to say here. I can't remember now. Well, if there's any confusion, feel free to ask me.

Also THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YOU. YES, YOU. I LOVE YOU.

About a year ago I wrote a story for **kathrynew30**, it was a gift for our one-year friendiversary. The James Diamond in this story is taken directly from that one, though he suffered no amnesia in it. So for that reason, I dedicate this to Kathryn.

I also must dedicate it to **joyousbrokenthing**, who is entirely to blame for this being written at all. She tweeted me one night about a vision of Logan as a scientist building a robot James. This story is of course not that at all, but it got me thinking about a situation where Logan basically helps put James back together and within fifteen minutes I had this story pretty much written in my head. I wasn't planning to write a Jagan next, but it wouldn't leave me alone so here we are. Thanks a lot, Tammy. XD

**Aranelle** and **jdmazz** are helping to shape the direction of this story so much. I knew from the start where it was going, but they're helping me figure out how to get there and their feedback and advice has been invaluable. Seriously could not ask for better betas. I love you both so much.

* * *

"It feels weird when you call me that."

"Jacob, you mean?" Logan questioned from his spot next to Jacob in the booth.

"Yeah. I'm used to Joseph."

Nodding, Logan had to agree. "Me, too. But Jacob is your name. We have to get used to it. Still scared?"

"Terrified," Jacob admitted. "Makes me wish I drank, I could use something to calm me down."

"I know. I'm sorry."

Logan's eyes traveled the bar, noting again that it wasn't the one Joseph (_Jacob_, his mind yelled at him) had drawn. He'd been disappointed, hoping to solve that riddle tonight, but apparently it wouldn't be that easy. "Does this place ring any bells for you? Greg said you came here a lot."

"No. And I feel like it should."

It was more than a bar, really, with a large room nearby that turned into a dance floor in the evenings. Logan had noted staff in there setting up as they walked by, and a vision of Jacob losing himself to the beat flashed through his mind so forcefully that he'd almost had to stop walking. That was a sight he needed to see someday. "Is it just me, or did that guy over there smile at you like he knows you?"

Jacob nodded. "I noticed, too. I've been getting a lot of those smiles since we sat down. They make me nervous."

"Nervous how?"

"I don't know, they're just...like they want something."

As if on cue a stocky gentleman winked at Jacob as he passed the table, and when he looked as if he was about to stop Logan glared at him until he moved on.

"What are you doing?" Jacob asked, amused.

"Nothing."

"I thought you _wanted_ me to talk to people."

"I do, just...you know."

"No, I don't know."

"He looked like he was about to proposition you, okay?" Logan exploded in a low voice. "I'm not allowing that. I get first shot at you."

Grinning and looking more like his old self than he had since Greg appeared, Jacob replied, "Soon, Logan. I have a good feeling tonight's our night."

"It better be. There are way too many guys checking you out in this place. And they all look like they want to eat you up."

"Told you," Jacob said while sliding an arm over Logan's shoulders. "I'm taken. They can suffer. But if you want them all to know, we can kiss."

"Maybe we should."

"Come here," Jacob invited, tilting Logan's chin up, and then of course Greg was there.

"Uh oh, am I interrupting again?" he asked, but he seemed amused rather than offended. "I must have the worst timing."

"It's fine," Logan replied. "Have a seat. Thanks for meeting with us."

"I'm glad I can help. I called Allen, but he's out of town for the night. Said he'd be home in the morning, though. He was really excited to hear you're back in town."

Jacob appeared to search his mind to place the name while Logan questioned, "Who's Allen?"

"His best buddy. I told him about the memory loss. He thought I was joking at first, it's hard to believe somebody just forgets everything overnight, you know?"

"Yes," Logan agreed, glancing at Jacob before taking the plunge. "We have a lot of questions, but there's one that-"

"Do I have a boyfriend?" Jacob interrupted, eyes burning into Greg. "I need to know that now. Is there someone special in my life?"

Greg shook his head slowly, biting his lip as he glanced between the two. "Not that I know of. Allen would know for sure, but...it's hard. Doing what you do and having a boyfriend. You don't remember any of that either, do you?"

Stomach a ball of nerves, Logan turned to Jacob. He was starting to feel sick and suddenly wished Greg would shut up, would keep whatever he knew of Jacob's life to himself.

Jacob, however, was done hiding from it. "I was a hooker, wasn't I?" he asked softly as all the pieces fell into place.

Hesitating, Greg finally said, "Yes. Sometimes you worked here, but I think you usually took them back to your place. I'm sorry, it's not the kind of life anyone ever dreams of having."

Without looking up, Jacob tightened his arm around Logan's shoulders. "Still with me no matter what?" he asked weakly.

The signs had been there. Logan had overlooked some of them, but Jacob's behavior fell in line with it, had from the start. He hated the idea of anyone touching Jacob, the knowledge that so many others had in so many ways, and almost laughed at the fact that a few simple kisses between Patrick and Jacob had upset him so greatly when in reality they were facing something of this magnitude. _At least we know he was safe about it. What the hell did I get myself into?_

But even so, Logan wouldn't change it. He'd known there would be discoveries like this, ones that upset him, but he also knew they would upset Jacob—and that was his main concern. He looked up, realizing only then that his silence was being mistaken as hesitation because Jacob's eyes were filling with tears and his body was trembling.

"Yes," he said firmly. "I'm right here. Still right here with you. Just...you'll give it up, right?"

Nodding eagerly and hardly daring to believe that Logan would still want him, Jacob pulled Logan into his arms. "Swear. I don't know why I was doing it, don't know what led me to it, but I don't need it anymore. I've got you, right?"

"Right here," Logan repeated, his heart beating rapidly as he understood that Jacob was his. Officially his. There was no one else. There might have been a thousand other men, but none could lay claim to him the way Logan would. "You're mine," he said with a relieved laugh. "I don't have to let you go!"

"Never." Jacob's lips searched for his, hungry to finally take what he now knew was his. "Told you," he whispered. "Fucking told you there was nobody like you."

For a short time they forgot about Greg, forgot about everything except the fact that they belonged to one another, lips claiming each other in promise of what was to be their first real night together. When they broke apart Greg was gone, Logan panicking until he spotted the man at the bar.

"He's ordering a drink. Okay, we were rude. Sorry, I just..."

"Don't be. I've waited long enough for that. So even though I fucked guys for money, you still love me? Still want the life we talked about?"

"As long as you do. If you decide at any time that you'd rather return to the life you had before-"

"As a prostitute? Fuck no. Why would I want any of that when I could have you?"

That made Logan smile. "Still not remembering anything?"

"No. And that frustrates me. But I know Greg isn't lying, it explains why all these guys look like they want to approach me."

"They need to back off. You're taken."

Jacob grinned hugely, settling Logan's head on his shoulder. "Completely. I'm gonna fuck your brains out tonight."

Logan's entire body shuddered, breath catching just as Greg returned to the table.

"Sorry about that," Jacob apologized. "It's just that we've been holding back, worried I might have a boyfriend or wife or something."

"No, nothing like that, I don't think," Greg replied. With a smirk in Logan's direction, he said, "You're a stronger man than I. I would've cracked and attacked him by now."

"I came close this afternoon," Logan chuckled. "It hasn't been easy. So what else can you tell us? You mentioned a place? Does Joseph have his own place?" When Greg looked confused, Logan sighed. "Sorry. I mean Jacob. We've been calling him Joseph."

"Ah. Yeah, I know you have your own place but I don't know where. You never took me there. Which...that sounds bad. But I just mean nobody really knows where you live except...you know."

"Yeah," Jacob said. "The customers. What about Allen? We're just friends?"

"As far as I know, yes. I'm pretty sure he would've told me if it was more."

"Where did I meet him?"

"I'm pretty sure you met here."

"Is he a..." Logan asked hesitantly.

"Sometimes," Greg replied. To Jacob he said, "He doesn't do it as often as you. He's got an actual job. With you it was like...a lifestyle."

"Right." Cheeks red, Jacob sighed. "I guess it doesn't surprise me. At least I know now why I was so willing to take money from Patrick."

"Joseph..." Logan said softly, kissing his chin. "Don't do that. You can't change the past. Focus on our future."

"You called me Joseph again," Jacob laughed.

"That's going to be really hard to get used to," Logan complained. "But worth it, as long as we know who you are."

"What else can you tell me?" Jacob wanted to know.

Considering Jacob, Greg replied, "I know you bike everywhere, don't drive."

"That much I remembered," Jacob said, shifting so that Logan was more comfortable against him. "Any idea why?"

"Nope."

"Did I ever talk about my family?"

"Not to me. Allen told me once you're really private about your past, that you don't like to talk about your life before San Fran."

Logan suddenly sat up straight, the dread returning. "Where did he come from?"

"I don't know."

"How long have I lived here?" Jacob asked.

"I'd say about two years? As far as I know? I'm sorry, guys, I wish Allen was here. He'll know the answers to these questions."

Thoughts tumbling through Logan's mind, he turned to Jacob. "So there was a life before San Francisco. You're not from here."

"I lived here for a while, though."

"Greg," Logan started, "do you know if Jacob's ever been in a car crash?"

"Not while he lived here, no. He wouldn't even get into a cab. I'm pretty sure his place is near here, because I think he always walked there with his customers. He didn't like to do his business here."

Jacob nodded, absorbing that, while Logan decided they needed to find this place of Jacob's as soon as possible.

"I didn't do drugs, did I?"

"You? Please," Greg laughed. "You don't even drink! We tried to get you drunk a few times, but you wouldn't even try a beer."

_So that means whatever horrible thing happened, it happened before you came here. Why don't you remember this stuff, Joseph?_ "And I suppose he didn't try to kill himself while he lived here, either?"

"Oh. That." Greg shook his head. "We always wondered about that but nobody ever asked. Like I said, he's really private about his past."

"The scars were there when you met him?"

"I assume so. Didn't notice them right away but he never tried anything while he lived here, so..."

"How do I know you?" Jacob suddenly asked. "You weren't a customer and we didn't speak enough for you to know everything about me, so how do you fit into this?"

"I work here," Greg replied. "I watched you do your thing every night."

They were quiet for a few minutes, letting all the new information process, and then Jacob surprised Logan by asking, "Was I any good at it?"

Greg threw his head back and laughed, Logan rolling his eyes. "You were the best I've ever seen," Greg answered. "You'd get out there and dance, all made up with eyeliner and lip gloss and leather pants, and every guy would be drooling over you within five minutes. This place took a hit when you disappeared, because a lot of our customers came here just for you."

Logan stared at Jacob, those visions of a dance floor returning, this time with the addition of leather pants and make-up. "Jesus," he whispered, reaching for his drink and downing half of it.

Satisfied to know he was as hot as he'd imagined himself to be, Jacob moved on to another topic. "When you first saw me, you said something about a trip. Did I plan to go to L.A.?"

"Is that where you went? I never heard where, I just knew you were leaving. You said you'd be back in a few weeks, if things went okay."

"What things?"

"I don't know. You didn't talk about it. Ask Allen."

Jacob groaned, frustrated and wanting answers, but Logan squeezed his thigh. "Hey. Don't rush it, hot stuff. We've already gotten way more than we imagined we would."

"Did you just call me 'hot stuff'?" Jacob grinned, eyes dancing as he looked into Logan's.

"Sounds like you were."

"Except for the kissing thing," Greg supplied.

"What?" Jacob asked, brows furrowed as he turned his attention back to Greg.

"You refused to kiss anyone. That was your rule, and I heard a lot of guys complaining about it but that never stopped them from doing business with you. You would fuck anyone in the world, but you had a strict rule about kissing. To be honest, I was shocked to see you kissing this guy so much. I think that's why I believed you about the memory loss, because the Jacob I know wouldn't be kissing anyone like that."

Again, Logan's brain went into overdrive. Jacob hated kissing Patrick, or so he'd said. Logan had no reason to doubt that, especially now. Yet with Logan, he'd begged for kissing from the start. What the hell did that mean?

"Guess you're pretty special," Jacob said softly in a voice carrying the love and devotion that had grown over the weeks. "Told you, didn't I?"

Emotions threatening to spill over, Logan could only nod. "You do love me."

"Did you doubt it?"

"No. I'm able to read you well enough that I know when you're lying, remember?"

Smiling, Jacob replied, "That's one of the few things I _can_ remember."

Temped to kiss Jacob now, Logan simply returned his head to Jacob's shoulder. There would be time enough for that later.

* * *

Not much more was discovered from Greg, and though Logan brought up the idea of talking to some of the bar's regulars, Greg felt they wouldn't be able to add anything worthwhile since Jacob was so closed-off even to those he'd bonded with in the time he'd lived there.

"But they could tell us where he lived," Logan pointed out. "We need to find that."

"True," Greg considered, watching Jacob. "You want to talk to someone?"

"Anyone here that would know?"

Greg stood up and looked around the bar. "I'm not too sure. A lot of these guys are regulars but I don't know if you've ever taken any of them home. Give it about an hour, there are a few guys who come in for the dancing that I know were regulars of yours."

Logan nodded, really not wanting to witness any of those men near Jacob but understanding it was necessary. "Are you working tonight?" he asked Greg.

"Not for a few hours. I actually need to get home and take care of some things before work. You guys cool now?"

"Yeah," Jacob replied. "Thanks, buddy. For everything. I'm sorry I don't remember you, you seem like a cool guy."

"We always got along well," Greg smiled. "Not like that, but...you know. If you do decide to leave San Fran after all this, make sure you say goodbye."

"I will. Thanks." They shook hands and Greg headed to the bar to speak to someone before leaving the place.

"Wow," Jacob finally said.

"Indeed," Logan nodded. "Eyeliner and lip gloss, huh?"

Surprised, Jacob glanced at Logan. "That's what you focus on? After everything he just told us, you're thinking about the fact that I wore make-up?"

Logan shrugged, watching his finger play in a drop of water on the table. "Just picturing it. Leather pants, too, apparently."

A slow smile spread over Jacob's face and he nuzzled Logan's ear. "If we find my place I'll dress up for you. Your own private show."

Breathless, Logan scooted away and stood. "I need the restroom. Don't go anywhere?"

"Where would I go?" Jacob smirked, enjoying the effect he was having on Logan. "I'll be here."

In the restroom Logan closed himself into a stall and processed everything, let all the new information work itself into place. He wished they'd been smart enough to bring the notebook, but he hadn't thought they would need it. _Stupid. Always bring the notebook, you should know that._ What he needed most was to make a list of everything, to study it and put it into an order that made sense.

Jacob was a prostitute. He'd lived in San Francisco for about two years and spent his time at the beach, in a gym, and in this place where he picked up men and took them to what was most likely his home to conduct his business. Then what? Would he return here for the next customer? Dance the night away until he was approached again? There were still so many unanswered questions.

_Jacob Daniel. At least we have a name. We'll get that to Detective Monroe, or maybe go to the police here._

And yet...Jacob was a prostitute. Prostitution was illegal in the state of California.

_Damn. We may be on our own at this point. No media, either. I'm not losing him, not now. We need to find his home._

Who was this Allen guy? Obviously the person closest to Jacob in the world. If anyone knew something worthwhile, he would be the one, and Logan wished they'd been smart enough to get his phone number. Remembering that he had Greg's, though, he pulled out his phone and sent a quick text asking for Allen's number. By the time he'd left the restroom, he had a reply. Maybe they should just call Allen and ask for directions.

Logan's steps slowed as he approached their table to find Jacob laughing with a man who had taken his seat. The man had an arm slung over Jacob's shoulders and was sitting much too close for Logan's liking. Logan stemmed an urge to tear the man to pieces, adrenaline rushing through him as he stood a few tables away and watched. If the man tried to kiss Jacob, it was on.

What Logan noticed next, though, was that Jacob didn't seem scared or uncomfortable. He was openly flirting right back with the man, and though Logan couldn't hear what they were saying, that much was obvious in his body language. _What the fuck are you doing? You belong to me._

When Jacob laughed once again, Logan could stand it no more. He slid into the booth across from them, affecting a friendly smile that belied the rage swirling inside him. "Hi, guys. Mind if I join you?"

The man's smile died, his eyes growing hard as he met Logan's gaze. "Wait your turn, asshole. This is my time."

"Actually, it's mine. I've been waiting a month and I'm not going anywhere."

"I've been waiting just as long, so back off."

"Logan," Jacob interrupted, "it's okay-"

"It's _not_ okay," Logan argued, lips twisting into a forced smile. "You're going home with me tonight."

"Dude, back the fuck off," the guy sighed. "He can do business with whoever he wants. Obviously it's me he wants first. Get over it."

"Actually..." Jacob shifted away, out of the man's embrace. "I was hoping you could help me. I need-"

"Nothing." Not caring how rude he sounded, Logan continued, "You don't need anything from him."

"But he could tell us-"

"_Nothing_. I've got it handled. All you need is me."

The man rolled his eyes. "Look, Jacob, are we doing this or not? It's been a long time and you're worth the wait, but if it's not happening tell me now."

"I'll tell you," Logan volunteered. "It's not happening. Get the fuck away from my man."

Jacob remained silent, staring intently at Logan.

"I don't need this shit." Standing, the man added, "I'll catch you another night, Jacob. Glad you're back."

Though Logan glared at the guy until he was a good distance from the table, Jacob didn't even seem to notice the movement, gaze trained on Logan because now he was the one breathless. "We need to go back to the hotel now."

Slowly Logan's attention returned to Jacob. "I was thinking about calling Allen. I got his number, we can-"

"No, Logan. Hotel. _Now_."

And then it penetrated, the intensity of the lust radiating from every fiber of Jacob's being. "Oh," he managed softly. So this was it.

Literally dragging him out of the booth, Jacob made a beeline for the door, grip hard on Logan's wrist but Logan didn't care, welcomed the ownership and need it symbolized. He looked around when they were outside, getting his bearings to figure out which direction the hotel was, but Jacob seemed to already know.

Less than a block away Jacob tugged him inside a building, Logan discovering it was the hotel and surprised because he hadn't realized they were so close to it. Once alone in the elevator Logan launched himself at Jacob, but Jacob held him off with a hand to his chest. "Not yet," he breathed. "Not yet."

Jacob was stretched like a taut wire, Logan sensing that it was taking everything in him to keep himself contained. "Are you okay?"

Shaking his head, Jacob watched the numbers shifting on the panel as the elevator rose. "Got your key handy?"

"Right here." Logan slid his fingers into a pocket, Jacob ripping the card away the second it appeared, and then finally they were free from the elevator.

He was dragged down the hall, wrist still in a vise as Jacob slid the card neatly into the slot and extracted it. The door opened, they were in, and then the storm was unleashed.

* * *

It was almost violent the way Jacob attacked him, Logan not putting up a fight or even wanting to because he was just as desperately ripping Jacob's clothing away. Their mouths stayed busy as they worked, mostly on each others' but occasionally sliding down to suck and bite at bare skin that was revealed. They hadn't even bothered to turn on lights but stumbled their way to the nearest bed, and it was only when they were both naked and they'd gone as far as they dared with hands that Logan pushed Jacob away and reached out for the lamp he knew was there.

"No way, not stopping, don't even think about it this time, Logan," Jacob growled, immediately coming after him.

"Hang on," Logan panted. "I have...suitcase...always prepared."

The light was flipped on and Logan slid off the bed to lift his suitcase up onto the other bed, where he dug for what he'd bought at a drugstore the morning before in hopes they'd get to this point. "I didn't bother with condoms, figured we didn't need them but-"

"Jesus fucking...I love you, Logan. Fucking love you so much." Ripping the lube out of Logan's hand, Jacob put it to use on himself immediately. "Get back here. Now."

_For someone who seems to know about the Bible, you sure do cuss a lot. Maybe it's knowledge from when you were a kid._ Though once they'd arrived in San Francisco, Logan had noticed a slight hardening in Jacob, as if the street-smart side of him was emerging the longer they stayed here. Perhaps this was the part of his personality Logan had been warned about, the slut who would fuck anything at any time without giving it a second thought.

Then again, the way Jacob was manhandling him now was certainly not unwelcome. It woke up a more aggressive side of Logan that he hadn't had much experience with, but he let it out now, willingly gave himself up to Jacob's demands and rough touches, and then finally they were where they'd wanted to be from almost the first moment of meeting.

Jacob had it in him to be gentle, Logan sensed that much, and if he'd asked he knew Jacob would be so for him. He didn't, though, and so it was over much more quickly than either of them wanted it to be due to the frenzy they'd worked each other into. The room was kept at a comfortable temperature but they laid together after sweating anyway, attempting to slow their racing hearts. It was the easily the best sex Logan had ever had, though admittedly he hadn't had nearly as much as most men his age probably had—or maybe it was just that Jacob was that amazing.

_He's had enough practice, it shouldn't surprise you._

Logan halted that thought process before it could go any further, keeping in mind that Jacob felt horrible enough about that part of his past and they needed to move on from it, not dwell.

_He's with me now. Mine. No one else's, not ever again._

"I can honestly say that was worth the wait," Jacob finally said, breaking the silence between them.

"Definitely," Logan agreed, lifting his face up to meet the kiss he knew was waiting for him, and then shifting until he'd moved to lay over Jacob, deepening the kiss while their hands linked together above Jacob's head.

"Can't stop kissing you," Jacob whispered. "Waited forever for this."

"I know."

More time was devoted to simply that, tasting each other, until Jacob sighed in contentment. "Didn't I tell you, Logan? Didn't I tell you?"

"Yes," Logan smiled. "So you sensed it?"

"I did. I was afraid to put any faith in it, but I sensed that there was no one else, that you were the one for me."

"Well, it sounds like there were quite a few men who enjoyed your company."

Jacob nodded slowly. "I'm sorry about that. I don't remember any of it but-"

"Don't be sorry. There was a reason for it. I'm sure it wasn't what you dreamed of doing with your life when you were a kid."

"I wish I knew. But you still love me? You're not disgusted?"

"No, not disgusted. I admit it doesn't thrill me, and if you step foot in that bar again and someone approaches you they'll lose their head, but I'm not going to judge you."

"You're amazing," Jacob smiled, hugging Logan tight. "I've treated you like shit and you still-"

"How have you treated me like shit?"

"You know. Patrick. And now this? I wouldn't blame you if you ran off screaming."

Shaking his head, Logan gently kissed Jacob. "I'm yours if you want me."

"The more we find out, though...I'm scared. You heard what Greg said. I didn't talk about my past. There's more we have to figure out."

"I'm aware of that. Still right here."

"I love you," Jacob whispered, the words reflected in his eyes. "I hope you know that, how much you mean to me."

"I do, because I feel the same way."

Sighing again, Jacob looked for the first time as if he was at peace. "I know we need to call this Allen guy and find my house but can we just-"

"Yes." Anticipating Jacob's question, Logan nodded. It wasn't the smart thing to do, but he needed the same thing Jacob did. "We have tomorrow. For tonight, let's just enjoy this. Each other and finally being able to give in to it."

"All night, Logan. All night I'm rocking your world."

Logan grinned, loving the sound of that. "I'm rocking yours, too."

"Mmm, please." Lifting his legs to wrap around Logan, Jacob smiled. "Anything you want. But..."

_Uh oh._ Logan didn't like "buts." "What?"

"Can we get some food? We haven't eaten since breakfast and I'm starving."

"Is that all?" Chuckling, Logan kissed him in relief. "We can definitely eat. Room service okay? I bet they have ice cream."

Jacob's face lighting up was the answer Logan had hoped for, but then he frowned. "Wait, you're a doctor. Shouldn't you be telling me not to eat so many sweets?"

"It's a special night. We're celebrating."

"Yes," Jacob agreed, seeming to melt. "We certainly are."


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the characters taken from Big Time Rush and placed into this story. I make no money off this.

**Author's Notes:**

Well, this is my "take everything I have written before I go on vacation because who knows when I'll get around to posting again" chapter of this story. Oh wait, I did that last month, too. Well...enjoy this anyway. I know it's a bad place to leave it but at least there's no major cliffhanger here! If I manage to get anything more written between now and Wednesday night I'll post that as well, but don't count on it. BTR in three days! WOOHOO! I'm excited.

So in case you haven't noticed by now, I tend to mix up names a lot when I write. I try to catch all the mistakes before I post but sometimes I miss them. Thank you **Greengirl17** for catching it in the last chapter, and if anyone notices it again please feel free to let me know so I can fix it. A reminder that while the discoveries James and Logan make in San Francisco may seem confusing now, it'll all be explained eventually. :)

And lastly, I know the uh...consummation between Logan and James was rushed and not very detailed in the last chapter, but I really don't want the story to be deleted so I'm trying to be careful and not go too far. I'm sorry if anyone felt cheated for that, I just didn't want to take a chance.

Also THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YOU. YES, YOU. I LOVE YOU.

About a year ago I wrote a story for **kathrynew30**, it was a gift for our one-year friendiversary. The James Diamond in this story is taken directly from that one, though he suffered no amnesia in it. So for that reason, I dedicate this to Kathryn.

I also must dedicate it to **joyousbrokenthing**, who is entirely to blame for this being written at all. She tweeted me one night about a vision of Logan as a scientist building a robot James. This story is of course not that at all, but it got me thinking about a situation where Logan basically helps put James back together and within fifteen minutes I had this story pretty much written in my head. I wasn't planning to write a Jagan next, but it wouldn't leave me alone so here we are. Thanks a lot, Tammy. XD

**Aranelle** and **jdmazz** are helping to shape the direction of this story so much. I knew from the start where it was going, but they're helping me figure out how to get there and their feedback and advice has been invaluable. Seriously could not ask for better betas. I love you both so much.

* * *

They slept in chunks that night, waking each other up every so often to make up for lost time. By morning Logan's body was sore from muscles that hadn't been put to use much until then, but he woke feeling satisfied and refreshed. He smiled as he stretched next to Jacob, considering waking him up for one more session before they had to face reality again, and as if sensing him Jacob opened his eyes.

He let out a happy sigh and grinned. "Hey, cutie."

"Morning, stranger." Leaning in for a light kiss, Logan asked, "Sleep well?"

"Like a rock, when I did. Didn't get a whole lot of it. Not complaining, though. Every night should be like this."

"Every night will be. Do you realize that? We can do this now, actually _do_this if we want. Plan a future."

"Oh, I want." Jacob wrapped his arms around Logan and hugged him close. "Mine now. But really you have been since the first time I said you were cute. You wanted to see me naked in that emergency room."

"I'm only human," Logan chuckled. "You're a god."

"I do look pretty damn good," Jacob agreed. "But I won't if I don't get out there and start running again. And Greg mentioned a gym?"

"Doesn't surprise me, you've got the body to prove it. But yes, we need to get you back into one."

Jacob nodded, snuggling up to Logan. "We need to get me an I.D. of some kind now that we know who I am. I bet there's one at the house."

"But you had to have one to travel, right? How did you get from here to L.A.?"

"Oh, I hadn't thought of that. There must be something I left behind somewhere. I got on a bus in L.A. but from where?"

"This is why you need to remember, Joseph. Because we can find everything about your life and still have questions."

Smirking, Jacob commented, "You did it again."

"Damn. Jacob. Sorry. It's just...you're my Joseph. It's hard to think of you by another name."

"I know, but I'm still the same guy. I still love you and I'm still going to get pissed when you eat up all the cookies I baked."

_"Helped_bake," Logan corrected with a smile. "And I welcome that anger if it means you're with me."

"Stuck with me now, cutie."

Logan's smile became a wide grin as Jacob kissed him. It was all he'd wanted from the moment Jacob had said, _"But I want it to be you. Why can't it be you?"_

Now it would be.

* * *

After transferring Allen's number into his own phone, Jacob placed the call. It was early but he hoped to at least speak to Allen long enough to get an address.

Logan hovered nearby, cleaning up the mess from their early-morning meal. He watched Jacob's face shift when the call was answered.

"Hi, Allen? I think Greg called you, this is Jacob?"

Jacob was quiet as the response was given, but Logan could hear enough to know Allen's greeting was warm.

"No, it's true. I honestly don't remember anything. I'm sorry, Greg said you were a good friend of mine but it's all a fog. Yeah. I mean, I remembered enough to get us this far, but I don't actually remember living here."

Dropping the trash into a nearby can, Logan moved back to the table and joined Jacob, a hand covering fingers that had been nervously tapping a beat on the wood. Jacob's hand flipped over immediately, taking the comfort offered by Logan's and squeezing.

"Well, no, we just came up here for the weekend to see what we could find out. Ran into Greg on the beach. Yeah. What we really need is an address, because I don't even know where I live. Do I live alone?" Nodding slowly, Jacob said, "Yeah, Greg told us that. I'm here with-oh. Okay. He'll be with me. So we can meet up?"

Less than a minute later Jacob was hanging up the phone. "He'll meet us here in about an hour."

"At our room?"

"No, the lobby. We can talk down there, maybe?"

"There's a little café I saw near the registration desk. What did he say about me?"

"Nothing, just that Greg mentioned I was here with my doctor. That was before he knew we were more, I guess. Sounds funny to call you that now."

"That's because I'm so much more," Logan smiled. "I expect to be introduced as your boyfriend."

"And I expect to be excited when the word leaves my mouth. _Boyfriend."_

Chucking, Logan tugged Jacob closer for a kiss. "You ready for this?"

"No, not really. But you're here, so I can handle it."

Happy to be the one who made Jacob feel safest, Logan asked, "So you're sure you want to give up whatever life you had here and start a new one with me?"

"I told you, there's nothing here for me. Nothing that could compare to you." When Logan's lips twisted into a grimace, he added, "No matter what Allen has to say. He's not gonna change my mind about you."

"He sounded excited to hear from you."

"He really did," Jacob sighed. "This was what I feared, meeting people who care about me without me remembering them at all. I might even have parents and brothers and sisters that I don't remember."

Shifting so that Jacob was wrapped in his arms, Logan pointed out, "Don't you think they would've come looking for you by now? Detective Monroe is still keeping an eye on the missing persons reports that come in."

"I don't know, maybe. Or maybe my family wants nothing to do with me because I'm a hooker."

Logan let out a sigh. "It's possible, but we can't worry about what might be. Let's focus on what we do know, what we _do_find out."

"Our future, you mean?" Jacob grinned, laying his head on Logan's shoulder.

"On whatever we need to know," Logan replied. "It'll come to you when you need it."

"I hope you're right. This not knowing anything fucking sucks."

Nodding, Logan had to agree.

* * *

The first thing Logan noticed about Allen was he was insanely gorgeous. Tall and built like Jacob, he walked with a strut that showed he was used to eyes on him whenever he moved. Of course in Logan's mind he was no match for the beauty Jacob radiated, but the chestnut curls that fell over his forehead and the winning smile he favored Jacob with upon sight were enough to give Jacob a run for his money in the looks department.

"Dude!" Rising from the plush chair he'd been seated in, he closed the distance between them and hugged Jacob to himself, Jacob stiff in his arms but allowing it. Logan did as well, knowing that jealousy was something he needed to work on and this man obviously cared about Jacob. Stepping back, Allen joked, "You're gettin' a little soft, buddy. You been eating too many cookies again?"

Yes, this man definitely knew Jacob well. Logan stood to the side, watching Jacob laugh in spite of his nerves. "Blame this guy, he likes to bake when he's stressed."

Logan hadn't realized Jacob understood that, that his late-night baking stemmed from a need to distract himself with a comforting task like cooking. Surprised, he smiled at Jacob.

"And he shares with you?" Allen asked. "That's generous."

"I mostly do it for him," Logan supplied. "Though the last few times he's helped me. We make a great team."

Not missing the comment for the claim it was, Allen's gaze narrowed. "So do we. Jacob and I spend a lot of time together. Doing a lot of things. _Together_."

Logan's body went cold, the blood draining from his face. No way in hell did he miss the insinuation there.

With a frown Jacob said, "Greg told us you and I were just friends."

"Greg doesn't know everything," Allen replied smoothly. "You and I_ are_ friends, very close ones. Can I talk to you privately for a moment?"

_No. No, not now. I finally have you, I can't lose you now. No._ Feeling nauseous, Logan turned fearful eyes on Jacob, who spoke to Allen. "Give me a minute."

After dragging Logan far enough away, he whispered, "I don't know what's going on, but don't freak out. I'm yours. No matter what I had with this guy, I'm yours. That's not gonna change."

Logan couldn't quell the terror that was clawing at him, though, as he tried to relax. Allen was gorgeous, he seemed like a good match for Jacob in ways Logan couldn't compete with, and there was obviously something between them—enough that Allen had felt the need to make it known.

"Logan." When Logan met his eyes, Jacob smiled and tilted his chin up. "I love you. No one's gonna change that." Logan nodded minutely, knowing Jacob meant the words now but wondering if he would by tomorrow, after Mr. Perfect had wormed his way in.

Knowing what Logan needed, Jacob touched their lips together, and just like that Logan was calm again. It was in his kiss, how much Jacob loved and treasured him. Logan deepened it, a hand rising to keep Jacob there with a touch to his cheek, and when they finally broke apart both were smiling.

"I love you, too," Logan said softly.

Ready now to face the new development, Logan nudged Jacob back toward Allen, only then noticing the shock on his face.

"You kissed him," Allen gaped. "You don't kiss anybody."

"Just me," Logan agreed with a huge grin, unable to keep from gloating over it.

"Allen mentioned that, too," Jacob nodded. "I didn't kiss you?"

"No. We did everything else, but we never...you wouldn't allow that. Wow, this...okay. I mean... Greg said you brought your doctor, and I could tell right away he was into you. Knowing you I figured you two were fucking, I mean you go crazy without sex every few days and you have to get it somewhere. But..." Taking a deep breath, Allen asked, "You really _don't_ remember anything, do you?"

Jacob shook his head. "I'm sorry. I know it has to hurt, us being that close and I don't remember you. But Logan isn't my doctor anymore, he hasn't been since the first day I walked into the hospital. He was my friend, and now he's my boyfriend. I don't know what I left behind, but that much from my new life is staying. I'm not leaving him."

Allen smiled, surprising both of them. "You always had this idea of the perfect guy. I told you he didn't exist, that you needed to lower your standards or you'd never find love."

"Did I want to find love? Was I happy doing what I do?"

"You weren't _un_happy. You liked the job, liked knowing you can bring people a few moments of happiness in their otherwise dreary lives. You were never ashamed of it like a lot of them are; you and I had that in common, we didn't see it as a trap. We chose to do it."

_He liked it. Chose to do it. Probably misses it and doesn't even know it._

As if reading his thoughts, Jacob took Logan's hand in his. "Well, that's gonna stop. I have no desire for that now."

"So...you're just gonna move away? Give up your life here? Dude, you were happy here, at least until you took off. That day...something was up and you wouldn't talk about it. Next thing I know you're calling to tell me you're taking a trip but you won't say where or for how long. I was worried."

Now it was Jacob who looked nauseous. "Why don't we go grab a cup of coffee in that café?" Logan suggested. "We can sit down for a little bit and talk about everything."

Jacob nodded, letting Logan lead him into the restaurant and pulling him closer once they were seated with Allen across the booth. They ordered drinks and breakfast for Allen, Logan also ordering a slice of pie for Jacob since sweets seemed to be his comfort food, for which Jacob gave him a grateful smile.

Once the server moved away, Logan got the conversation back on track. "We have a lot of questions, things we don't understand, but according to Greg there wasn't much that Jacob told anyone about his past. Is that the case?"

Allen nodded. "Yeah, when I first met you and we started hanging out, you told me early on that you don't talk about your past or your family. Because I kept talking about mine, and when I'd ask about yours you refused to even discuss it."

"Is there anyone else?" Jacob tried. "I believe you when you say we were close, but there isn't anyone else I might have talked to about that stuff?"

"No way," Allen replied. "You were friendly with the ones you took home but always kept that distance. I was the one person you could relax around, you told me that once. Said around everyone else you felt like you were acting, playing a part. You kept up an image of sorts. But even with me, you were extremely closed off when it came to your past. You did say you moved here to find a fresh start."

A sliver of fear worked its way into Jacob's eyes, Logan laying a comforting hand on his thigh.

"Did I say where I was from?" Jacob wanted to know.

"New York."

"New York?" Logan sat up straight. "What part?"

"Jamestown, I think he said? Some place I'd never heard of."

"So you _were_ near snow," Logan reasoned. "Or at least a colder climate."

"Jamestown," Jacob said softly, running it through his mind.

"Anything?" Logan asked, a hand on Jacob's thigh.

"No," he finally sighed. "I hate this."

The food arrived, Allen digging into his breakfast while Jacob wasted no time getting to work on his pie. Through a mouthful, he asked, "Did I ever tell you why I don't drive? Or why I tried to kill myself?"

"No. You said you refused to talk about it."

"Fuck!" Jacob exclaimed. "Why was I such an asshole about it? Why couldn't I just tell someone? Makes me want to go back in time and punch myself."

Logan sighed now, leaning his head on Jacob's shoulder. Jacob's arm automatically came up, the habit of keeping Logan close one he'd easily fallen into.

"Damn," Allen marveled. "I've never seen you so affectionate. You weren't like that with me."

"Did you want me to be?" Jacob asked curiously.

"Honestly...no. What we have is pretty awesome, we're buddies who keep each other from letting it all get too serious. I have a job, the hooking is more an escape from the pressure of that. And you're part of it, that whole escape. It's fun. We spent a lot of time together at your place when we weren't working. You had gotten to a point where you didn't have to work every night, you could choose how often you did it."

"Wait, so I've got money?" Jacob set down his fork, the pie forgotten. "Like...a lot of money?"

"Last time I saw you open your safe, you did. You might've taken it all with you, I don't know. I haven't been in your place since you left. Did you let Brad know you're in town?" When both of them looked lost, Allen rolled his eyes at his question. "Sorry, I wasn't thinking. You don't even know who Brad is, do you?"

"No. You said I lived alone."

"Yeah, but you rent the place from him. It's a guest house behind his, a few blocks from here. I asked him last week if he'd heard from you and he said no, was wondering what he should do with your stuff."

"I have stuff, too?" Perking up, Jacob grinned at Logan. "Babe, I have stuff! And money."

Logan chuckled. "We'll take what we can back home. You don't happen to have a key to the place, do you, Allen?"

"Nah, I never went in unless Jacob was with me. But dude, you're really leaving me? I finally get my bro back only to say goodbye?"

Feeling guilty, Jacob shrugged. "I'm sorry. But I have to be honest and tell you that even if I did remember everything, I'm pretty sure I'd still choose to live with Logan. He makes me happy."

A smile stretched Logan's lips, the words reassuring him. He lifted his face enough to kiss Jacob's jaw, and Jacob turned his mouth for a soft meeting of lips. "I'm not leaving you," he whispered. "Promise."

Allen shook his head in wonder. "Unbelievable. You disappear, lose your memory, and end up finding the thing you wanted most in life? But you can't even remember that you wanted it or why."

"Why?" Jacob echoed. "Was there was a particular reason?"

"Just...you wanted the romance. You wanted someone who could love you for the side no one else ever saw, who would give you that whole forever ideal. I kept telling you that no one could ever love that side of you if you never showed it, but you said when you met the right person you'd be able to. That your walls would come down, so to speak."

While Logan was overwhelmed with the knowledge Jacob had been looking for him without even meaning to, Jacob ran a hand over his hair. "My walls apparently went down so far I can't even find the foundation to rebuild them."

"I'm okay with that," Logan murmured. "I like you without walls."

"But to know who I am and where I came from would be good."

"Yes," Logan agreed. "That would be best." He lifted his head from Jacob's shoulder and urged him to finish the pie. "Allen, how did you meet him?"

"At the bar. He showed up one night and I knew right away why he was there, worked it like a pro. Stole some of my regulars, pissed me the hell off. But then we got past that and ended up friends. Wherever you came from, you'd already been doing the job."

"Nice. So I'm a professional hooker."

Allen nodded. "Best I've ever seen. A lot of guys are gonna be disappointed if you move away."

Jacob shook his head. "Not even close to enough to keep me away from Logan."

When Logan grinned at him, Jacob forked up the last bite and offered it to him, Logan opening his mouth with a silent thank you.

"And you share pie with him. Yeah, this guy's special. Don't let him go."

"I don't plan to," Jacob replied to Allen, leaning down for a second to lick at a stray smudge of whipped cream on Logan's bottom lip. It amazed Logan that even that small gesture could wake up his body so completely, but he tamped down the desire. They had all the time in the world now.

"Anything else you guys want to ask? I'm trying to think if there's anything I might know that'll help."

Forcing his attention back to Allen, Jacob thought it over. "So I just suddenly decided to take a trip? And wouldn't tell you where?"

"Yeah, we walked back from the club one night and you started getting really distant and moody. When I asked what was wrong you got testy about it, told me to mind my own fucking business. We got into a fight, but I didn't leave because I could tell something was really bothering you. The next morning I went to work but I called you a few hours into it and you were...weird. More distant. You didn't even want to talk to me so I let you go, but then on my lunch you called and told me you were taking a trip and would be gone a few weeks. You wouldn't tell me anything, though, so I assumed it had to do with your past or your family. I called you a few times after you left but I always got voicemail. Now I know why."

"When?" Logan asked. "What day did he leave?"

"Uh...hold on." Allen whipped out a phone and scrolled through his call log, finally reading off a date that was the day before he'd walked into the emergency room. Jacob and Logan stared at each other, pondering the new information.

"So you left here because...why?" Logan wondered.

"I don't know," Jacob answered. "Something must have upset me. Probably whatever it was that made me hate myself so much at the beach."

"You _were_ at the beach," Allen interrupted. "When I called you from work, you were at the beach. I could hear it."

Pulling at his hair, Jacob groaned, "Why can't I remember, this is so frustrating!"

"We'll get there," Logan soothed, gripping Jacob's hand. "It'll take time, but we'll get there. And when you do, I'm not going anywhere. Okay?"

Jacob let out a long breath, nodding. "Okay. Let's go see what kind of stuff I have."

"It's actually not a whole lot," Allen volunteered. "You live simply. Most of the money you did spend went to clothes and shoes for the job. You love to dress up."

Jacob grinned. "Greg mentioned that, something about make-up and leather pants?"

"_All_ kinds of pants. Your closet is every gay man's dream. But otherwise you-"

"Wait," Logan interrupted suddenly. "Did he draw?"

"Oh. Yeah! He has this book full of pictures, but he would only show me some of them. Private about that, too. He's got some serious talent, though."

A sliver of uneasiness worming its way into Logan's heart, he said, "Show us."

* * *

The three walked the few blocks to Jacob's home, Jacob holding Logan's hand and Logan not hating Allen nearly as much now that he seemed to have accepted that Jacob was off limits. There was no question Allen was still attracted to Jacob, but having experienced Jacob in bed Logan couldn't blame him for that; he'd hate to lose that particular benefit, too.

Allen was friendly with Logan, sensing that he truly did care for Jacob and more importantly, made Jacob happy. They learned a little more about Jacob's everyday life on the walk, Allen explaining that Jacob usually slept in late because he was up most of the night with his clients. He would rise, get some fuel in him, and then go running in the park near the beach they'd visited the day before. Most days Jacob would meet Allen at the gym when Allen got off work, and after a workout followed by dinner they would hit the bar. Some nights Allen worked, others he hung out just to relax with friends or keep Jacob company.

"Not that you really needed that," Allen laughed as they turned onto a small street lined with tall townhouses. "You were very rarely free for more than five minutes. But sometimes you needed a break so I'd sit with you at the bar or just dance. You are fantastic on the dance floor."

Jacob grinned, chest puffing out. "Hear that, cutie? I'm fantastic."

"I'll bet you are," Logan smiled. "Why haven't you ever danced for me?"

"Mostly we listen to music in the car or I do it after you drop me off. Patrick had a little CD player, he always let me play stuff at night."

"How kind of him," Logan grated, teeth clenched.

Jacob squeezed Logan's hand tighter, knowing how angry he still was at Patrick. They both were, really, but Jacob chose to view the whole thing as a godsend because it got them living together. He also hated to think about it because the guilt still ate away at him.

While it rankled Logan that Jacob had kissed Patrick first, especially knowing what they now did about his refusal to kiss anyone but the one he loved, Logan tried to keep in mind that Jacob hadn't wanted the kisses. He had denied Patrick for a long while and only given in due to his fear he would lose Logan over the stolen money. That didn't undo the act, but it made the whole thing bearable and something Logan wouldn't allow to stand between them.

"I hope we find everything we need to get me a job and stuff," Jacob said suddenly, interrupting Logan's thoughts. "What if I took everything with me and it's in some lost and found somewhere, unclaimed?"

"We have your name now, Jacob," Logan reminded him. "It shouldn't be too hard to replace all that. But hopefully we won't have to worry about it."

Allen turned up a walk and led them to the door of a quaint yellow house with a mass of colorful rosebushes lining the yard.

"I like flowers," Jacob blurted. "Just discovered that."

"That's cause you're a romantic sap," Allen laughed. "Last year I got you roses for your birthday because I knew no one else would. You almost cried."

Logan stopped walking, one foot on the tiny porch. "You know his birthday?"

"No, he would never tell me. So I called him up one day and said 'I've decided your birthday is tomorrow. Don't make any plans.' Because on my birthday, he went all out. I wanted to do something nice for him."

Liking Allen more and more, even though he still didn't like the fact that this man had been in bed with Jacob numerous times, Logan smiled. "I believe it. He's very generous with those he cares about."

"Still never shared desserts with me. Smacked my hand the time I tried to steal a donut from him," Allen winked. "I'm telling you, you're special."

Logan grinned, but Jacob exclaimed, "I wouldn't even tell you my birthday? I was such a dick! Why did you put up with me?"

"Because you're a damn good friend, always there when I need you. You've gotten me out of countless jams over the past two years."

"What sort of jams?" Logan frowned.

"All kinds," Allen replied. "When he first started coming to the club, I was pretty new to the business. He showed me the ropes, what I was doing wrong. Looks can only get you so far, you have to have that appeal that makes everybody want you. Jacob explained it's a talent that needs to be practiced and honed. He told me to think of it like acting, playing a part. He also rescued me from a few customers who were...overbearing, let's just say."

None of this surprised Logan, who had sensed in Jacob a great protector of those he loved from the start. It only made him love Jacob more.

"Why that place?" Jacob wanted to know. "Did I ever say why?"

"Just that it called out to you when you were looking for a place to set up shop, so to speak. But you picked a good place, The Diamond Mine does a lot more business than most of the other gay clubs in San Fran. Did even more when you started frequenting it. That place loves you."

Jacob's hand had tightened painfully on Logan's at some point during Allen's answer, Logan glancing up at him in concern. "What? Did you remember something?"

"No, just...that weird feeling again. Like something's right there in my grasp but I can't reach it. Fuck, I hate not remembering anything!"

The front door swung open and an older man appeared, face lighting up when his bright blue eyes took in Jacob. "I thought I heard your voice! Jacob, welcome home!" He pulled Jacob into a tight hug, Jacob allowing it as he had Allen's and patting his back lightly.

"Brad," Allen interrupted, "I know this is hard to believe, but Jacob lost his memory. He doesn't remember any of us or this place."

Stepping back, Brad looked to Jacob for confirmation, and when Jacob nodded with apology in his eyes, Brad's face fell slightly. "You don't remember anything?"

"No, I'm sorry. This is Logan, my boyfriend. I met him when I was in L.A."

"L.A.? You went to L.A.?" Brad scratched his head, then held a hand out to Logan. "Nice to meet you, as long as you're treating my boy right. If not, you answer to me. He's like a son to me."

Jacob seemed to melt, tears filling his eyes at the idea that someone cared so much for him. In baggy shorts and a flowered Hawaiian shirt, Brad was not threatening in the slightest but Logan had no doubt he wouldn't hesitate to jump into a fight in order to protect Jacob.

"No worries on that," Allen smiled. "I approve of Logan."

"Well, that tells me everything I need to know," Brad nodded. "Welcome to the family, Logan."

Dropping Brad's hand, Logan smiled. "Thank you," he replied. "I was afraid Joseph had no one. I'm happy to see he was surrounded by at least two people who care about him."

"Joseph? Who's Joseph?"

"Shit. Jacob. Sorry." Logan blushed and Jacob leaned over to kiss him on the cheek.

"I was Joseph until we discovered my real name."

"Ah," Brad nodded. To Logan he added, "Yeah, he's a good guy. Always makes sure I've got what I need. Wait, you got a boyfriend?" he asked. "Really? Even with..."

"Well," Jacob started, "I don't even remember that part of my life. Logan was my doctor and we fell in love and...here we are."

"It's about time!" Brad laughed. "You need someone special in your life. Are you back for good, then?"

"No," Logan supplied, almost feeling guilty that he would be taking Jacob away from these two who obviously missed him so much. "We came looking for answers when he had a flashback to the Golden Gate Bridge."

"I see." Disappointed, Brad nevertheless said, "Well, you've been missed. Allen and I were starting to worry. When you left, all you said was you would be out of town for a few weeks and hoped to come back. Wouldn't even tell me where."

"I'm sorry," Jacob apologized. "I wish I knew why I went to L.A. and that I'd let you know more when I left. Sounds like I didn't tell anyone, and it's pissing me off now."

"No matter. I'm just happy you're safe. Come on, I got your stuff." Brad turned from the porch, gesturing Jacob inside.

"My...stuff?"

"Yeah, when you left you gave me your keys and your wallet, which is why I was so concerned. I didn't know how you were getting anywhere without any kind of I.D. on you but you said you had it handled. You also gave me the combination to your safe, and that really scared me. Your instructions were that if I hadn't heard from you in six months, to take what was in the safe and split it with Allen."

Allen's eyes widened. "Holy shit, seriously? He said that?"

"He did," Brad nodded. "I was going to give you the clothes, too. God knows I wouldn't wear them."

Logan and Jacob were silent as their eyes met, wondering what it all meant. Jacob hadn't known if he would be returning, hadn't even wanted to carry the basic items used for identification. Whatever his reasons were, he had been ready to leave this life behind forever.

_It's almost as if he planned to lose his memory._

Another sliver of dread ran through Logan, because as many answers as they'd found in San Francisco, they had stumbled onto even more questions.


	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the characters taken from Big Time Rush and placed into this story. I make no money off this.

**Author's Notes:**

Thanks to those of you who pointed out my Allen/Greg mix-up in the last chapter. SEE I TOLD YOU I DO THAT. It's embarrassing. And I apologize for any confusion.

This chapter was a long time coming, but hopefully you'll think it was worth the wait. I had an amazing vacation that was filled with Big Time Rush, got to see them outside of the concerts and even talked to James! :D If anyone wants to read about it, I did a post on my Livejournal, where I'm stoodupforlove. Took me a few days to get back into this story, but now I'm back on it and determined to finish it. Hopefully within a few weeks, because we're getting there now. Things are really going to start bombarding James and he won't be able to hide from the truth much longer.

And you guys can thank **ally_jo_biel** for the fact that I didn't leave you with a major cliffhanger in this. I was actually going to, but she begged me not to and so...there you go. I can be nice sometimes!

Also THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YOU. YES, YOU. I LOVE YOU.

About a year ago I wrote a story for **kathrynew30**, it was a gift for our one-year friendiversary. The James Diamond in this story is taken directly from that one, though he suffered no amnesia in it. So for that reason, I dedicate this to Kathryn.

I also must dedicate it to **joyousbrokenthing**, who is entirely to blame for this being written at all. She tweeted me one night about a vision of Logan as a scientist building a robot James. This story is of course not that at all, but it got me thinking about a situation where Logan basically helps put James back together and within fifteen minutes I had this story pretty much written in my head. I wasn't planning to write a Jagan next, but it wouldn't leave me alone so here we are. Thanks a lot, Tammy. XD

**Aranelle** and **jdmazz** are helping to shape the direction of this story so much. I knew from the start where it was going, but they're helping me figure out how to get there and their feedback and advice has been invaluable. Seriously could not ask for better betas. I love you both so much.

* * *

Allen offered to stay behind with Brad while they explored Jacob's home, but Jacob wanted him present to answer any questions that might arise.

He led the way into the tiny house, Jacob stepping in behind him and Logan bringing up the rear. Jacob hesitated, Logan pushing him ahead gently and reminding him they needed answers.

Staring with wide eyes at their surroundings, Logan was speechless. They had entered a room that was obviously where Jacob did his business, as it was decorated in glaringly bright colors and lights that would set a mood when in use. Sparkly accents were everywhere, shimmery fabrics and wall decorations that glittered around the centerpiece, which was a lavish bed with silk sheets. A large trunk stood nearby, no doubt filled with tools and toys for every fetish.

"Wow," he finally managed, blinking and unsure how to feel.

Jacob spun around slowly, a smile creeping its way up. "Look at all this! I did this?"

Allen laughed. "I always thought it was a bit much, but you said the customers liked it. You were big on setting the mood and creating that fantasy world people need to escape to. You used to tell me that, that really what we're selling isn't just sex-it's escape."

The words washed over Logan and made him shiver slightly. Jacob seemed to be fixated on escape, on running. "So," he joked, trying to shake himself out of the dread, "this is your office."

"Isn't it fantastic?" Jacob grinned. "It's horrible. So horrible. But still fantastic."

"Come on," Allen chuckled. "Back here is where we spent most of our time."

He moved through a doorway hung with shiny beads, Logan shaking his head as they moved like fingers over him when they followed, and this room looked more like the Jacob he'd fallen in love with. The beach theme was refreshing after the gaudiness of the outer room, colors like sand and ocean surrounding the smaller bed that was more cozy. There was a television, a large stereo system, and a nightstand as well, and Logan caught sight of beach scenes depicted in numerous sketches scattered over the walls. He recognized Joseph's style in them and wondered where these "secret" drawings of his were.

A side door led to a bathroom, and through it Logan could see another door. "Where does that go?" he asked.

"Kitchen. It's a weird set-up, but it's not like Jacob ever cooked much. Mostly he just used the fridge."

"Where the safe?" Jacob asked suddenly. "Wait. Don't answer that." He strutted to a set of sliding doors in the wall, shoving one aside and then separating a wall of clothing to reveal a safe. His fingers lifted to punch in a code; there was a beep, and Jacob swallowed.

"You just remembered it?" Logan asked.

"Yeah. I wasn't trying to, it just came to me." He swung the door open, both of them staring in awe at the pile of cash.

"Logan!" Jacob whispered. "Look. Look! I'm loaded! Look at all the hundreds!"

It was an impressive sight. "Well," Logan said softly. "Guess you can stop feeling guilty about me paying your way."

"I'm taking you out to dinner tonight. That's the first thing I want to do with it. And paying for the hotel. Don't even think about arguing."

Logan spun Jacob back around, smiling up into his eyes. Jacob was so excited, his grin like the sun radiating into the room. "If you want to. But you don't have to."

"No, I want to! Oh my god, this means-" Jacob cut himself off, a hand clapping over his mouth.

"What?" Logan questioned, brows drawn together.

"Nothing. You heard nothing." As he was still smiling when he lowered his hand, though, Logan knew it was definitely something and that it wasn't a bad thing. "I love you. I love you so much, Logan."

Heart swelling, Logan lifted his lips to Jacob's. "I know," he replied softly. "I love you, too. And I love that I can kiss you now."

Jacob nodded, the two of them so lost in each other that Allen's voice surprised them.

"Ha! I knew there were drawings you hid from me!"

They spun around to see Allen rooting through a nightstand drawer. Logan was there in a flash, reaching in for the sketchpad Allen had flipped through briefly.

"I wouldn't normally go through your stuff, Jacob," Allen apologized. "But I know you're looking for answers."

"Yeah, it's cool. Thanks." Stepping up behind Logan, Jacob wrapped his arms around Logan's waist and watched the pages as they were turned.

There were repeats of that fog, it getting clearer the further into the book they delved. The bar once again made an appearance, that elusive bar they'd hoped to find here in San Francisco but had not. Logan was numb as the realization hit him, what this meant.

"Hey, Allen," Jacob began, pulling him closer. "Where is this bar?"

Allen shook his head slowly as he studied the drawing. "Never seen it. Maybe it's where you came from. Jamestown?"

Sighing, Jacob frowned. "Damn, why didn't I tell you anything? I'm right back where I started."

Logan knew now why Jacob had told Allen nothing. The fog was clearer toward the end of the book, enough that he could make out a person though only vaguely. The person held something in his arms (it was a male figure, Logan was pretty sure), and the way he was holding it...vertigo hit Logan suddenly, dizziness and the feeling he was going to pass out driving him to rush out of Jacob's grip and into the bathroom, the book falling to the floor.

"Logan!"

Jacob was there at the bathroom door, but Logan left it locked for the moment. He needed time to let this all sink in, to process it.

The male figure in the fog had been cradling a baby.

* * *

Logan wasn't purposely ignoring Jacob's desperate cries for him to open the door, he simply couldn't bring himself to speak right away. It didn't matter, though, because with one hard and well-placed kick Jacob had the lock broken and the door busted open. Logan jumped in surprise, rising from the sink he'd rested against.

"Don't," Jacob pleaded, babbling. "Please don't, I finally have you don't run from me you swore you'd stick with me please don't-"

"Joseph," Logan interrupted, not even aware of the slip-up as he pulled Jacob against him. "I'm not-"

"Please," Jacob repeated, and now he was clinging tight to his anchor in this tumultuous storm.

"Shh, I'm right here." He kissed Jacob's cheek, then his temple. "I'm not going to abandon you."

"What was it? What upset you?"

"It's...everything. We need to talk."

"Okay, fine, we'll talk, just don't leave me."

"I won't. I promise." Logan held him tight until he calmed down, stepping back when he knew Jacob's panic had subsided. "We're not going to find any answers here, though. We can go through your stuff if you want and we'll make arrangements to come back and pack it all up but as far as answers..." He shook his head.

"Why would you say that?"

"Come on. Out here."

Logan returned to the bedroom, where Allen was paging through the book. "I'm sorry, nothing in here looks familiar. This storefront reminds me of some little corner grocery store but not one I've seen."

Jacob glanced at it, frowning again. "Nothing," he finally said. "Fuck, I hate this. I didn't even like...put the name on there."

Most of the book was taken up with that fog that kept getting clearer, and there were a few more scenes without a name-a park, a movie theater, and on the last page before the drawings stopped a cemetery with two headstones prominently displayed in the forefront.

"What the fuck?" Jacob whispered, Logan watching as he started to tremble. "What the fuck did I do?"

"Calm down," Logan repeated. "It doesn't mean you did anything." Remembering Dr. Coates saying that for Jacob to get his memory back all at once could be damaging, Logan distracted him with a brief kiss. "Focus. Me. Look at me."

"Logan, I don't understand, what did I-"

"Hey. I love you."

Jacob blinked, shaking off the terror.

"I love you and we're going to build a life together. One day you'll remember everything and we'll deal with it when you do, but right now focus on that. On me. On the knowledge that I'm going to bake you cookies for the rest of your life."

Jacob laughed then, an almost relieved laugh. "I love you, too. So damn much."

They clung to each other, holding on to what was in front of them and certain in the moment. There would be much to talk about, but they could afford to feel safe in each other in this moment.

* * *

Jacob found an empty duffel bag at the bottom of the closet and together they stuffed all of the cash into it, Logan somehow feeling like a bank robber for the act. It made no sense, as he had no doubt Jacob had come by this money legitimately, but it felt almost furtive.

They hunted for a suitcase to shove some clothing into and came up empty, Allen offering to see if Brad had one he wouldn't mind them using. While Jacob wandered the room, Logan perused the wall of clothes hanging in the closet. It was hard to ignore what the many pairs of leather pants and shimmering shirts symbolized.

"You okay? I know this isn't easy for you."

Logan smiled as he glanced back over his shoulder. "I'm not judging you, Jacob. I just don't like to think of you with anyone else."

"Then don't," Jacob replied simply. He slid his arms around Logan's waist from behind, sucking gently at the sensitive skin beneath Logan's ear. "Because there won't be anyone else, ever again."

Logan's head fell back against Jacob's shoulder, his breath quickening.

"I saw you checking out those boots," Jacob whispered. "I wasn't kidding about dressing up for you some night. How do you feel about role play?"

Chest tight now, Logan swallowed and attempted to remain unaffected. "I've never...I don't..." A vision of Jacob clad in the shiny purple shirt Logan's eyes were affixed to, as well as tight leather pants and the boots, had him breathless. "With make-up?" he asked in a low voice.

"With anything you want. Just say the word."

When Allen returned, a large suitcase hanging from one hand, Jacob had Logan pressed up against a wall and was devouring his mouth, Logan eagerly returning the attention. "So I'll just leave this here..."

Jacob lifted a finger into the air, allowing himself one more minute of kissing before stepping back. "I'm good for a little while now."

"Sorry, Allen," Logan apologized. "I don't usually do that in front of people."

"It's cool," Allen grinned. "Jacob has that affect. I have to admit, I'll miss you, dude. There's nobody like you."

"I'm so sorry." Jacob reached back and hugged Allen tight. "If it wasn't for Logan, I'd probably come back and start up my life again. It just doesn't feel like my life anymore, though; Logan has become that."

"You found your perfect man. I get it. I'm happy for you, Jake. I really am."

"Thanks, bro."

"You know," Logan jumped in. "If you ever feel the need to take a vacation, Los Angeles isn't too far away and we have a guest room. You're welcome to visit."

Allen nodded. "I'll keep that in mind. You two good, then?"

"Yeah, you got somewhere to be?" Jacob asked.

"I was meeting with my sister this afternoon. I hate to say goodbye, though."

Jacob hugged him one more time. "You've got my number. Call me."

"Same to you. If you have any more questions or if there's any way I can help, just let me know. I'm relieved to see you and know you're okay. You were so weird when you left, I really thought I might never see you again."

Mind traveling back to the sketchbook and what it all meant, Logan asked, "Did you grab your wallet from Brad, Jacob?"

"Shit. No."

"I'll be back. A pleasure meeting you, Allen."

"Just take care of my boy. And keep in touch."

"We will. Thank you for being here for him when he needed somebody."

Allen nodded again, and Logan walked back to the big house, knocking on the back door. Brad opened it and stepped aside to allow him in. "Find everything okay in there?"

"Yes, he actually remembered the combination to the safe. It's a step."

"Wonderful! He'll have his memory back in no time."

It was an idea that both scared and excited Logan, because if his suspicions were correct, they still had a long road ahead of them. "How did Jacob come to you? What did he say?"

"In the beginning?" When Logan nodded, Brad continued. "He knocked on my door and said he'd seen the 'for rent' sign in the window. Wondered if anything was still available. I think he expected a room, not an actual separate house, but that pleased him. I know a lot of people wouldn't be okay with what Jacob does, but we agreed that if he ever got into any trouble I would play dumb. He was adamant that no matter what he did, I wouldn't suffer for it. And eventually he became like a son, helping me fix things around the house and letting me cook him dinner when Allen was busy. He loves to watch television, we'd do that sometimes while we ate."

"That he does," Logan smiled, heart warming as he thought about all the nights they'd cuddled on the couch in front of his own television. "He said nothing of where he came from, right?"

"No. I tried to get him talking a few times but he'd close right up. Change the subject. I finally gave up, figured he'd moved here for a reason and didn't like to think about his past."

"Right. You mentioned a wallet?"

"I did, it's right there on the counter."

Spinning around, Logan spied the slim piece of folded leather near the stove. Knowing he wouldn't find anything worthwhile in there he looked anyway. There was an I.D. card in Jacob's name, a gym membership card, and of course a condom tucked away in there. _ It's a wonder you __were clean. At least we know the condoms worked._ "Did he leave a phone with you?"

"No, he took it with him, I assume. I know he had one."

"Do you have the number?"

"Sure, it's in my phone." Brad gave him the number, Logan punching it into his phone.

"I'm sure wherever it is the battery's dead, but it can't hurt to have it. Thanks, Brad."

"You two leaving today?"

"Probably, I gotta get back for work. Feel free to call him anytime, though. I can tell you care a lot about him."

"Son I never had," Brad smiled. "But I'm happy he found someone, even if he doesn't remember any of this. And I'm glad he's moving on to a better life. Get him to do more with that artistic talent of his. He could make a living off those drawings."

"He probably could," Logan agreed, slipping the wallet into his pocket. "I'll make sure we say goodbye before we leave."

"You do that."

* * *

Jacob had filled the suitcase by the time Logan returned, Logan pleased to see mostly jeans and t-shirts folded in together; as much as he loved the fancier clothes, they didn't fit the Joseph he'd come to love.

"Don't worry, I threw in a few fun outfits for you," Jacob teased.

"I didn't say anything."

"You didn't have to." When Logan blushed, Jacob laughed. "Got my wallet?"

"Right here." He tossed it over, watching Jacob go through it.

"Oh cool! I have an I.D! Now I can get a job and stuff!"

"Like you need it," Logan commented, then crossed his arms over his chest and braced himself for the talk they needed to have. "I'm not sure that's a valid I.D., Jacob."

"Excuse me?" Standing near the bed, Jacob pulled it out of the wallet. "What constitutes a valid I.D. in your eyes?"

"One issued by the DMV. The kind you can't get unless you have documentation proving you are who you say you are."

A look of confused hurt greeted him. "You think I'm lying? Just because I don't remember my time here doesn't mean-"

"Jacob," Logan interrupted softly. "You were drawing the fog here. You drew the bar. And hid it."

"So? That doesn't mean anything."

"Jacob." Sighing, Logan stepped forward and placed his hands on Jacob's arms. "It means you were searching for your memory, just like you are now. Why else would you draw that stuff?"

Panic climbed up into Jacob's eyes. He shook his head. "No, Logan, I'm from Jamestown, I just have to find my past there, I wouldn't make that up."

"You would if you didn't know where you were from. If you didn't remember anything. I wasn't here with you, there was no one to help you. It sounds like you showed up here and-"

"That's bullshit, Logan. There's no way in hell I went through this before. I would've seen a psychiatrist like I am now, I would've been searching for my memory. I would've had Allen help me, or at least told him the truth!"

"Not if you were afraid of your past like you are now. There's something you don't want to remember. You're terrified of it. Something keeps you running away."

"Oh, for two years? You think I would just stay here for two years without knowing who I was or trying to find out? Without telling anybody?"

"If you were scared enough, yes. There _was_ nobody to tell. Nobody you trusted to love you no matter what you found out. My guess is you finally remembered everything, then had to run again, because it was too much and you weren't ready to face it." When Jacob wouldn't meet his eyes, fear evident on his face, Logan added, "This isn't the first time, Jacob. You wouldn't talk about your past with anyone because you didn't know it. There's no other explanation for you drawing those things, for you suddenly changing and running away from here. I don't know what brought you to L.A. but it was either to find out more about your past or to escape it again."

"No, I'm Jacob, I have to be, I-"

"Jacob Daniel. Same initials, same source. The Bible."

"Logan..."

He looked so lost and scared, standing tall but once again reduced to a frightened child as he studied the I.D.

"Look at it, Jacob. You probably know what to look for better than I do. Tell me if it's fake."

"It's not, it's...it's..." The truth hit him and he crumpled to the bed, sinking down onto it as the card fell from him fingers. "It's fake," he whispered, the trembling starting again and tears forming in his eyes. "Logan, I can't do this, I just want to know who I am."

"I know." Logan knelt between his legs, snatching the wallet from him and tossing it aside before wrapping his arms around Jacob's waist. "I know, love. I'm sorry. You just need to remember."

"But how is that possible? You can't lose your memory over and over, can you?"

"You can, actually. I read about it the first night I met you. We'll talk it over with Dr. Coates, but if your brain isn't ready to let you handle the truth, it'll keep you in the dark."

Jacob was shaking his head, fighting the truth, but finally he said, "I lived a lie. This whole life here was a lie. Allen, Brad...how could I do that?"

"You did what you needed to in order to survive. If I'm right, you must have been terrified. You had no one and kept it all to yourself and-"

"There was no you. Nobody like you. Please don't ever leave me."

Logan shook his head against Jacob's chest. "Right here. You have to do this, Jacob. You have to face whatever it is and remember."

"Joseph."

"What?" Logan lifted his head.

"You might as well call me Joseph again. Jacob isn't any more real than Joseph, and I prefer that name anyway. It's what you fell in love with."

Logan managed a tiny smile. "You're my Joseph."

The tears spilled over. "Logan, I'm scared. I just want to know who I am."

"I know," Logan replied, wiping Joseph's tears away. "We'll find you. And whoever you are, I will always be your boyfriend. As long as you want me." He knew better than to promise that, feeling as if they were right back where they'd started after seeing that drawing of a man with a baby, but they'd come too far now to undo anything. If there was a baby somewhere in Joseph's life, Logan would stay with him until Joseph no longer needed him.

"Always. Always gonna want you."

The words were welcome but nothing Logan could count on. "We'll make an appointment with Dr. Coates as soon as we can get you in, okay? See where we go from here."

Joseph nodded, the fear and sadness surrounding him breaking Logan's heart. He'd come so far only to lose the confidence he'd found over the past month.

"It's gonna be okay. We'll get through this together."

Logan's face was smothered as Joseph held him tight, but Logan's only response was to tighten his own grip.

* * *

Other than the sketchbook and an iPod full of music they found, there wasn't much else Joseph felt the need to pack. Logan promised he would take a vacation when he was able to so they could return for the rest of his belongings and to clear the place out for a new tenant, and they paid the next few months' worth of rent to Brad.

They never found the phone. Logan wasn't sure what that meant, if anything.

Brad gave them a lift back to the hotel because they were lugging the huge suitcase, Joseph hugging him tight and thanking him for everything before stepping up onto the sidewalk next to Logan, who remembered to exchange numbers with Brad at the last minute.

"We missed check-out," Logan mentioned as they waited for the elevator. "You mind staying another night?"

"You're the one who needs to get back. I'm sorry."

"It's no big deal, I took tomorrow off, too. Just in case."

"I thought you only-"

"Don't worry about it. We'll fly home in the morning, I can change our tickets."

Joseph stared at Logan in silence as the elevator rose. His eyes were sad and filled with something that looked a lot like guilt. "Don't feel bad about this," Logan warned.

"I don't deserve it. Any of it. I don't deserve _you_. I lied to people who loved me for two years. How could I do that?"

"You didn't know what else to do, I guess. I just keep thinking about how scared you must've been."

The doors slid open and Logan led the way to their room, his hand taking Joseph's free one. "Are you hungry?"

"Not really," Joseph replied. "All I want is to crawl into bed with you and sleep forever."

"No. No more escape. You're going to face this so we can move on." When Joseph sighed, Logan added, "Besides, I can think of better things to do in bed."

It got the desired effect, Joseph laughing in surprise. "I love you."

"I love you, too," Logan smiled. He snatched the suitcase out of Joseph's grip and lifted it onto the bed next to their shared one before turning to Joseph and shoving him back onto the other bed. "And maybe we can allow a few more minutes of escape."

Jaw dropping, Joseph's eyes darkened and his breathing shallowed. Logan's hands were loosening his belt when he asked, "Is this about the hooker thing?"

"No, Joseph. This is all about you and how amazing you are, how lucky I am that you went to the hospital instead of dealing with it on your own." Mostly it was about distracting Joseph from the self-loathing he was currently experiencing, but Logan hadn't been lying-he'd realized how easily Joseph could've chosen to start over alone and build another false life. Instead he'd come looking for help and found the love of his life; they both had.

"Logan," Joseph breathed, pulling his head down and capturing his lips while Logan removed his own pants. "No matter what I remember, never leaving you."

"I know," Logan answered, choosing not to think about fog-like sketches of a man holding a child. Right now he focused on the man before him, the one Faith had insisted didn't exist and yet nothing had ever been more real.

"Make me forget," Joseph whispered, and for the next hour, Logan did.

* * *

Logan's phone lifted him out of a light doze. _Mom_. He leaned over the side of the bed, digging in his pants pocket for it and when he settled down again Joseph pulled him close. With a smile Logan answered. "Hey, Mom."

"Hi sweetie, are you still in San Francisco?"

"Yeah, we're leaving in the morning."

"Any luck?"

"Yes and no. I'll explain next time we talk, it's a lot to get into. But basically we still don't know who he is."

"Oh, honey, I'm sorry. Is he doing okay with everything?"

"Not bad." Stopping to kiss Joseph's forehead, which brought a happy sound out of him, Logan chuckled. "He's good for the moment. How are you?"

"Fine, I'm actually calling about Kendall."

"Kendall?" Confused, Logan frowned. "You talk to him?"

"Yes, I run into him at the grocery store sometimes; he works there now."

"A grocery store? I thought he was studying to be a lawyer. Something about saving the ones everyone else gave up on? I thought I saw that on his Facebook profile."

"Yes, he says he works to get him through school; he's practically managing the place. He and Carlos are both working there, money's tight. Which is why I'm calling you."

"Okay?" Absently Logan tightened his arm around Joseph, cuddling him closer; Joseph went willingly.

"He asked if you still lived in L.A. because he's going to be there next week for a few days and hoped to catch up with you. I was thinking you should offer him a place to stay so he doesn't have to pay for a hotel."

"Uh..." Sitting up, Logan rubbed his face. "Yeah, I guess I could. We haven't really talked since high school, though."

"This is your opportunity, then. He asks about you every time I see him."

"He's got me on Facebook, why doesn't he talk to me there?"

"For that to happen, you'd have to be on Facebook more than twice a year, Logan," his mother lectured.

"Oh. Right." Chuckling at himself, Logan nodded. "Okay, I guess I'll message him."

"I got his number just in case. Write it down."

By this time Joseph had opened his eyes and was watching Logan curiously. He motioned for a pen and paper, and Joseph rolled over to grab a notepad from the nightstand, then handed him a pen.

"Go ahead, Mom."

Logan jotted the number down and added Kendall's name above it. "Okay, I'll call him. But I have to discuss it with Joseph first, he has a say in things now."

"Of course. I'm sure he won't mind. Take care of him."

"I do," Logan smiled, reaching down to smooth a hand over Joseph's hair. Joseph grinned up at him.

"Hi, Mom!" he yelled.

Logan passed Joseph the phone and let them have a brief conversation while he used the restroom. When he returned to the bed, Joseph was staring at the notepad.

"Who's Kendall?"

"An old friend from high school. He'll be in town next week, I guess."

"Oh." Joseph bit his lip, thinking that over.

"Mom suggested we offer him a place to stay. I told her I had to talk it over with you first."

"I heard that. It means a lot to me that you care about my opinion."

"It's _our_home now," Logan said softly, settling back against the pillows and pulling Joseph against him. "We make decisions together."

Joseph sighed, relaxing. "So this guy was just a friend, right?" Logan's hesitation had Joseph's head shooting up suspiciously. "Logan?"

Shrugging, Logan replied, "He was my first kiss. We were together a week and then he moved away. Found new friends."

"I see. You only knew him a week?"

"No, I knew him for about six months. We kissed for the last week of it, knowing he was moving. We were curious."

Joseph nodded slowly. "Is he with someone now?"

"Yeah, a guy named Carlos I've never met but from the pictures he posts on Facebook they seem really happy together. Not that I'm on it much but when I am, there are always pictures of them being silly."

"Why is he coming out here?"

"Mom didn't say. I'll call him later. So would that be okay? Unless he's changed a lot, he's a great guy. He won't be in the way."

"And he won't try to make a move on my territory? I'll make sure he knows you're taken."

Lifting an eyebrow in surprise, Logan smirked. "You have the nerve to be jealous? After what we found out about you?"

"That doesn't count, it was my job. When _you_make out with someone, it means something. Which also means this guy is awesome, because you wouldn't get involved with someone who isn't."

"Keep that in mind when you're hating yourself," Logan commented, kissing Joseph briefly. "You must be pretty awesome if I love you as much as I do."

Unable to fight the grin that stole over his face, Joseph snuggled into Logan. "You're the awesome one. Kendall can stay if you want. That's fine."

"You sure? You won't be crazy jealous the whole time?"

"No guarantees."

Logan laughed, shifting so they were sitting up. "I'm hungry. Let's go get some food."

"Okay," Joseph agreed, standing up to stretch. While Logan reached down to the floor for his discarded clothing, Joseph approached the window and parted the drapes. "Wow, look at that view. The ocean is gorgeous."

"Yeah, it's-" Glancing up, Logan hissed, "You're naked! Get away from there!"

"It's no big deal, probably half the city's seen me naked before."

Logan shook his head, exasperated. "Just get dressed."

"Fine. But really, the view is...is..." He trailed off, something in his voice causing Logan to look up. It almost sounded as if-

Joseph spun around with terror in his eyes, Logan dropping the shirt he'd picked up and rushing forward just in time. He caught Joseph in his arms, the limp body dragging him down to the carpet.

* * *

Emergency-room-doctor mode kicked in immediately, Logan checking Joseph's vitals as he knelt next to him on the carpet. He was terrified himself but did not give in to it, instead assuring himself that Joseph had simply fainted and was still breathing properly, his heart rate slowing the longer he laid on the floor.

Joseph was bigger and heavier, but Logan managed to lift him up and carry him to the bed, where he laid lifeless after Logan positioned him properly and then watched his eyes roll around under the lids as if he was dreaming. Pulling out his phone, Logan called up Dr. Coates' emergency number, though he suspected that Joseph's brain had simply shut down in an effort to spare him the horrors again.

_What if he wakes up and doesn't remember you? What if you lose him, lose everything you've built with him?_

The panic ripped at his insides, Logan whispering "No, please no, please God, I can't lose him, please-"

Joseph's eyelids fluttered, Logan dropping the phone and staring down in fear as he waited. Hazel eyes searched for him, the relief palpable when they settled on Logan's face, and Logan almost cried. He lifted Joseph's upper body into his arms and Joseph clung to him, shaking.

"I thought I lost you," Logan whispered, face pressed to Joseph's hair.

"Logan...I remember now."

"I figured." Logan waited for more, holding Joseph to him as he stood above the bed.

"You were right. I came here and didn't know who I was."

Nodding, Logan gently shoved Joseph aside, climbing onto the bed before holding him again. "What else?"

"Everything you thought. It's true. I was scared and I didn't know anyone, didn't know my name. Some guy picked me up on the beach and took me home, I fucked him for a few weeks in exchange for a place to stay."

Logan's eyes fell closed, but he was unsurprised.

"I went to the bar to make money, knew how to do it. I didn't want to depend on anyone, had to pay my own way. And I was so scared but I didn't go to anyone for help. I felt this shame, like whatever happened to me I deserved it. I never showed anybody that, always acted like I was doing what I wanted and happy, but...I was scared."

"Why did you leave here?"

"That...no. It's a blank. I don't even remember calling Allen or talking to Brad before I left."

"But you remember being on the beach? That same memory from before?"

Nodding, Joseph wracked his brain. "I do. But I can't remember what I was thinking about or even wanting to leave here. My last real memory of San Francisco is leaving the club with Allen one night. I remember laughing at something, and we were walking down the street, and..."

Logan waited, letting Joseph work it out, but he sighed before groaning in frustration. "Nothing. We were walking and then it just stops, like a movie being cut off in the middle of a scene."

"Okay, don't worry about it. It'll come when you're ready." He paused, then asked, "What about the bike thing? Still no idea why you don't drive?"

"No," Joseph said sadly. "It's like the drinking and the drugs, I just knew I didn't do it."

"Do you remember anything before San Francisco?"

Joseph thought about it, then shook his head. "No. Just here. I remember my life here, and it's like my earliest memory is being on that beach and not knowing where I was."

"Or who you were."

"Right. So I decided to start a new life. And I kind of_ was_ happy, just doing my thing. I had Allen, and now that I remember everything...yeah. He was great. A damn good friend. I can't believe I forgot him."

"What about the I.D.? No chance it's the correct birth date?"

"No. I bought it off a guy I met at the club. He had it made for me. My whole life was a lie, Logan."

"Not everything. You had friends, and people who loved you. That was real, it was all you."

"I guess." Joseph cuddled in deeper to Logan, fingers digging into his skin.

"Any idea why you picked New York?"

"I've always wanted to visit. Whoa. Logan. Did you hear that? I've always wanted to visit! How do I know that?"

"I don't know. But you've never been there?"

"I don't...think so? Certainly not Jamestown, wherever that is. I picked it from a list of cities in New York. Allen kept asking about my past, so I had to make up something. I do remember picking my name, though."

Logan sat up some. "Really?"

"Yeah. I went into a library my first day here, needed a place to get out of the rain. There was a Bible laying on a table and I just...started looking through it. I felt something."

Studying Joseph, Logan asked, "A good something?"

"Just...something. A pull. And I knew about Daniel, but I don't know how. So I was paging through it, thinking I'd need a name, and saw Jacob. When the rain stopped, I went back to the beach." Joseph shuddered suddenly. "I need a shower. I feel disgusting."

"Why?"

"So many men. So many," he repeated miserably. "I enjoyed being wanted, being the one everybody died to be with. But the fucking...I mean, it was good sometimes but it wasn't..."

"It was a job. Not from your heart."

"Exactly. When I'm with you, it's my heart. It's everything. You are everything to me. I'm so sorry for all of this, for dragging you into it."

"I knew what I was getting myself into," Logan reminded him. "I had plenty of warnings, trust me. Instead I ignored them because you're amazing and I love you. I don't regret any of this."

"No?"

"No," Logan said firmly, resting his forehead against Joseph's. "Just don't ever forget me. Then I might have to kill you."

Joseph grinned, and it was a welcome sight. "I can forget a lot of things, but I don't think you're one of them. Even through the fog, I'd find you. You're my lighthouse."

Logan kissed him then, the relief overwhelming now that he knew he hadn't lost Joseph.

"I'm still sorry for all of this. Your whole life is upside down because of me."

"Yet I've never been happier. I have the career I've always wanted, and someone to share it with. Someone to love. You're worth the crap that comes with it," Logan teased.

"That's because I give great blowjobs," Joseph laughed. "I lived up to that, didn't I?"

Remembering the previous night, Logan hummed. "Surpassed all of my expectations."

"Good. You're not so bad yourself."

"I could use some practice."

"You won't get any argument out of me."

As they kissed again, hearts a little bit lighter, Logan knew they would make it through this. The memories to come would most likely be more horrible for Joseph, possibly even tragic, but Logan would be there every step of the way. They would do it together.


	17. Chapter 17

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the characters taken from Big Time Rush and placed into this story. I make no money off this.

**Author's Notes:**

Next chapter you will get what you want. Just saying.

Huge thank you to **Aranelle** and **jdmazz** for quick turnarounds with the beta stuff. I know they have lives and fic of their own but they're wonderful about taking time to read this over for me and give me feedback/advice. I love them so much. Ha, it's also funny that my two betas are Kames girls.

Also THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YOU. YES, YOU. I LOVE YOU.

About a year ago I wrote a story for **kathrynew30**, it was a gift for our one-year friendiversary. The James Diamond in this story is taken directly from that one, though he suffered no amnesia in it. So for that reason, I dedicate this to Kathryn.

I also must dedicate it to **joyousbrokenthing**, who is entirely to blame for this being written at all. She tweeted me one night about a vision of Logan as a scientist building a robot James. This story is of course not that at all, but it got me thinking about a situation where Logan basically helps put James back together and within fifteen minutes I had this story pretty much written in my head. I wasn't planning to write a Jagan next, but it wouldn't leave me alone so here we are. Thanks a lot, Tammy. XD

* * *

While Joseph showered the following morning, Logan placed a call to Dr. Coates and was lucky enough to catch her before she started seeing patients. He explained the new developments and Joseph's recollections from the night before while keeping an eye on the bathroom door. It wasn't that he thought Joseph would mind him calling, but he'd noticed the depression settling over Joseph again as the night wore on and knew paranoia was a mere step behind.

"I don't know what to do for him. He's back to being scared and this time he hates himself, feels like a horrible person for lying to people who loved him."

"Logan, what you're doing is exactly what he needs. Encourage him and be there for him no matter what. The safer he feels, the more secure in your relationship, the easier it will be for him to open up. I'm sure the only reason it happened when it did last night is because he was feeling secure, you accepted him even after finding out things that shamed him."

Already dressed for their upcoming departure and sitting on their shared bed, Logan ran a hand through his hair and blew out a breath. "You said I shouldn't give in, though, and I did. Once we discovered he wasn't involved with someone, I couldn't hold back. Now what does he have to work toward?"

"Peace of mind," Dr. Coates replied. "The knowledge of his own identity, something he can own whether it comes with pain or not-it's who he is, and that in itself brings peace. But Logan, you realize that since this is a repeated reaction from him, you still don't know if he's involved with someone. You're right back where you started and there might even be more lives he's buried."

Despair washed through Logan. He had of course realized that and spent a long night tossing and turning but keeping Joseph close, holding Joseph when in the middle of the night it had apparently become too much and he broke down sobbing, clinging to Logan in desperation. All Logan could do was exactly what Dr. Coates suggested, make sure he knew he would not face any of this alone and eventually distract him with kisses.

"I know," he said now. "I don't know if that's occurred to Joseph yet but I know it. His brain is keeping something locked up tight, whatever it is that pushed him over the edge in the first place." Remembering the baby, Logan thought that would be enough to do it, if something tragic had happened. He hadn't mentioned that to Dr. Coates or Joseph yet, though, and was hesitant to; obviously Joseph wasn't ready to deal with it and he was suffering enough.

Besides, what if there was a child out there somewhere? And a wife? Of course a child needed his father and Logan knew it would have to be addressed soon, but the idea that there was a woman out there in love with the love of his life terrified Logan, especially considering she would have a rightful claim on him and that Joseph might, in fact, love her as well. He could not expect Joseph to stay with him if there was a child needing him, and he knew Joseph well enough to predict that he would be determined to make up for lost time and step into place as the father that child needed.

_Which is what he should do. You would do the same thing._

"He's getting there, Logan," Dr. Coates reminded him. "These are huge steps and he has a pattern of forgetting once it gets too close to the surface. Encourage him but don't push him."

"What makes you think he won't run again once he remembers everything?" Logan sighed, voicing his biggest fear. "He forgot his best friend and a man who treated him like a son. I'm terrified he'll forget me next."

"I wish there was something I could say that would reassure you, Logan, but the most you can do is give him a safe haven. And don't fall into the trap of wanting to remain in the dark just to hold on to him. He needs to do this."

"I know," Logan replied softly. Sadness set in when he understood that to heal Joseph would most likely mean losing him as well, in some capacity. "Thank you, Dr. Coates. He'll be at his appointment tonight."

"We have a lot to talk about. Tell him I'm proud of him."

"I will. Goodbye."

Logan moved to the balcony of their room, staring out at the city and the ocean but seeing none of it. A suffocating panic that was wrapped in sadness rose suddenly and his stomach clenched, chest tight with fear. He stood to lose it all, either when Joseph ran again or faced whatever he was running from.

_He's running for a reason._

Calling up Faith's number, he pressed the phone to his ear while it rang, leaving a voicemail when he was prompted to. "Faith, it's Logan. I'll be back at work tomorrow, can we meet for breakfast first? I need a friend. Seven at the diner on the corner? Let me know. Thanks."

Joseph found him still out on the balcony, sensing the tension when he ran his hands up Logan's arms from behind. Logan leaned back into the touch, closing his eyes and wishing they could stay in this moment forever.

"I'm not going anywhere," Joseph murmured, lips grazing Logan's ear. "I'm not sure why it's me telling you that this time, but you look like you need to hear it."

"I love you," was all Logan said, spinning in the embrace to hold Joseph close, hands sliding over the cloth of a plush robe.

"I know," Joseph answered. "That's all that matters."

For once Logan was the one taking the comfort offered, letting the safety of Joseph's love bind them and hold him together.

* * *

Logan sat in on Joseph's psychiatric appointment later that evening, giving input occasionally. The hypnosis was put on hold so they could discuss the new developments, Dr. Coates listening carefully as Joseph explained what he had experienced and how he was feeling about it. She repeated much of what she had said to Logan, reminding Joseph not to push but at the same time encouraging him to move forward when he was ready.

It was after dinner that Logan remembered to call Kendall, hoping it wasn't too late and that Kendall would still be awake, or at least not working. While they cuddled on the couch together, Joseph satisfied now that they were home and had returned to what had become a nightly routine for them (and also ecstatic that he wouldn't have to leave at any point to make a curfew), Logan pulled out his phone and dialed the number his mother had given him. Joseph glanced at him suspiciously, Logan returning it with a "no need to get excited" look of his own, and then a voice was on the line.

"Hello?"

"Kendall? Hey, this is Logan Mitchell. It feels weird to-"

"I don't know any Logan Mitchell. You sure you have the right number?"

"Uh..." Logan frowned, then realized it didn't sound like Kendall. "Wait, is this Carlos?"

"Maybe? Depends on who's asking."

"Yeah, this would be Logan Mitchell. I believe we just covered that."

"Oh. So you're the one who took my angel's virginity."

"Wait, what?" Logan sat up straighter, lost. There were many things Logan remembered about Kendall, and none of them were angelic. Joseph watched as if waiting for an opportunity to jump in and be the hero, moving onto Logan's lap. "We just kissed, I swear!"

A tickled laugh greeted him through the phone. "Gotcha! Just kidding, I know all about you. Hi, Logan! I'm Carlos."

"Okay..." Shaking his head, Logan tried again. "Is Kendall around?"

"Yeah, let me get him for you. I'm in the office, I'll page him. Hold on." Logan heard a voice over what sounded like an intercom and assumed they were working. "He'll be here in a minute. So you gonna hook up with him while he's out in L.A.?"

"I'm uh...not sure how to answer that."

Carlos laughed again. "I can totally picture your face right now. You're all scared I'm gonna come beat you up."

Rolling his eyes, Logan pressed a hand to Joseph's chest. "Relax," he whispered, and then to Carlos he said, "How can you picture my face if you don't even know me?"

"I've seen pictures, dude. And Kendall talks about you like you're the greatest thing to ever happen to him. Well, except for me. Did he tell you we're getting married?"

"No, we don't even talk! But congratulations! Is gay marriage legal in Minnesota?"

"Not yet! But one day it will be, and when it is...yeah. Totally doing that. He already proposed and everything!"

"Carlos, that's wonderful," Logan smiled, truly happy for them. Kendall deserved a man who was devoted to him.

"They're married?" Joseph whispered, eyes huge as he settled more comfortably over Logan's lap.

Logan shook his head before addressing Carlos again. "I don't get to meet you?"

"Not unless you come visit. I'm not a manager, so I don't get to go to the convention. Sucks, but it's probably a good thing because if we both left, this place would fall apart. I don't know what's gonna happen when we graduate and get real jobs. Hang on." There was the sound of Carlos paging Kendall yet again, this time sounding a bit more adamant about it. "Sorry, he's probably stuck with a customer."

"It's fine, I'm not going anywhere tonight." Logan smiled at Joseph, who dipped his lips to Logan's chin with a grin. "Listen, Carlos. I'm actually calling to offer Kendall a place to stay while he's here. Would that be a problem for you?"

There was a hesitation, enough to show Logan that as perfect as their relationship was, Carlos had a healthy fear of losing Kendall. "Are you seeing anyone?" he asked.

"Yes, my boyfriend Joseph lives here, too. We wouldn't be alone. And I have no interest in rekindling any old feelings. You're welcome to come as well, I'd love to meet you."

"Nah, I can't. But it's cool you have someone. Kendall was saying he always felt bad that—oh, hey babe. Logan's on the phone."

"Logan?!"

The next thing Logan heard was a voice he hadn't heard in years, so familiar that Logan saw his face clearly when Kendall spoke with excitement. "Dude! How are you?"

"I'm good," Logan grinned, the old feeling of having a true friend returning as if they'd last hung out the day before. "It's been a while."

"Too long! Your mom said you're a doctor now, I'm so proud of you!"

"Yeah, finally got there. And you're studying law? Somehow I didn't expect that."

"Yeah, I know. Everyone thought I'd end up on a hockey team."

"You lived and breathed hockey, Kendall."

"I did," Kendall agreed, "until I met this guy. Started hanging out with his family all the time and his dad's a cop. Carlos is actually in the police academy now, getting ready to graduate. So fucking proud of him, dude."

Logan could hear the love behind the words, imagined Kendall hugging Carlos to him in the back office of a store he'd never set foot in or even seen. "You really seem happy with him."

"I am. No offense, you were a great kisser and all, but there's nobody who makes me feel like Carlos does. Damn, hang on. Now he has to kiss me for saying that."

Logan chuckled, taking a moment to smile at Joseph again. "They're kissing," he whispered. "Kendall is disgustingly happy, you have nothing to fear."

"Good to know," Joseph replied, slipping his tongue out to slide over Logan's lips seductively while his fingers trailed up the back of Logan's neck to his hair.

"Jesus," Logan breathed. "Not now."

Joseph only replied with an evil smirk.

"Sorry, Logan, you there?"

Returning his attention to the phone, Logan nodded as if Kendall could see him. "Yeah, it's fine. Um, my mom said you're coming out here next week so I thought maybe you'd like a place to stay. It's up to you, of course, but we have a guest room if you don't want to pay for a hotel."

"Oh. The company's paying for my hotel, but...you know what? I'd love that. I've missed you, dude."

"I didn't even realize it, Kendall, but I've missed you, too. Come stay with me, meet Joseph."

"Joseph? Would this be the guy your mother told me about? She says you're crazy about him."

"Yeah, you could say that," Logan agreed, his own free hand sliding up into Joseph's hair. "He makes me crazy in a lot of ways, but most of them are good."

"You'd be bored without me," Joseph spoke up, and Logan laughed.

"Let me talk it over with Carlos, but yeah. Are you anywhere near the convention center?"

"Not far at all," Logan answered. "I'll be working, I'm sure, but I'm free in the evenings. And Joseph will be here during the day."

"That's cool, I'll be busy with the workshops during the day. It would be next Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday."

"Whenever is fine." At a sudden nip to his earlobe, Logan gasped. He gave Joseph a warning glance, but it quailed in response to the overpowering heat reflected in dark hazel eyes. "Um, call me sometime tomorrow. Evening is best."

"Sounds good. Dude, it's great to hear from you. You're never on Facebook."

"Yeah, I know. Tomorrow, then." Logan closed his eyes when Joseph's teeth clamped down on his neck, scraping across the sensitive skin.

"Talk to you then. Carlos says bye."

"Bye." Logan hung up in a hurry, turning wide eyes on Joseph. "What the hell brought that on?"

"Just a reminder that you're mine," he answered, lips trailing up Logan's throat to his mouth. "Feeling the need to show you."

"Joseph, I know it, you don't need to-"

When Joseph silenced him with a rough kiss while standing to drag his pants down expertly, Logan decided a daily reminder wasn't such a bad idea after all. He wondered how many times Joseph would feel the need to "remind" him when Kendall was actually present.

* * *

The first thing out of Faith's mouth was, "You fucked him."

Logan blinked in surprise, cheeks reddening as he glanced around the diner but no one was paying them any attention. "Excuse me?"

"You look different. More relaxed. And you can't tell me you were able to resist him in a hotel room overnight."

Shrugging, Logan reached for a menu he'd perused so many times it wasn't necessary to look at now, but he couldn't meet Faith's gaze. "I'm a grown man, Faith. I have needs."

She laughed, shaking her head as she patted his wrist. "I'm not saying it's a bad thing. He obviously makes you happy. I just worry about the long run, you know? And the fact that in your voicemail you said you needed a friend, and you sounded like someone in pain. What did you find out?"

"A lot and nothing," Logan sighed. "Let's order before I-" The sight of Tommy strolling into the place silenced him momentarily. "Tommy's here."

Faith spun around quickly, copper hair flying as a huge smile graced her face and green eyes brightened. "Tommy!" When he looked over, she gestured for him to join them. "Wait, is it okay? If you need time alone-"

"It's fine," Logan answered, standing to greet Tommy with a hug. It seemed like months since they'd seen each other even though they worked together almost daily.

"So you're back today?" Tommy asked.

"Yeah, met up with Faith because I needed to unload. You're welcome to join us but you'll have to listen to me whine about my love life."

"At least you got one now," Tommy teased. "Friends _and_a lover? You're movin' up."

"Shut up," Logan chuckled, returning to his seat while Faith scooted over to make room for Tommy next to her.

"So how is the beautiful stranger?" Tommy asked. "You took a few days off, is everything okay?"

Faith replied with, "They went for a weekend in San Francisco to find some answers. And Logan got laid."

"You guys, stop!" Logan laughed, blushing again. He'd assumed Tommy was aware of his sexuality but they'd never discussed it outright, let alone as blatantly as it was being confirmed now.

"Don't be embarrassed," Tommy soothed. "Proud of you for gettin' some. I bet he was going crazy waiting for it, he was insane over you from the first night."

"He was?" Logan questioned, excited to hear more.

"Yeah, remember when you asked me to check on him? I went to his room and he kept asking about you. When I told him you'd asked me to make sure he was okay...the look on his face, dude. It was like someone told him Santa really does exist after all. I don't know where he came from but I don't think he has a lot of people who care."

"He has two," Logan informed them. "A best friend and a man who treated him like a son."

Faith's head shot up from her menu. "You found answers."

"Some. He was a hooker for two years in San Francisco. And most likely before that, in whatever place he came from. I'd ask the two of you to keep that between us; he's not exactly proud of it, and it isn't exactly legal."

"Of course," Faith was nodding. "I'm not really surprised, though. I bet he did well with it."

"Fantastic, from what I hear," Logan agreed.

Tommy was turning the information over in his head. "Did he remember all this stuff or you just heard it all?"

"First we were told everything, and then later his memory came back. At least the two years he lived there, he still has everything else blocked out. And that's my problem," Logan sighed. "We're not any closer to the truth."

"Sure you are," Tommy countered. "You got two years of his life back. He remembered his name and everything, right? Now he knows who he is."

Logan shook his head sadly. "I wish it was that easy. Let's order breakfast since we all have to be at work soon, and then I'll tell you what I know."

As they ate Logan filled them in on the new information, explaining that Joseph had built a life from nothing and hid from his past there. He watched Faith's face fall when she realized what Logan had-this was a repeated psychosis that might have many layers to be peeled back and it could take years to get at the root of it all.

"Do you remember what I said in the beginning, Logan?"

Nodding miserably at Faith, Logan said, "He's running for a reason."

"No, not that. But that's still true. I told you he could be a criminal for all we know."

"If he was, they'd be searching for him," Logan argued. "Detective Monroe would've found something."

"Not necessarily."

"Man, I don't like to think he could be a bad person," Tommy commented, "but I've seen it happen so many times on my cop shows. He had to have done something really bad to bury it that deep."

"He's a good person," Logan stated vehemently. "I know that in my heart."

"His current personality, yes," Faith agreed. "I told you, he might be someone completely different now."

"But his last personality really wasn't any different than the Joseph I know. I mean, sure, it's not like he's going to continue with the prostitution here, so that's different, but I think he only did it there because he had no other options and it was second nature to him."

"Still," Tommy sighed, "you don't know what he's running from. He's-"

Shoving his half-empty plate aside, Logan leaned forward. "You guys are missing the point here. I'm not worried about whatever he did in the past. He would obviously feel horrible about it if it's something bad, and do whatever he could to make up for it. He'll suffer any consequences that come from it. But he has to get there first; he has to remember. And when he does..." Tears burned behind Logan's eyes as he looked away.

"Oh, Logan. Honey." Faith reached out for his hand, understanding right away that Logan's fear was legitimate.

"I can't lose him now," he whispered. "I love him. I don't know how to live without him anymore."

"Wait, you think he might run again?" Tommy asked. "If he remembers?"

"It's his pattern," Logan replied. "And if he runs, that's bad enough, but if he forgets me...forgets everything we have...I would go after him. I would hunt him down until I find him, but if I found him and he didn't know me..." The hated tears returned, Logan wiping his eyes in frustration. He had never been one to cry much, emotions something he avoided. Even when Kendall moved away, there had been sadness and a bit of loneliness but he had not cried; he'd buried himself in schoolwork and tutoring. This time he knew not even work would be enough to distract him if Joseph disappeared from his life.

"Then you stay at his side and force him to face it." Faith squeezed Logan's hand tight. "Don't let him go. He can keep running, but no matter where he goes you follow and you force him to fight the amnesia. Look at how far you've come in a month! Many people don't even recover things after a year. If he feels safe with you, he'll keep remembering. And maybe with you there, he won't run."

"I told you, dude," Tommy jumped in. "Guy is crazy about you. He ain't goin' nowhere. You found out he fucked a million dudes and you're still around. That says a lot."

"It isn't just that." Logan took a deep breath, letting it out slowly and taking a moment to gather his thoughts while the waitress cleared away their dishes. Faith asked for a coffee to go and Logan was reminded of the early days, when he'd used coffee to bribe Joseph. He had been lighter then, more free from the burden of knowing he was running from a past that was enough to push his brain over the edge. "I'm also afraid that when he does remember, he'll have obligations to his old life. I have reason to believe he might be a father."

"Whoa," Tommy replied while Faith sighed. This had been the sort of thing she warned Logan about from the start.

"If he does have a family, one that needs him..."

"I know, Faith." Voice dead, Logan continued, "Either way, I stand to lose him. He swears he won't leave me, that he'll take me with him into whatever life he discovers, but I can't expect him to stay with me if there's a child involved."

Once again studying Logan as his mind worked, Tommy asked, "What does he say about it? If he has a kid, did he say he'd still want to be with you?"

"We haven't discussed it. I don't know if he's made the connection that I did. It's a drawing he keeps doing, even now he's doing it, and it's a man with a baby. And there's a cemetery he draws, too. So many questions, I don't know what to think anymore."

"It might not be him with the baby, Logan," Tommy reasoned. "Maybe something happened to the baby and it was somehow his fault. Maybe he can't deal."

"Did he have the car phobia in San Francisco, Logan?"

Nodding, Logan addressed Faith. "And the drinking and drugs. I'm pretty sure it all has to do with this."

"So maybe he somehow hurt someone with a car. Hit and run or something."

"Wouldn't the police be looking for him if that was the case?"

"Yeah," Tommy nodded. "He would've come up as a wanted man."

"Look," Faith said suddenly, her no-nonsense this-is-how-it's-gonna-be voice coming into play. "Bottom line is you need to get him to remember. Talk to him about these things, see how he reacts. If he gets defensive or starts to freak out at all, you know you're onto something."

"What if when he does remember, I lose him?"

"You can't keep hold of something that never belonged to you in the first place," Faith reminded him, eyes softening. "If he's meant to be with you, he will be. If not...well, you knew from the start this was a possibility. It's the reason you didn't cross that line, remember?"

Yes, Logan remembered. Now, though, he couldn't imagine a life without Joseph's kisses and caresses, without the smile that greeted him when he walked into a room, the laugh that warmed his heart and filled it with love.

"Logan, I'm _telling _you," Tommy jumped in, "dude is crazy insane over you. He's not going anywhere."

"If he's scared enough," Faith argued, "he'll run again."

"Then Logan will go after him. Hunt that man down time and time again, make him yours until it's so deep in his psyche he can't ever forget it."

It was a depressing prospect, the idea of a life filled with years of chasing after a man who didn't want to be found. He knew then that Faith was right, he had no choice but to make Joseph face the truth or they'd both go crazy. "Dr. Coates said I shouldn't push."

"It's not pushing, it's a subtle form of prodding."

Tommy glanced at Faith with a laugh. "Sounds like pushing to me."

"What do you know, you're an intern. You're here to learn from the pros. Sit back and watch."

Logan smiled while Tommy cocked his head and suggested, "Then we should start having lunch together. I need a lot of instruction."

"You do," Faith nodded. "One o'clock. Cafeteria. Don't be late or I won't buy."

Not missing what was going on, Logan's smile widened. He stood up and grabbed the check. "Thanks for listening, guys. I need to call Joseph before I get started."

"You want to join us for lunch, Logan?" Tommy asked, looking up at him.

"Nope. I've got my own date waiting for me at home. But thanks. You two have fun."

"Sure," Tommy sighed, stretching out long legs now that Logan had cleared the space. "She'll probably spend the whole time lecturing me about how to do my job even though we don't work together. _Loads_ of fun."

Logan knew they'd enjoy the time, though, and welcomed the sight of love blossoming as it was a reminder that it didn't have to be filled with pain; it could be full of hope and excitement for a future that might one day come to pass.

After sliding behind the wheel of his car, Logan called Joseph. The rough, sleepy voice was sexy and he immediately wished he was back in bed with those arms around him. "Hey, stranger."

"Mmm, hi cutie. I think it was a bad idea for us to sleep together."

"Excuse me? It's the best idea we've ever had."

"Yeah, but I wake up alone and you're gone. I miss you."

"Trust me," Logan agreed, "in my bed with you is exactly where I want to be right now. I'll be home for lunch around one. Order us a pizza?"

"Can we spend some time in bed, too?"

"If we're quick about it."

"Oh, you _know_ we can be quick. I'll have the pizza here early so that you can come straight to bed. I'll be ready for you."

A vision of Joseph naked in his bed, waiting and eager with big hazel eyes staring up at him in invitation caused Logan to squirm in his seat. "I mean it, Joseph. I can't be late getting back to work."

"Don't worry, I know exactly what you like. It won't take long at all. Should I wear the leather pants?"

"Joseph, stop," Logan begged.

"You're already hard, aren't you?" He was obviously delighted over the idea.

"Like you aren't?"

"I have been since the second I heard your voice. My hand's been working for two minutes now."

"Fuck," Logan muttered, biting his lip. How did Joseph do this to him so easily? True, he was a master at being seductive, but flirtations of this level usually had the opposite effect on Logan—they turned him off. With Joseph, it seemed everything turned him on. "I need to go."

"Fine." Sighing, Logan heard the sound of the mattress bending as Joseph turned onto his back. "Go save some lives."

"I intend to," Logan smiled. "It's what I do best."

"I know other things you do that could compete."

Logan groaned and rested his head against the seat. "Goodbye, Joseph."

"Bye, cutie," Joseph grinned.

There was no way he could live without this ever again. Determination set in, Logan deciding that Faith's idea was best; it was time to push. Dr. Coates would disagree, and it might end up backfiring on him, but they couldn't stay like this forever, stuck in limbo.

Though maybe they could do it one more week and wait until after Kendall's visit. Joseph probably wouldn't feel secure enough with Kendall around to have another breakthrough, anyway. And that would give them more time for days like today, where they could pretend everything was going to be fine and that the rest of their lives would be more of this.

As Logan was walking into the hospital, a text came in. He smiled, knowing it was from Joseph, and his heart danced when he read the words.

"_I love you."_

It was followed by a little heart.

There was a bounce in his step as he clocked in for his shift, greeting those around him with a huge grin.

Sometimes it wasn't so bad to be kept in the dark.

XXXX


	18. Chapter 18

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the characters taken from Big Time Rush and placed into this story. I make no money off this.

**Author's Notes:**

Sorry, I should have been more specific when I said you'd get what you want. I meant Kendall. You guys wanted Kendall to finally show up. He did. As usual, I now remember why I hate bringing Kendall into Jagan fics. Because now I'm dying to write Kames again. But no. This story will be finished. TAKE THAT, KENDALL.

And I considered splitting this into two chapters, but I felt the need to get it all out so here you go. A nice long chapter. Now you have to wait until I get more written before I post again, and who knows when that will be. But hey, I wrote all this in a day, so we'll see. :)

Huge thank you to **Aranelle** and **jdmazz** for quick turnarounds with the beta stuff. I know they have lives and fic of their own but they're wonderful about taking time to read this over for me and give me feedback/advice. I love them so much. Ha, it's also funny that my two betas are Kames girls.

Also THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YOU. YES, YOU. I LOVE YOU.

About a year ago I wrote a story for **kathrynew30**, it was a gift for our one-year friendiversary. The James Diamond in this story is taken directly from that one, though he suffered no amnesia in it. So for that reason, I dedicate this to Kathryn.

I also must dedicate it to **joyousbrokenthing**, who is entirely to blame for this being written at all. She tweeted me one night about a vision of Logan as a scientist building a robot James. This story is of course not that at all, but it got me thinking about a situation where Logan basically helps put James back together and within fifteen minutes I had this story pretty much written in my head. I wasn't planning to write a Jagan next, but it wouldn't leave me alone so here we are. Thanks a lot, Tammy. XD

* * *

The next week passed smoothly enough, Joseph coming up with a few more drawings as the memories came to him but none of them were enough to give any answers. The time spent together was alternately rushed and savored; there were moments where they attacked each other as if it was their last chance to be together, and others where they simply cuddled on the couch or teamed up to cook the evening meal. Those were relaxed and content and filled with stolen kisses and lazy caresses, the two never far from each others' grasps. One night they even met Tommy and Faith at Pancho's for dinner, Joseph nervous about being judged in this capacity but the two quickly made him feel like a friend rather than a patient and he was able to enjoy it. It felt good to Logan to be able to sit in a public place and not hold back, to share a meal with his boyfriend and friends where the boyfriend always found a way to touch him (even innocently) and show him he was loved. Logan expected a lecture from Faith when they were briefly left alone but all she said was, "Hold on to him." Logan nodded, smiling softly.

He knew Joseph was increasingly bored during the day and made a point to return home for lunch, though twice Logan was almost late getting back to work and once didn't eat at all because Joseph was so distracting. He regretted that within an hour, dragging his weak body around the emergency room until Tommy noticed something was wrong and covered long enough for Logan to run to the cafeteria and wolf down a sandwich. He vowed that day to set an alarm if he had to in order to make sure he left enough time for food before returning to work.

When he found a moment to text Joseph that afternoon, Joseph didn't get back to him. Logan was concerned and considered calling, but then a trauma victim arrived and there was no time. He worked an hour late that day, finally glancing at his phone to see a frantic text from Joseph.  
_  
"WHERE ARE YOU? JUST TELL ME YOU'RE OKAY."_

Putting a call through immediately, the first thing Logan said was, "I'm okay."

"Where are you? I was worried."

"I know, I'm sorry. Ended up working late, a little girl came in from a car crash. We managed to save her but it was close."

"Oh, fuck. She's okay?"

"She will be. We'll keep a watch on her overnight but she seems to be in the clear. It's her parents I'm worried about, I spent a long time talking to them."

"Were they driving?"

"No, the older brother was. We're watching him, too, in case he tries to do anything stupid."

Joseph was silent for so long Logan thought it had finally happened, that the discussion had unlocked the mystery because they both knew enough to suspect Joseph's past was similar, but finally he said, "Well, hurry home. I'm cooking dinner and it's almost ready."

"You're cooking dinner?" Logan's eyes widened. "Did you use the stove? I worry about you using the stove."

"Hush, I followed the directions on the packages. I walked down to the store and bought some things. It's nothing gourmet but I thought you deserved a break for a change and I felt bad you didn't get any lunch because I'm so amazing in bed."

If the statement hadn't been so true, Logan would tease Joseph about his ego; instead he remained silent on that score. Despite his fears of going home to find his kitchen looking like a warzone, he replied, "Thank you. I'll be home soon. I love you."

"I love you, too. Just don't judge me for my cooking."

It was worse than Logan had imagined it would be, both the mess and the dinner. They ended up ordering pizza yet again, laughing about it while cleaning up the kitchen together, and Logan wondered how much of Joseph's sudden desire to cook stemmed from boredom.

"I noticed today that the gift shop needs a volunteer," he said casually while they sat on the balcony eating pizza.

Breaking off a stubborn string of cheese that would not separate, Joseph asked, "At the hospital?"

"M-hm. I know that's not really your thing but it's something to do. And I uh...okay, don't be mad."

Joseph frowned immediately, not angrily but with trepidation. "What? Did you volunteer me?"

"No, I didn't get that idea until just now. But I was showing off your sketches to Faith-"

"My sketches? Which ones?"

"Relax," Logan soothed, a hand covering one of Joseph's. "The beach ones. I'm sorry, we talked the other night about them and she wanted to see them, remember?"

"Oh. Right. And?"

"And she said you could probably make good money off them. So I took them to Sandy, the woman in charge of the gift shop. And she suggested we frame them and then she'll sell them. She says beach themes are popular among hospital visitors because they're soothing and relaxing. So...I thought you might want to do that."

Licking his lips, Joseph set down the crust that was left of his current slice. He wiped his mouth and chugged the water he'd come to keep at his side now that he was out running daily.

"It's up to you, of course."

Nodding, Joseph asked, "You were showing off my drawings?"

"I might be a little proud," Logan shrugged. "And a few other co-workers might've seen them, too. Because...you know. I was a little proud."

"Are you finished eating?"

The question caught Logan off guard, put forth abruptly and with determination. "Do I need to be?"

"Yes. Now."

It was the bar all over again, Joseph needing Logan so desperately he could hardly speak. Logan put up no argument, leaving the remains of dinner to clean up later.

The strangest things turned Joseph on.

* * *

"_Can I buy you lunch?"_

The text came in the next day just as Logan was making his way out of the emergency room. He smiled and responded with, _"On my way but we don't have time to go anywhere."_

"But Pancho's is on the corner."

That wasn't a text, it was a voice behind him, and Logan spun around in surprise. Joseph was there with a big smile, arms crossed over his chest and looking delicious as always in a simple t-shirt and jeans. "What are you doing here?"

Joseph shrugged. "Would you buy that I missed you?"

"If you didn't know I was coming home for lunch, yes. Come here."

Without hesitation, Joseph went to meet the hug waiting for him. "I really did miss you, you know."

"I know," Logan said softly. "I missed you, too. But we can't have sex at Pancho's," he whispered, "so don't even try."

Laughing, Joseph stepped back. "That just means I'll make up for it tonight. Have lunch with me?"

"Of course. Let me grab my wallet, come on."

Fifteen minutes later they were seated and waiting on nachos, Joseph already salivating.

"So really, why are you here?" Logan wanted to know, hand stretched across the table and wrapped in a larger one.

"I uh...well, you were right."

"About?"

"I'm kind of going crazy at the apartment. I'm sure you've figured that out. Not that I'm not happy living there," he added hurriedly. "Living with you is the best thing that ever happened to me. At least, I think it is."

"No, I get it. That's why I mentioned the volunteering."

"Yeah, I um...oh, there's our order!" He hopped up quickly, Logan shaking his head. The guy loved to eat.

Once he'd returned and they were sharing nachos, Logan urged Joseph to continue.

"Oh! So I went and talked to the gift shop lady. Sandy?"

"You did?" Shocked, Logan sat back.

"Yeah. I explained my situation to her, how I can't find work because of the amnesia, and I think she was a little hesitant but then I mentioned you and she said, 'Are you the man who does those beautiful drawings?' and I said yes, and she said, 'So you're a friend of Logan?' And I said I was your boyfriend. I hope that's okay, I'm not going to lie about it."

Joseph's excitement was precious, but Logan was overwhelmed by the bomb he'd dropped; blinking furiously, his mouth worked. "Um. Okay."

"You're not ashamed, are you?"

"No, it's just...Sandy. Wow. I don't lie about it, Joseph, but it's not something I volunteer to everyone I come into contact with. And Sandy's older, not someone who-"

"Oh, please," Joseph argued, shoving his face with chips and covered in a mass of gooey goodness. "She was all excited for you, said you're a nice man who deserves to be loved."

"She...really?"

"Yes, everyone loves you! How do you not see that? But when I mentioned you, she was fine. I'm going to come in with you a few days a week and work until your lunch time. If that's okay with you."

"Joseph, it's...really?" More proud than anything else, as it had taken mountains of courage for Joseph to take that step and to do it on his own, Logan stood up and pulled him into a tight hug. "That's great!"

"Yeah? You don't mind lugging me back and forth?"

"Of course not, I'm so proud of you! This is a huge step, Dr. Coates is going to be proud, too, and..." Stepping back, Logan cupped Joseph's cheek until their gazes met. "I love you so much. So proud."

Beaming now, Joseph hugged Logan again so tight it almost hurt, then slid into the booth to finish his beloved nachos. "Come on, eat, you don't have a lot of time!"

"When do you start?" Logan asked as he followed Joseph's command.

"Tomorrow. I don't know what she's gonna have me do, and it might not even work out, but it's something to do and it's close to you. That's good enough for me."

Hesitating only briefly and not sure why he was choosing to do it now, Logan stated, "I was thinking about the T.V. thing. About working with the media to see if anyone recognizes you."

Joseph stopped chewing, lowering his hand to the table. "Oh."

"Yeah."

"You think I should?"

Taking a sip of his drink first, Logan replied, "I wondered if you still wanted to."

"I...hadn't thought about it. I'm a little scared to talk to Monroe again, to be honest."

Nodding, Logan said, "I understand that. I don't know if you'd be held accountable for anything you did in San Francisco or not, but I'd rather not find out. We have to do something, though, Joseph. I'm not pushing, I just-"

"Actually, you are."

It was one of the few times Logan had ever heard Joseph annoyed with him. He sighed, returning to his food. "Forget I said anything."

"Don't you think I _want_ to remember? Don't you think I _want_ to know who I am?"

"I know you do."

"Dr. Coates said not to rush it, that when I was ready, I'd remember. I'm not ready yet."

_But will you ever be?_ All Logan said, though, was, "Okay. I'm sorry I pushed."

"I know it isn't easy for you, Logan. But it's not easy for me, either."

"I know. I'm sorry."

Joseph reached across the table and Logan stretched out his arm to take the peace offering, their fingers twining together. "Someday," Joseph said softly.

"Someday," Logan echoed. The wait was killing him, though.

* * *

Joseph proved to be the charmer Logan knew him to be, winning Sandy over quickly so that she searched Logan out one day in the cafeteria and gushed over him for ten minutes. All Logan could do was smile and laugh and agree that Joseph was indeed something else. His child-like exuberance over simple things like a new flavor of cookies was welcome in a place where so many were sad, and on Logan's next day off they went down and had a few of his sketches framed. Two of them sold the first day they were displayed, and Sandy gave him a share of the profits. He'd made at least four times as much money with his previous "job" but no one would know that from his excitement over this. He sent Logan a text each time one was sold, huge capital letters and what seemed a thousand exclamation points, and when Logan was able to glance at his phone he laughed, possibly more proud than Joseph.

With his first profit, Joseph insisted on taking Logan out to dinner. He chose Pietro's, staring lovingly at Logan through most of the meal and when Logan asked what had gotten into him, he responded with, "I don't have to pretend anymore."

"Pretend what?"

"That this thing between us is going somewhere and I'm going to take you home and make love to you all night. It's going to happen this time."

It was almost enough to bring Logan to tears, again underscoring in his mind that he could not ever lose this man. Whatever his name was, wherever he came from, he would always have a home in Logan's heart.

When Joseph suggested ice cream after dinner, Logan's condition was that it had to be to-go; he was in a hurry to put Joseph's plan into action.

* * *

Though Logan repeatedly told Joseph not to be, it was obvious how nervous he was about meeting Kendall. When Logan suggested Joseph wait at home while he picked Kendall up from the airport, Joseph's reaction was a loud and vehement, "Oh, hell no! I'm not leaving him alone with you until I see what I'm dealing with here."

"Joseph, you're being ridiculous. I only suggested it because you seem so nervous."

"Of course I'm nervous! This is someone you made out with."

"Years ago. So many I barely remember it."

"Bullshit. You never forget your first kiss."

Logan's gaze shot over to Joseph as they left the apartment, an eyebrow raised, and Joseph realized what he'd said. "Okay, so maybe _some_ of us forget, but I don't count. I can't even remember my first fuck."

"Now _that_ is definitely something nobody forgets."

Holding Logan's hand as they took the stairs, Joseph asked, "What was your first time like?"

"Awkward," Logan chuckled. "I did it because I wanted to know what it was like."

"You didn't love the guy?"

"He was okay, I guess," Logan shrugged. "I spent most of it thinking of everything I'd read and trying to do it right. What I should've done is just relaxed and let him run the show, but I have issues with giving up control."

Joseph smirked. "You don't seem to have a problem around me."

"That's how I know you're special." Squeezing Joseph's hand briefly before letting go to move around to the driver's side, he continued, "Because I can't fight you. I don't even want to."

"But you _did_ fight me. For a long time."

"How many times did I almost give in, though?"

"Uh...twice? I think?"

"The fact that I even came close says everything you need to know. Kendall tried to get me to go further and I wasn't even tempted."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously. True, I was young and scared, but at the time if anybody could convince me to do something, it was Kendall. And he didn't even come _close_. I think with you I would've given in within two days."

"Yeah?" Joseph grinned as he slid into the passenger seat.

"Absolutely," Logan replied. "So don't ever think you're not special, or that you have anything to worry about. Trust me when I say there's no one who makes me feel like you do."

For that comment, Joseph had to capture Logan's face for a kiss, so full of passion and devotion that it was almost two minutes later when Logan finally pulled back, breathless and wishing they weren't supposed to be somewhere. "Better?" he asked.

"Mostly," Joseph answered. "Let's go meet the enemy."

"Joseph, you have to stop thinking of him that way. He's a great guy and I won't have you making him feel unwelcome. If that's going to be the case, I'll put him in a hotel."

"Don't worry about it, just drive. I can be polite when I need to be."

"Yes, but you're also sneaky. I'd like to keep the one real friend I have, okay?"

"As long as he keeps his hands off you, we're good."

With a long sigh, Logan put the car into drive. It was going to be an interesting visit.

* * *

It truly was as if no time had passed, their initial embrace that of two friends who still hung out daily. Kendall's first words were, "You haven't changed at all."

Laughing, Logan said the same. Kendall was still the way he remembered him: tall, thin, lanky, blond hair a bit shorter but otherwise he hadn't aged a bit, even clad in one of the ever-present flannel shirts he'd always favored. "How are your mom and Katie?"

"Good! Mom still refuses to date but we keep trying; she spends all her time babying us instead. And Katie...well. You know Katie."

"I can only imagine," Logan nodded, remembering Kendall's precocious younger sister. He spun around to find Joseph standing stiffly with hands buried in pockets and knew immediately that Joseph was terrified. Resisting the urge to hug him close, Logan instead smiled and held out a hand. Joseph took it, holding tight. "And this is Joseph. The light of my life."

"Stop, Logan," Joseph complained, but he was pleased, and after letting go of Logan's hand to shake Kendall's, he slid an arm possessively around Logan's waist.

Kendall chuckled. "No need to be embarrassed, Carlos says things like that about me all the time. He's really adorable. I wanted him to come with me but it didn't happen."

"I was thinking maybe Joseph and I could fly home for Christmas this year, he's dying to meet Mom. And then we could meet Carlos."

"You were?" Joseph turned wide eyes to Logan, who only smiled and nodded. "I'd love to go home with you!"

"That's what we'll do, then." To Kendall, he said, "Got everything?"

"No, my luggage should be coming down over there. And let me call Carlos to tell him I landed. He worries."

Joseph grinned, pulling Logan along as they followed Kendall. "I like this Carlos."

"Seems like a good guy, doesn't he?"

"You could've warned me, Logan."

Glancing up in confusion, Logan frowned. "About what?"

"The fact that he's hot. I pictured him ugly."

Logan laughed hard, hugging Joseph closer against him. "Sorry. Do I need to be the one worried here?"

"I said hot. Not gorgeous or cute or sexy or amazing, which are all the things you are."

"But apparently I'm not hot." Logan wasn't really bothered by the comment, though, not after all of the other adjectives Joseph had spewed about him. "And you are all of those things as well, beautiful."

Purposely waiting until Kendall had grabbed his suitcase and turned around to face them, Joseph dipped his head down to kiss Logan. Recognizing it as Joseph's way of staking his claim, Logan allowed it for a short time before whispering, "Enough. He gets it."

"Just making sure. So, Kendall. What kind of convention is this thing?" Joseph wrapped his arm around Logan's shoulders and led him away, leaving Kendall to trail behind.

"It's about marketing in the grocery industry. We're just a small store, not even a chain, but the boss decided to send a few of us out here to learn new ways to merchandise, see the latest innovations. Mostly he wants to see what the competition's like, I think. He hasn't admitted it but I'm pretty sure he's looking to expand."

"Are you alone?" Logan asked, slowing down so Kendall could walk alongside them.

"Yeah, the other guy already went to the hotel. Thanks again for letting me stay."

"Happy to have you, buddy." Logan smiled over at him, Kendall returning it, and between them Joseph frowned.

* * *

As all three were starving, they stopped for dinner on the way home. Joseph shoved Logan into a booth and blocked him in, Logan rolling his eyes but cuddling up when Joseph pulled him closer.

"So tell me about your life," Kendall began, opening a menu. "What's it like being a doctor?"

"Right now it's hectic. I'm in the E.R. so I see a lot of trauma. It can be a little much sometimes, but then you get things like broken ankles or food poisoning to balance it all out. The best thing about it is when you actually save a life. Makes it all worth it."

"Logan's good at saving lives," Joseph smiled, fingers rubbing over Logan's shoulder.

"Do you speak from experience?" Kendall asked with an arched eyebrow.

"He started out as my patient, yes." Unsure how comfortable Joseph was sharing his predicament, Logan left it at that.

"Really? That's how you two met?"

Joseph nodded. "He saved me. I'd be lost without him, in a lot of ways."

Knowing that much was true, Logan didn't argue. "Joseph works at the hospital gift shop now, a few days a week. It's nice having him nearby."

"I'm just grateful Carlos and I work together, I'd probably never see him otherwise," Kendall sighed.

"Don't you live together?" Logan asked.

"Yes, but we're hardly ever home. Between school and work, all we really do at home is sleep."

Joseph grimaced. "That's no fun. Logan and I do all kinds of things at home."

"Okay," Logan interrupted, slapping a hand down on the table. "Let's just get this out of the way now."

"What?" Joseph said innocently.

"Kendall, will you please tell him you are very much in love with Carlos and have no interest in me whatsoever in a romantic sense? He's terrified you're going to steal me away."

Kendall grinned, obviously tempted to mess with Joseph, but at a warning glance from Logan he changed his mind. "Joseph, I really am very happy with Carlos. We're engaged. He's...I don't know how to explain it. He's everything I need. He keeps me from getting too serious, which I need lately. I get so wrapped up in school because I'm determined to get through it, and at work I'm usually in charge so there's not a lot of time for fun. Carlos forces me to have fun and appreciate the little things in life."

Logan was nodding. "Joseph does the same for me."

"There's always time for fun," Joseph pointed out.

"That's what Carlos says. But we've been together for years and neither of us is going anywhere. I promise, Logan is safe from me. Even if he does have adorable dimples."

Blushing, Logan shook his head. "Don't even joke about it, Kendall."

"He can joke, it's fine," Joseph argued, even though it was clearly not.

Logan commented, "I'm sorry, Kendall, I forgot to add the 'if you want to live' part.'"

"I promise, Joseph," Kendall laughed. "He's all yours. Guy's a great kisser but he's not what I need. He isn't my Carlos."

Logan grinned. "And Kendall's not my Joseph," he said with a headbutt to Joseph's shoulder. He lifted his lips to whisper, "He doesn't dress up and put on a striptease for me after a long day at work."

With a smug smile, Joseph asked, "Kendall, do you own any make-up?"

"Make-up? Uh, no...is that a problem?"

"Not at all. That's perfect, and all I needed to know."

Once again rolling his eyes, Logan urged Joseph to decide what he wanted to eat before the waitress returned. "Are we good now?" he asked softly.

"We're perfect," Joseph smiled, kissing him slowly until they were interrupted by the waitress. Kendall had been laughing at something on his phone and set it down when she approached. Once she'd moved away, Joseph motioned toward it. "Carlos checking up on you?"

"Nah, just sharing a pic of his nephew. Look at this guys, he's adorable. They both are."

Kendall turned the phone so they could look at the picture, which showed a handsome young man with short dark hair and a bright smile mugging for the camera while a smaller head peeked over his shoulder. The boy looked to be about three and somewhat resembled Carlos, who was giving him a piggy-back ride. The caption for the photo said, _"Luke says hi! We miss you!"_

Logan made an "aww" sound that was rather unmanly, but babies and kids did that to him.

"Luke?" Joseph said abruptly.

"Yeah. I love that kid, he calls me Uncle Kendall. We take him every Sunday, spend the day spoiling him rotten. It's the only day we're both off from the store and Carlos forces me to have fun instead of spending it on schoolwork."

"You want kids, don't you, Kendall?" Logan said knowingly.

"Someday, yeah. We've already talked about it. Carlos is going to make a fantastic dad. We um...well." Blushing furiously, Kendall reached for his soda, not meeting Logan's gaze.

"What?" Logan urged. "Go on, we don't judge."

"It's nothing, we were at the mall the other day looking for a birthday gift for Luke and we found this little hockey jersey. For a baby. We got one for Luke and picked up one for a baby, too. We just looked at each other and didn't say anything, and Carlos took it off the rack and carried it up to the counter. That was really all that needed to be said."

"_That_ constitutes 'talking about it'?" Logan wanted to know. "Looking at each other?"

"For me and Carlos it does. What, like you two don't have entire conversations with just a look? I've already seen it happen twice since I got here."

Logan glanced up at Joseph, who surprisingly wasn't even listening to them. He was still staring down at the phone that Kendall had laid down on the table. "What's wrong?"

"Hmm?" Shaking his head, Joseph smiled at Logan. "Nothing. Cute kid."

"Do I need to be prepared for you to start bringing home baby clothes?" Logan teased, figuring it was a perfect time to search Joseph out on that subject.

"Uh, no," Joseph laughed. "Not for a long, long time."

"Yeah," Kendall agreed. "We don't really have time for a kid now anyway, probably not for a few years. Once Carlos graduates the academy and I pass my bar exam, then maybe we can think about it. For now it's something nice to look forward to."

"I'll be right back," Joseph suddenly whispered to Logan before scooting away.

"Where are you going?" Logan was immediately concerned—for Joseph to leave him alone with Kendall was the last thing he'd expected.

"I need something from the car. It's fine, don't worry. We'll talk about it later."

About to argue, Logan finally backed off because Joseph was silently begging him to. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the car keys, holding them out to Joseph. "If you need me, call me."

"Promise." After a quick kiss, Joseph headed toward the entrance.

"See?" Kendall pointed out. "You two just had an entire conversation without saying more than five words. Is he okay?"

"Yeah, he just..." Logan sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. "Yeah. There's a lot going on."

"You guys _are_ happy together, right? Unless you're a damn good actor, you seem to be head over heels."

"I am. No worries on that score." He paused, wondering how much he should say, and finally offered, "What I do worry about is keeping him."

"Logan, come on. I've known him all of thirty minutes and I can tell you he's not going anywhere."

Reminded of Tommy's words, Logan nodded. "He loves me. No question about that. But...things could change at any moment. There's a lot that you don't know."

"Health problems? Whatever he was in the hospital for?" When Logan hesitated, Kendall put up a hand. "It's not my business. I'm sorry."

"No, it's fine," Logan replied, eyes searching out his car through the window. "It's just not my place to talk about it. It's his. He-" Breaking off at the sight of Joseph stepping out of the car with the sketchbook in his hands, Logan's breath caught. "I'll be right back."

He jogged across the small parking lot, watching Joseph's hand flying over the page once he'd arrived. It was the store again, but this time there was a shopping cart in front of it. Hunkered down in the cart was a boy about ten years old, laughing and carefree while hands not much bigger than his pushed the cart forward. There were cars parked nearby and what looked like snow on the ground, though it was hard to tell since the sketch was done in only one color.

When Joseph's hand stopped moving Logan stepped forward to hold him, feeling Joseph tremble in his arms. "Is that you in the cart?" he asked quietly.

"No. I don't know who it is. I'm the one pushing it."

"And you don't know where?"

"No. I'm sorry. And I know it was rude, but it came to me and I had to get away."

"It's fine. Don't ever apologize for that."

Joseph nodded, the book pressed up against Logan's back as they held each other.

"Any idea what brought it on?"

"The picture."

"Carlos and his nephew?"

"Yes. The boy...I don't know, Logan. I don't know. Seeing a kid reminded me of that, I remember pushing my friend in that cart. He was a friend, I _know_ he was."

"So that's from your childhood."

"Yeah. I was having fun, we were goofing off. I don't remember anything else, just...that very moment in time. I can hear the cars from the street, hear his laughter. It was cold, so cold I could see my breath. I just wish I had something...you know. A name or a place or just something."

"It's okay. Like you said, when you're ready." Sensing that Joseph was okay now, Logan stepped back and took the book from him to study it. There were no real clues.

"I'm sorry," Joseph offered quietly, sounding as if he was about to cry. "I'm trying, I really am."

"I know, love, I know." Hugging Joseph tight again, Logan kissed his cheek. "I'm here for the long haul. I won't give up on you."

"Did you tell Kendall everything?"

"No. That's not for me to decide. He doesn't know anything about this."

Nodding, Joseph studied the drawing a few seconds more before closing the notebook and tossing it into the car. "Thank you."

"Whatever you want. I'm here. Do you feel better after listening to him talk about Carlos?"

Surprisingly, Joseph laughed. "Yes, actually. He's as crazy about Carlos as I am about you."

"So we're good?" Logan smiled, lifting to press his lips to Joseph's.

"Oh, we're perfect. And when we get home tonight I'm going to fuck you so hard you won't have any doubt who you belong to."

A strangled sound escaped Logan, his knees going weak. "I never did."

* * *

Kendall waved away their apologies when they returned. Logan could see he was concerned, but he kept his thoughts to himself and the rest of dinner passed with a lot of laughter as the two relived memories from their short time together. Joseph was included enough that he didn't feel like an outsider and instead begged for more stories about teenaged Logan. The only thing that seemed to be missing was Carlos, whose spirit was somehow present even while being in another state.

There was only enough time for Logan to show Kendall to his guest room and to remind him to make himself at home before he was being dragged away to the bedroom by Joseph. He promised Kendall they'd catch up the following evening, Kendall laughing and urging them to go on because "I have to call Carlos to say goodnight anyway." Logan was grateful he understood.

Logan attempted at first to be quiet in consideration of their guest, but Joseph was not holding back tonight, relentless in his assault on Logan's body until Logan had little mind to speak of. There was almost no time to breathe, Joseph's thrusts brutal but Logan welcoming it, welcoming the attack for the show of possession it was. Joseph drove him higher and higher, Logan's screams loud enough to wake the neighbors and just when he thought (vaguely) that they should probably take it down a level, Joseph covered his mouth with a kiss so deep he couldn't have screamed anyway. He managed to choke out Joseph's name before it was over, the orgasm like a freight train running through his body and leaving him so weak he could only lay there panting as Joseph relaxed onto him with sweat dripping down his face.

"Was that about Kendall?" Logan asked when he could manage it.

"A lot of things," was Joseph's reply.

Nodding, Logan took in deep gulps of air after Joseph rolled onto his back. Ten minutes later he was better but parched as he laid wrapped up in Joseph's embrace. He placed a soft kiss to Joseph's lips, Joseph smiling in his sleep, and then extricated himself to clean up and throw on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt before making his way to the kitchen.

A light greeted him there, Kendall turning from the refrigerator with a guilty grin. "Sorry, I was thirsty. Alright if I drink this?" He held up a bottle of water.

"Only if you pass me one, too."

Kendall tossed him a bottle, a smirk at his lips as he said, "I'd tease you but my phone call went in a similar direction so I'd be a hypocrite."

''I'm so sorry," Logan blushed, sitting down at the table and hiding his face behind both hands. "I'm never like that. He just..."

"It's cool, I get it," Kendall laughed, sinking into a chair across from him. "Carlos does the same thing, gets me to do things I don't normally do."

"I'm just usually more considerate. I tried to be but he just...he's...you know."

"Yes," Kendall agreed, gulping down half the bottle of water. "I know. I'm sure it was worse with me here, him wanting to prove something."

"Partly that, yes." Cracking open his own bottle, Logan drank some down before continuing. "He's struggling with some things and afraid to lose me."

"I thought _you_ were afraid to lose_ him_."

"It's mutual. I'm not going to get into specifics because like I said, it's his place to share if he wants to, but there are some things he has to come to terms with before we can be truly happy together. I mean, we're happy now, but...for the first month of our friendship we had to fight our feelings. I wouldn't even allow a kiss."

"Were you just scared?"

"Yes, but not in the way you're thinking. It's hard to explain."

"I won't push," Kendall assured him, sipping more water. "But what's holding him back from coming to terms?"

"It's not exactly something he can control. It's...complicated."

"Does he love you?"

Logan smiled. "More than I deserve."

Nodding because he'd expected that, Kendall's next question was, "Do you love him?"

"More than my own life."

Kendall shrugged. "What else do you need to know? Just be there with him when he has to come to terms with it, stand next to him and hold his hand. Simple as that."

Was it? Kendall always had a way of making things seem easy, or at least more simple. "I wish it was that easy."

"It should be. I'm here if you want to talk."

Considering it while rubbing a thumb over the flimsy plastic of his water bottle, Logan decided maybe they could talk about one aspect of it. "He might be a father. And please keep this between us."

"Might be?" Kendall question, eyebrow shooting up.

"We don't know yet."

"Oh. Wow. Okay, I get it."

He didn't, of course, but Logan let his assumption stand. "I'm not sure how to deal with that if it proves to be the case."

"But you guys joked about kids earlier. He said not for a long time, so obviously he's not worried about it."

"He doesn't...for the sake of argument let's just say he found out he was a father, had a child out there who needed him."

"Okay...does that scare you?"

"Only in the way that he might leave me to raise the kid."

"You can't do that with him? Luke doesn't have a dad but Carlos and I are perfect substitutes. I mean, I know it's not the same thing and we're not full-time dads but we do it together. We make it work, enough that we know when the time comes, we'll do fine. Are you afraid he won't want you to be around his kid?"

"I just don't know."

"Have you asked?"

Logan sighed, sitting back in frustration. He hated that Kendall did this, always got right to the heart of the matter. "No. We haven't really discussed that."

"Then do it. You'll feel better, at least know where you stand. How long have you been dating?"

Thinking back, Logan answered, "A little over a week?"

"A week?" Kendall exclaimed, incredulous. "How is that possible, you said-"

"We've known each other more than a month. Fell in love pretty much at the start."

"When he was your patient."

"Yes."

"I can't find fault with that, Carlos and I were kissing within three days of meeting each other. He pretty much ambushed me." They chuckled together before Kendall asked, "What's his family like?"

"It's complicated," Logan said again.

Shaking his head, Kendall shrugged his shoulders. "Bottom line is you love each other. I'm not saying love conquers all, because I've seen it die when it should survive, but if two people love each other there's not a lot that can break it down. Just do that. Love each other. No matter what."

Logan licked his lips, biting his lip before speaking. "We've got that covered."

"Then take the rest as it comes. And call me when you need to, I'm always here. I don't want us to go back to never talking; other than Carlos you're the best friend I've ever had. We didn't get a whole lot of time together but it was pretty amazing when we did, right?"

"Yes," Logan agreed. "I shoved aside a lot of feelings when you moved. Everything happens for a reason and I wouldn't want to be without Joseph now, but you were the first real friend I had."

"Same here," Kendall grinned. "So if we can get Joseph's jealousy under control, let's not do that again. A phone call at least once a week."

"I can manage that. Joseph will be sitting right there on my lap, though," he joked, then realized it was probably true.

"That's fine, Carlos will no doubt be around, too."

"Is he jealous?"

"No, he's not really the jealous type. It'll be weird for him, though, me having a close friend."

"They'll survive." Standing because suddenly he needed to be near Joseph, Logan asked, "What does your day look like tomorrow?"

"A full day of fun with groceries. Or at least new ideas about them."

"Need a ride anywhere?"

"No, I'm taking a cab. The company will reimburse me. But thanks."

"If you're here around eight, I'll cook you breakfast."

"I wish," Kendall sighed. "I'll be back at about four, will Joseph be home?"

"He should be, yes. I'll make sure."

"Okay. Thanks again, buddy."

"No, thank _you_for listening."

When Kendall stood to hug him, Logan met the embrace. It felt good to have someone real to lean on. His mother was great, but she was that-his mother. Faith and Tommy were supportive but they couldn't see the situation from the viewpoint of a gay man so in love he feared nothing more than losing the one thing that seemed to matter most.

"Anytime, Logan. I mean it. Once a week."

"Deal."

Joseph's arms opened to him when he slid under the covers, hugging him close while the long, powerful legs Logan loved so much wrapped around his body. "I thought you were sleeping," he smiled, kissing Joseph briefly.

"I dozed. Mostly laid here and recovered. I really rocked your world."

The pride behind the statement had Logan giggling against Joseph's neck. "That you did. I might even be sore in the morning."

"Worth it?"

"Always." Logan loved moments like this, when it was just the two of them speaking softly and wrapped up in each other, Joseph's voice deep and rough but full of affection and contentment. "You didn't sneak out to check on us?"

"Nah. I heard you guys talking but I decided you needed that. I trust you."

"You heard us?"

"Not what you said, just your voices. Should I be worried?"

"No. We talked mostly about you and Carlos, but it was nothing bad."

"Did you tell him..."

"I didn't. I told you, it's not my place."

"Okay. Thanks."

"Anything for the love of...hold on."

"What?"

Shifting around, Logan reached for something that had become a lump under his pillow and was bending his head at an awkward angle. His hand found something soft and furry. "What the hell is this?"

"Oh. That."

Flipping on the light, Logan held up what turned out to be a small stuffed bear dressed in doctor gear, complete with surgical mask and a stethoscope. He stared at it, dumbfounded, barely hearing Joseph's weak protests.

"Okay, don't laugh, but it reminded me of you and sometimes when the memories get close I hold onto it because you're not here and I get scared and when you were out there with him I needed something so I-"

"Joseph."

Sighing in resignation, Joseph said, "Okay, fine. You can laugh."

"Joseph."

"I know, okay?"

"This...oh my God."

"Give it to me, I'll put it-"

"Just shut up and kiss me. Right now."

"What? Now?"

The bear went flying and Joseph was shoved onto his back, staring up with wide eyes at Logan. "The bear turns you on?"

"_You_turn me on. Someday I'll tell you a story about this bear but right now, just let me show you how much I love you."

Joseph met the oncoming kiss with a grin, pleased to know Logan too had odd things that pushed his buttons.

* * *

It was two hours later that Logan was shaken awake violently before being raised from the pillow and held so tight he felt like his bones would crack. Joseph was trembling from head to toe, face buried in Logan's neck as tears soaked into Logan's skin.

He groped for the lamp but then gave up, deciding his hands were needed more to soothe and that light wouldn't help Joseph any; darkness might even be preferable. Hands running up and down Joseph's back, Logan kissed his hair and rocked him as well as he was able to from the awkward position. He didn't make shushing noises but let Joseph cry it out, remembering that Dr. Coates had once said there would be many feelings coming to the surface that needed to be dealt with as the memories returned.

As he reached for the box of tissues on his nightstand, Logan wondered if this was it. He'd expected a much more dramatic reaction than this when the final pieces fell into place, but maybe Joseph had come further than he'd realized. Joseph gratefully accepted the tissue and put it to use, wiping his eyes and nose once he had managed to stop the flow of tears.

Logan kissed his forehead in silent encouragement, and finally Joseph whispered, "Casper."

_Casper?_That made no sense, was he talking about the ghost? "Casper?" Logan repeated.

"Wyoming. I think it was Casper before San Fran."

"Oh. The city. Okay." Wyoming. "Wyoming? Really?"

Joseph nodded miserably, head on Logan's bare shoulder. "I don't remember everything. It was just like San Fran. I woke up there and didn't know who I was."

"Shit." With a deep sigh, Logan wondered how many more cities and nameless versions of Joseph they would uncover. "For how long?"

"About a year. I only lasted a year there before...I guess I remembered. It goes blank again and then there's San Fran."

"So we're working our way backwards. Anything in Casper that has a bearing on your life now? Anyone special?"

"No. There was a guy, but..." After heaving a deep sigh, Joseph said, "I didn't love him. He wanted me to. I wouldn't give up the job for him."

"You were hooking there, too." It was a statement rather than a question.

"Yeah. I knew how to do it when I got there, so...yeah." His voice was that of a dead man, hopeless and resigned.

"Did you go to a hospital that time or hide it again?"

Joseph shook his head slightly. "No hospital but there was Denise."

"Denise?" Logan shifted so that he was resting against the headboard, pulling Joseph to sit between his legs.

"She was this retired nurse who took care of me. I um. I almost died."

Logan's mouth dropped. Maybe they _were_getting closer. "How?"

"When I woke up I was in her house. She said..." There was a deep shudder before he continued. "She said she'd found me in an alley after I slit my wrists." Voice breaking, Joseph whispered, "Both of them."

It took almost a full minute for Logan to speak again, the horror and relief he was feeling contradicting each other. "How is that even possible?"

"It's easy. You just..." Joseph lifted his hands and ran each one down the opposite wrist in one swift move. Logan felt dizzy for a moment. "I had decided to die. That's all I know."

Struggling to form coherent thoughts from the jumbled mess of his brain, Logan asked, "Why didn't she take you to the hospital? Or did she?"

"No. She said she was a nurse, and she knew what to do. Called me her angel sent from God."

Thoroughly creeped out now, Logan was the one who shivered. "Excuse me?"

"Her son killed himself a month before she found me. She thought it was God's way of giving her back her son. Especially since I had no memory, she figured he was sent back from Heaven in my body."

"Jesus Christ, Joseph." Now the shivering was a mass of shudders, Logan calming them by holding Joseph tighter to him. "Was she mentally unstable?"

"A little, I guess. But she was harmless. She took really good care of me, healed the wounds and fed me and basically acted like a mom. She was sweet. I knew I wasn't her son, of course, and eventually we got past that. She knew better after a month or so."

"So what happened? Why did you leave?"

"I started to feel guilty living off her. I wanted to contribute somehow and one day I was walking downtown and a guy propositioned me. I went with my gut, took him up on it, and made two hundred bucks. But I couldn't tell Denise that, and I hated lying to her, so eventually I shacked up with this guy who worked at one of the bars I did my business at."

Not surprised at all this time, Logan only nodded. "And he wanted more?"

"He fell in love with me."

"Can't blame him for that," Logan joked, hoping to bring some life back into the emotionless husk in his arms. It almost worked, a fleeting smile touching Joseph's lips. "And you started to remember?"

"I must have."

"Were you sketching there, too?"

"I don't...think so? The last thing I remember is walking home from the bar one night and-wow. Just like with Allen."

Sitting up straighter, Logan asked, "Did you drive there? Drink or do any of that?"

"Nope. Just like in San Fran. I walked everywhere or took the bus. No bike that I remember."

"And you just picked up and left one day? Or...you don't remember, do you?"

"No. We'd been fighting a lot, me and Jim, and I was thinking I should move out. I had enough money saved by then. I told him that he knew what I was when I moved in there and I wasn't going to change just for him."

"Wow." Logan wasn't sure how to feel about that.

"Had he been you, there would have been no hesitation." Joseph finally smiled in the dark, kissing Logan's lips softly. "I'd do anything for you."

"I love you." It needed to be said, perhaps more now than ever before. "Remember that. Always."

The smile widened. "Some things you can't forget," Joseph whispered.

"I hope that's true."

"Of course it is."

They kissed for a bit, reassuring each other that nothing had changed, that their love was still a living entity that would hold them together. It was after they'd slid back under the covers and into each others' arms that Logan asked, "What J name did you have there?"

"Jason."

"Jason? You chose that?"

Joseph nodded.

"Is that a Bible name?"

"Yeah, it is. Not a big character, I don't think, but...yeah. I found it in one of Denise's bibles. And even if it wasn't, my last name certainly was."

Logan ran through it in his head, but Daniel and David were the only D names he could think of from the Bible. "What name was that?"

"Luke."


	19. Chapter 19

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the characters taken from Big Time Rush and placed into this story. I make no money off this.

**Author's Notes:**

I believe this is what's known as "the calm before the storm." Enjoy the fluff. :) And yes, because I know some of you will think it, there are some things you can always count on in a Jagan story by Clarry.

Huge thank you to **Aranelle** and **jdmazz** for quick turnarounds with the beta stuff. I know they have lives and fic of their own but they're wonderful about taking time to read this over for me and give me feedback/advice. I love them so much. Ha, it's also funny that my two betas are Kames girls.

Also THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YOU. YES, YOU. I LOVE YOU.

About a year ago I wrote a story for **kathrynew30**, it was a gift for our one-year friendiversary. The James Diamond in this story is taken directly from that one, though he suffered no amnesia in it. So for that reason, I dedicate this to Kathryn.

I also must dedicate it to **joyousbrokenthing**, who is entirely to blame for this being written at all. She tweeted me one night about a vision of Logan as a scientist building a robot James. This story is of course not that at all, but it got me thinking about a situation where Logan basically helps put James back together and within fifteen minutes I had this story pretty much written in my head. I wasn't planning to write a Jagan next, but it wouldn't leave me alone so here we are. Thanks a lot, Tammy.

* * *

The following day being one of Joseph's days off, Logan requested an emergency breakfast date with Faith. She seemed a bit irritated at the short notice until Logan mentioned that Joseph had remembered another year of his life, and then there was no more argument.

As it was they could only squeeze in a half hour, so they met in the hospital cafeteria and Logan paid for them both as an apology for putting her through the hassle. She took a huge swallow of the coffee, Logan watching in awe, and said, "Okay, spill. Did he remember everything or just that year?"

"How did that not burn your mouth?" Logan wanted to know first.

"I'm smart. I fill half the cup with ice first. Trick my dad taught me. So tell me, is _he_a daddy?"

"Still don't know," Logan sighed. "He lived in Wyoming as a hooker. Of course."

Nodding, Faith's comment was, "So someone taught him that. Or he was forced to teach himself, survive somehow."

"Maybe, but what I found most important is that he tried to kill himself just before that. He would've succeeded if not for a retired nurse finding him bleeding to death. God, I can't even talk about that without feeling sick. I came so close to losing him before I even met him."

"No getting sick, eat your pancakes. So it was...three years ago that he tried it? That sounds about right, the scars are well-healed. But the fact that he hasn't tried it again says something, too. The last time he remembered all he did was run."

"We_ think_. And he did contemplate it, I know he did. He told me he wanted to die, was looking at the bridge and wanted to die."

"But he didn't do it," Faith argued. "He ran instead, escaped. Maybe if he remembers this time he won't run. Maybe you're enough to keep him stable. His fear of losing you doesn't have to be a bad thing."

"I never thought it was," Logan smiled. "He didn't have a last name with a "D" either. I think that might be significant."

"He did the last time, right?"

"Yeah, he was Jacob Daniel. Now he's Joseph David. In Wyoming he chose Jason Luke, again from a Bible."

"And why is it significant he strayed from the J.D. thing?"

"Because it's different. It made me wonder if maybe once he remembered that time, his brain held on to the initials like an anchor. What if his real name has those initials?"

Faith swallowed a bite of eggs before nodding. "That's possible. But what good does that really do you at this point? No idea where he's from so it isn't like you can do a search."

"I know," Logan replied, picking at his toast absently. "I just like to think we're getting somewhere."

"Stop that, you're making a mess of crumbs. Eat it, don't play with it."

Laughing because Faith sounded like him scolding Joseph to eat his food, Logan bit into the triangle. "I still feel like we're getting somewhere."

"Any idea what triggered it this time?"

"My friend from Minnesota is visiting. He talked about his boyfriend's nephew, and the nephew is named Luke. Joseph also had a flashback to his childhood, remembered a friend. Sort of."

"Wow, that's good. His brain is going further back."

"I've noticed that when he remembers moments in time, they're happy memories. Other than the bridge, of course. But the first one he was in a bar eating ice cream. He was happy about the ice cream," Logan grinned. "He's such a sugar junkie."

"And you indulge him with all your cookies."

Logan didn't argue, thinking of Joseph as he cut into his pancakes.

"You guys taking a trip to Wyoming now?"

Shrugging, Logan replied, "I don't think it would do any good. He remembers everything that happened there, so we wouldn't be looking for answers. I didn't get the feeling he was happy there like he was in San Francisco. He didn't seem to be close to anyone."

"So I was talking to Stacy yesterday," Faith said suddenly, Logan surprised at the abrupt change of subject but letting it stand.

"How is she? I haven't even asked, I've been so wrapped up in my own drama. Is she suffering?"

"No, she's in remission again. I have never seen a patient go up and down so much in such a short time. Granted, I've only been practicing for a few years, but still. She's like a miracle child."

"That's incredible, Faith. Is she still admitted? I'd love to go see her."

"She was in overnight while we ran a bunch of tests, but she's home now. She made a new friend while she was here. Some really cute guy she met at the gift shop who was so nice and gave her a cool picture of the beach for free."

"Oh my god," Logan whispered. "Seriously?"

"Yep." Faith chuckled, eyes twinkling. "She wanted to know how old you have to be to work there."

"Oh my god," Logan repeated, laughing now. "Joseph. What am I gonna do with him?"

"Hold on to him tight, because even the ten-year-olds want him," Faith joked.

"Wow, Joseph met Stacy. That's crazy. He never mentioned it to me!"

"Does he even know about her?"

"I talked about her once, right around the time we met. He probably doesn't even remember. So he gave her one of his drawings?"

"Yeah, she was admiring it and said she wished she could afford it. So he gave it to her. _And_told her he'd do a special one just for her and hold it at the store until she came back. I don't know how long they talked but Stacy's mom was apparently concerned until Sandy took her aside and vouched that Joseph isn't a child molester."

"Joseph," Logan sighed, shaking his head. "He has such a big heart, Faith. Is it any wonder I love him so much?"

With a wide grin Faith replied, "Well, he's certainly hot. I can say that, I've seen him naked. You are one lucky man, Logan Mitchell."

"Yes, I am." Grinning himself, Logan remembered the night before and the two times they'd made love (or something like it). "Even with all the uncertainty and fear, I'm so lucky. He's worth every second."

Faith began cleaning up their breakfast mess. "He really does seem to be good for you. Other than the part about you possibly getting your heart broken, I mean. I was scared for you, but seeing you so in love...I'm almost glad you took a chance on him. Almost," she repeated when Logan started to look smug. "I'll change that if he sticks with you for the long haul."

"I don't think he forgets on purpose, Faith. I think his brain just...I don't know..."

"Protects him," she finished. "It's a coping mechanism. He can't handle the pain or guilt or whatever it is he's dealing with. It's either go crazy or forget."

"I don't want him to forget again."

"I know. Hopefully he won't. Hey, have you considered writing a little note and sticking it in his wallet? Something he'll read when he doesn't know who he is or where he's from? I've heard of Alzheimer's patients doing that."

"What, you mean like a note that says 'If lost please return to Logan?" he chuckled. "Like a lost dog?"

"Why not? It'll keep him coming back to you."

Logan bit his lip, considering. "You know, I'd almost do it but in the past he's left everything behind when he disappears. From what I understand, he doesn't take his wallet."

"It can't hurt, Logan. And it might just be the thing that saves you both one day."

He supposed Faith was right, it couldn't hurt, and they _had_made a point to buy Joseph a wallet a while back. As he headed toward the emergency ward a few minutes later, he thought maybe he should consider it. If Joseph was that determined to forget he would probably leave everything behind again, but maybe Logan would be enough to break through it this time.

Just before he put his phone away a text came in. _"You sore from last night? ;)"_

Logan shook his head with a laugh, replying with _"Only a little."_

_"I'll have to work you harder tonight. Miss you."_

Heart both soaring and dropping at the same time because the fear of losing Joseph was so great, Logan sighed. _"I miss you, too. See you for lunch."_

"I'll be waiting. I love you."

The sigh became one of contentment. _"I love you, too. Go draw a picture for Stacy."_

It was a tiny bit longer before the next reply came in. _"Working on something else today. I'll do hers tomorrow. Did I mention I love you and I plan to marry you someday?"_

Logan almost dropped his phone, fumbling for it before catching it in time. He re-read the text five times before it sank in he was being proposed to. _"Now? You're doing this now?"_

"No time like the present."

"Joseph, I have to work now."

"Have a good day, cutie."

It was followed by another of Joseph's little hearts, Logan melting near the nurse's station and having to lean against the counter. He sighed yet again, shaking his head, but after pocketing the phone he pulled it back out to send one more quick text.  
_  
"Someday."_

* * *

Logan was a little concerned about what he might walk in to after leaving Kendall and James alone for a few hours, but when he stepped through the doorway and into the living room it was to hear the two of them laughing in the kitchen. Breathing a sigh of relief, he went straight for the bedroom and changed out of his work clothes. He spied Joseph's wallet on the dresser and made a snap decision, digging out a business card for the hospital and writing a little note on the back.

"_Your name is Joseph David and you are going to marry me. If you ever get lost or can't remember anything, please find me at the address on this card or call the number below. I love you." _After writing his name and phone number at the bottom he slid it into a compartment in the leather and returned the wallet to its place before passing through to the kitchen, where his best friend and his boyfriend (or was it safe to call him a fiancé now?) were huddled over a laptop.

"How about this one?" Kendall asked.

"No way, he'd think it's too much and-" Sensing Logan nearby, Joseph looked up suddenly, eyes widening. "Hey, cutie!"

The laptop closed in a hurry, Kendall slamming it down and smiling in a way that Logan recognized as his sneaky face.

"What are you two up to?"

"So suspicious," Joseph teased, standing from his chair and crossing to Logan in order to kiss him soundly.

Not to be distracted, Logan stepped back after a moment. "No, seriously. I don't trust either of you alone, and putting you together is even more scary."

Rolling his eyes, Kendall said, "We were discussing pizza toppings. Joseph decided you need a day off from cooking so we were trying to decide if we should go extra large or gigantic."

"Kendall wanted gigantic, but I figured you'd probably say it's too much. Not money-wise, but size-wise. Though we'd have breakfast for tomorrow, I suppose." Joseph's brows drew together, considering that.

"Get whatever you guys want." Arm sliding around Joseph's waist and his head taking up residence on Joseph's shoulder, he asked, "How was the convention, Kendall?"

"Boring. I'm glad I only have to do two days of this. At least if Carlos had been there it would've been fun; he makes everything fun."

"You two should hang out," Logan commented to Joseph. "Or maybe not, it might be a little much for the world to handle."

"Kendall said he's a blast at Christmas, goes all out and decorates everything, dresses up like Santa for the kids in the neighborhood."

Nodding, Kendall added, "We can't afford presents or anything, but we buy big bags of candy and he hands them out. Kind of like Halloween. Which is another of his favorite holidays, by the way." Noting the smile on Logan's face, Kendall raised an eyebrow. "Go ahead. Say what you're thinking."

"It's just so obvious how happy you are. That he completes you."

"It's the same with you guys, you know. Anyone looking at you right now would see how insanely in love you are. And Joseph mentioned you pretty much said yes to his proposal of marriage."

Eyes cutting down to the floor and his cheeks reddening, Logan couldn't fight the smile that broke out. "I...yeah. That's accurate." When he glanced up again Joseph was beaming, hazel eyes like glowing embers underneath naturally-sculpted brows. "Should we make it official?"

"I don't have a ring or anything."

"No big deal, we don't need one until we actually get married."

"Well, then." Dropping to one knee on the kitchen floor, Joseph bit his lip before that radiant smile was back. "Will you marry me, Dr. Logan?"

It was a silly moment, not dramatic or sweeping them away in the romantic sense they sometimes shared, but it was intense nonetheless because they understood that they were committing their lives to each other, promising a future that neither could fully depend on just yet. "Someday, handsome stranger," Logan replied softly, joining Joseph on one knee so that they were at the same level. Joseph's finger came up to tilt Logan's chin just enough, and their lips met firmly, tongues dancing lightly as the kiss deepened into the need that would sometimes come over them suddenly, the fire burning out of control until it was quenched.

Vaguely Logan was aware of Kendall's voice saying, "Hey. You at work? Miss you like crazy." Within a few seconds they were alone, Kendall tactfully disappearing with his phone to give them their moment. Logan stood, pulling Joseph with him, and then he was being lifted off his feet and carried to the bedroom.

Dinner could wait a few more minutes.

* * *

The next day fell like any other Friday except that Joseph seemed preoccupied. It worried Logan, as he recalled that the last time Joseph had been hiding something from him it had resulted in the blow-up with Patrick. He didn't believe Joseph had been fooling around with anyone or up to his old tricks, but there was the fear that he'd remembered something he wasn't ready to face yet. Remembering Allen describing the last hours before Joseph's departure from San Francisco, Logan was hesitant to even allow Joseph out of his sight.

Work beckoned, though, for both of them, and he pushed his fears aside to kiss Joseph goodbye before they stepped out of the car. "You'd tell me if you remembered something, right?" he ventured.

Joseph halted in the act of opening the car door, turning his head to stare at Logan incredulously. "Are you seriously accusing me of hiding memories from you again?"

Knowing he'd pushed it, Logan leaned his head back against the seat, eyes closed.

"I don't understand you, Logan. Everything we've been through and everything I say to you, and you still think I'd lie about that? Why don't you trust me?"

"It's not a matter of trust, it's-"

"Yes, it is. You don't trust that I would be open about it, that I want to get through this together. I only asked you to marry me yesterday, it's not like I have plans to be with you forever or anything, right?"

Logan huffed out a breath, turning to face him. "Something's on your mind. You've been preoccupied since last night, and with the way you disappeared from Allen and Brad I can't help but be scared, okay?"

"I'm not like that anymore. I'm not going anywhere. You need to trust me."

"And you need to confide in me. What is it you're not telling me?"

Shaking his head, the anger was a mask covering Joseph's features and a wall coming up in his eyes as he stepped out of the car and slammed the door. "I can't believe you think I would leave you."

"Joseph, I can't help it! My biggest fear is losing you and how can you blame me for that after everything you've been through?"

"How about you try trusting me when I say I love you and that I'll never forget you?"

"How about we talk about the man holding the baby in your sketch?"

It was the worst time to discuss it, they were both running late and tempers were already on edge, but the words were out before Logan could stop them or even think about them. Joseph's momentum stopped, his body going rigid until Logan caught up to him.

Logan waited, terrified now but standing his ground, and when Joseph moved forward again he kept pace. "Are we not talking about it at all?"

"No, because you've already made up your mind that I'm going to abandon you when I figure out what that means. I'm sure you assume it's some kid that I fathered."

"What else am I supposed to think, Joseph? If there's another explanation, tell me."

"I don't know if there's another explanation!" Joseph exploded, halting at the edge of the lot to face Logan. "I can't remember! But I think if I had a child, I would remember that. I think that's a big enough deal that I couldn't forget it."

"Unless you somehow harmed the child," Logan said softly, heart racing like a hummingbird in his chest. "That would be enough to push you over the edge."

"I would know if I killed my own baby," Joseph grit out between clenched teeth. "I'm sure I would know if I ever _had_ a baby. Quit assuming things about me because we don't know anything and even if I did have a kid, I wouldn't just drop you from my life. You mean everything to me, Logan. Haven't I shown you that enough?"

Below the anger there was a pleading tone, Joseph's eyes begging Logan to believe him when he stated his devotion. "I'm just so afraid," Logan whispered.

"I'm afraid, too," Joseph sighed, blinking rapidly in a way that meant he was close to tears. "I don't know what I'm running from but whatever it is, you promised we'd see it through together. I never doubted you, not once you stood by me in San Francisco. I believe it when you say you won't leave me. Please give me the same trust."

Logan wanted to, wanted nothing more than believe every single word Joseph had ever told him, but Joseph was forgetting the fact that he had no control over his memory; it seemed to do what it needed to in order for him to survive. "I'm sorry," he said anyway, placing a hand against Joseph's chest and running it down slowly. "I can't help worrying about it."

"I know," Joseph mumbled, "but...just forget about it for today, okay? Just for today, let's focus on us. I want this to be the best day ever for you."

"For me?"

With a cute little grin that surprised Logan with its suddenness, Joseph nodded. "For you. So let me kiss you one more time and then you can go about your day with a smile on your face and your fiancé to make this night your best ever when you get home. I'm going to show you how much you're loved."

Giving in, Logan leaned into Joseph for a soft but lingering kiss that promised much more when they were alone.

"I love you," Joseph whispered when he pulled back. "Don't ever doubt that."

Nodding, Logan took Joseph's hand as they walked into the building. He was past caring what anyone might have thought.

* * *

They drove home for lunch, taking advantage of the apartment to themselves while Kendall was out. Logan would be sorry to see him leave the following morning and wanted to make a point to spend as much time with him as possible after work; Joseph would have to live with it. He was in one of the best moods Logan had ever seen him in, unable to stop smiling as they ate quickly after enjoying each others' company in the bedroom. For the first time Joseph didn't attempt to keep him there longer, practically shoving him out the door because "the faster you leave the faster you'll come home." The logic didn't quite work out in Logan's head, but he chuckled and kissed Joseph before returning to work, a spring in his step again as he looked forward to an evening with his two favorite people.

Getting back to work with some time to spare, he caught Faith in the cafeteria. He was surprised to see Tommy eating with her, though, because Tommy's shift didn't start for another hour.

"Is this an everyday thing now?" he teased, perching on a chair next to Tommy.

"Of course it is," Faith replied, not embarrassed. "He's learning all kinds of things from me."

When Tommy actually blushed, Logan laughed and patted his back. "Don't be embarrassed. When love strikes, it's impossible to fight. I know better than anyone."

"Be quiet, birthday boy," Tommy answered, nudging him. "I'm sure your man made it a memorable lunch hour, so you have no room to talk."

Stunned into momentary silence, Logan's smile died; he hadn't realized anyone other than his mother knew his birthday, and she would be calling tonight. "How did you guys know?"

"We're smart," Faith answered. "You think you're sneaky but we're on to you."

"You guys didn't tell Joseph, did you?"

"Nah, we didn't say a word," Tommy grinned. "Surely he knows, though."

"I don't know how. He doesn't talk to my mom and if you guys didn't tell him..." Eyes closing, Logan's stomach dropped. "Kendall. Shit."

"Who's Kendall?" Faith asked. "The buddy from out of town?"

"Yes. But he wouldn't know my birthday, we weren't even together when it happened that year. Unless Mom told him, and I guess she could have but...crap." Remembering Joseph's determination to make this the "best day ever," Logan knew he was in trouble. "He knows. And here I thought he was being all secretive because he was hiding a memory from me. I'm a horrible boyfriend."

Faith rolled her eyes. "I'm sure you're already forgiven. Did you get birthday sex just now?"

"I got lunchtime sex. Which is a daily thing, nothing special. Okay, that's not really true, it's amazing every time."

"And you'll probably get after-dinner sex, too," Tommy teased. "Or is that also a daily thing?"

Blushing, Logan glanced at his watch. "I really should go now."

They both laughed, Faith reaching over to pat Logan's hand. "You're so cute when you blush. Sorry we didn't get you anything, but we figured you only needed birthday sex from one person."

"It's fine, you guys, I didn't even want anyone to know. I hate big deals being made over me."

"Oh, I'm sure he's got something wild planned for you." Winking at Tommy, Faith added, "We won't ask for pictures."

"Be quiet, you two. Kendall will be there, we can't get too crazy." Or at least Logan hoped not. But now he understood that Joseph most likely had something planned for him and that Kendall was certainly in on it; their sneaky behavior the night before made sense now, as did Joseph's preoccupation that morning. Groaning, he pulled out his phone and checked for texts. Nothing. Joseph usually sent one before Logan returned to work, and the fact that there was nothing now gave Logan a vision of Joseph waiting until he'd left today before scurrying around the apartment to put up some sort of decorations and drag out presents that he'd paid too much for. "Joseph," he said under his breath. "I don't need all that. I just need you."

"Don't you dare," Faith warned, a finger raised.

"What?"

"If he has something planned for you, you let him do it. Don't ruin the surprise."

"I wasn't going to, relax. He and Kendall probably got me a cake and...oh no. If those two team up to cook dinner, my kitchen will never recover."

Logan's fingers flew over his phone. _"What are you doing right now?"_

It was a few minutes before a reply came back, Logan about to rush back to the emergency department when his phone buzzed. _"Thinking about you."_

_"Nice try. What are you doing?"_

"Exactly what I said. Thinking about you."

Defeated, Logan stood. "Yeah," he said to Faith and Tommy. "He's got something planned. I'm gonna kill Kendall. Or Mom. Maybe both."

"Suck it up," Faith grinned. "They're allowed to pamper you one day out of the year."

"See you guys tomorrow. You're both working?"

"I always do on the weekends," Tommy reminded him. "And she's doing her monthly weekend, so we'll both be here. Happy birthday, buddy."

"Thanks," Logan smiled. "And thanks for not making a big deal out of it."

"What are friends for?" Faith asked sweetly as Logan headed toward the exit.

_"You'll be home around six, right?"_

Sighing deeply, Logan replied to the incoming text. _"Yes, love. I'll see you then."_

"Can't wait! Love you!"

And there was the damn heart again. Unable to be annoyed any longer, Logan put his phone away feeling happy. The kitchen might suffer, but it was worth it to see Joseph so excited. He vowed to let Joseph have his way tonight, and to let him make it the best day ever.

* * *

What Logan did not expect to walk into was a house full of people, and as he gaped at everyone in shock the loud screams of "Surprise!" echoed around him. To be fair it was only five people, but in a place that had until a few months prior never seen anyone other than Logan and his mother (on occasion), five people seemed like a huge crowd.

His mother was there. _ His mother was there_, in addition to Joseph and Kendall, and he spied Faith and Tommy standing beside Joseph as well.

"What the hell is this?" Logan spluttered with eyes bugging out.

"Happy birthday, cutie," was the reply, Joseph's smile so big it was like the sun shining on Logan. He was bursting with emotion, pride and excitement and love spilling from his eyes as he barely managed to keep from jumping up and down. "Told you I'd make this the best day ever!"

It was one of those moments Logan was so overcome he could hardly breathe, chest tight as he fought the feelings that were still somewhat foreign to him with their intensity. "Mom?"

"Hi, honey!" She rushed forward to hug him close in the way only moms know how, making him feel like he was five again and clinging to her. "Surprise!"

"I wondered why you hadn't called me. Was this your idea?"

"It was Joseph's, actually. He called me last week and asked if there was any way I could come out for your birthday."

"But how did you..." Logan met Joseph's eyes over his mother's shoulder, but it was Faith who answered.

"He asked me. Said he knew your birthday was coming up and wanted to know when. It wasn't hard to find out."

Kendall stepped forward then, obviously loving that Logan was dumbfounded. "And I just happened to be coming here for the convention. Your mom mentioned I'd be in town for your birthday, so I told her to have you to get in touch. You asking me to stay made it perfect."

"Come here." Eyes trained on Joseph, Logan broke free from his mother's embrace and approached him, Joseph almost looking scared now. Bearing down on him, Logan captured his lips in a searing kiss that Joseph returned eagerly while they were surrounded by cheers and catcalls. Neither let it intrude.

* * *

Fortunately Logan's mother had prepared the meal, arriving at the apartment as soon as Joseph had called her to say the coast was clear. She prepared his favorite foods, Joseph helping where he could in between hanging the decorations Logan had known he would and spending time bonding with Mrs. Mitchell. Kendall had returned to the apartment in time to help a bit, Faith and Tommy showing up only minutes before Logan.

When there was a free moment after dinner, Logan cornered Tommy on the balcony. "I thought you were working tonight."

"Nope. Had lunch with Faith so we could talk about tonight. You didn't notice I was in street clothes?"

"I did, but I figured it was because you had an hour to kill after her lunch. Did Joseph invite you guys?"

"Yep. Faith found your birth date and called him. He said he was throwing you a party and wanted us here. That man is so crazy about you, dude."

"I know," Logan said with a contented sigh, gaze on the subject of their discussion as he spoke animatedly to Faith and Mrs. Mitchell about who knew what while perched on the arm of the couch. "I'm so lucky."

"You guys figure out anything new? Did he remember anything more?"

"No, but we got into a fight this morning. He was being secretive and I thought it was about that. He was pissed, said I need to trust him. It's hard, though."

"I know, buddy." Tommy rested his elbows on the wall to stare out over the lights of Los Angeles. "Did you ever ask about the kid thing?"

"Sort of. He got upset about that, too, said he'd know if he was a father. When I pointed out reasons he might want to forget, he got even more angry. I don't know if that means anything or not."

"Hard to say," Tommy agreed.

"He did, however, say that even if that proved to be the case, he would still want me. That's something."

"That's a lot."

Nodding, Logan turned when he heard the patio door slide open. Kendall squeezed through it with an apologetic smile. "Am I interrupting anything?"

"Not at all," Logan welcomed him.

"I forgot how loud women tend to be."

Smirking at Kendall, Logan said, "Are you calling my fiancé a woman?"

"What? No! No, I just...okay, wow. You're right. He's a guy but get him around those two and it's like watching a gaggle of women gossip."

Laughing, Logan was not offended. He could see it himself through the pane of glass. "Carlos isn't like that?"

"No, Carlos is more like a kid when he gets excited. Put him in a roomful of kids and you don't know which one's the adult."

"I like him already," Tommy chuckled. "Glad we got to meet you, Kendall. There aren't many people in Logan's immediate world. We weren't even all that close until Joseph showed up in his life."

"Yeah, Joseph turned everything upside down, didn't he?" Logan commented. "My life was so boring before him. I liked it, I was satisfied, but..."

"You didn't know what you were missing," Kendall supplied.

"Exactly. I'd go insane without him now."

Knowing it was a valid fear, Tommy changed the subject. "When are you going to open those presents and do cake? We love you and all, but Faith has to get up early for work tomorrow."

"As do I," Logan nodded, gesturing for them to head back into the apartment while he slid open the door. "Joseph gets to sleep in, the lucky bastard."

"Are you calling me names?" Joseph spun around with a look of disbelief. "After everything I did for you tonight?"

When the door was closed, Logan stepped up behind Joseph, wrapping his arms tight around Joseph's waist. "I'll make it up to you tonight," he murmured against Joseph's neck, sucking lightly.

"Oh my god," Joseph whined, voice a breathless whisper. "I have plans for you tonight. Kendall's just gonna have to suffer."

"I'll warn him." Tugging on Joseph's earlobe with his teeth, he purred, "Loan him your headphones."

"Logan, Jesus. Can't breathe."

"That's okay, everyone's in the kitchen now."

When Joseph let out another whine, Logan spun him around and kissed him hard, Joseph's fingers coming up to tangle in his hair while he opened his legs to wrap around Logan's and pull him closer. What stopped them was a loud chorus of the birthday song, Logan not even blushing when he broke away from Joseph to face everyone who was rejoining them. His mother carried a cake flaming with candles while Kendall videotaped it all as he had Logan's original entrance. Joseph stood behind Logan, holding him close the way Logan loved to be held, and Logan thought that truly there was nowhere else he'd rather be. This right here was perfection, it was family and friends and a love so deep it ran like blood in his veins, as essential to him as breathing.

After blowing out the candles Logan spun to face Joseph. "This right here," he whispered. "This is all I ever need. Just let me have this for the rest of my life."

"I promise," was Joseph's reply. "I won't forget you."


	20. Chapter 20

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the characters taken from Big Time Rush and placed into this story. I make no money off this.

**Author's Notes:**

I noticed in the last chapter that FF keeps changing my italics around, so if there was or is any confusion about what's an inner monologue or a text message, I apologize for that.

Here we go, guys. Twenty chapters in and I'm sorry for dragging it out, but I needed to establish a bunch of stuff. This is the beginning of the end.

Huge thank you to **Aranelle** and **jdmazz** for quick turnarounds with the beta stuff. I know they have lives and fic of their own but they're wonderful about taking time to read this over for me and give me feedback/advice. I love them so much. Ha, it's also funny that my two betas are Kames girls.

Also THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YOU. YES, YOU. I LOVE YOU.

About a year ago I wrote a story for **kathrynew30**, it was a gift for our one-year friendiversary. The James Diamond in this story is taken directly from that one, though he suffered no amnesia in it. So for that reason, I dedicate this to Kathryn.

I also must dedicate it to **joyousbrokenthing**, who is entirely to blame for this being written at all. She tweeted me one night about a vision of Logan as a scientist building a robot James. This story is of course not that at all, but it got me thinking about a situation where Logan basically helps put James back together and within fifteen minutes I had this story pretty much written in my head. I wasn't planning to write a Jagan next, but it wouldn't leave me alone so here we are. Thanks a lot, Tammy.

* * *

Logan was disappointed to hear that his mother couldn't stay a few days, having had to reschedule appointments just to get away for one night. He offered to let her stay at the apartment but with Kendall already there it left only the couch and she'd checked into a hotel earlier anyway, so she politely declined the offer.

They found a little time to catch up while eating cake, Mrs. Mitchell making sure to express her approval of Joseph after meeting him in person and especially after seeing the two of them together. "I have never seen you so happy, Logan, not even after you got that special commendation from the dean of your university."

"That _was_pretty amazing, wasn't it?"

"Having Joseph in your life tops that. It's obvious he shares your feelings, and there's nothing better than loving and being loved in return."

Thinking of his own father and the way he'd looked at his wife often when Logan was a child, Logan hugged her; she knew what she was talking about. "I miss him, too, Mom."

"I know, sweetheart. He would approve."

Presents were opened, Logan receiving a multitude of gifts he didn't need but would enjoy anyway. Joseph, of course, went overboard, and Logan understood that he'd gotten out of the house much more often than he'd let on. It was a good thing, though, as it showed that he was easily integrating back into society rather than hiding at home.

Though Mrs. Mitchell offered to stay and clean up the mess from the party, Logan insisted she take the offer of a lift from Faith and Tommy back to her hotel. As Logan had been keeping up with the mess throughout the evening anyway, there wasn't a lot to deal with and with Kendall's help they took care of it quickly.

They stayed up for a bit afterward, Joseph and Logan cuddling on the couch while enjoying the short time they had left with Kendall, who was awaiting a phone call from Carlos upon arriving home from work.

"Finally," Kendall commented, relief crossing his features as he answered the phone with a smile.

"So you had a good birthday?" Joseph whispered, nuzzling Logan's ear.

"Best day ever," Logan replied, causing Joseph to giggle.

"It's not over yet."

"I didn't figure it was. Just keep in mind I have to work in the morning."

"I wasn't even talking about that, you pervert. I meant I have another present for you."

"What?" Logan sat up straight, frowning at him. "You've done enough, I don't need-"

"No, but I wanted to do it anyway. Be quiet and like it."

"Okay, okay," Logan laughed, hoping it wasn't extravagant.

"Should we head to bed then, cutie?" Joseph purred, fingers trailing across the back of Logan's neck to raise goosebumps.

"Hang on, guys," Kendall called out from the chair, holding up a hand. "I need to show you something. Give me a second."

They watched him finish up his phone conversation with Carlos, occasionally pressing buttons on his phone after putting Carlos on speaker. "Yeah, I just got it, babe. Let me see if...okay, the link works. I'll call you back in a few minutes."

"You better," was the answer. "Hi, Logan!"

"Hey, Carlos," Logan laughed. "You get him back tomorrow."

"Can't wait, I'm dying here! Call me, sexy!"

"I will," Kendall replied. "Five minutes." He disconnected the call, eyes dancing. "I really love that guy."

"We know," Logan chuckled. "What's up?" He glanced briefly at Joseph, whose hand had slid away to settle in his own lap.

"I'm gonna go get your present ready," Joseph stated, starting to stand until Logan pulled him back down.

"No, you're not. You're staying right here with me. What's this video, Carlos being adorable with Luke again?"

"I don't really know what it is, Carlos said it's for you. Probably just him saying happy birthday, he loves to make random videos."

Logan scooted to one end of the couch, gesturing for Kendall to sit between them so they could both see the tiny screen as the video played. Carlos appeared, a bright smile on his face as he waved at the phone.

"Hi, Logan! I wanted to be there for your birthday because Kendall's dying for us to meet, but as you can see..." The camera phone was swung around to pan the store before focusing on Carlos again. "I'm stuck at work. I assume you're taking good care of my man, but not _that_good. Because I hear you have a sexy guy of your own and I have nothing to worry about?"

Chuckling, Logan glanced past Kendall to smile at Joseph, but his eyes were glued to the screen.

"Anyway, I just wanted to say happy birthday and tell you I can't wait to finally meet you and Joseph. He said you're coming for Christmas, I hope that happens. I could use an elf to help me pass out candy. Goodnight, guys!"

When the video ended, Logan shook his head. "Okay, Kendall, he's adorable. Tell him-"

Joseph stood up abruptly. "Give me a minute to get your present ready."

"I will," Logan started, "just-"

But Joseph was already gone from the room.

"Is he okay?"

"I think so." Logan couldn't help being a bit concerned, though; he was always on the lookout for out-of-character behavior from Joseph, as it could mean the onset of another fugue. "I'm going to say goodnight and go check on him. Thanks for everything, Kendall. I wish we'd had more time to catch up."

"Christmas is only a few months away, Logan. Take a week if you can."

"I'll try. I miss Mom, and I want Joseph to see all the old places. It's still weird to me that Mom ended up moving to your neighborhood after I left."

"I know, I couldn't believe it when she walked into my store! I was hoping to get in touch with you again but she told me you were all the way out here."

"You managed to get out here anyway."

Kendall grinned. "Yeah, nice how that worked out."

They hugged before saying goodnight and heading in separate directions, Kendall already pushing buttons on his phone to bring Carlos' voice back.

Unsure what he would walk into, Logan was surprised by the radiant smile that greeted him. "Hey, you okay?"

"Never better," was the reply, Joseph picking Logan up off the floor and swinging him over to sit on the bed.

"What has gotten into you?"

"I'm in love. Is that a bad thing?"

"Of course not, I was just worried after-"

"Okay, here."

A large object wrapped in kraft paper was lifted onto Logan's lap. There was no doubt it was a picture frame, though it was poster-sized. "This isn't one of your drawings, is it?"

"Open it and see."

Joseph stood aside, urging Logan with his body language to hurry up and open it already. When he ripped the paper away he stared down at the framed poster in awe, barely aware of Joseph kneeling on the carpet nearby and watching him.

It was his own face looking back at him, and yet there was so much more to it that he'd never taken the time to notice. Joseph had caught his likeness with painstaking detail, his eyes full of humor but a measure of kindness as well, his lips looking as if they wanted to be tugged up into a smile. Overall there was a sense of fascination on his face, as if he was looking at something the likes of which he'd never seen or even imagined was possible. He wore his work uniform, a stethoscope hanging around his neck and trailing down over the white lab coat to disappear where the drawing ended just below his shoulders.

"That's what I saw the very first time you laid eyes on me. That's what I fell in love with in those first few minutes. I had never seen anything so beautiful in my life."

"You can't know that," Logan whispered.

"But I do. Some things I just know."

Logan searched for words, once again overcome with emotions that had been foreign to him a mere two months ago.

"Is it...I mean...do you like it?"

While he had to admit it was strange to stare at himself, Logan nodded. "It's amazing. How did you do this? It's huge."

"I bought an easel and the giant sketchpad last week. Hid it in the closet on the balcony. I've been working on it while you were gone."

"How did you even get all that home?"

Shrugging, Joseph replied, "It wasn't easy, but I managed on the bus. This is the face that haunted me from the first night, Logan, when I laid in that hospital bed so scared and alone and it was like an answer to my prayers when Tommy came in and said you wanted him to check on me. It was like you couldn't stop thinking about me, either."

"I couldn't. I sat on my laptop and learned everything I could about your condition. And then I laid in bed thinking about you."

"You loved me then."

"I don't know that it was love, Joseph. But there was something."

Lifting the heavy frame and setting it gently aside, Joseph crawled on his knees until he was between Logan's legs. "It was love," he said firmly, sliding his arms around Logan's waist and leaning forward until their lips met. "I love you."

"I love you, too," Logan breathed, his mouth now hungry on Joseph's.

"Happy birthday," was the last thing Joseph managed before Logan made it impossible to speak.

* * *

Joseph fulfilled his promise of making it the best night ever, Logan falling into an exhausted but peaceful sleep a few hours later while wrapped up securely in strong, muscular arms that never failed to bring him a sense of safety. Unfortunately it didn't last long.

The first time Joseph had a nightmare, Logan almost slept through it; he was awakened only by the sound of Joseph crying out in his sleep and turned over to wake him. Joseph remembered nothing of it but was shaken, finally pulling Logan close again before his eyes closed and he settled down.

The second time Logan awoke immediately, having not fallen into a deep sleep this time because he was worried about Joseph. Once again Joseph claimed to remember nothing but there were tears in his eyes, a fear so great Logan would do anything to soothe it. He calmed Joseph with kisses, getting him to relax in a way he knew Joseph couldn't resist, and within twenty minutes they were sated and at peace again, Joseph slipping into dreams that Logan hoped were reassuring.

It went well until morning, when Joseph once again thrashed amid the sheets, Logan coming awake suddenly to hold him close and shush him with kisses. _This is it. We're so close, I can feel it, please God don't let him forget me please don't let him leave me. _

"I'm sorry," Joseph whispered, a mass of shaking nerves in Logan's arms.

"Don't be. This is what we need. It's getting closer, isn't it?"

"I guess. I don't remember the dreams, though, and I don't remember anything else. I just...I wake up and I feel like screaming, like I need to run."

His arms locked tighter around Joseph. "You're not going anywhere. You promised."

"I know, I'm not. It's so strong, though."

"Do you want me to stay home from work today?"

"No. Absolutely not. You need your job, it's the thing you love most."

"Not anymore." Logan pressed a kiss to Joseph's forehead, letting his lips linger there.

"Your mom told me that when you were a little kid, you used to play doctor with the army figures. You wanted to be a medic while everyone else wanted to be the ones fighting the wars."

"Yeah, that's true," Logan chuckled, relieved to see Joseph's lips curve up. "I live to save lives."

"Save mine," Joseph whispered suddenly, clinging as he buried his face in Logan's neck. "Don't let me run again."

"I won't." Now it was Logan who was close to tears, in agony because Joseph was. "If you need me to stay home—"

"I'm fine. And if anything happens I'll call you, okay? I promise. I'll call the hospital, tell them it's an emergency and I need you."

"Okay. I love you."

"I know." Joseph breathed in deeply before letting it out, laying down and pulling Logan with him. "Sleep with me for a little longer."

Logan peeked at his phone to see that it would be another hour before his alarm went off. He relaxed against Joseph, closing his eyes.

"I love you, too, Logan."

It had to be enough.

* * *

Joseph barely woke long enough to kiss Logan goodbye, worn out from a night of amazing sex and disturbing nightmares. It actually helped calm Logan's fears because he knew Joseph would spend most of the morning sleeping in. He and Kendall said their goodbyes before they parted ways, and though Logan was on edge, work went well. He kept checking his phone for texts from Joseph but by eleven there was still nothing.

_He's asleep. You know he's asleep, don't panic._

When there was still nothing by 11:30, Logan panicked. He took a break, something he rarely did, and escaped to the lounge to put a call through to Joseph. It rang and rang, going to voicemail, and Logan started to hyperventilate.

_Calm down. He's asleep. That's all._

He called again, this time Joseph's voice filling his ear just before voicemail would've picked up. "Hey."

It was short and abrupt, not the usual warm greeting. "Hey. You okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

_Because you're pulling away from me. I can hear it in your voice don't do this don't do this don't-_

"Oh, that's right. Because I'm going to disappear and forget about you. I'm sick of you not having any faith in me, Logan."

"Joseph, I didn't even say anything."

"You didn't have to. Found your little note in my wallet today."

_Shit._ "I figured it couldn't hurt, okay? We don't know what's going to happen and-"

"Oh, but you do. You've already decided."

"It's because I'm so desperate to hold on to you! I'm having a panic attack over here just at the thought of you disappearing. I'm scared, I'm sorry but I'm scared because it's getting close and I don't want to end up like Allen or that guy...whatever his name was."

"Jim. And I told you he meant nothing to me."

"But Allen did. So did Brad. You forgot them."

"You're not them! How many times do I have to say it?"

Running a hand through his hair and tugging in frustration, Logan yelled, "I have so much more to lose than they did! Joseph, please, try to understand what I'm feeling, try to-"

"You have no idea what I'm going through. Not even a tiny bit. Maybe _you_ should try to understand what_ I'm_ feeling for a change."

Stunned, all Logan could do was collapse into a chair at one of the tables littering the room. "Don't do this," he whispered, pleading. "Joseph, please don't do this."

"I'm not doing anything. I'm just sitting here bored off my ass because I have no life and no identity and a boyfriend who doesn't trust a fucking thing I say."

"That's it. I'm coming home." Logan stood up, determined now because this wasn't the man he fell in love with.

"Don't do me any favors."

Another slap to the face. "Did you remember something?" he asked while rushing down the hall toward his supervisor's office.

"Here we go again. Yes, Logan, I remembered everything and then hid it from you because that's what I'd do if I remembered. I'd keep it all to myself even though we promised to do it together. Because I'm a lying sack of shit that you can't trust."

"You're not getting rid of me, no matter how big of an asshole you turn into. Knock it off." Turning into the office, Logan said, "Hold on, I'm going to talk to my supervisor for a second. Don't go anywhere."

He had a quick conversation that his boss wasn't pleased with but could see enough of Logan's terror to understand it was an emergency, and when he returned to his phone it was dead. The call had been disconnected.

"Fuck fuck fuck fuck," he muttered. He dialed Joseph again, unsurprised when it went to voicemail. "I know you can hear me. Answer the phone when I call back. I love you, Joseph. Remember that."

He tried texting as well, getting no response by the time he'd slid behind the wheel. At a loss, he considered calling Dr. Coates but what could she really do? She'd give him the same advice she already had, which was to be at his side and be there for him. He sent Faith a quick text instead.

"_I think it's happening. He's acting like a jerk and pushing me away. On my way home now, scared out of my mind. Tell me it's going to be okay."_

It was against the law for Logan to be on his phone while driving, but when it came to Joseph rules didn't seem to apply. He kept the phone on his lap while he drove anyway, glancing at it often and repeatedly calling Joseph. Of course there was no answer.

What _did_ come through, though, was a text from Kendall. "Dude, check this out. It's almost creepy." He'd sent a link to a Facebook, Logan rolling his eyes. _Now, Kendall?_

Clearing the screen, Logan tried Joseph again. And again. And again. He was ten minutes from home when his phone finally rang, and he almost broke down in tears because it was Joseph. Stopped at a red light, he answered it in relief. "Are you okay?"

"I love you."

"I know. Talk to me, I'm on my way home."

"Just remember that. I love you."

His voice was scared and lost, like a little boy's, and Logan couldn't control the tears anymore. "Joseph, hold on. I'm almost there. Don't leave me."

There was no answer because the call was dead. "No!" Logan cried out. "NO! FUCK!"

He threw the phone down on his lap and floored it the rest of the way home when he was able to, his only thought to get to Joseph before it was too late.

* * *

He knew the apartment was empty without even having to check the rooms. Joseph's aura was missing and it was a hollow shell, reminding Logan of his life before Joseph came into it and the years stretching out ahead of him without the soulmate he'd grown to depend on so desperately.

Forcing himself to stay calm enough and think, he checked the kitchen and living room for clues; neither held any. The bedroom was his next stop, and there he fell to his knees because what he'd feared most greeted him.

On the bed sat Joseph's wallet and phone, as well as the keys to the apartment. Logan's eyes searched out the closet, which was open and showed all of Joseph's clothes hanging. He was sure if he checked the dresser he would find everything still in it. Most likely Joseph was out running somewhere, or had hopped a bus, or even taken a cab—anything to get him far away fast.

_Where do I even look? He doesn't leave any clues, he just takes off and disappears, but if he's still in town there's a chance, he couldn't have gotten far in just a few minutes._

Picking up the phone, Logan put a call through to Detective Monroe, explaining the situation in hopes they could send someone out looking for him but Monroe's answer was that Joseph wouldn't be considered a missing person for twenty-four hours and unless he was wanted for a crime, they couldn't justify sending out an all points bulletin.

"But this is his pattern! In twenty-four hours it'll be too late, he'll be gone and I'll never find him!"

"I'm sorry, Logan, that's how it works. He's an adult and if he wants to go somewhere, we have no say. There's nothing I can do until tomorrow."

"Fuck!" Logan hung up, ready to throw this phone too but then he thought better of it and went through the call history for a clue. He found nothing more than the calls between the two of them and a few to Faith and his mother that were most likely to plan the birthday party. "Fucking asshole, why are you so good at this? Don't do this, don't leave me, you swore you wouldn't leave me, you swore!"

He cleared the screen again and stared at the picture Joseph had set as his background, one he'd taken of the two of them on their beach date. They were smiling and happy and so perfect together that Logan's heart broke, a sob ripping from him as he knelt beside the bed.

_I have to go, I have to find him, I have to-_

A text came in just then, Logan blinking in surprise as he wiped away tears. It was from Kendall, of call people.

"_Dude really. Am I crazy or does that James Diamond guy look just like you? Do you have any brothers?"_

Breath stopping, Logan's mouth fell open. _James Diamond. J.D. _ With shaking hands he opened the text messaging screen to see that Kendall had sent the same link to Joseph that he'd sent to Logan, only he'd sent it to Joseph an hour before Logan had gotten hold of him. He clicked on the link that had come with the message _"Check this out, this guy looks just like you"_ and it took him to a Facebook page that belonged to Carlos Garcia. The picture showed two guys standing next to a bar, arms around each others' waists as they mugged for the camera. Logan's eyes zoomed in on the taller one. He was younger, and he was somehow more innocent, but he was most definitely Joseph David.

_James Diamond. _

_Jamestown. The Diamond Mine. St. James Hospital._

The caption below the picture was "Luke and James. BFF's haha."

There was no doubt in Logan's mind that it was Joseph, but if there had been the location would've sealed it. They were standing in the bar Joseph had sketched over a month ago, where he'd eaten the strawberry ice cream that was so good he hoped there would be more after.

After what didn't matter. Nothing did, really, except that Joseph was gone because he could no longer hide from James Diamond.


	21. Chapter 21

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the characters taken from Big Time Rush and placed into this story. I make no money off this.

**Author's Notes:**

Because there isn't anything I can really say without giving stuff away, I won't be replying to reviews from chapter 20. I'm sorry, I love reading all the reviews and I make a point to answer them normally, but in this situation there just isn't a whole lot to say except I'M SORRY FOR THE CLIFFHANGER. Except I'm really not, because that adds to the excitement of the story.

This is not the last chapter, of course. There's still a lot to say.

Huge thank you to **Aranelle** and **jdmazz** for quick turnarounds with the beta stuff. I know they have lives and fic of their own but they're wonderful about taking time to read this over for me and give me feedback/advice. I love them so much. Ha, it's also funny that my two betas are Kames girls.

Also THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YOU. YES, YOU. I LOVE YOU.

About a year ago I wrote a story for **kathrynew30**, it was a gift for our one-year friendiversary. The James Diamond in this story is taken directly from that one, though he suffered no amnesia in it. So for that reason, I dedicate this to Kathryn.

I also must dedicate it to **joyousbrokenthing**, who is entirely to blame for this being written at all. She tweeted me one night about a vision of Logan as a scientist building a robot James. This story is of course not that at all, but it got me thinking about a situation where Logan basically helps put James back together and within fifteen minutes I had this story pretty much written in my head. I wasn't planning to write a Jagan next, but it wouldn't leave me alone so here we are. Thanks a lot, Tammy.

* * *

He heard the skateboards approaching from behind and moved to the side of the path, waiting until they'd passed to continue walking. The park wasn't too crowded at this time of day, though he couldn't really say what time it was as he wore no watch and carried no phone.

He'd checked his pockets a few minutes earlier and come up empty. He felt strange, almost as if lost, and the clothing he was wearing gave no clues—a pair of jeans, a ribbed tank top, and sturdy running shoes. He vaguely remembered tying the shoes, and there was a flash of a patio in his mind, but it was fading fast. The only clue seemed to be the thing in his hand as he walked through the park, and he lifted it to study it again but it made no sense.

It was a stuffed animal. A bear. It was light brown and wearing medical garb and the longer he stared at it, the more centered he became. Feeling a bit shaky, he sat down on an empty bench and held the bear in his hands, turning it over as he searched for something, _anything_, that might help him understand why he was in this place and more importantly, where he belonged.

The surroundings were unfamiliar. None of the passing faces rang a bell. The only thing that tugged at him at all was the object in his hands, which brought about a sudden, deep longing that had him closing his eyes because the ache in his chest was so intense. "Logan," he whispered. He had no idea who Logan was, only that he needed him.

And then a face swam into his vision, lighting up the darkness that had settled over his brain. A smile so beautiful it brought one to his own face, eyes warm as they looked back at him. He could feel the soft brown hair under his fingertips, knew exactly what it felt like in his grip, and a jolt of such intense lust hit him that his eyes flew open wide. "Holy fuck. Logan. Where are you?"

Standing up suddenly, breath coming in shallow gasps, he stumbled down the sidewalk like a man searching for water in the desert. He saw nothing of the scenery as he passed, wasn't even aware of those around him. All he knew was he needed to find Logan, that Logan would make everything right.

_But who the hell is Logan? Where is he?_

He didn't know. Panic gripped him when he began to understand that he didn't know who _he_ was, either. It was secondary, though, to the need to find Logan. "Help me," he whispered, lifting the bear up again. "Help me find you."

It was a deep ache, so strong it made him weak again and he was forced to sit on another bench. He held the bear to his face, inhaling the scent and letting out a desperate sound that would've been embarrassing if anyone was around to hear it but luckily-

"Joseph!"

It wasn't until the name had been repeated three times that he understood the little girl was talking to him. He lifted his face, eyes almost scared, to see a blonde girl with her hair in a ponytail smiling at him from across the sidewalk. "Hi! It's Stacy, the girl from the gift shop!"

He searched his mind, wanting so badly to remember because she could probably help him, but it was a blank. "I'm sorry, I'm...not myself right now. You know me?"

"Of course! You gave me your picture! The beach thing, remember? I hung it in my room!"

_I want to. Please brain, work. Do this for me. Picture. Beach. Gift shop._ "I..." He let out a noise of frustration, fingers digging into the bear.

"Are you okay?" Now she looked as scared as he was, glancing around for someone who was probably a parent.

"No, I'm...maybe you can help me. I'm lost and I need to find Logan. Do you know Logan?"

"You mean Dr. Logan? From the hospital?"

_Dr. Logan._ A vision of the same man dressed in a white lab coat came to him, the sound of a laugh so perfect it warmed his heart. "Yes. Dr. Logan. Where is he?"

"Probably at the hospital. Want us to take you there? It's not far."

A woman was approaching with two bottles of water. She seemed suspicious until she got a better look at him, then she smiled. "Joseph, right? How are you?"

"I'm...do you have a phone?" A series of numbers had entered his brain, buzzing around like bees until they settled down, marching in formation. "Please. Just for a second."

"Of course." Concerned, she passed the bottles to Stacy and dug a phone out of her purse, obviously starting to get uncomfortable and holding Stacy closer to her.

"Thank you. I just need Logan." After stowing the bear under his arm, he punched in the numbers that were crowding his mind, praying they would be the bridge to his savior.

"Hello?"

That one word was full of fear, confusion, and hope, but it was the voice he needed most to hear. "Logan."

"Joseph! Where are you? Please don't hang up, tell me where you are, I'll come get you! Please just-"

"Help me."

"I'm coming. Tell me where you are."

"Where am I?" he asked desperately, eyes wild as he looked up at the woman and her daughter.

"He's lost, Mom."

"You're at Reeves Park, sweetie. Is someone coming to get you?"

"Reeves Park," he said into the phone.

"I'll be right there. Don't move. Please, Joseph, don't move. Whose phone are you using?"

"Um...Stacy?"

"Stacy?"

"She knows me. I don't...I can't remember...help me, Logan. The only thing I can remember is you and I need you. Please come, I need you."

"Don't forget me. Stay with me. I'm in my car and I'm coming for you."

The dam broke then, relief pouring through him as tears cascaded down his cheeks and a little girl he had no memory of rushed forward to hug him.

* * *

He was still crying when Logan found him, but he was not alone. Stacy was there on a bench with him while her mother stood over them, and when Stacy spied him she called out, "Dr. Logan!"

His head whipped up, body shooting forward the second his eyes rested on Logan and then he was running, the bear falling from his grasp and forgotten because it was no longer needed. He was running, as he always did, but this time it was toward something rather than away, and as soon as he was in Logan's arms he knew he would be okay.

"I'm here, right here, talk to me."

"Don't let me go."

"I'm not, never, you asked me to marry you, remember?"

Head lifting off Logan's shoulder, he blinked in surprise. "Did you say yes?"

"Of course I did," Logan grinned, fighting back tears. He'd forgotten, just as Logan had feared he would. "Please remember me, James. Fight your way back and remember me."

"You're the only thing I _can_ remember. Just...you. You love me."

"I do. With everything in me, I love you and I'll do whatever I have to in order to help you through this. Please, just...remember."

"James."

"Yes," Logan nodded. "Your name is James."

"They called me Joseph. _You_ called me Joseph."

"It's a long story. But your name is James. Your name is James Diamond and you're from Minnesota. You live here now. With me."

Panic rising in his face while his breathing quickened toward hyperventilation, he whined, "Why can't I remember anything?"

"Because," Logan sighed, heart breaking. "You don't want to. Stop running, James. Stop running and let me help you face this. Tell me what happened to Luke."

His face went completely blank for a second, Logan almost regretting the words as he heard a deep gasp just before James' legs went out. Sinking to his knees, Logan was in place to keep James' head from hitting the ground as he collapsed.

* * *

This time he didn't wake up a few minutes later. This time Logan had him transported to the hospital, where Faith and Tommy had a bed waiting and helped Logan get him hooked up to the machines that would monitor his vitals. Nothing was physically wrong with him, of course, but Logan refused to take a chance.

There were a multitude of fears he dealt with while sitting at James' bedside for the next few hours, the main ones being that James wouldn't wake up anytime soon or that once he did, he would remember nothing—possibly not even Logan. He called his mother to pass on the news that Joseph (or James, which he would have to get used to but at least this time he was pretty sure they'd reached the end of the trail) was in the hospital and they were in limbo. She offered to fly out immediately but Logan dissuaded her, knowing there was really nothing anyone could do to help James except James himself. It was up to him now, up to his brain to decide what it was going to do.

Logan also called Dr. Coates to let her know of the episode, leaving a message with the receptionist that he would be in touch when they knew more.

Tommy brought him coffee and a sandwich at some point, Logan grateful and for once not reduced to tears by his fears. Mostly he was numb as he awaited their fate, unsure how to handle any of this and knowing only that whatever Joseph needed (_James_, his mind screamed, _his name is James_) he would give it without hesitation.

It was hours later when it occurred to Logan that James might have family back in Minnesota and that he had a bridge to them in Kendall, or rather Carlos. He sent Kendall a text asking that Kendall call him when he was able to, and within twenty minutes his old friend was on the phone.

Logan sighed after greeting Kendall. "I'm sorry I never texted you back, things happened. There's a lot going on."

"Did you get my text, though? It kind of freaked me out how much that guy looks like Joseph."

_I'll just bet._ "What do you know about him?"

"James? Carlos knows more, they used to be best friends. He disappeared one night, though, the same night Carlos' brother died. I don't know a whole lot, but I know there was a car crash and Luke died. He was Carlos' brother. James disappeared and Carlos always thought it was related, because James and Luke were super tight."

"I thought you said Carlos was the one James was friends with."

"I guess that changed after James moved in with them. He got closer to Luke. Carlos says he was in love with Luke and that Luke's death would've hit him really hard."

Trying to make sense of it all, Logan asked, "Is Carlos around?"

"He's working right now, he'll be home in about an hour. What's going on, Logan?"

Logan hesitated, not sure at all what James had done or what he was running from and terrified it would be something they'd hate James for, or worse yet something that James would be arrested for. "I'm not sure," he finally answered. "I need to talk to Carlos."

"I do know I was wrong about them being brothers. Carlos told me James doesn't have any brothers and that his parents are dead. But I was thinking about something tonight. You called him 'handsome stranger' when I was there. The night he proposed to you. And you kept saying it's complicated, the problems Joseph is having and the whole coming-to-terms thing. Is it possible that your Joseph and Carlos' James are the same person and he's lying to you about who he is?"

Logan's eyes fell closed, his chest tightening.

"Dude, I'm sorry, I'm not trying to say anything bad about him, I know you love him, but if he's lying to you-"

"He's not lying, Kendall. I know that much."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. He uh...he showed up at the hospital with no memory. He was an amnesia patient."

"Oh. Wow."

"He has no memories of his life prior to three years ago."

"Luke died three years ago. I know that because his son is three."

"His son?" Sitting up straighter, Logan licked his lips. "Who's his son?"

"Luke. Carlos' nephew. Nina named him after his father because his father was dead."

"Oh Jesus," Logan whispered. "There was a baby?"

"She was pregnant when Luke died."

"Were you there for all of this? Kendall, did you meet James?"

"No. By the time I started dating Carlos, they weren't close anymore. James had just moved out with Luke into an apartment and Carlos spoke of James like...well, like someone he didn't want to associate with. I think he was hurt over the fact that James had changed so much."

"What changed him?"

"I'm not sure. I um...I'm sorry, Logan. I think there were drugs involved. Luke was into a lot of bad shit until a few months before he died. I think James was mixed up in it."

Logan was nodding, not at all surprised. "So uh...he was in love with Luke?"

"Carlos made it sound like it."

"But Luke was going to be a father. So he obviously didn't feel the same."

"I don't know, Logan. Really it's all stuff I picked up after the fact. I remember Luke's funeral, though. I went with Carlos. He kept expecting James to show up, he wanted to ask James a bunch of questions because he was so positive James knew something about that night, but James never showed. And..."

When Kendall hesitated, Logan sighed. "Go on."

"If that_ is_ James? Carlos isn't going to be happy with him."

"Right." Logan reached out a hand to take the lifeless one in his, the sound of James' heartbeat steady but not reassuring. "Where did you find that picture? I mean, what made you search?"

"I showed Carlos the video I took from your party last night. He kept saying how much Joseph looked like James and showed me pictures on his Facebook. I found another one of them, back when they were kids. If you want to see it."

"Please," Logan replied. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you, Kendall. It wasn't my place."

"It's cool. I understand it's not something he'd want the whole world to know, that he can't even remember his own past. Are you at work?"

Technically, he was. "Sort of. I'm here but not exactly working. Can you have Carlos call me when he gets home? I think we can answer a lot of each others' questions."

"You think it's him, don't you?"

Swallowing, Logan answered, "Yeah. I think so." That was a lie, he knew it was. It all made sense.

"I'll have him call. Are you guys...okay? He never texted me back and you sound so dead inside. Did he leave you?"

Logan supposed that in a way, he had. He was lying right here in front of Logan but as far out of reach as if he was on the other side of the world. "He's here," was all Logan said. "There's a lot going on."

"Okay. Call me if you need to talk, and I'll have Carlos call you."

"Thanks. Talk to you later."

He slipped his phone into his pocket before leaning forward to rest his head against the bed. Sadness welled up in him and he let it come, the numbness receding to make room for it. "Come back to me," he whispered. "Don't leave me alone."

When his phone buzzed he sat up again, pulling it out to see another link from Kendall. Clicking on it, he gasped when the picture appeared. It was almost like looking at a scene from a movie he'd seen once before, the parking lot familiar and the young boy wearing the same outfit as he posed next to an empty shopping cart, only this time the scene was multicolored. With an arm slung around the boy was a mini version of James, the two laughing as their breaths puffed out white in the freezing air.

"Carlos. The boy was Carlos. James, please wake up and talk to me. Please."

He knew now what had brought on the sudden memories. He'd assumed it was hearing the name "Luke" that had done it, and probably that had contributed but it was Carlos who had done this, who had made it impossible for James to hide anymore. After seeing the picture of Carlos with his nephew, James had run to the car and sketched a memory of this very day. Seeing Carlos' face on that video last night had triggered all of this, what they were dealing with now.

He could hide from Luke because Luke was dead and unable to reach him now. He couldn't hide from Carlos, though, because no matter how far he'd run Carlos had found him—even without meaning to.

The question that remained above all others was whether or not James' mind would keep that door open or it would do what it had been doing so well for three years now. Would it continue to keep him in the dark?

* * *

Faith stopped in after her shift to keep Logan company and be a friend, finally convincing him after ten minutes to take a break and join her for a quick dinner in the cafeteria. Logan was quiet for much of it, his mind turning over the idea of having to start all over again with James. There was no question he would do it, he would spend the rest of his life reminding James of his past if need be, and he was certain James would grow to love him again.

Eventually.

That was the part that hurt so deeply. The man in that hospital bed might open his eyes with a blank stare at Logan and take in his outfit, mistake him for a doctor. Of course he _was_a doctor, but he was so much more. He was everything.

A tear slid slowly down Logan's cheek and he set his fork down, having been only pecking at his food anyway.

"He won't forget you."

"He actually didn't." Lifting a napkin to his eyes, Logan continued. "He said I was the only thing he could remember."

"What else did he say before he passed out?"

"He was so scared. He ran into Stacy, of all people. Went to the same park, forgot everything, and Stacy found him. She told me he didn't know where he was, he acted like he didn't know her and asked about me, asked if she knew where to find me. And somehow he remembered my number and called me."

Faith smiled softly, reaching across the table to squeeze Logan's hand. "He remembered nothing but you?"

"He didn't even know his own name."

"But he knew yours."

Nodding slowly, Logan chuckled through his tears. "He knew mine. He didn't forget me. He didn't seem to remember who I was, didn't even know we were engaged, but he knew enough to call me."

"Did you do what I suggested and write him that little note?"

"I did, but he didn't have it with him. It's still in his wallet, which he left at home."

After a few moments of silence where Logan pushed his food away and sat back in the chair, Faith said, "He's trying, Logan. His brain's fighting him, but this time he's fighting back. He's finally got something worth holding on to. I bet he wakes up and remembers everything."

"I hope so. God, I hope so. Did I tell you I know his name now?"

Disbelief showed on Faith's face. "What? How?"

"Turns out Kendall's boyfriend Carlos used to know him. They were friends in Minnesota. What are the odds?"

"Oh my god, Logan. So what's he running from?"

"I'm not exactly sure, but it does have to do with a car crash and I believe the death of the man he was in love with."

"Oh shit. Logan. Shit. Carlos told you all this?"

"No, I still have to talk to Carlos. Kendall only knows so much. He's going to have to grieve, though, if he hasn't already. Get over this Luke guy. I'm not looking forward to that."

"Better that than him not remembering, right? Once he grieves, he can move on."

"What if...?" But Logan trailed off, not really wanting to voice the thought.

"Don't think that way. You're the one who kept telling me what a good person he is. Do you believe in your heart he could hurt someone? Especially someone he loves?"

"Not as he is now, no. But he was on drugs then, I'm pretty sure. He was a different person, someone Carlos didn't even want to know. I can't lose him again, Faith. I can't."

"Just relax. Don't start worrying about things that might not even be true. He doesn't have a baby, does he?"

"No, I don't think so. I think the baby thing had to do with Luke."

"Don't let your imagination run wild. Focus on one thing at a time. Right now all you need to worry about is getting him to wake up. You can deal with the consequences of it then."

Nodding, Logan stood up. "I've been away too long. I'm going back."

Faith stood as well to hug Logan tight. "Trust him. He loves you, probably more than he's ever loved anyone in his life."

_Trust me._That was what James had been asking, what Logan hadn't seemed able to do. Closing his eyes in Faith's embrace, Logan decided to take that leap. He had to trust that James wouldn't forget him.

* * *

Upon returning to the cubicle James was resting in, Logan stood at the foot of the bed and simply stared. The face was pale, the lips not stretched into any expression at all, and what Logan missed most were the sparkling hazel eyes that were so warm and full of feeling anytime they settled on him.

_Just open your eyes, beautiful. Open those eyes and see me, I don't care if you don't remember me, see me and fall in love all over again._

Determined, Logan reached back to pull the curtain closed. Anyone could walk in and he knew the rules, knew that he himself would chastise a visitor doing what he was about to do, but none of that mattered right now.

He climbed up onto the bed, the sidebars having been lowered earlier, and shoved over the tall, strong body to make room for himself. Settling down uncomfortably on his side, he wrapped an arm around James' waist and rested his head on James' shoulder, pressing his lips to the warm skin.

"I love you," he whispered. Another kiss, this one to the jaw. "I'm never leaving your side." He nibbled gently at James' ear. "I'm going to marry you."

He thought for a second he felt a twitch, imagined James' breath catching, but then there was nothing except steady breathing again.

"I know you can hear me," he purred, sliding his hand down to lightly cup James and stroke with his thumb, and that much he was not imagining; at least one part of James' body was waking up. "Wake up and show me I belong to you. I think that new intern is here, he was staring at me a few minutes ago."

There was a tiny sound from James' lips. Hope soaring, Logan rolled over onto James and spoke against his mouth. "Wake up or you'll never have this again, you'll be stuck in dreams of me while I'm getting over you and moving on."

It was of course a lie, Logan knew that even if he was somehow forced to move on he would never get over the man who now owned his heart, but it was enough. A flutter of eyelids, the parting of lips, and then the long, long lashes parted to reveal a wondrous stare of deep brown flecked with gold and green.

Logan's heart thundered in the space of a few seconds, his entire fate resting on what would come next.

Looking up into Logan's face, he blinked slowly and with a voice that was rough from sleep, he said, "Hey, cutie."


	22. Chapter 22

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the characters taken from Big Time Rush and placed into this story. I make no money off this.

**Author's Notes:**

Well, guys, here you go. The story of James Diamond. There are still questions to be asked, but Logan will take care of that in a later chapter. My betas were heartbroken after reading this, so if you have tissues nearby...if you're anything like me and cry over everything, you might want to grab them.

Speaking of crying, I forgot to mention in the last chapter that the song "Blindfolded" by Kris Allen now makes _me_ cry. Every single time I hear it. Way back in the beginning of this fic, I had most of it planned out already, especially the scene where James is in the park and can only remember Logan. **Josilynnnx3** told me back then that the song reminded her of this story, and when I listened to it I cried and cried because it was SO PERFECT. I swear that song could've been written about this fic. I just had to share that.

This is the part where many of you scream "I knew it!" Because a lot of you got close with your theories about Joseph's past. I hope this doesn't disappoint.

Huge thank you to **Aranelle** and **jdmazz** for quick turnarounds with the beta stuff. I know they have lives and fic of their own but they're wonderful about taking time to read this over for me and give me feedback/advice. I love them so much. Ha, it's also funny that my two betas are Kames girls.

Also THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YOU. YES, YOU. I LOVE YOU.

About a year ago I wrote a story for **kathrynew30**, it was a gift for our one-year friendiversary. The James Diamond in this story is taken directly from that one, though he suffered no amnesia in it. So for that reason, I dedicate this to Kathryn.

I also must dedicate it to **joyousbrokenthing**, who is entirely to blame for this being written at all. She tweeted me one night about a vision of Logan as a scientist building a robot James. This story is of course not that at all, but it got me thinking about a situation where Logan basically helps put James back together and within fifteen minutes I had this story pretty much written in my head. I wasn't planning to write a Jagan next, but it wouldn't leave me alone so here we are. Thanks a lot, Tammy.

**P.S. THIS IS NOT A CLIFFHANGER.** The next chapter will pick up with Logan and James talking about all of this. DON'T HATE ME.

* * *

Logan smiled through the tears, fat droplets raining down onto James' chin as his body shook. A large hand lifted up to cup his cheek while a thumb wiped away the moisture and James whispered, "Don't cry. I'm here. And I'm so sorry."

Logan didn't need an apology, he needed the words James had spoken before them. _ "I'm here."_He needed the love that was shining up at him from that beautiful face, the recognition and devotion in James' eyes bringing forth such immense relief that Logan's head collapsed onto James' chest as he wept. Soft lips pressed against his hair while strong arms slid up to hold him close, and Logan could do nothing but let it all go.

He was vaguely aware of the swish and clatter of the curtain being pulled aside, and then Tommy's voice boomed out. "Hey, you're awake!"

"Hi, Tommy," James said, voice a dry rumble.

"And you know my name!" Tommy beamed. "That's wonderful! The important question is, do you know _your_name?"

Logan's head whipped up fast, eyes swimming as he peered down. "Do you?"

After licking his lips, he swallowed and took a deep breath. "My name is James Diamond, I'm from Minnesota, and we have a lot to talk about."

Logan nodded, relief flooding him again even while fear climbed up into his chest. "Whatever it is, I'm not giving you up."

Gaze flattening to a dull stare, James replied, "We'll see how you feel when this is over."

* * *

As he was in perfect health other than complaining of starving, it was easy to sign James out and get him to the car. The hard part was getting him to actually sit in it.

"It's okay," Logan soothed, rushing from the driver's side back over to James. "We've done it a million times. You feel safe with me, right?"

"Yeah, it's just...I remember now. Everything. I can see it all and..." He started to tremble and Logan held him, promising they didn't have to talk about anything until they arrived at the apartment. He didn't know what would happen then, didn't know anything past the next few hours, but he needed to get James home, to _their_home, their place of safety.

"Come on. Let me get you home. We'll figure everything out then, okay?"

Nodding slowly, James gave Logan a brief smile once he was seated.

"What?" Logan asked.

"It's nice to have a home. A _real_home. I didn't for a long time."

"What about San Francisco?"

"Doesn't count. I was lost there. Never any peace."

"I can imagine. And now there's peace?"

"Some. As scared as I am, and as much as I don't want to deal with any of this, there's peace. I know who I am and where I belong."

A chill going up Logan's spine, he replied, "Wherever you belong, I'm going there with you."

The sad smile that answered Logan matched the hopelessness in James' eyes. "We'll see."

* * *

There was still half a box of pizza left from their gigantic order Thursday night. It seemed like years ago that Kendall had been in their midst but really it wasn't even twenty-four hours since he'd left.

Logan plied a protesting James with pizza, reminding him he'd been starving, but James said he wasn't up to eating.

"You need to," Logan commanded. "Doctor's orders."

That brought the first real smile to James' lips, though it was tinged with a hint of sadness. "Only doctor I've ever known who forced a patient to eat pizza."

"I'm your fiancé, I'm allowed." He waited for the reaction with a pounding heart, needing to hear that it hadn't changed.

"Logan...don't...I can't..."

Fear emboldened him to blurt out, "You're marrying me whether you like it or not. You made a promise."

"God, you think it's _me_I'm worried about? The hope of you being there at the end of all this mess is the only thing keeping me going right now."

And _that_was exactly what Logan needed to hear. The relief left him weak as he leaned against the kitchen counter. "I'm not going anywhere," he said softly.

"I can't promise the same thing. What I can say is that if it's within my power, I'll be at your side."

Carlos had been right. James had been involved in the accident, possibly even in a way that caused it. Could fate really be so cruel as to finally give them what they wanted, the chance to truly be together with no secrets between them, only to snatch it away?

"Eat," Logan coaxed gently. He took the heated plate from the microwave and set it before James at the table. "When you're ready to talk, I'll be waiting."

James nodded, gratefully taking the bottle of water Logan passed to him next, and then Logan gave him the space he needed.

* * *

Logan hadn't looked at his phone for hours. Remembering it suddenly, he pulled it out of his pocket to find it almost dead and walked to the bedroom for the charger. The wallet still laid innocently on the comforter, which of course had never been fixed into place once James got out of bed; Logan didn't think the bed had been made once since James had moved in other than on laundry days when Logan would wash the bedding and replace it with a new set. He would gladly suffer a lifetime of unmade beds to keep James next to him.

Plugging in his phone, he noted two missed calls from his mother, two more from Kendall, and one from the same area code that he assumed was Carlos. He sent a text to both Kendall and his mother that simply stated, "We're home from the hospital. I'll be in touch."

He knew both would have questions but was not at all prepared to answer them. The one he feared most was Carlos, who had every right to answers. Still, Logan was scared. He had the sudden urge to throw all of their belongings into suitcases and run, to take James somewhere far away where no one knew him. They could do it together this time, both of them adopt fake names and start a new life where they were free to love each other with no restrictions, no responsibility, no past to make amends for.

Sanity grabbed hold, though, Logan knowing that wasn't an option. It was time for James to stop running. He had come this far because he'd finally let someone in, finally found someone worth staying for.

A head of dark hair poked into the room, Logan seeing the movement and asking the question silently. James nodded, and after rising from the bed to take the hand stretched out to him, Logan went forward with James to face his future.

* * *

As much as they loved their bed, the couch was the place they'd shared their most intimate moments before Logan had given in to his own needs and stopped fighting James' advances, so it was to the couch they made their way now for what would be the most important discussion they'd ever had. They sat sideways on it, facing each other with legs crossed. James' hands rested in both of Logan's.

"I don't even know where to begin," James said softly, licking his lips nervously. He seemed a thousand times heavier, as if the weight of the world now rested on his shoulders. "But there are two things I want you to know before I start."

Logan nodded in encouragement.

"I may not even have to say this, but I love you. With all of my heart, all of my soul, everything in me. I've always said there's never been anyone like you and I was right. I love you, Logan Mitchell. You are the sun shining in my sky."

It was cheesy, but it was romantic enough to bring a teary smile to Logan's face. "I love you, too. Go on."

After a deep breath, James continued. "Secondly...I want you to know that I came to L.A. on my way home to Minnesota. I was actually going home to face all of it. I think that's why I went for help this time instead of dealing with it alone. I was fighting my brain, the part of it that does this and makes me forget. I was ready."

"You were?" Logan blinked.

"I had decided to stop running. Luke's family deserves to know the truth and I need to pay my dues. Luke is-"

"I know who Luke is," Logan interrupted. "I don't know everything, but I've talked to Kendall. They know it's you."

James swallowed nervously, fingers tightening over Logan's. "Have you spoken to Carlos?"

"Not yet, no. I wanted to talk to you first." James nodded before Logan asked, "Why did you stop here?"

"Because I'm selfish. I've always wanted to see Hollywood, been fascinated with the magic of the place. I was afraid I'd never get the chance after I went home, so I stopped here on the way."

With each word, James was driving the stake deeper into Logan's gut. There would be years of waiting for James, Logan sensed that already.

"What happened?"

"I'm not exactly sure. I remember dropping my backpack into a dumpster before hopping a bus, but just like leaving here I didn't know why I was doing it. I didn't plan to run, not this time and not last time. It was like I had no control over it."

"So you didn't _plan_ to leave me?"

"No, Logan, I swear!" Eyes wide and pleading, James begged, "Please believe me. I knew it was getting close but I never planned to leave you. I was going to call you when I needed you. Instead I started...I don't even know what. I guess my brain decided I needed to forget again and I started pushing you away and right before I left I had a moment where I was afraid, I was so afraid because things started feeling weird. I kept having these...flashes, I guess. Like I'd suddenly look at the living room and not know where I was for a few minutes. I remember standing near the bed and seeing the phone and wallet sitting on it, and I knew. I knew it was going to happen again and I didn't want to leave. I called you, I told you I loved you, and then...it gets fuzzy. I don't remember much at all between there and the park. Like the trip from San Fran to here. I have flashes of being on buses. So many buses, I think I took city buses all the way down or something. But it's pretty much a blur."

"That's what I was afraid of, Joseph, you can't control it. You kept getting so mad at me for being worried it would happen again but I knew, I read enough to know that you can't control it sometimes. I called you Joseph again." Logan sighed, extracting a hand to rub his face. "I'm sorry."

"You'll get used to it," James said with a soft smirk.

Running it all through his head, Logan asked, "So you took a backpack with you from San Francisco?"

Nodding, James said, "I packed it before I left. Clothes and cash, that's all I carried."

"But if you weren't planning to run, why leave your wallet and phone?"

"Because that wasn't me. It was a...a lie, basically. Even if I did do a lot of the same things I did back home. I fucked for money there, too."

The bluntness of it was another stab to the gut. "Yeah, I suspected that."

"You don't hate me for it?"

"Not as long as it ends here. Don't start doing it again. I don't share."

James chuckled. "Now that I have you, I wouldn't either. Unless...well."

"Unless nothing. We do not share. Ever."

"I'm just saying, Logan, that if you decide to move on once I go back home-"

"Okay, now it's _my_ turn to say a few things." Taking both of James' hands again, he continued. "Before we get into this, _you_ need to know some things."

James heaved a deep sigh, shifting his legs but not letting go of Logan's hands. "Go on."

"First, I am entirely aware that you may be going away for a while."

Eyes cutting away, James' cheeks reddened with shame.

"Whatever you've done, you're sorry for it, right? Ready to make it right?"

"I can't ever make this right, Logan. It can't be fixed. But I can at least apologize for my actions, try to make amends. I'm pretty sure I've lost Carlos forever. He's the best friend I had before you, and I hate that I fucked it up so bad he won't even want to speak to me again."

James' voice broke at the end, Logan piping up with "Well, you won't lose me. If I have to move to Minnesota and only visit you on weekends, that's what I'll do."

"Logan, you're being ridiculous. You deserve better than-"

"Joseph, my mind is-"

"My name is James!" he yelled suddenly, shocking Logan. "I can't ever be Joseph again, no matter how badly I wish that life wasn't a lie. It's the best life I've ever had." James sniffled, angrily wiping his eyes.

"It doesn't have to disappear," Logan countered softly. "There may be a time where we can't have the life we wanted, but one day we will." Grabbing James' hands and squeezing tight, Logan said, "Our someday, remember? We'll get there."

"You don't deserve to wait. You can find someone better, who-"

Because James was working himself into a panic attack just thinking about it and because it was the last thing Logan wanted to do anyway, he interrupted. "There's no one better, James. I've learned a lot about myself over the past few months, but the most important thing is that I need you. I thought I was happy with my life, that it was perfect. I met you and realized how wrong I was, that you were missing. And before you say it, not just any guy will make me happy. You're the one I belong with. You're worth the wait."

James looked like he still wanted to argue, eyes filled with emotion. "But I-"

"But nothing. Even if you do go away for a while, I happen to have a best friend who's studying to be a defense attorney. By the time you need him, he might be ready."

"Logan...you're forgetting that his boyfriend hates my guts. As he should. I would never expect Kendall to side with me over Carlos."

"Can I ask...you and Carlos. There aren't any feelings there I need to be aware of, right?"

"No," James chuckled. "Not Carlos. He was my best friend at one time. For most of my life, actually, until Luke replaced him."

Even saying the name was difficult for James, Logan could see that much. He decided to steer clear of Luke for the moment. "I meant what I said, James. Whatever it takes to be close to you. There are hospitals everywhere and I can still do my job if I move to near you."

"You can save lives anywhere," James smiled.

"I can. And I'll do what it takes to save yours. You are everything, Jo-damn. James."

This time there was a full smile, James pulling Logan's face closer to kiss him. "I love you."

"I love you, too. And that brings me to the second thing you need to know. You're not getting rid of me, no matter what you tell me. That means you need to be open and honest about everything. Don't lie to me and don't hold anything back. It won't be easy to hear some of it, I'm sure, but what you're feeling is a thousand times worse. So just start at the beginning and let it go. Our phones are off, the door is locked, it's just you and me right now. Let it go."

Gripping Logan's hands painfully tight, James took a deep breath and let it out. "I guess...I guess it all started when my parents died."

* * *

Ironically, it's a car crash that rips James Diamond's parents from him at the age of eighteen. His father is killed instantly, his mother hanging on stubbornly for a week before succumbing to fate. James is alone for much of that week, skipping school and splitting his time between the hospital and his now-empty house. He spends more time with his mother in that week than he has for the previous year, and her silence while lying in a coma is nothing new; he barely exists to them anyway.

That's not to say James is unhappy. He has a best friend in Carlos Garcia, who always welcomes James home for dinner and occasional weekends spent being the silly teenagers that Carlos' older brother Luke teases them for being. Luke is older, a man now at twenty-one, and while Carlos is irritated sometimes with Luke's comments, James laughs at them and smiles winningly. Luke is gorgeous, funny, and the coolest guy James has ever known. He dreams of one day being accepted into Luke's group of buddies, even has daydreams of Luke falling in love with him. He never tells Carlos this, of course, but sometimes wonders if Carlos knows anyway because of the eye rolls aimed James' way often when Luke is around.

Carlos sits with him at the hospital off and on during that week, the quietest James has ever seen him. They don't speak much, James feeling more guilty than anything else because he doesn't miss his father and knows that if his mother passes away, he won't miss her either. It's a concept that would be foreign to someone like Carlos, who is adored by his parents and supported in every area of his life. For that reason, James doesn't speak of it and Carlos assumes his lack of emotion is due to shock and the inability to discuss what he is feeling.

When Mrs. Diamond does die, James has already been offered a home by the Garcias. As he's eighteen the option of being sent to a foster home is out of the question, and James is grateful for that. There is no family that would take him in, which amazes Mrs. Garcia but not James. After packing up the belongings he wants to keep, he donates everything else. The house doesn't belong to him, no will was ever put in place, and so James is free and clear to live the life he chooses to.

What James wants most, though, is time with Luke. Feeling sorry for him, Luke allows James to hang out with his few buddies when they're at the house, and James makes himself fun to be around. He makes it so that Luke enjoys his company, does favors for Luke and lies to cover for him when Luke comes home after curfew. What James hopes will happen finally does, and the more time that passes the less Luke hangs out with his buddies and chooses James' company instead.

James slowly starts having health issues. First, he misses a few afternoon classes. It escalates gradually until he misses entire days, and perhaps because they fear he's grieving over his parents, the school counselors don't look into it as they should but instead let it go. Mr. and Mrs. Garcia take a similar approach, letting James know they're available if he wants to talk, and he lets them know how much he appreciates them while feeling only a little guilty about the lies. Because he's eighteen, there really isn't much the school can do about excessive absences anyway except kick him out. Mrs. Garcia suggests taking James to see a doctor for his spells of dizziness and nausea, but he uses charm to get out of it. The symptoms come and go. Conveniently.

The only one who sees through his "illness" is Carlos, because as oblivious to most things in life Carlos is, what he does know well is James. And James does feel bad for ditching Carlos so much, but Luke is so exciting! He goes to clubs all the time, parties with the cool people, knows everyone who seems to matter.

Eventually James stops going to school altogether, Carlos at first upset and hurt but then it gets easier when Carlos meets some new kid who joins the hockey team and apparently blows everyone away with his talent. James has always been the best player on the team, it should probably bother James that he's been so quickly replaced, but since it gets Carlos off his back and allows him more time to hang with Luke, James is perfectly fine with it.

Then the unthinkable happens: Luke announces his intention to move into an apartment of his own. James is devastated. He goes to Luke's room late one night after Luke has snuck in and begs, pleads with Luke to take him along. Luke has a million reasons why James should not move in with him, but James is unyielding and desperate and clutching his shirt with big eyes, kneeling next to Luke's bed between Luke's legs, and he promises to do anything for Luke, anything just _anything_just please take him along!

Luke can't say no. He knows he'll catch hell for it from his mother, but they gave up on him as a lost cause years ago anyway and really they have no say in what James chooses to do with his life. They do, of course, attempt to talk James out of it, but his mind is made up.

He wants Luke.

Carlos barely speaks to him once James breaks the news. There is hurt in the deep brown eyes, and there is disappointment, but there is also resignation. Rather than try to change his mind, Carlos escapes to the bedroom he currently shares with James and calls his new best friend, who is apparently everything James could never be.

And again, James is relieved more than anything else. Of course he misses Carlos, of course he understands that they will never be the same again, but Luke is waiting for him. What could be more amazing than living with Luke all the time, no parents or Carlos around to drag his focus away? He will be whatever Luke needs him to be, do whatever Luke asks him to do. He will make himself indispensable.

James never questions how Luke has the money to afford his own apartment. He knows there will be buddies hanging out occasionally, but he also knows that at night it will be just the two of them and that if he is persistent, he will wear Luke down eventually; he doesn't plan to sleep alone for more than a month.

It's not at all what he imagined it to be, though. There are constantly friends in and out of the place, not just guys but girls. James sees things he never knew people were capable of, and though Luke tries his best to shield James from the harsher aspects of the party life, James is witness to sex and drugs and things that disgust him but none of that matters. He's there for Luke, to be whatever Luke needs him to be. Mostly he's an errand boy, but again—he doesn't mind. Luke wants him around.

When Luke's friends start to come on to him, at first Luke discourages it. He still thinks of James like a little brother, to a degree, and yells at anyone who gets too close to James or propositions him in any way. James takes this to mean Luke is staking his claim and could not be more pleased. He doubles his efforts to seduce Luke, but Luke does not acknowledge anything more than friendship between them. It frustrates James.

What James loves most, though (other than alone time with Luke, which is hard to come by), is the club scene. Luke breaks him into that quickly, magically making a fake I.D. appear, and James lives for the moments on the dance floor when he can let it all go and just move to the music. It isn't a gay club but more than half the patrons who frequent it are and so James feels comfortable there. He dissuades everyone who tries to dance with him, though, saving himself for the one he knows will one day be his.

One night at the club Luke suggests he dance with a few of the guys trying to get into his pants. It hurts, more than James wants to admit, but Luke seems to like the idea so James goes for it. He discovers that he loves dancing with other men, loves their hands on him, loves the way they want so much more but can't have it. He realizes that he has it in him to be a tease, and it's fun. Mostly, though, he just enjoys the dancing and being desired, being treated like something that's too hot to handle. Why can't Luke see that in him?

When Luke suggests that he allow a little more touching, maybe a few kisses here and there, James is adamant that he will not kiss anyone. He is absolutely saving himself, though he doesn't tell Luke that. Luke persuades him to at least start charging for certain things, stating that he's starting to run low on money and needs James' help. James knows by then that Luke makes money off of drugs and that he dabbles in it himself, and though he doesn't really approve, it's Luke. Luke can do no wrong. So even though James doesn't see how it's possible that Luke is running low on money, he agrees to try a few things and in the first night, he makes over two hundred dollars. All this from letting a man feel him up in a bathroom stall, letting another stroke him to orgasm, and after Luke gets a few drinks in him, letting one more blow him. Sex is a rush, even at that minimal level, and James doesn't see the harm in letting someone pay him when he gets all the pleasure out of it.

What he hates is that Luke isn't the one doing these things to him. Now that he understands how amazing it can feel, he wants Luke more badly than ever. He starts sneaking into Luke's room at night, cuddling up with him in bed, and Luke wakes the first few times to send him back to his own room. The fourth time he doesn't send James away, but lets him stay. The fifth time he allows James to hold him, and the sixth he's so wasted he doesn't even react when James chances a kiss on the cheek. Emboldened, James goes for the lips. There is no more response than an annoyed sound, as if James is a fly buzzing around his lips, and James backs off—for that night, at least.

And so the pattern begins. James allows them in his pants, but he won't take that next step and allow them into his body, nor will he invade anyone else's. He is still saving himself for that day Luke opens his eyes and realizes what he has to offer, that he is a man now and can give Luke more pleasure than Luke has ever dreamed possible. He knows Luke occasionally gets some from the girls rotating in and out the apartment, and that cuts him deep, but that's just a phase because Luke doesn't know what he's missing. One day he will. One day James will show him, and there won't be any more girls. He lives in hope for that day.

A week after James has begun to share a bed with Luke, it happens. The glorious day arrives and Luke is coherent enough to understand what's happening when James kisses him. James is not a practiced kisser; he and Carlos never really dated girls or anyone for that matter, as James only had eyes for Luke and Carlos was still unsure of his sexuality, and so when he kisses Luke it's a bit clumsy but the most amazing moment of his life. Luke responds in kind for all of five seconds before shoving James away and yelling at him to go back to his room and never come back, that he isn't "like that" and he's sorry but it's never gonna happen.

James argues, Luke yells some more, and finally James returns to his room, devastated. How is he not good enough for Luke? He's good enough for everyone else in the world, the guys at the club can't keep their hands off him, but Luke doesn't seem to see just how amazing James is. It's not fair.

The next night he tells Luke he isn't in the mood for clubbing, so Luke takes him aside and has a serious talk with him. He apologizes for pushing James away and hurting him but explains that his feelings aren't more than brotherly and he would feel like a monster for taking advantage of James in that way. He also reiterates that he's not into men, but James only laughs at that; he will never forget the way Luke kissed him back briefly.

They make peace and return to the club for their nightly business, James making more money than ever but as he's staring down at some random guy sucking him, it crosses his mind to wonder if it would be possible to make Luke jealous. Sure, Luke knows he does this, in fact put all of this into motion, but Luke never actually sees it happen. Maybe if he did, he'd want it for himself.

So James starts bringing the men home at night rather than doing business in the bathroom. He makes arrangements to meet up with different men at different times after the bar closes, Luke aware of every single person who comes in and out of that apartment. He conducts some of his business where he knows Luke will walk by, and exaggerates his enjoyment of it, but Luke never says a word other than "Smart bringing them home, you can get more out of them that way."

Still, though, James will not cross that line. He has dreams of Luke being his first, and has even begun to sneak back into Luke's room when they finally make it to sleep. Luke allows it, perhaps feeling sorry for James, but he resists any advances that go beyond hugging or cuddling.

And then there's the night everything changes. Luke throws a huge party for James' nineteenth birthday, inviting a bunch of guys they know from the club, and it's a crazy night. Though James has been drunk before, they ply him with so many drinks he's barely able to dance, and after taking a few minutes to clear his head outside in the fresh air, he returns to the apartment feeling more stable. Luke brings him a drink, which he refuses while stating he's had enough, but Luke is insistent that this one's special and made just for him on his big night, so of course James gives in. He pounds it, thinking he'll pass out for the night after, and makes the rounds to thank everyone for coming out. After a while, though, he's suddenly wide awake. And feeling _really_ fucking good. The music is still going, so he decides to dance. And dance. And dance some more. He can't remember ever feeling like this, so insanely happy and excited. When he's surrounded on all sides he dances with everyone, hands on him like fire and soon enough his clothes are gone, bodies pressing him from every direction and it's amazing, like nothing he's ever felt before, and he wants more. He wants it to never stop.

It could be called an orgy except that he's the center of attention, all hands and eyes and mouths are on him, and though there's a moment where he experiences fear and calls out for Luke, it's calmed by a mouth between his legs and and lips everywhere else. The rush is so intense, like nothing he's ever known, and when he's invaded by fingers that expertly know what they're doing, he begs for more. He gets more, he gets everything that night, and over the next few hours, James Diamond is broken in.

His memories of that night are hazy. He wakes feeling depressed and anxious and like he wants to crawl out of his skin, body sore and aching and a bit bruised. Luke is there, though, to take care of him, making sure he's not damaged beyond repair, and they take a night off from the club to sit and watch movies together. No one else is present, it's the perfect way to spend an evening, and when Luke asks if he's happy, James smiles and cuddles closer on the couch. "Never been happier."

Luke asks what he remembers of the night before, and while much of it is out of his grasp, he manages, "I remember...sex. I really love sex." Luke laughs, nodding, before suggesting they go to bed. And James knows then it's finally going to happen.

Except it doesn't. Luke allows James to hold him but discourages anything more, and James ends up crying himself to sleep after Luke drifts off. He _knows_ now, knows what he's missing with Luke, and wonders again what's so wrong with him that Luke won't even give him a chance.

Luke mentions the following night how much more money James can make for them if he opens up his menu, so to speak. As much as he enjoyed the sex (or so he vaguely recalls), he's not ready for that and tells Luke so. Luke seems to be cool with it, but after an hour on the dance floor brings James some dark German beer that James has never had before. When he complains of the taste, Luke laughs and tells him it's bitter because it's foreign. Trusting Luke as always, James drinks it down and soon enough he's out there dancing his ass off and horny again and when he's offered a blowjob in the bathroom, he takes it. When it's over he's still feeling alive and needy so he offers the man a fuck, and the man is more than willing to take him up on that. Once again it's a little hazy, but when James comes home with over a thousand dollars the next morning, he assumes there must have been a lot of men willing to fuck him. And he remembers enough to know that he loved every minute of it, except of course for the fact that it wasn't Luke.

After that there is no more need for drinks from Luke. He becomes the most popular patron of the club, willing to do almost anything asked of him for enough money, and Luke is thrilled because he's rolling in dough. They move into a bigger apartment, James insisting on a three-bedroom so that he has a separate room to do his business in, and the business really takes off. There are nights when it all seems to be too much, though, when the sadness hits him hard, and those nights Luke is there with his special drinks to boost James up. When that doesn't work, Luke gives him a little something extra. James isn't a fan of needles, doesn't like the fact that he's shooting up with who knows what, but Luke does it, so...if it's good enough for Luke, it's good enough for James.

The only thing missing from his life is love, the one love he's been desperate for and still hopes to one day have.

Luke asks him once why he refuses to kiss his customers. James flat-out states that he's waiting for Luke to be his Prince Charming and that one day, he'll open his eyes. They have another serious discussion, Luke reiterating that while he loves James, it's not in that way and that James needs to give up on that dream. But James has seen the way Luke sometimes watches him dance, has noted that Luke's eyes are at times glued to him walking naked around the apartment. James only smiles and says, "Someday."

But Luke does hold out, for a very very long time, so long that James has doubts it'll ever happen. Usually he's able to keep the faith, but when he feels the need to sit at home and mope, Luke peps him up again. He's finally come to understand that Luke is slipping something into his drinks on those occasions, and rather than be upset about it he embraces what it does for him and the amazing way it makes him feel. He starts to crave it, because when he comes down from the highs, the lows are the worst thing he's ever experienced. He's moody, depressed, panicky, and sometimes even suffers memory loss. Still, the highs are worth it, as is the money he brings in on those nights when his wall is down and he can let go completely.

It's a perfect situation, James and Luke against the world, and on his twentieth birthday Luke throws him another huge party, this time at the club. The staff members all love him, the patrons do as well, and the biggest surprise of all is that Carlos shows up. He doesn't stay long, James disappointed for that but understanding that he hasn't been a friend to Carlos for almost two years and doesn't deserve anything more, but James is still touched that Carlos came to see him.

They manage to talk for a bit, Carlos telling James about his boyfriend who's the best guy in the whole world and that he's enrolled in the police academy to follow in his father's footsteps. James is proud, and truly happy for Carlos because he can see that Carlos has everything he wants in life. It makes James a little sad, the reminder that he still doesn't have love in his life, but he can be thrilled for Carlos and tells him so. His spirits dip when Carlos leaves, James somehow knowing they won't see each other again or at least not for a very long time, but when Luke steps up behind him and lays an arm over his shoulder, he's better again. He has Luke—maybe not the way he wants him, but he's still number one in Luke's life and that's what matters.

All of that changes when Nina starts to work at the club. She's not what James would consider a knock-out, but she's nice and pretty enough, he supposes. She's recently moved to town for school and come to the bar because her aunt owns the place. Donna tries her hardest to fix James up with her niece, just because Donna loves James so much, but James takes her aside and reminds her that not only is he into men, but he's a prostitute. Would Donna really want her niece dating a prostitute? Donna responds that James is meant for greater things and will one day realize that, and she was hoping Nina would be the catalyst for James to make a change in his life.

Instead Luke falls for her. Hard. James sees it happening, panics because he doesn't know how to stop it, and throws his plan to win Luke over into triple time. Nothing seems to work, though, because how can he compete with a sweet smile, an adorable laugh, and a girl smart enough to go to college? He wants to hate Nina, tries to tell himself that she'll show her faults soon and Luke will realize she's not perfect, but the more time that passes the bleaker his chances look.

When Luke starts taking her out on actual dates, skipping nights at the club here and there, James knows he's in trouble. There has to be some way to open Luke's eyes, to show him that James can make him happy, that no one knows him as well as James. If only Luke would relax for one night and just let James show him what he's missing. James had been reluctant to try sex, too, but once he'd been exposed to it, he'd never looked back.

And that's when it hits him. Of course. Luke has done it to him a million times, why not a dose of his own medicine? So one night James feigns illness, says he's just not up to the club and can they please stay home? He knows Luke has a date planned with Nina, but can't they break it just one night? Isn't James worth that? It means something that Luke does break the date, shows James that he's still loved, and he puts his plan into action. It's just the two of them that night, James stating he wasn't up to company, and so at one point while Luke leaves the room, James does to him what he's done to James so many times in the past. He doctors Luke's beer.

He's terrified Luke will taste it and bust him, but Luke doesn't even seem to notice. Instead he cuddles a little closer, hands roaming a bit, and James starts to get excited. This might actually work.

James knows it's a success when Luke starts giggling over everything in the movie. He's in such a good mood, why are they stuck at home? They should go out and dance. James suggests they dance right there in the living room, and that's easy enough to talk Luke into. James uses every trick he's picked up at the club, touching Luke just right in a way to make him crazy, teasing him so mercilessly that Luke is practically moaning with each rub against his skin. When Luke gets too hot and strips off his shirt, James helps by peeling his pants down as well, and then it's a piece of cake. They spend the night rolling around the living room, Luke unable to get enough as he fucks James over and over, and James knows things have changed forever. He embraces it.

The next morning James wakes in Luke's bed, stretching and yawning and sated. He's actually considering giving up the job, because no one could ever compare to Luke and he has no desire to be with anyone else anyway; he only did it in the first place because Luke wanted him to.

But Luke isn't in the apartment. All that's there is a note on the refrigerator that states, "I'll be back. We need to talk."

He isn't sure how to take that. After showering, he throws on some clothes and waits, a million scenarios running through his head. His favorite is the one where Luke comes through the door with roses and says, "I'm so sorry, I should've realized sooner, I love you. Forget everyone else, let's be together forever." That one makes him giggle and blush, bouncing up and down slightly in his chair at the kitchen table. There is of course another side to that coin, a vision of Luke coming back to tell him they can never do that again, but James doesn't want to think about that.

Unfortunately, that's the scenario that plays out. Once again devastated, James is numb as Luke explains to him that what happened was a mistake, he doesn't know what came over him and he's sorry, he should never have taken advantage like that, especially since he's dating Nina. How can he face Nina now?

All James can do is scream and yell and after a loud "Fuck Nina!" he goes into a tirade about how much Luke loved every second of the night before and why can't he just admit that he wants James? What's so wrong with James? Luke sighs and says that there's nothing wrong with James, but he's not into men like that. Hysterical laughter bubbles up from James, who says "You could've fooled me the way you were pounding me last night," and Luke gets angry then. He states that it's never going to happen, that he plans to marry Nina someday, and that if James can't accept that then he needs to get the fuck out.

Crushed, broken, and feeling like his whole world is ending, James doesn't know what else to do. It hurts to look at Luke, hurts to even be in his presence, and so James does it—he leaves. He packs a few suitcases and runs to the bar, where he knows he's at least appreciated, and after he's poured his heart out to Donna, she takes him in and feeds him ice cream. Ice cream has always been James' favorite thing to indulge in when he stops by the bar during the day for lunch.

Donna proves to be the mother James never had, or perhaps what Mrs. Garcia would've been to James had he allowed it. She tells him he's welcome to stay at the bar, there's a room in the back he can have if he needs it temporarily, and even though James should have plenty of money of his own, he's not going to go back and ask Luke for anything. So one night when Luke is out, James returns to the apartment for the rest of his belongings and leaves the keys on the kitchen table. It's a gesture of finality, a goodbye that he hopes will bring Luke to his senses.

Luke doesn't return to the club.

The worst part of it all is that James has to see Nina constantly. They don't speak much, James wondering if she knows what happened between him and Luke, but he's not going to ask. She's polite to him, but only just. After a year of working at the club, she informs her aunt that she's found a better job and Donna gives her blessing. In that, at least, James can breathe a sigh of relief. He doesn't have to see her anymore, or have the daily reminder of what he's lost.

His twenty-first birthday passes with a bang, the club throwing him the biggest party yet, and Donna claims it's their best money-making night ever. She attributes that to James offering a dance to everyone in attendance, James laughing because he knows it's true; the posters had been up for weeks. There's a tiny part of him that hopes for a visit from Luke or even Carlos, for _something_, even a phone call, but they've moved on. James is alone.

And yet he's not. He's got his family at the club. He retires the fake I.D. Luke procured him when he was eighteen and gets a real one instead, finally feeling like a man. He's still the hottest thing going at the club, and quickly makes enough money to get his own apartment but chooses instead to remain at the club because when he's left alone too long he gets lonely. He helps out in the kitchen when needed, he sinks money into the place for renovations, and he becomes what amounts to an equal partner in managing it. While Donna still feels he could be doing better things with his life, she welcomes his presence and his kindness.

It's not the life he wanted, but he's happy enough. The thought of Luke still tears at his heart, but he's learning to live without him. Slowly.

It's another year before James is unceremoniously thrust into emotional turmoil again, having no warning and therefore being unprepared when Luke walks into the bar one day. James is sitting at the counter eating the fresh strawberry ice cream that's just been delivered, thinking that he hopes they don't run out before the night is over because he wants another bowl before bed. The bar is open for lunch during the day, so when the door opens James doesn't even look up. He's glued to the movie playing on the television above the bar and the deliciousness of strawberries on his tongue. Maybe he'll see if Donna wants to bring in some cookies from an outside vendor. Ice cream and cookies would be the ideal meal.

"Hey."

It's spoken softly behind him, and he's so engrossed in the movie that it takes him a few seconds to turn his head slowly. "Yeah, how can I-" The words die in his throat, ice cream turning to what tastes like sandpaper as he swallows. He simply stares at Luke, who he can see is terrified but determined.

Luke looks different. Older, but somehow more alive. His eyes aren't as dull, his movements more calm. There's a peace about him that was never there before, even through his fear.

"Do you have a second for us to talk, James?"

Just like that the old feelings are back. He can hardly keep from jumping off the stool and tackling Luke, begging him for another chance and to never leave. Instead he nods hesitantly, trying to calm the racing of his heart. Luke looks so_ good. _

James lifts the remote control from the bar and shuts the movie off, pushing his bowl aside and turning to face the man who has taken the next stool. He watches Luke set something on the counter, a small book of some kind, and dread courses through him.

"How are you, James?"

"Fine. Good." He's certainly not going to make this easy on Luke.

Luke nods, eyes roaming the bar area. "The place looks good. I heard you're helping out a lot, donating money."

When James nods himself but doesn't speak, Luke sighs. "Look, I...I came back to apologize."

A slow smile spreads across James' face. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. I...so many things. I treated you so unfairly in so many ways, did things I'm not proud of. I owe you an apology."

"It's...we're cool." The smile widens now, James just so happy to see Luke and hear those words. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you, too. Listen, James...I feel horrible for the way I got you on the wrong path. I never should've let you move in with me. You were a good kid, didn't need to get mixed up in all that...sleaze."

"It all worked out, though, right? We had a great time."

"Well, that's relative, but...look. I've made a lot of changes in my life. I moved back home."

"Home?" Shocked, James asks, "You mean with Carlos?"

"No, Carlos is living with his boyfriend now. He's doing really good. Proud of that little shit," Luke laughs. "But I'm living with Mom and Dad, and I don't...you know. The drugs and the other stuff...I'm done with that. Nina helped me turn my life around."

_Nina._ Heart shattering yet again, James' face turns to stone. "Nina."

"Yeah. She um...we go to church now. On the weekends. I—whoa, is that one of your drawings up there? That's fantastic. You should really think about-"

"Fuck my drawings," James mutters. "Tell me more about Miss Perfect."

"James, don't-"

"Don't what? Don't be pissed that you came all the way down here to rub Nina in my face? Like I want to hear that you two are the perfect couple and couldn't be happier?"

"I had hoped you were past this."

"Past this? You don't just stop loving someone, Luke! I gave you everything! Anything you ever asked, I didn't hesitate, it was yours! All I wanted was to be loved, for you to see me as someone worth your attention and your time." And now the fucking tears are coming, the tears he hadn't cried in forever because he'd blocked it all out. "Don't expect me to be happy for you."

"I don't, I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry. We learned a lot about forgiveness in church. It's important to me that you can forgive me, that you can-"

"Fuck you! Get the fuck out of my bar! How dare you come in here and ask for my forgiveness when you can't even admit that you love dick. You're lying to yourself and everyone else, Luke, because no matter how perfect Nina is, she's not me and she doesn't make you feel the way I did that night. No one ever will. When you're ready to face that, you know where to find me."

"James-"

"Get out!" James stands up, shoving Luke off the stool. "And take your stupid Bible with you! I don't want that shit."

"No. I'm leaving that. Read it, James. Please. If you can't forgive me, fine, but read that. It'll change your life."

"The only change I want in my life is the one where you walk in here and tell me you love me and that you were wrong all this time. Until then, I don't want to see your face again."

Luke stares at James for a long time, then says, "You know where to find me. When you're ready. I love you, bro, but I can't be what you want me to be. I have friendship to offer, unconditional friendship and love, but only if you're open to it. And I'm sorry. For all of it, for all of the shit I pulled on you. I hope one day you _can_ forgive me."

Even though what he wants most is to run after Luke and beg him to stay, James remains standing near the bar as Luke walks out. He picks up the Bible and throws it across the room, pages fluttering and something falling from it before it hits the wall. James makes his way to the object that has fallen from the Bible, picking it up and then crumpling into a ball on the floor after realizing what it is.

Luke had slid in a picture of the two of them, one Carlos had taken on James' twentieth birthday. It features the two of them standing right where they'd just had their argument, Luke's arm around him. On the back Luke had written "We were supposed to be friends forever. I hope one day you can forgive me and we can start over. I love you."

* * *

James keeps the Bible. Not because he cares about anything it has to say, but because Luke gave it to him. He doesn't exactly read it, but he does page through it occasionally in an attempt to understand what made Luke change so much. And then of course there's the picture, the one he stares at more often than he should and aches for those days when he was the main person in Luke's life.

He tells himself to move on, but he can't. Luke is the only one he's ever loved and he can't seem to let go. He still refuses to kiss his customers, which irritates them but doesn't keep them away. He's saving himself, even now, for the day Luke realizes he's made a mistake and comes back. He knows it's going to happen, he just has to wait. Luke loves him. He said so.

Over the next year James immerses himself in the club, taking on more responsibility and turning it into the hottest place in town. He still works, but does it only when he chooses to; now he can do that. He finds that he likes doing it, to a degree, making people happy for a short time when he can. And of course he loves the sex. He can never get enough of the sex, though he is extremely careful and always takes precautions—one good thing Luke taught him.

Through it all he waits. And hopes. And prays. Because even though he's not a religious guy at all, he's skimmed enough of the Bible to know prayer works sometimes. He has faith, too, because he's also read that the Lord makes things right, and he and Luke together is right. It just fits.

After his twenty-third birthday, Donna informs him that they need to talk. Scared because the last time someone said that to him his entire life was ripped away from him, James sits down at a booth across from the bar with a cup of coffee and a few cookies. The club will be opening in a bit for the nighttime activities, so they don't have time for a major discussion, but Donna places her hand on James' and says, "I didn't want you to hear this from someone else. And I'm sorry, I know it's going to hurt, but you need to know."

James barely manages to swallow the bite of cookie in his mouth, it turning to sawdust like the ice cream did when Luke visited him. He takes a few sips of his coffee, then braces himself. "Go ahead."

"Nina...and Luke. There's no easy way to say it, James. They're engaged."

It hurts, it in fact tears his soul apart from head to toe, but he's not surprised. "When's the wedding?"

"Soon. I'm not sure what the rush is, but...soon. Nina asked me to tell you you're invited, but she understands if you don't want to attend. And she says that..."

"What?"

"Well...that if you do come, please don't make a scene. I told her you were better than that, but she asked me to say it anyway."

James isn't better than that, and Luke (obviously Nina, as well) knows that. He has no desire to sit in a room and watch the love of his life marry someone else.

"Luke...he said that if you can bring yourself to be there, he'd like for you to be his best man."

James can only shake his head, wondering at the nerve of Luke to even consider asking that of him. "No."

"Okay. I understand. I wanted you to hear it from me, though. Not someone else."

"Right. Well. Thanks." James stands up, exiting the booth quickly and leaving his coffee and cookies forgotten.

"I'm sorry, James. Are you okay?"

"Sure. Never better. See you in the club."

Donna knows he's not okay, but leaves him be. He returns to his room, pulling out the Bible and opening it to the picture of himself and Luke. He stares at it for a long time, reads the back again, and wonders if they _can_ start over. The problem, though, is that friendship still isn't enough. It wasn't then, and it isn't now.

_Soon._ The word hangs over him, a form of motivation. _This is it, James. Now or never. Get him back or lose him forever._

It's almost midnight when James calls Luke, frantic. He's grateful it's Luke who answers rather than Mr. or Mrs. Garcia, and begs Luke to come get him from the club, says he needs help and please hurry, he's so scared but please don't tell anyone; he's in trouble. It's an Oscar-worthy performance, Luke soothing him and promising to be there as soon as possible, and James almost feels guilty.

Almost.

When Luke pulls up in front of the club, James hops into the car and tells him to speed away, cries into his hands and this he doesn't have to fake. He's crying because he's desperate, because he's stooped to this level and is probably going to lose Luke forever anyway.

"Talk to me, what's going on?"

James just shakes his head, wiping his sleeve over his eyes.

"James. Hey. Buddy, come on. I'm here. Talk to me."

When they're a few miles away, James gets control of himself. He glances over at Luke and says, "I heard about the wedding."

It clicks then, Luke sighing as he drives. "James, really? You did all that because you wanted to talk? You could've just told me."

"You wouldn't have come. This is my last chance, Luke. Why are you so stubborn?"

"I'm sorry. I'm in love with her. She showed me what life can be like, made me feel good about myself."

"I never did that?"

"You did, it's just...different. You made me feel like a hero. And it was awesome, but that's not love, James."

Watching Luke drive without a destination in mind, James argues, "Why can't you admit you enjoyed that night?"

"I hardly remember that night! You fucked with my drink, didn't you?"

"Nice language. You use that at church?"

Groaning in frustration, Luke answers, "That's what happens when I'm around you. I start picking up the bad habits again."

"Don't blame me. You taught me everything I know."

And that hurts. James can see it, can see that it was a punch to gut for Luke, and he's not sorry.

"If I could take it back, I would."

"I wouldn't." Reaching over to lay a hand on Luke's thigh, James says, "I'd do it all over again. Get you before she came into your life. That's the problem, I waited too long. I should've showed you sooner."

"James, just stop. It's not happening. Dude, please. You need to move on. You need to let me go."

"Why, so you can marry the perfect princess and have the perfect life you never wanted?"

"I want it now," Luke said firmly. "I want that, kids and a house and a life where I have a good job that's legitimate. I want to make my kids proud."

"Listen to yourself! Who the fuck are you?"

"I'm the man who's going to marry Nina and be the husband she deserves! I'm going to be a good father to that child and raise it right, show it that I'm worthy! You could have that life, too, James! You could be an uncle to my kid, just...open your eyes!"

He gets it then, why the wedding has to be soon. And if there's a child on the way, James knows his time is up. There's no hope anymore. His world comes crashing down, and in a fit of desperation he launches himself at Luke, forcing his lips on Luke's until Luke pushes him away hard, the car swerving. "Are you crazy? You're gonna get us killed!"

"Just kiss me! Kiss me once and you'll know, let me show you, Luke! I swear, I can be what you want, I'll do anything, _be_ anything, just kiss me and you'll know it!"

"James, just stop! You have to stop!"

They're yelling at each other now, the car going faster than it should be but each is so focused on the argument they hardly notice.

"I can't stop! I love you! Why can't you just love me back?"

"Because I'm not gay, James! If I was, you would be it, okay? There, are you happy? If I was gay, it would be you. I'd rescue you from the sad life you're living now and we'd have our own family, but I'm not gay! It's wrong to be gay!"

And that's like a punch to the face. James stares at Luke, stunned. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"It's true, okay? They teach us that in church, I'm sorry but it's not right."

"Your brother is gay!" James yells, incredulous. "Carlos is the best person I know, don't you dare tell me he's wrong!"

"I'm working on him. Kendall's great and all, but Carlos will wake up one day and realize. So will you, if you just-"

"I can't even believe I'm hearing this! You let them brainwash you! Motherfucking asshole, how dare you come to me and say I'm wrong to be gay! You're the one who knocked up your girlfriend! Is that in your Bible, too, that it's okay to have sex before marriage? You're a fucking hypocrite!"

"Look, we all make mistakes. I'm going to change it, though, make it right. Be a good father. If you would just come to church with me once you'd see-"

"Let me out of the car." It's said in a low and threatening voice, not at all like the outraged yelling James usually does when he's angry. Luke has finally done it—he's started James on the road to getting over him, because James can't love a man who believes his own brother and best friend are abominations.

"No. We're going to talk about this."

"Let me out of the car."

Luke glances over at James, sees him about to open the door, and reaches out to stop him. The car swerves again and he curses before getting it handled. "James, listen to me."

"No. Let me out of the fucking car! Pull over!"

"Just-"

"Let me out!" James shoves the door open, feeling Luke's hand clutch at his sleeve before breaking free and throwing himself out of the car to roll over the asphalt until the curb stops him. He's hit his head on the curb, barely registers it's bleeding, and thank God the streets are deserted. They've made it to the outskirts of town anyway, not much traffic out here, and James sits up just in time to hear the horrendous crash of metal and wood. He spins around suddenly, blood dripping into his left eye, and sees that the car he was just riding in is wrapped around a tree, looking like nothing so much as a tin can opened crudely.

Shock sets in. This can't be happening. It just can't. "Luke," he whispers, then it's louder. "Luke!"

He's up and running, ignoring the throbbing to his head, screaming for Luke but there's no answer. He discovers why after spinning around in circles, Luke's mangled body lying lifeless and somehow all the way across the street.

"Luke. Luke, no. No!" James runs to him, kneeling there and shaking him as if that's going to work miracles. "God, please! I know you're up there, please help him! He deserves it, please God please!"

Panic is taking over, it's getting harder to think clearly, and he knows what he has to do. He has to run for help. He has to run.

And so he does. He runs and runs, but by the time he's made it back to town he can't remember _why_ he's running. Where the hell is he, anyway? And why the fuck is he bleeding?

_Help. You need to find help. Just find help. Someone. Anyone._

So he runs again. And he keeps running, this time not stopping until he's made it to the next town and his body's about to collapse. He's stopped bleeding but still confused, still lost. Panic takes hold, driving him on, but it's dark outside and there's no one around.

_Please, just...someone help me. Anybody._

The last thing he remembers is a car coming his way, lights thrusting him into the spotlight and it hurts, his head hurts so bad. He dives behind some bushes and hides, terrified to be found but having no idea why.


	23. Chapter 23

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the characters taken from Big Time Rush and placed into this story. I make no money off this.

**Author's Notes:**

So this hasn't even been sent to beta yet. I don't know why, it's been done for days, I just never sent it. Normally I wouldn't post without running it by someone else first, but tonight I'm kind of in an "I don't care, whatever" mood, so I'm going for it. I should know better than to post when I'm feeling like that but oh well.

Also THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YOU. YES, YOU. I LOVE YOU.

About a year ago I wrote a story for **kathrynew30**, it was a gift for our one-year friendiversary. The James Diamond in this story is taken directly from that one, though he suffered no amnesia in it. So for that reason, I dedicate this to Kathryn.

I also must dedicate it to **joyousbrokenthing**, who is entirely to blame for this being written at all. She tweeted me one night about a vision of Logan as a scientist building a robot James. This story is of course not that at all, but it got me thinking about a situation where Logan basically helps put James back together and within fifteen minutes I had this story pretty much written in my head. I wasn't planning to write a Jagan next, but it wouldn't leave me alone so here we are. Thanks a lot, Tammy.

* * *

For half of the telling James spoke in a monotone, Logan concerned but letting it pass because perhaps James needed to think of it like that, a story he was removed from, in order to get it all out. He began to get agitated, though, when explaining that Luke couldn't seem to open his eyes and take what was offered. Logan could only imagine the torture James put him through, knew how James went about trying to seduce someone; even at half power, he'd been almost impossible to resist and Logan imagined that had James been living with him for the first month, he would've caved much sooner.

By the time James got to the part about moving out of the apartment, there were tears. Logan moved away long enough to grab a box of tissues, and when he returned it was to wrap his arms around James and hold him while he dried his eyes. James continued, reduced to a choking, sobbing mess by the time the story was finished.

Logan held him. And kissed him. He was numb, but he knew enough to kiss James, to make sure James understood that here he was loved and cherished and appreciated and that he would not be abandoned. Ever.

The story gave him hope, surprisingly, as he'd feared that James had been behind the wheel of a car that killed someone. While it was true that the accident was technically James' fault, he didn't think James could be held accountable for it in a legal sense; he hoped not, anyway. That would be something Kendall would be able to tell him.  
_  
Kendall._Would Kendall even speak to James, knowing who he was? He couldn't imagine Kendall hating James, especially since he didn't know the full story, but if Carlos did still have anger toward James then Kendall might take his side, as it were.

What was going to make the entire situation worse, of course, was the truth coming out. Not only had James caused the accident in the first place, he'd run. He hadn't been a man and faced his actions. Most people weren't doctors and might not understand that he'd had no control over his behavior once the fugue set in.

But it sounded as if James was ready now to step up, to do what he could to make things right, even if he couldn't do what he wanted to most and bring Luke back. He was right-nothing could fix that.

It was a long time before the sobbing tapered off into sniffles, James now on Logan's lap with his head resting on Logan's shoulder. Logan kissed his temple, one of James' hands rubbing at his eyes while the other curled into Logan's shirt. Logan had so many questions still but he held out, wondering what James was thinking. James remained silent, though, other than the occasional hiccuping intakes of air that would come over him.

After passing James one more tissue, which James took and dried his eyes, Logan knew what he needed to say. There were a million things, really, but this was the most important. He kissed James' hair, trailing his lips down to whisper into his ear. "I love you."

The eyes that rolled up to meet his gaze, the expression of confusion and disbelief, broke Logan's heart. "Are you crazy?" James asked softly.

"Maybe," Logan let out a sudden laugh, but it died quickly because this was nothing to joke about. "I do, though. I love you, James Diamond."

"Logan..." James' breathing hitched and he was crying again, almost hyperventilating with it, until Logan shushed him and kissed his brow, then his cheek. "Didn't you hear anything I just said? I killed him. I fucking killed him, Logan."

"Did you hold a gun to his head and pull the trigger?"

"Of course not, but what's the difference? It's my fault he's dead. If I hadn't called him that night, if I could've just figured out how to let him go..."

After a hesitation, Logan admitted, "I can't argue that. But _you_ didn't kill him; your actions did."

"Same difference! It's because of me!"

"He wasn't exactly innocent in all this either, you know. He brought a lot of it on himself, if the way you told the story is true."

"It's true, Logan, I swear. I didn't make anything up."

"Did you leave anything out?"

"Nothing that really matters. I was a psycho freak. Obsessed with him."

"It's called co-dependency, and it's not all that uncommon."

James shook his head in frustration, some of the fire coming back. "Don't make excuses for me. He's dead because I called him, because I jumped out of that car."

"I'm not arguing that, but you were co-dependent on him. Basically it means that your entire world revolved around him, that you didn't know how to be your own person, that you couldn't even allow him to have the life he wanted if it didn't include you."

"I left him, though," James argued. "I found the courage to do that."

"You did." Nodding, Logan agreed, "You finally had enough. Everyone has their breaking point."

"Why couldn't he just move on and forget about me? Why did he keep coming back into my life? I would've been fine and he wouldn't be dead."

"You can't know that, James. If not you, it might've been somebody else. A random stranger. And besides..." Logan tilted James' chin up and ran a thumb over his lips. "You wouldn't have come to me. I'm sorry that he died, and I'm sorry for everything you've been through, but I'm not sorry that you're here right now."

"Logan, how can you say all that after hearing the kind of person I was? I was crazy. I was...obsessed!"

With a soft smirk, Logan said, "I remember something you said right after we met. At the hospital, you told me that when you see something you like, you find a way to get it. And yet with me, you still respected my wishes, you didn't push too hard after I asked you not to. You kept your distance, as much as you were able to. That shows me right there that you aren't that person anymore, that you've grown and changed. I'm sure you learned from your mistakes. And I uh...I kind of like that you wanted me badly enough to not give up, no matter how often I tried to tell you this might not ever happen. I was worth the fight."

"Every time, Logan. Every time. But I don't deserve you." His voice was pained, as if he knew it would be ripped away from him, just like everything he'd ever loved had been in the past.

"Here's what you need to understand, James. Are you listening to me?" James sighed, obviously feeling that whatever Logan had to say was ridiculous, so Logan shifted him until they were facing each other, James still on Logan's lap. "Now," he continued. "Are you listening?"

"Just...say whatever you need to say."

Logan waited until James was looking back at him, then nodded once. "There's a part of me that still fears you'll forget. I think that since you opened up about it, since you finally trusted someone enough to let me in, you're probably stable now. But that's not guaranteed."

"I don't want to leave you. I don't ever plan to, if...well, whatever you decide."

"James..." Logan hesitated, trying to figure out how to put it all into words, and then said, "My decision was made the day you asked me to marry you. _Before_ that, probably, but that's when I knew for sure that no matter what happened, I wasn't going to let you go. I was afraid you'd leave me, and if you had decided to for someone else, for someone you left behind, then I would have let you go. There is no one, though. It's just you and me. And you need to understand that it doesn't matter if you forget again. It doesn't matter if you run. I'm going to find you, James Diamond. I'm going to chase after you and hunt you down and prove to you time and time again that you're worth it, that you're worth every bit of the love I have to offer."

It was almost too much, Logan could see that, could see James fighting what he was hearing because he was so afraid to believe that finally someone loved him enough to do that. Cupping Logan's cheek with shaking fingers, James asked in wonder, "How are you so perfect?"

"I'm not perfect," Logan disagreed. "I have jealousy issues and hate messes more than is healthy and I don't talk to my family and friends enough and...I could go on and on. There's a lot that I need to work on in my life but what I am is perfect for _you_. There's not been anyone you trusted enough to kiss for a long time. That asshole at the home doesn't count, he's not even a blip on the radar. And maybe all of this happened because you were ready to stop running and I happened to be there, but-"

"No, it's _you_," James interrupted. "It's not just because you were there, it's because you were...you. Perfect. I still don't deserve you, but all I want is to keep you forever, because with you I'm never alone. I see it now, see the difference and how what I had with Luke wasn't love. He was right about that, it was more worship than anything else. I had him on this pedestal and I just...I was blind."

"Tell me something." Logan bit his lip, wondering how to ask this. "You said he would watch you sometimes. That there were signs he wanted you. How much of that is because you wanted it to be true? Was there really a part of him that you think desired you?"

"Look, Logan, I know I was delusional about a lot of shit. I know that now. But about him wanting me..." Shaking his head, James was adamant. "No. I know what it looks like when someone wants me. I knew him better than anyone. I'm telling you, he wanted me. And the night he gave in, the night I broke him down? He was screaming my name like...like he couldn't even think about anything else. Maybe it was the drug, I don't know, but it's not like he was imagining I was someone else. It was all me. And he loved it. He kept telling me how amazing I was, how he'd never felt like that, and yeah—his senses were on overload, but I will never believe that he didn't enjoy it. He wanted me."

_Doesn't everyone?_ Logan didn't know how it was possible for anyone to resist James, especially for as long as Luke did. "I believe you."

"You do?" Eyes widening, James asked, "Why?"

"Because it's you," he chuckled. "Even Faith talks about how hot you are. You're something special, and I don't think anyone could resist you once you set your sights on him. Or her."

"You resisted me forever. I understand why, but you held out for a long time."

"It wasn't easy," Logan smiled. "But I'm glad I finally gave in."

"Me, too." James' eyes traveled up and down Logan's face, that wonder back, and it was no surprise when James once again asked, "How are you so perfect?"

"Perfect for _you_," Logan corrected again. "And you're worth fighting for. Luke had his reasons for pushing you away, and while some of them might have been noble, I have to say he was an idiot. I won't make that mistake."

James laid his head on Logan's shoulder again, Logan reaching up to pet his hair. "There's still so much I have to do. I don't know how. I can't face Carlos and his parents. They'll hate me, more than they do already. And Nina, God, she didn't deserve any of this. And how do I look at that poor kid and think that he'll never know his father because of me?"

Logan didn't have an answer for that. He couldn't imagine what James was feeling, the overwhelming guilt and sadness for things he had caused and couldn't change. "I don't know, James. We're gonna do it, though, so you can move on. And for them, too, because they deserve the truth."

"Yeah."

There was silence as they thought it all over, Logan shifting them so that he was on his back and James was lying over him with Logan's arms tight around him. He would have to let James decide how to handle this.

"So...what do I do now?" James asked finally.

"What does your heart tell you to do?"

"Go make this right. As right as I can."

Lips pressed to James' hair, Logan replied, "I'll take a leave from work. Don't even think about arguing," he added, because already James' head had shot up and he'd opened his mouth to do just that. "You're not going without me."

"What if they have me arrested? It's what I deserve."

"I'm not so sure about that. I know why you feel it's your fault, and I think to a degree it is, but I don't know that you can be held accountable for his death. He was the driver."

"Yeah, but it was my fault."

"Again—did you put a gun to his head?"

"No," James sighed, "but-"

"You didn't drive him into that tree. If he'd pulled the car over-"

"Logan, stop. Just stop making excuses for me."

"I admit that jumping out of the car wasn't the brightest move, but he should've let you out when you asked him to. He shouldn't have used you to make him money in the first place. You're right, he taught you everything you know. And took advantage of you."

"It was my choice, all of it. I wanted so badly to impress him."

"And he knew that, James. He knew. He saw an opportunity and he took it. I'm sure he cared about you, but it wasn't enough for him to do the right thing. And I'm sorry, I know it hurts to hear that."

"You know..." James pursed his lips, thinking. "It doesn't hurt as badly as I would have thought. He wasn't the same person in the end. I mean, I'm proud that he cleaned up and wanted to be a good father, I'm glad he turned around, but when he started telling me I was wrong to be gay...and then Carlos, too? That wasn't right. He and Carlos were never all that close, but they were still brothers. They still loved each other. When I saw Carlos at the club that night, he was so happy. He was like...bubbling over. He kept talking about Kendall and about how they had these plans, and it made me sad in a way because I didn't have that and I felt like I never would. But he was happy. I don't understand how anyone, especially his brother, could find that wrong or disgusting."

"I don't either, James. I've never been into religion for that exact reason, that it doesn't make sense to me. I know people who have faith and most of them are great, I don't have a problem. But there are those who take it too far and when I become an abomination to them, that's when I can't stand it. Obviously I don't believe it's wrong to love another man," he smiled, happy when he saw James' lips tug up as well.

"Because you love me."

"Because I love you."

They laid together for another few minutes, James feeling the need to start the process and get it all over with but unwilling to move just yet. He was at peace in Logan's arms, or at least as much as he could be with a giant secret hanging over his head. Logan's mind worked, running it all through again, and eventually he asked, "When did you live on the street?"

"Oh. In Casper. Just for about a week, I felt too guilty facing Denise and lying to her so I stayed out all night. Jim took me in, though, once he realized I had nowhere to go. I feel kind of bad, he was a nice enough guy, he just wasn't what I wanted. Or maybe I wasn't ready then, I don't know. You were the perfect guy and I was ready, so..."

"Everything happens for a reason," Logan agreed. "You're not going to get past this and decide you don't need me anymore, right? That I served my purpose and helped you face it and-"

"I'm always gonna need you, Logan. Always."

Satisfied, Logan relaxed. "See? You're not the only one obsessed and psycho. I'm the one who said I'd hunt you down if you tried to leave me."

"So we're a perfect match."

"Pretty much," Logan chuckled, hugging James tighter.

"I still think you can do better."

"And I still think I wouldn't even want to try. There is no one better for me. Someday you'll believe that and know you're worth it. That's the someday _I'm_ holding out for."

"You know what's crazy about you, Logan?" James lifted his head and stared down at Logan, expression showing that he didn't understand this. "You'd honestly wait for me. If I do end up going to jail, you'll wait for me. You'll move to Minnesota and get a job there and come see me whenever you can."

"Absolutely."

"And that's crazy."

"Why?"

"Because! You have a life here! You have the job you've always wanted and you're amazing at it, I hear enough at the hospital to tell me that. Everyone talks about how awesome you are and you're so loved and...why would you want to leave that?"

"Because," Logan smirked, lifting his head to kiss James on the nose. "Wherever I go, I'll do an amazing job. I'll do what I was meant to do. If I stayed here, I'd come home to an empty apartment and miss you so much I couldn't stand it. During the day I'd probably be okay, work would distract me. At night, though...no. I couldn't handle it. I'd probably fly there in the middle of the night and break down the prison gates to get to you."

"Shut up, you would not," James laughed, but he loved hearing it.

"At least if I'm there, I have you near enough to visit. As often as I could, I'd be there. And eventually you'll come back to me. My mom and best friend are in Minnesota, James. Out here I have a few friends but...moving back there wouldn't be a horrible thing. And I wouldn't be alone when I miss you. Knowing Kendall, he'd take me out and try to cheer me up. He's annoying like that."

"Logan..." Sighing, James sat up. He shifted so that his weight was on Logan's hips, and that was nothing new for them so it wasn't uncomfortable. "You realize...you might lose him because of me. He might hate me."

"If I do, then he's not the friend I think he is. I would understand him being upset with you on Carlos' behalf, but he's smart enough to know I have no blame in this. He won't ditch me. Believe it or not, everything doesn't revolve around you," Logan teased. "We were friends before you came along."

"How come you two never got together? Just because he moved?"

"Yeah. I mean...we were great friends, and I guess you could call him my first boyfriend even though that only lasted a few weeks after he moved, but Kendall and I are both...we need someone to take care of, I guess. He found a new guy, who I can only assume is Carlos, and I threw myself into graduating early and getting into medical school. And then there was you, and you were everything I needed. Some people aren't meant to be more than friends."

"Like me and Luke."

"Or like you and Carlos. You loved each other but that spark wasn't there, right?"

"Right. I just hope he can love me again someday. I was horrible to him, I ditched him when he'd always been this awesome guy who was there for me. I fucked up so bad. And now he has even more reason to hate me."

"Let's worry about that when we have to. Can you tell me what else you remember? What happened after you ran that night? How did you get to Wyoming?"

"Some of it is still fuzzy, but I hitched all the way to Wyoming. I was running but I didn't know what from, and I just kept hitching rides to get farther away. Probably fucked my way there, I don't even know. But I got there and I remember sitting in a coffee shop and trying to figure out how to make some money or find another ride. One of the guys I hitched with gave me a change of clothes, saw I had nothing. So even though I'd been traveling, I would clean up some in restrooms and I had a clean outfit and he'd even given me a little money to get by. I don't even remember his name but he was kind. But I was sitting there checking out this guy at the counter, wondering if I could get him to pay me for a blowjob, and then I started to wonder why I was thinking that way. Like...what kind of life had I come from where I automatically thought about blowing guys for money? And it all came back, just like that. I left some money on the table and ran out, just started running again, and the memories were too much. I couldn't handle it. I went into a drugstore and bought razor blades, had every intention of killing myself. I figured that if Luke couldn't live, I didn't deserve to, either. And it was my fault, so...I found a dark alley and remembered everything, let all the memories come, and I had nothing to live for. So I ended it. Or at least tried."

The way James spoke of it so easily was almost as scary as the knowledge Logan had come so close to losing him. "I thank God for that nurse."

"Yeah, she always used that alley as a shortcut. I told her once she was crazy, that it was a dangerous place for her to be alone at night, but she said the Lord would protect her. And as far as I know, He always did."

"At least we know where you learned your Bible knowledge, huh? Between her and Luke, you couldn't get away from it."

"It was mostly Denise. She'd tell me stories from the Bible during dinner. I always loved David most, because he screwed up royally and ended up doing what he could to repent. He sent a guy into battle knowing the guy would die, because he was selfish and wanted the guy's wife for himself. I think that even though I couldn't remember my past, I related to that, to being responsible for someone's death."

"I hope that one day you can forgive yourself, James. I know it's Carlos you're worried most about, but it's more important that you find it in your heart to forgive _yourself._ You can't really move on until you do."

Seeming to melt, James leaned down slowly and placed his hands above Logan's shoulders. "Just keep telling me every day that you love me and I'm worthy. One day I might actually believe it."

"It's true," Logan whispered, James' lips so close he ached to kiss them. "I love you and you're worthy of me." He kissed James' chin. "I love you, James." Another kiss, this time to the corner of his mouth, and James' breath caught. "I'm never letting you run again."

A desperate sound left James' lips just before they met Logan's, and the kiss was hungry even while somehow being the sweetest thing they'd ever shared. James kissed Logan as if still wondering how he'd managed to get so lucky, how he'd managed to win this man's love and devotion and praying above all else that he could have it forever. "Yours," Logan whispered, James' eyes falling closed as the kiss washed over him, and there was no rush for anything more. A kiss meant everything to these two men, said more than words or sex ever could, and for the next hour they laid together and said what needed to be said with nothing more than their mouths and the occasional fingers brushing over skin.

* * *

James carried Logan to bed eventually, where they spent another hour getting reacquainted. For the first time Logan felt like he was getting all of Joseph, or James rather, and there was nothing between them; James gave everything, Logan did the same, and when it was over Logan urged James to sleep. They could decide what to do in the morning.

Logan already knew what he would be doing. He'd have to wait until Monday to talk to his boss and give his notice of leave, and most likely there wouldn't be a job waiting for him when he returned—_if_ he returned. He was willing to sacrifice that for James, knowing that with his record he could work anywhere as long as he didn't leave the hospital on bad terms. He'd have to get a license to practice medicine in another state, but he wasn't worried about that.

His mother would be overjoyed to hear he was returning, even if only for a short time, and Logan wondered if James would want to live back home or here once he was free to do what he chose to. The probability that James would be jailed was slim, or at least Logan hoped, and he knew that James might actually prefer to pick up his life in Minnesota. It would all depend on Carlos, he supposed, though seeing the child Luke often might be too hard on James.

There really wasn't any point in dwelling on it all now since he had no control over it. Once James was asleep, Logan grabbed his phone and went to the kitchen, snacking on some cookies and milk while putting a call through to Kendall. It was the middle of the night there but he didn't think Kendall would mind or would be sleeping all too soundly anyway.

"Hey, Logan." He'd been asleep after all, Logan could hear it in his voice.

"I'm sorry to call so late. We had a lot to talk about."

"What's going on? No, wait. Let me...hang on."

Logan waited, hearing the sounds of a bed creaking and a door shutting quietly before Kendall was back. "Let me get to the kitchen."

"Is he there?"

"Yeah, he's sleeping. He has to be up early tomorrow."

"I'm sorry."

"It's fine, he's going crazy wondering if that's James, though. It is, right?"

"Yeah." Taking a deep breath, Logan said, "He remembers everything. Finally."

"Where's he been for three years?"

"All over. I know you probably can't understand this, but he didn't have any control over the memory loss. He would start to remember and his brain would shut down every time because he couldn't handle the truth. It's called-"

"I know about that, at least some. We studied it in psych classes. But he remembers everything now?"

"Yes." Logan bit into another cookie before adding, "And I don't think he'll forget again. Even if he does, I'm here to remind him. I'm not abandoning him, Kendall."

After a pause, Kendall said, "Sounds like you think I'll expect you to. I didn't say anything. I don't even really know what was going on. I mean, I knew Luke of course, he started coming to see Carlos a lot right before he died. He had given up all the bad stuff, you know? I think he kept trying to convert Carlos to his religion, though. He'd take Carlos away and talk, and when Carlos came home he was usually annoyed. It takes a lot to annoy Carlos."

Unsurprised by any of this, Logan said, "I can imagine. And I know you have a lot of questions but it's not for me to tell. We're coming to see you guys."

"You are?" That was the last thing Kendall expected to hear.

"Yeah. I have to talk to my boss on Monday, but I'm taking a leave from work. Not sure how long we'll be out there. And um...I'll need your advice."

"What sort of advice?"

"Uh...the legal kind. You know the laws there, I assume."

"Much of them. Logan, _did_ he have something to do with that crash?"

Logan debated, but sensed that Carlos would tell him everything anyway. "Yes. Please allow James to explain everything, though. Don't let Carlos hate him until he hears the whole story."

Kendall sighed. "Carlos doesn't hate James. He's been worried he was dead all this time. Thought James killed himself or something when Luke died."

"He came close. But uh...there's a lot that Carlos doesn't know, I'm sure. James wants to talk to him, and to the family, too. He's ready to face everything and ready for whatever punishment is coming to him, we only ask that you guys are patient and wait for us. Just let James explain everything and then whatever happens, happens."

"Damn, that sounds ominous. Okay. I'll tell Carlos that you guys will be here Monday. We'll set aside the evening, does that work?"

"Yeah, that's perfect. He's so scared, Kendall, more of Carlos I think than of anything else. He's desperate for Carlos to forgive him."

"I can't make any promises, Logan."

"I know. I wouldn't expect you to. But I may be moving back home, and if I do, I hope you and I can be friends even if Carlos and James can't."

"We'll always be friends, dude. It might be awkward if our husbands hate each other, but we'll figure something out."

"Our husbands," Logan smiled. "I like the sound of that."

"Me, too. He show you the rings yet?"

Logan blinked, wondering if he'd heard right.

"Shit. Shit, forget I said that. You didn't hear anything."

"What rings, Kendall?"

"No, I—shit."

"There are rings?"

"If I'd been thinking I would've realized it's too soon for them to get there. Just...shit. Does he still want to marry you, after remembering everything?"

"As far as I know. It's not like I'm giving him a choice. He asked me, he's stuck with me now."

There was a heavy sigh, Logan imagining Kendall rubbing his face. "We were looking at rings the other night when you came home. I showed him the place I bought ours at, and even though we're not planning to get married for a while I wanted to do that. It's one of the reasons I'm broke," Kendall chuckled. "But it's worth it. When the time comes, I'll have them ready."

"Does Carlos know that?"

"Yeah, but he hasn't seen them. I refuse to show him. Pisses him off but he's just happy to know it's going to happen someday."

"Someday," Logan echoed, that word meaning so much in their lives. "He bought us rings?"

"I think so. We were looking again the day of your party. Your mom was helping, too."

"Jesus," Logan remarked, his chest warm with a sudden rush of love for James. "I need to go back to bed. Tell Carlos he's welcome to call me if he has any questions, but I'm not telling him anything about the past. That's between him and James."

"James. It's weird to hear you call him that."

"It's weird to call him that," Logan agreed. "But that's who he is. And I love him either way."

"Go take care of your man," Kendall smiled. "Let me know when we can expect you Monday."

"I will. Thanks, Kendall. For...everything."

"Anytime. Goodnight."

"Night."

When Logan slid into bed and pulled James close, he opened his eyes and gazed at Logan blearily. "Where'd you go?"

"I called Kendall. Told him we'll be there Monday."

Blinking as he tried to wake up some, James asked, "Why not tomorrow?"

"My boss won't be in until Monday. I have tomorrow off, thought we could spend the day at the beach before...you know."

James smiled, tears creeping up.

"No crying. We're going to go out tomorrow and have a good time, enjoy the California sunshine for one more day before we head home and see what fate has in store for us."

"You're amazing," James whispered. "How did I get so lucky?"

"It's not luck, beautiful. It's meant to be. You still want to marry me, right?"

"Hell yes! I don't know how long we'll have to wait for it to be legal, but when this is all over, when we can plan a future together...yes. I will make you mine."

"I already am," Logan grinned, kissing James softly. "And I think we need to take a later flight Monday. I can talk to my boss early, but we should hang out here as long as we can before flying out."

"Why?" James asked suspiciously.

"You never know what might show up in the mail, right?"

"That motherfucking—he told you, didn't he?"

"Don't be mad, he didn't mean to. It slipped out."

"It was supposed to be a surprise! I don't even know when I would've told you, because I know how you are and you like to think things through before taking a step, but-"

"When it comes to you, James, I don't think anything through. It's frustrating and it drives me crazy but logic and James Diamond don't mix. I just follow my heart with you, spend forever fighting it until I can't anymore and end up giving in. So let's see what happens in Minnesota, figure out the next step, and when the time is right, we'll get married."

"You do realize we've only known each other for like two months, right? I mentioned that to your mom while we were looking at rings, and she said it was a concern of hers, but that she could tell we were right for each other. She could see how happy I make you and that was enough. She sat right down with us and told us which ones she thought you'd like."

Logan pictured that, the three most important people in his life discussing him and deciding what his wedding ring should look like. It was almost enough to bring him to tears. "She's awesome. How would you like to have a real mom in your life?"

"As long as you come with the package, I think it sounds perfect." They kissed briefly before James asked, "Are we crazy to plan a life together, Logan? We don't even know what's going to happen."

"What we do know that is that our feelings aren't going to change. I guess anything's possible, but I can guarantee that I will always love you. That much isn't going to change no matter what happens. Can you say the same?"

"Yes. God, yes."

"Okay, then. We spend tomorrow at the beach, where I will force you to stop thinking long enough to enjoy yourself. Monday we go forward to face your past, and if it's decided you need to be arrested, we'll deal with it."

"Even if Carlos doesn't feel that way, his dad will."

"We'll see. We'll wait it out if we have to. And then? Our someday."

James smiled, lifting a hand to frame Logan's face. "Our someday. We'll get there."

"I love you, James. I always will."

They were the words James cherished above all others, especially when Logan spoke them, because Logan meant it. He didn't know why, and he didn't know how, but Logan loved him. Everything else would work itself out.


	24. Chapter 24

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the characters taken from Big Time Rush and placed into this story. I make no money off this.

**Author's Notes:**

Another one of those "I will probably regret posting this after midnight when I'm so tired" chapters but I gave it a good looking over yesterday and I think it's okay. This chapter was hard, took a lot of rewrites to get it where I wanted it and I struggled with it but I have to say that even the way it stands now, it's going to shift again somewhat. Things are not quite finished and it's not over, no matter how badly Logan wants it to be. There are still things James will have to face.

I think there are about two more chapters after this one. Possibly three, but most likely two. Thank you for sticking with me, if you're still here. :)

Huge thank you to **Aranelle** and **jdmazz** for quick turnarounds with the beta stuff. I know they have lives and fic of their own but they're wonderful about taking time to read this over for me and give me feedback/advice. I love them so much. Ha, it's also funny that my two betas are Kames girls.

Also THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YOU. YES, YOU. I LOVE YOU.

About a year ago I wrote a story for **kathrynew30**, it was a gift for our one-year friendiversary. The James Diamond in this story is taken directly from that one, though he suffered no amnesia in it. So for that reason, I dedicate this to Kathryn.

I also must dedicate it to **joyousbrokenthing**, who is entirely to blame for this being written at all. She tweeted me one night about a vision of Logan as a scientist building a robot James. This story is of course not that at all, but it got me thinking about a situation where Logan basically helps put James back together and within fifteen minutes I had this story pretty much written in my head. I wasn't planning to write a Jagan next, but it wouldn't leave me alone so here we are. Thanks a lot, Tammy.

XXXXX

Logan laid awake for a long time after James finally dropped off to sleep, being drained from the emotional day but safe for the moment in Logan's arms. Logan's mind was spinning with all the new information but there was one thought that repeated itself and swam to the forefront time and again.

_He's mine. There is no one else, there is no baby, there is no one but me. I'm not going to lose him. He's mine._

Since the very first day they met, Logan had forced himself to accept that there might come a time when James would no longer be part of his life. He'd kept his distance for that reason (or attempted to, anyway) and even after uncovering pieces of the puzzle there had been that fear.

It was gone, though. Obsolete. True, there was a chance he might still lose James for a time, but that was temporary. Logan would wait, James would come back to him, and they would have their someday.

_Someday. It's closer than it's ever been. Our someday._

His lips pressed to James' forehead briefly and he smiled in the dark. It wasn't lost on Logan that James had repeated some of his behaviors from his time with Luke. In some ways Logan supposed he was a replacement, and yet he was different. He loved James in a way Luke never had, in a way no one ever had, in fact. He knew there was a rough road ahead of them, he knew having James as a boyfriend wouldn't be easy and might even be downright aggravating at times. But unlike Luke, Logan found James worth it, worth every second of heartache and frustration he'd endured and even the hardships he would continue to endure in the future.

And one day, when it was legal and the time was right, Logan would publicly claim James as his own. He would make use of the rings in the presence of those who loved them-his mother, Faith, Tommy, Allen, possibly even Brad. Would Kendall and Carlos be there as well? That was the million dollar question. Logan simply didn't know what to expect, mostly because he didn't know Carlos; both James and Kendall seemed to fear that Carlos would be less than forgiving, and while Logan would understand Carlos' pain and anger, he also hoped James and Carlos could one day rebuild their friendship. Allen had proved to be a good friend to James, but like Faith he wasn't that one true friend you could tell your deepest darkest secrets to without fear of judgment; for Logan that friend was Kendall, for James it had been Carlos.

_Our husbands._The words still made Logan smile. He hugged James tighter to him and kissed his hair, suddenly needing to see those bright eyes full of love for him. Shaking James gently, Logan waited until he'd opened his eyes to tip his face down. "Hey," Logan smiled.

"What's wrong?" James asked, gaze a little dull but with fear creeping up.

"Nothing. I just needed to tell you how much I love you. It's a lot."

James blinked at him a few times, surprised by the silly smile on Logan's face; it was so un-Logan-like, almost goofy. The words sank in then, Logan seeing it when James melted in his arms. "I love you, too. Always will."

Satisfied, Logan lifted his lips for a soft kiss. "Goodnight, handsome stranger."

A huge grin stretched across James' face. "Goodnight, cutie."

For the remainder of the night, they slept peacefully and without any nightmares.

XXX

The next morning they rose early and after packing a picnic lunch, headed out to the ocean. Like James had done for him, Logan was determined to make it the best day ever for James.

There was surfing in the early morning hours, James showing a natural talent for it and this time more familiar with the board while Logan sat on the sand and pretended to read but instead drooled over the perfection in the water. Around noon they dug into the lunch they'd brought along, James happily munching on the ever-present cookies while Logan refrained from yelling at him for eating dessert before the real food.

After lunch they napped under an umbrella, cuddled up together on a blanket and enjoying what might soon be coming to an end, the opportunities to do just that. James woke feeling frisky and Logan had to remind him they were in public, but after twenty minutes Logan could no longer resist James' advances so dragged their entire set-up to a spot hidden near the cliffs and there James let go, the sounds of the ocean muted like their cries when they clung to each other desperately. It was one of those moments when it was so good it almost brought Logan to tears and he prayed it would never end, panting and trying to keep his fears and sadness for the future at bay when it inevitably did. Logan suggested they go out in the water again but James surprised him by stating he'd rather just lay there together, couldn't they do that instead?

Logan had no problem with that at all.

Neither wanted to leave but around four their physical hunger was too strong to fight (the other hunger having been satisfied repeatedly throughout the afternoon) and so they packed up before driving home and while James showered, Logan made travel arrangements for the following day and called his mother to inform her of their impending visit. She was ecstatic, of course, but understood it might not be a happy trip; he waited to mention that he might be moving back to the state.

Logan knew where he wanted to take James for the evening but asked James to pick, figuring he'd be dying to have his beloved nachos one last time before the trip. When James' answer was instead Pietro's, though, Logan pulled him close and kissed him. "I love you so much."

"Is that okay? Would you rather go somewhere else?"

"No," Logan smiled. "That's exactly what I wanted."

And so they cuddled through dinner, James holding Logan against him with a strong arm as if protecting him from the world, and it was everything Logan needed. Their conversation was sparse, the two alternately laughing and becoming more serious while sharing plates of their standby pizza and lasagna. Logan kept remembering their first dinner there, the date that wasn't a date but really was, and how badly they'd wished to return home for a night of lovemaking. Tonight they would.

XXXX

They rose early to prepare for the trip, packing before each spent an hour on the phone with various people. Logan called Dr. Coates and Faith, updating each of them on James' situation without going into detail and asking Faith to thank Stacy and her mother for their aid to James when he was lost and scared. He informed Dr. Coates that they might be moving to Minnesota but if they didn't, James would be in to see her because no matter where they lived, he would need help to deal with his grief and guilt. Logan could only do so much on his own.

He also placed a call to Detective Monroe, saying only that Joseph had finally remembered his past and the case could be closed. As his fingerprints and DNA had turned up nothing, and he hadn't shown up at all in the open missing persons cases, Monroe let it go at that; they were far too busy to be dealing with someone who no longer needed their help anyway.

James wanted Allen to know that he'd remembered everything, as well as the fact that he'd been lying to Allen all that time about his past. He didn't give specifics but explained that he'd suffered memory loss for three years and apologized for all of the lies he'd told. Allen was as understanding as Logan had hoped he would be and said he looked forward to the day they could meet up again and James (that was weird for him, calling him a name other than Jacob) would be able to tell the story of his life. Logan watched James on the phone with Allen, not out of jealousy but out of concern, and soon realized the tears that threatened were due to relief and gratitude that he hadn't lost this friend even though he stood to lose Carlos. Then again, how long had it been since James had been able to count Carlos as a friend?

For some things in life, though, the passing of time meant nothing; Logan and Kendall had barely communicated for over five years but managed to return to that easy friendship immediately upon reconnecting. Logan sensed that if Carlos could find it in his heart to forgive James, they would have a similar experience.

It all hinged on Carlos. Logan didn't speak it aloud, but his fear of Carlos was great. Carlos knew the laws, had every reason to want any kind of vengeance he could find for his brother's death, and would understand immediately that James was technically to blame for the loss of Luke. He and his father could find a way to make James pay if they chose to, and Logan could beg and plead but really he had no say. He supposed he was biased, but still prayed they would be understanding of James' situation. His biggest fear was that James would refuse to speak ill of Luke in any way and would therefore seal his fate.

"Hey," Logan called out to James in passing after James had concluded his phone call.

"Yeah?" Drawn to Logan as always, James stepped closer and took his hands.

"Be honest with Carlos. Make sure you tell him what you told me, that Luke took advantage of you. Don't make him out to be a saint just because you feel guilty."

James' silence showed Logan that he was struggling.

"James," Logan said softly, "you have to defend yourself. This is not entirely your fault and if you make it out to be, they won't have any sympathy for you."

"Maybe I don't deserve sympathy. Maybe I deserve whatever punishment is coming to me."

"And maybe if you don't stand up for yourself, you'll end up in a place where we can't be together for years. Think of it that way."

The words hit home, James' face falling as the idea sank in.

"I don't want to lose you," Logan reasoned, reaching up to place a hand on James' cheek. "If you can't do it for yourself, do it for me. Don't I deserve the chance to hold on to you? To spend every night with you and wake up in your arms?"

"Yes," James whispered, gaze tortured. "You deserve that more than anyone."

"Keep that in mind when you're talking to Carlos tonight. Tell him everything. If he's the kind of person you and Kendall say he is, he'll know that you were desperate. You didn't act in a rational manner and you might have been a little crazy over Luke, but he pushed you to that point. He made you what you were then."

"But I shouldn't have-"

"_Enough._ You made poor choices. You've learned from them. Going to jail for years isn't going to do you any good in that area, because you know what you've done and you're ready to make up for it in whatever way you can. There's not a lot you can do to make it better, but what you can do, you will. That's what matters. And when you start to feel like you deserve whatever punishment is coming your way, think of me. I don't deserve to be left alone and waiting. You're worth it and I'd do it for the rest of my life, but I'd rather not have to. I love you and I want to spend my life with you, right next to you in everything we do. Make that happen for me, James. Make it so that when I open my eyes every morning, the first thing I see is your smile and the first thing I hear is you saying you love me."

"I love you," James said suddenly, then they smiled at each other even while trepidation ran through them for the uncertainty of their future.

"I love you, too," Logan replied, lifting up to kiss him gently. "And I need you to rock my world every night. Think you can handle that?"

Laughing, James answered, "Every night, every morning, every lunch break. Think _you_ can handle that?"

"I'd sure like to find out. Make it happen."

James nodded slowly, a look of such tenderness and adoration coming over his face that Logan's stomach flipped over. He wanted that look forever, wanted everything that came with it. Hugging James tight, they stood together and simply held on.

XXXX

Logan was able to handle the time off work over the phone, spending an hour discussing the situation with his immediate supervisor and then the human resources department. He was granted a personal leave but informed there was a time limit on it, and if he chose not to return by that time he could not be guaranteed a position at the hospital. Stating he understood, Logan put the plan into effect. He was ready to do whatever it took to be at James' side through all of this.

The rings didn't arrive by the time they left, and though Logan was disappointed, he thought maybe that was best. While he'd wanted them as further proof to James that he would hold out and commit himself now to whatever sort of wait they might be in for, the fact that they weren't there seemed fitting. Once they did arrive, Logan felt it would be a step in moving on.

Most of the flight was spent catching up on the sleep they'd gone without the night before, Logan once again cuddled up against James and safe where he belonged. He knew James was tense and trying not to show it and when he felt it was too much he'd distract James with little things to make him smile or surprise him with a kiss, and it worked well for the most part.

At one point Logan was awoken from sleep by James' body jolting next to him before it erupted into shudders. His eyes were fixed to the screen of the movie being shown and Logan understood immediately when he took in the massive car crash playing out. He soothed James, who started getting snippy and irritable like a child who needed a nap. "Don't start this."

"Start what?"

"Don't get pissy with me and start pushing me away. I get scared when you do that."

"Logan, relax. I'm on a plane, how far can I run?"

"For miles, James. For miles. All in your mind. This is the hardest thing you've ever done and if anything is pushing your limits, it's this."

James relented then, understanding that Logan had a valid fear. "I'm fine. Haven't experienced any lost time or moments of confusion."

"Okay. If you start to, warn me?"

"Promise." James smiled then, a soft smile that was tender. Logan met the kiss coming his way.

"Did you ever figure out the triggers in San Francisco and Casper? What caused you to remember?"

"Oh. Yeah." James grimaced before tilting his head toward the big screen. "Car crashes both times."

"Really?"

Nodding, James replied, "In San Fran there was a big one right in front of us when we were walking home. Allen knew that shook me up, but not for the reasons he thought. I heard the noise and looked over at the street and had these flashes of Luke's accident. It didn't come back all at once, but little by little, and it scared me. I was an ass to him that night."

"I can imagine. And Casper?"

"That was actually on T.V. I was watching a movie with Jim, trying to figure out how to break it off with him and wondering if I could find a place of my own to rent, and there was a big crash. Same thing, started having flashes and he kept asking why I was being such a jerk but when that happens, it's all I can do keep hold of my own mind. I'm fighting with it, fighting to figure out what the hell's going on and when you guys bug me and ask a bunch of questions I end up snapping at you. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, I get it. Just keep in mind that when I bug you, it's because I love you and I'm trying to hold on to you."

"I know. I'm glad you feel I'm worth the fight."

"Every time," Logan grinned. "Who else am I going to find that gives such amazing blowjobs?"

When James laughed hard, Logan relaxed. They'd gotten past the danger zone for the moment. He was actually pretty sure they were past it completely, but it couldn't hurt to be prepared.

XXXX

Car rental was a breeze and then they were on their way to Logan's mother's apartment. After Logan moved she'd sold the big house, deciding a small apartment was all she needed for herself, and when they entered the place Logan immediately felt at home. Just being back in Minnesota was a wonderful feeling, even if it was a different area than he'd grown up in. He could see it on James' face as they drove, the same joy in coming home. Unlike Logan, James truly had returned to his childhood city.

Mrs. Mitchell greeted them both enthusiastically, James hugging her tight and swinging her around in a way that had Logan grinning from ear to ear. He had no doubt he was going to marry this man.

Logan excused himself to drop their suitcases in a spare bedroom, wondering again how long they might stay. They'd packed enough clothing for a week just in case, though if things went badly Logan would be returning to L.A. for many more supplies. He chose not to think about that for the moment and called Kendall instead.

"Hey, buddy. You guys make it?"

"Yeah, we're at Mom's now. Is Carlos home?"

"He will be soon. James doing okay?"

"I think so. He had a bad moment on the plane but I think he's ready to do this. He lost his memory again, Kendall. That's why he was in the hospital the other day. He remembered everything and then had an episode, but he managed to come back to me. I'm pretty sure that's over, and I know it will be once he faces Carlos. Until that moment, though-"

"Logan."

"-he's terrified and I'm so afraid he's going to do it again, just forget everything and-"

"_Logan._" When Logan's rambling stopped, Kendall continued, "Don't even go there. He came back to you once, he'll do it again. Just stay with him. Force him to focus on you."

"That's what I've been doing. I can't lose him again, Kendall. I can't." He'd had no idea how terrified he was until this moment, but of course Kendall had a way of making him open up. Kendall always had, perhaps because Logan never allowed himself to lean on anyone. Kendall was a natural rock, though, inviting others to confide in him without even trying.

"Then don't. Don't lose him. Get over here now and set this in motion and when it's over, you can both breathe again."

It was sound advice. Nodding, Logan asked, "How much does Carlos know?"

"He knows James suffered amnesia for three years. And he knows James was there that night. I had to tell him that much, I'm sorry."

"It's fine, I expected that. Is he angry?"

"He's...I'm not sure. He's not talking much about it, and that's not like him. I think he's afraid to hear it all, but at the same time he wants to. He needs closure, you know?"

"Yeah. They all do. This is such a mess, Kendall."

"I know. And if you need advice from a legal standpoint, I'm here. How sure are you he's going to need a lawyer?"

Logan bit his lip, not sure at all. "I honestly don't know. It's a gray area. He was at fault, but so was Luke. James wasn't driving the car, Luke was."

"But he caused the accident?"

"Indirectly, yes."

Kendall was quiet, considering. "I'll look into it. We decided to just do something quick at the house for dinner. Not sure how long you guys will be here, but you're welcome to join us for pizza."

"Let's see how it goes first. They might not even want to be in the same room when it's done."

"Okay. Come over anytime, Carlos will be home soon. And Logan?"

"Yeah?"

"He loves you. He's not going to forget you again. And neither will I. No matter what happens between them, you're still my nerdy little doctor friend that overreacts about everything."

Unable to help it, Logan dissolved into laughter as he sank onto the bed. "Shut up, hockeyhead."

"Not anymore."

"Like you don't go to every Wild game they play at home?"

"Uh...season passes."

"Exactly. We'll see you soon."

"I'll text you the address."

As Logan ended the call he reflected on how grateful he was to have people in his life who cared. He would hate to lose James for any amount of time, but at least he wouldn't be alone.

XXX

Holding hands as they approached the apartment door, they shared one kiss that was intended to be brief but since James didn't seem to want to let go and Logan could never fight James, it went on for quite a length of time. "You ready to do this?" Logan asked when they broke apart.

"Not really." Forehead resting against Logan's, James sighed. "But still no problems with my memory. I think it's finally over. I've remembered everything and embraced it instead of running away. I'm not afraid of the memories anymore. Just...the future."

"I know, love. You and me both." But Logan kissed him again, holding him there with hands on his face, and finally a minute later stepped back to nod at James. "I love you," he said before knocking on the plain white door.

"I love you, too. More than anything ever in my life." Hand securely back in Logan's, James turned to greet Kendall when the door swung open.

Kendall grinned before dragging Logan into the apartment and hugging him as if they hadn't just seen each other a few days before; it truly seemed like years had passed between Logan's birthday and this moment. He turned to James next, James unsure what sort of reception he would get, but Kendall hugged him as well and Logan watched as some of the tension left James.

"You guys staying at your mom's or did you get a hotel?"

"No, we're at Mom's for the duration of...whatever happens."

James was glancing around the living room, taking in the decorations and set-up of the place. "This place is so Carlos. I see him everywhere in it."

"Yeah," Kendall smiled, his eyes lighting up as he closed the door. "I let him do what he wants. Obviously there are a few touches of hockey memorabilia, but he likes hockey, too, so it works."

"You spoil him," Logan said suddenly with a smirk. "Why doesn't that surprise me?"

"I...simply let him have his fun." Only blushing slightly, Kendall shoved his hands into his pockets before changing the subject. "Thirsty? Pizza won't be here for another hour."

"I'm good," James replied, wandering now to take in all of the many pictures littering the room. He smiled as he stopped before each one, seemingly hungry for any kind of hint he could find of Carlos.

"He misses him," Logan whispered. "A lot more than I realized."

Kendall nodded. "I wish Carlos would talk more to me about what he's feeling. I've never had this problem with him, he just shuts down when we talk about it now. Ah, hang on." Kendall slid a phone out of his pocket, quickly killing the superhero music emanating from it and turning away from Logan to take the call. "Hey, babe."

Logan stepped up behind James, who was currently staring at a framed picture of Carlos, Luke Jr., and a woman he assumed was Nina. Luke was sitting on Carlos' shoulders in this one, tiny fingers curled into Carlos' short hair to hold on. "It's amazing how much he resembles Carlos," James said softly. "I see more of him than Luke in that face."

"That happens a lot, actually. As the child ages he takes on more traits of his parents, but as a toddler it's usually the aunts and uncles they look most like. Strange, isn't it?"

"It's just weird. I met Carlos when we were like five, and he looked a lot like this kid. Logan, I miss him so much. I never missed him back then, never let myself think about it because I felt guilty for just ditching him and figured he hated me. Then he showed up at my birthday party and I wanted so badly to have him back but...there was Kendall, and I was living a life he didn't approve of."

"You aren't anymore." Sliding his arms around James' waist from behind, Logan lifted up slightly to kiss the back of his neck. "You might be able to get that back."

"Yeah, not counting on that. What's Nina like?" James asked suddenly, spinning to find Kendall.

Hanging up the call, Kendall raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean? You met her, right?"

"Yeah, but like...what's she like now? Is she bitter? Angry?"

"No, not at all. I remember a period of depression after Luke died, and there were concerns for the baby because of it. He was born a little prematurely but did pretty well, obviously. She was depressed again once the baby was born, but Carlos and I helped out as much as we could, and of course so did her family and Carlos' parents. That kid is more loved than most who have _two_ parents. I'm sure there's a lot of pain we don't see, because Nina's a strong person and keeps a lot of it to herself, but...her outlook is surprisingly good. I think her faith helps her a lot with that."

"How is it she doesn't mind you two but Luke did?" Logan wanted to know. "They went to the same church, right?"

Frowning, Kendall drew his eyebrows together. "Mind us how?"

"You know, the gay thing." Logan sensed James watching Kendall closely and reached back for his hand.

"Nina's never had a problem with us being gay. At least...not as far as I know. Not every religious person does. Why would you think that?"

It occurred to Logan then that Carlos had never shared Luke's prejudice, had kept it from Kendall. He remembered Kendall saying something about Luke trying to convert Carlos to his religion and how that had annoyed Carlos, but there had been more to their talks, he was sure.

James took over before Logan could answer. "Because Luke told me before he died that it was wrong to be gay. He wanted me to come to church with him, to...fix me. And he said he was working on Carlos, too."

Blinking in shock, Kendall cocked his head and said, "Excuse me?"

James nodded. "Yeah. I got pissed at him, told him he was an asshole because his own brother was the best person I'd ever known and he was gay. How dare he say anything bad about Carlos?"

"Really." Kendall let that digest. "And uh...what was his reaction?"

"Just that he was working on Carlos. That you were a nice guy and all, but it wasn't right."

"Really," Kendall repeated, hands slipping into the pockets of his jeans as he thought the new information over.

Logan could see that Kendall was more hurt than anything else, but there was anger showing through it, too. "You don't get any of that from Nina?"

"Uh, no. She's wonderful, treats us like...well, family. She's never once made me feel awkward or ashamed of it. What the fuck was Luke's problem?"

"I assumed it was the church," James shrugged. "He said they learned at church that it's wrong."

"Oh, but it's right to knock your girlfriend up before marriage?" Kendall sneered, and Logan had a moment of déjà vu. That had been James' exact reaction.

"Right?" James asked incredulously. "What kind of shit is that? I'm sorry, I loved Luke more than anyone, but he was a fucking hypocrite. I wanted to punch him just for saying anything bad about Carlos, because who can hate Carlos? He's just...Carlos!"

Kendall was nodding, a small smile playing at his lips. "He's pretty amazing."

A key slid into the lock just then and Logan felt it, the rigidness taking over James' body. His fingers were squeezed painfully tight but he didn't complain, squeezing back in an attempt to show that he was right here and not going anywhere. "It's okay," he whispered.

James disagreed. He was filled with terror, breaths coming quickly, and Logan glanced up to make sure there were no signs of fainting on the horizon. James' eyes were dark green, the way they always were when he was feeling something intense. Logan hated that James was shaking, he could feel it through James' touch and because he knew James so well, but James stood his ground and simply waited for fate to have its way with him.

Kendall was closest to the door and when it swung open, the sight of his fiancé brought an immediate smile to his lips. Carlos was dressed in full uniform, seemingly bigger than life in spite of his small frame. The huge grin was missing, though, the dancing eyes that Logan had seen in the video he'd filmed in the grocery store nowhere to be found. Logan had been under the impression that Carlos was unable to hide his feelings, but at the moment there was no hint of his thoughts, at least until Kendall's voice broke the silence.

"Hey, gorgeous."

There was a smirk then, Carlos' face flushing as he closed the door and glanced up at Kendall. "Hey, sexy."

Perhaps because of James' own behavior when Kendall had visited, Kendall had no qualms about kissing Carlos right in front of them, giving him the sort of greeting James usually gave Logan. It relaxed Logan some, because he knew that when he kissed James it did wonders for James' peace of mind. Hopefully Kendall could do the same for Carlos.

James' terror was up another notch now that Carlos was physically in the room, but when Logan glanced up to reassure him what was even more apparent than fear was longing—not the sort of longing James often felt for Logan, but a longing all the same. He was dying to hug Carlos, to receive any sort of signal that Carlos missed him as well.

Finally Carlos managed to break away from Kendall, breathless as Logan usually was after a greeting from James. He was smiling now, though, as Kendall turned him to face them. "This is Logan," Kendall beamed.

"Oh, that guy who's the best thing that ever lived?" Carlos teased, approaching Logan and James slowly. They stood behind a couch, Logan feeling that it was a barrier of sorts but it seemed to make James feel better to have something between them and Carlos.

"Uh, no," Kendall disagreed. "That would be you."

Logan rolled his eyes because really they were sickeningly sweet, but thinking back to James' sappy comments at times he understood completely. He held out his hand and Carlos gripped it over the back of the sofa. "Nice to officially meet you, Carlos."

"You, too. Guess Christmas came early this year."

Chuckling, Logan nodded before squeezing James' hand again with his free one. James was a mass of tension next to him. "And you know James."

For the first time since entering the room, Carlos' gaze swung to the taller man he'd grown up with. "Hey," he muttered tightly.

James swallowed. "Hey."

"You uh...you look great. I haven't seen you look this good since...no, I don't think I've ever seen you look this good. You look healthy. Alive."

James' lips tugged into a smirk. "You're still short."

"Fuck you," Carlos muttered, but then he laughed and James was giggling as well, this obviously being an old joke between them. The tension in the room dissipated quickly, and though there was still a lot to cover, Logan breathed an inner sigh of relief. Carlos was laughing—that was a good sign.

"But really," James managed. "Look at you in your little uniform. You look so much like your dad. I'm so proud of you, Carlos."

_Shit, he's about to cry._ Immediately Logan's gaze went to James' face and yes, he was about to lose it. Before he could do anything, though, Carlos had climbed onto the couch and stood so that he was towering slightly over James, and it was then that Logan realized Carlos was about to cry as well. He stepped back, dropping James' hand as they embraced, both overcome with emotion. James held on as if Carlos was about to disappear, Carlos clinging just as tightly, and Logan searched out Kendall across the room. Again, there was still so much that needed to be said, but when Kendall shrugged as if to say, "See? It's gonna be okay," Logan allowed himself a tiny bit of hope that it would be.

"When did we become a couple of whiny little girls?" James mumbled, reaching up to wipe at his eyes. "Are we seriously crying over here?"

"You started it," Carlos answered, and then released James to return to the floor while rubbing away his tears.

"Aww, do you two need some tissues?" Kendall teased. "I can get you some."

"Please, Logan has us all beat in the girly department," James smirked. "He carries a little pack in his pocket."

Mouth dropping, Logan made a shocked sound. "Excuse me, there are germs everywhere and the last thing you want to do is sneeze on someone or get caught without a tissue when it's needed. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being prepared." The other three snickered. "Oh, is this how it's gonna be now? You all gang up on me? Because I will have you know-"

James' arms sliding around his waist silenced him, that familiar safety more reassuring than any words could be. "I love you in spite of your girly ways. I think there's a part of me that loves you _for_ them."

"Yeah, keep that in mind later when you're begging me for sex and I'm still oversensitive about being called a girl."

They each had the same thought, that they didn't know if there would be a later to worry about, and their smiles were tentative.

Kendall moved across the room to pull Carlos back against him. "Pizza will be here in a while, guys. Did you want to eat first, or...?"

Sobering, James bit his lip and stared at Carlos. "We have a lot to talk about."

"Yeah. Let's do that now."

They were back to the tension, Logan spinning in James' embrace and lifting his arms to wrap around James' neck. "You want me to stay with you? I will. I'm right here if you need me."

"I know." James nodded, letting out a breath. "I need to do this alone."

"Okay. Just...if you have any...you know."

"Yeah. Problems. I think I'm good, though. On that, at least. I promise you'll be the first to know if something happens."

"Okay. I love you."

In the next moment they might as well have been completely alone with the way James looked at him. "I love you more than I could ever even begin to express. We'll have our someday. Someday," he added with a smile.

"Someday," Logan repeated, kissing James briefly. He was vaguely aware of a whispered conversation going on between Carlos and Kendall, and when he glanced over it was to see Kendall reassuring Carlos in the same manner. "I feel like we're coaches sending you two into the ring. Giving our little pep talks."

"Well, hopefully we won't come to blows," James grimaced. "We're just going to—damn, Logan, you have a dirty mind for a girl."

Because of course Logan was smirking at the "blows" comment and couldn't even be offended by the "girl" one. "Can't help it, I'm around you so everything's sexual."

"I'm thinking maybe it was a bad idea for us to stay at your mom's. I can't trust you to be quiet."

"So punish me," Logan whispered, drawing out the words as he stared into James' eyes.

James let out a tiny whimper, gaze darkening. "Now? You're doing this now?"

Logan only smiled. It had worked as a distraction, as sex always did with James, and Logan relaxed knowing James wasn't as terrified as he'd been a minute ago. He leaned forward to tug on James' bottom lip with his teeth. "I expect you in my bed tonight, and I expect you to remind me who I belong to."

"Logan, fuck," James groaned. "This is not the time."

But it was, because James now had something to fight for. "Keep that in mind, beautiful. I deserve you and I intend to hold on to what's rightfully mine."

Carlos' voice broke into their trance. "Hey, you ready to talk or are you two gonna just break it down and fuck right here in my living room?"

Logan blushed, but James was unaffected by Carlos' words. "Trying to decide."

"Come on, horndog. I swear, some things never change." Carlos dragged James away and toward a hallway, Logan watching them go before turning to Kendall.

"Well."

"Well," Kendall echoed. At this point all they could do was wait. "Beer?"

"Uh...you know what? Yes. I could really use one right now."

"Come on." Kendall slid an arm over Logan's shoulder and led him toward the kitchen. "Let's sit out on the patio and you can tell me everything. Because to be honest, Carlos is just going to anyway."

"I know. James won't mind. I just hope Carlos doesn't judge him too harshly."

After reaching into the refrigerator for two bottles of beer, Kendall shut the door and shrugged. "I don't think he will. Carlos is very understanding, very compassionate. I know there will probably be some hard feelings, I mean...his brother is dead because of something James did. You can't blame him for that."

"No, I wouldn't. James acted in a manner that was irresponsible and pushed things he should've been able to let go of. But again, Luke wasn't completely innocent either. He pushed James too far."

"Explain that to me," Kendall coaxed. They dropped into chairs around a small round table on the patio, Kendall cracking open his beer. "Tell me the story of James and Luke."

XXXXX

The awkwardness returned once they were alone, James looking as if he wished he could shrink into himself with hands in pockets and shoulders hunched. Carlos was nervous, too, wringing his hands before spinning suddenly just inside the bedroom's doorway. "Want a beer?"

James blinked. "Um. No. Thanks. I don't drink anymore."

Eyes widening, Carlos pressed, "At all?"

"At all. I haven't since the uh...you know. The accident."

"I'm going to assume you don't do drugs anymore either, then. You look so much better than you did last time I saw you."

James nodded. "I was really glad you came for my birthday. I don't think I told you that, I think I just wanted to show you I was happy, but it meant a lot to me."

"You weren't, though, were you? Happy?"

Shrugging, James replied, "I had my moments. All I really cared about then was being around Luke, so in that sense, yeah. I was happy."

Carlos studied James for a time before saying, "I never understood why you loved him so much. I always thought you could do so much better. Don't get me wrong, I loved my brother, but he wasn't good for you, James. You could've done a lot with your life."

"You know..." James paused, getting his thoughts in order before he sank onto the edge of the bed. Even in this room there were pictures everywhere, most of them of Kendall and Carlos, and in each one they seemed blissfully happy together. "I don't regret most of it. If I could change anything, I'd bring Luke back. That's the one thing I would undo. And yet...God, this sounds horrible."

"Just be honest with me, dude. We're past the lies." Carlos moved around to the other side of the bed, unbuttoning his uniform as he went to reveal a white t-shirt underneath. He toed off his shoes before reaching into the closet for a hanger, and James watched in surprise as he hung the shirt carefully on it.

"Wow. I've never seen you hang up your clothes before."

"Usually I don't," Carlos chuckled. "But these are special clothes. You gonna freak out and scream if I change in front of you? Or maybe the opposite, after the way Logan got you all hot and bothered out there."

"Fuck, Carlos. He's amazing. One look from him and I'm on fire, I've never felt anything like it before."

"Never?" Carlos asked with a cocked eyebrow.

"Never," James confirmed. "And that's my point. As much as I hate myself for what happened to Luke, I wouldn't give Logan up for it. I'd give up anything but that. Logan is...I don't even have words. He's just so perfect."

Carlos smiled softly. "I know that feeling. When I met Kendall...well. You know what I was going through. I missed you like crazy, because after your parents died you changed a lot. My mom kept telling me to give you time, that it was natural what you were going through, but I knew you'd never come back to me. All you cared about was Luke. And then suddenly Kendall was there, and he was so nice and gorgeous and he didn't seem annoyed when I talked to him like a lot of guys did. He told me how fast I was on the ice."

"You were _really_ fast," James agreed.

"But more than that, he...he cared. He honestly cared. It had been a while since I had a friend who cared."

Knowing the words were deserved, James didn't argue. He blinked against the tears creeping up. "I know. I'm sorry."

"It all worked out. I ended up with the best boyfriend in the history of the world, and for that...I wouldn't change a lot either. Sometimes I think me and Kendall would've ended up together anyway, because it was meant to be, but other times I think if you and I had been better friends, you would've stolen Kendall for yourself."

"What?" James stood up, this time hurt. "I would never steal your boyfriend! How could you even-"

"Calm down, drama queen. I mean before he and I started dating, when we were still just friends. If he'd met you first, you two might've hooked up. You were always having the girls all over you, and I think you would've been attracted to him. I mean, who wouldn't? He's perfect."

"He's not Logan," James reasoned. "Nobody compares to Logan."

"You didn't know Logan then. And Kendall was sad because he'd had to leave behind his boyfriend, who...was actually Logan. Damn, that's so weird."

"Stop it. Just stop using Kendall, Logan, and boyfriend in a sentence."

They both shivered as if something had walked over their graves. "Yeah, let's not think about that. But I was sad over losing you and he was sad over losing Logan and it just clicked for us. Sometimes I feel guilty about that, too."

"Guilty? About what?"

By this time Carlos had pulled on a pair of jeans and changed into a clean t-shirt. James noted that he too looked healthier than ever, a compact little body framing a powerhouse of muscle. When Carlos dropped onto the bed and leaned back against the headboard James joined him, legs crossing over each other and elbows on his knees as he faced Carlos.

"I feel like if Kendall hadn't come along, I would've tried harder to get you back. To keep you from falling into that life. If I had tried harder, maybe you wouldn't have turned into a hooker and Luke would still be alive."

"Wait a minute. Just...wait a minute. Are you seriously telling me you blame yourself for Luke's death? You know how ridiculous that is, right? It's my fault, Carlos. Mine. You had nothing to do with it, you were the best friend I ever had and a good brother and-"

"But if I'd been a better friend and brother, maybe I could've stopped it."

"Okay, what needs to be stopped is this shit right here. Don't you ever think you aren't good enough or weren't back then. You were awesome. I was an idiot to think he could ever replace you as a friend, or even as more. You deserve every good thing that happens in your life. You deserve Kendall, a man who is smart enough to see how amazing you are and hold on to you, and you deserve to be that policeman you always wanted to be as a kid, and you deserve annoying little kids running around in hockey jerseys breaking all your shit with sticks. Because you'll yell at them, and then you'll tackle them and break more shit, but you'll be happy. And you deserve that, Carlos. All of it."

"Excuse me, James, my kids will not be annoying. Yours will, though. 'Dad, where's my mirror? Did you steal it again? And quit telling me how to wear my make-up, just because you're prettier than me doesn't mean you know everything.'"

James' lips twitched, Carlos next to him miming putting on lipstick. "I never wore lipstick."

"Really? So in our class pictures your lips were just naturally that glossy pink?"

"I might've used a tinted lip balm once in a while," James conceded. "No harm in that."

"And when I went to your party, you weren't wearing make-up then?"

"Of course I was. I was at work."

"Work," Carlos echoed with a sigh. "Do you still draw?"

Surprised, James replied, "Yes. Mostly beach scenes now."

"Remember that time you drew me in a uniform? Told me I'd look like that someday and you couldn't wait to see me kicking ass on the streets?"

With a soft smile, James nodded. Carlos jumped up and swung the closet door open all the way, exposing the old drawing taped to the inside of it. "Sometimes when I feel like I'm not good enough, I look at this and it helps. Because you made me look so tough and strong."

"You look like that now," James offered, touched. "Just like that in your uniform."

"My pop is proud of me. Tells everyone who meets us at the academy that I'm his son, even though I had to start over a few times."

"Start over?" James frowned. "Why?"

"Because I um...well, you know me. I got a little crazy sometimes, wanted to be the best and overdid it. I took some extra classes at the college with Kendall, learned some things and grew up some, and then went back to it. Pop is proud of me anyway. It's a pretty cool feeling."

"I'm proud of you, too. And you're going to marry a lawyer, that's fitting."

"Yeah, but he's going to be the kind that works against me. That jerkface wants to defend criminals instead of putting them away."

"Seriously? Why would he want to do that?"

"Because he says there are people who are falsely accused all the time. I told him cops don't make mistakes but he says that's not true, that things aren't always what they appear to be and sometimes people are just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I blame the old dude he met when we toured a prison together."

"You...toured a prison? Do they even allow that?"

"It was for school, a class we were both taking in criminal justice. They have this program and part of it is that we toured the prison and talked to some inmates. Kendall talked to this old guy who swore he was innocent but had been in jail for three years. Murder."

"Ah," was all James said, blood running cold at the idea.

"So they talked for a while and after we left, Kendall couldn't let it go. He believed the guy. He was obsessed for the next week, looking up everything he could find about the guy's case and even begging my dad for copies of the police report. Bottom line is Kendall got the case reopened because he pointed out things that were overlooked. They dug up her body and everything. It was nuts."

"What happened?"

"The guy was innocent. The detective who looked into it realized finally that the guy couldn't have done it, and he was released. They're still looking for the other suspect, but the old guy is free. After that Kendall decided he'd rather be a defense attorney than a prosecutor. He's got this...saving people thing."

"I can see that," James chuckled. "He and Logan have that in common. So uh...Luke told me he was trying to save you, in a sense. Make you get on the right path."

Carlos' face hardened. "I don't want to talk about that."

"Okay. I just...it shocked me. I never thought he'd have a problem with us being gay and then one day he shows up and-"

"Is that what happened? He showed up and tried to turn you straight?"

"No, I um...I called him. I found out about the wedding and I called him to come get me. I thought...I was so stupid, Carlos. I'm sorry. I thought I could turn him gay, which I guess is just as bad as him thinking he could turn me straight."

It was a bitter laugh that escaped Carlos as he returned to the bed. "Not nearly as impossible, though. He was such a hypocrite about that."

"I tried and tried. There was no turning him. I should've backed off but I didn't know how to let him go." Carlos stared at James so long that James finally asked, "What? What aren't you telling me?"

"I thought you two had a night together. He told me he slept with you one night."

"Uh...yeah. That wasn't his fault, though."

Shaking his head, Carlos looked pissed more than anything else. "You've been feeling guilty about that all these years, haven't you?"

"What I did was wrong. Did he tell you I spiked his drink to get him to sleep with me?"

"Did _he_ tell _you_ he knew exactly what you were doing and let it happen because he wanted you so bad?"

Stunned, James couldn't breathe for a second. "What?"

"He told me that, James. When he was trying to explain to me why homosexuality is wrong, he told me about that night and how he understood my weakness, that he had weak moments, too. Didn't you know he was dying to touch you all the time?"

"Are you...are you fucking kidding me? I knew he wanted me, I could tell, but I never...he let it happen?"

"He said it was getting harder and harder to resist you and you wouldn't let up, and one night you said you wanted to stay home and he knew you were planning to get him in bed and he finally decided one night couldn't hurt. Just one night, he said, so that he could get it out of his system and stop wanting you. Only that didn't happen, he ended up liking it way more than he thought he would and it scared him."

"That motherfucker was in denial! I knew it! Damn you, Luke, why couldn't you just...fuck!" James rose from the bed, pacing as the anger overtook him. "All that time he knew what I was doing and let it happen? We fucked all night, Carlos! I thought it was because of the drug."

"It was, technically. He said if he hadn't taken that, he wouldn't have been able to let it happen. But he knew what you were doing and he wanted it. Don't think you raped him or anything because he knew exactly what he was doing."

Hurt all over again, James kicked the bed as angry tears spilled over. "What the fuck was wrong with him? All I ever wanted was for him to love me."

"He was an idiot, James. I feel horrible saying that, he's my own brother and he's gone and I'd give almost anything to have him back, but...I'm still pissed at him. Three years later I'm pissed at him for trying to ruin what Kendall and I had and for putting you through so much shit. I don't even know half of it, do I? I knew he would make you miserable. I knew he'd never give you what you wanted. But I couldn't convince you of that, didn't know how to get through to you."

"Nothing could've gotten through to me. I was finally moving on when he showed up again, about a year after I moved out. He left me a Bible and told me to read it, said it would change my life. Seeing him again...it hurt. I yelled at him and told him to get out until he he was ready to come back and beg for me."

"I'm glad he got away from the drugs and all that shit you guys were into but I don't like the person he turned into. Even my own parents accept me, and they're big on God. I don't know why he took that message and twisted it into something so hateful."

"Probably because he was in denial. He couldn't admit that he liked guys. But sometimes when I'd bring the men home he'd find reasons to walk through. I felt his eyes on me, watching me with them. I knew he wanted me. I think if I hadn't known that, I might've been able to let it go. He kept my hope alive, though, let me sleep in his bed and...Logan says he used me. I don't want to believe that but-"

"He did, James. He used you. I know he cared about you, and in his own way he loved you, but I bet you gave all your money to him."

"He was the one who wanted me to fuck for money. He saw me at the club, knew everyone wanted me, and on my birthday one year..." James shook his head, not wanting to think about that. "He got his way. Showed me how easy it was and the truth is I loved sex, so...yeah. It wasn't hard to convince me. I let it all happen, Carlos, I can't blame him for my actions."

"No, but he was old enough to know better. He led you into it and used your feelings for him to get what he wanted. For that, I kind of hate him. For a lot of things, really. And I think that if he lived, he would've been a better person. I think being a father would've shown him what life's really all about and he would've accepted us eventually. But for the things he did to you, and the things he tried to do to me and Kendall...I'm still having a hard time forgiving him for that. And that's not right. I need to get over it."

"Dude, it's understandable. Your own brother thought you were a monster. That's what did it, finally. That's what pushed me over the edge that night. He started talking about how it was wrong to be gay and how I needed to change, and when I mentioned you he said he was working on you, and I lost it. I just..." James' face crumpled as he lowered his body to the bed. "I lost it. And he died."

"Hang on." Carlos left the room, searching out Logan and Kendall and finding them on the patio. When he slid the door open, Logan looked up in fear but all Carlos said was, "Can I have that pack of tissues?"

Standing, Logan reached into his pocket for them. "Is he okay? Does he need me?"

"He's okay."

"Carlos, do you even know what he's been through? The amnesia? He spent three years not knowing who he was or where he came from. Please don't judge him too harshly. He would give anything to take it back, to go back to that night and undo it."

One corner of Carlos' mouth tugged up. "Actually, that's not true. There's one thing he wouldn't give. Relax, Logan. I got this."

Carlos disappeared again and Logan asked, "What does that mean?"

"It means you have nothing to worry about. I told you, Carlos is very understanding."

"But James killed his brother. How understanding can you be about that?"

Considering, Kendall replied, "I think there's a lot we don't know. The fact that Carlos never told me Luke was trying to convert him is huge, because Carlos tells me everything. I'm sure there are feelings Carlos has been hiding that he's suffering some guilt over. Ah, there's the pizza. I'm not waiting for them to eat, they might be in there all night. Let's go inside and we can research Minnesota statutes to see just how liable James is for Luke's death."

When he returned Carlos tossed the tissues to James, who caught them with a grateful look. "My beautiful doctor saves the day again," he joked.

"He's worried about you. Thinks I'm going to haul you away in handcuffs."

The joking manner died abruptly and James turned scared eyes to Carlos. "I'm worried about that myself."

"Were you in the car that night?" Carlos asked suddenly, dropping onto the bed.

"Yes."

"Were you driving?"

"No."

"Did you punch him?"

"What?"

"While he was driving. Did you punch him? Is that why he crashed?"

"No. I wanted to but I didn't. Instead I kept telling him to let me out because I couldn't stand to even be near him."

"I punched him."

James paused in the act of wiping his eyes. "You what? When?"

"The day he died. I punched him and told him I never wanted to see him again if he couldn't accept me for what I was."

"Holy shit, Carlos." Looking more closely at him, James saw a guilt to rival his own. "Was that the last thing you ever said to him?"

Nodding, Carlos reached out for the pack of tissues. "What kind of person says that to his own brother?"

"Oh my god. Carlos, come here." James pulled Carlos in and settled him over his lap, hugging him close. "Stop. You had every right to be mad."

"He thought he was helping, doing the right thing, but I was pissed. He'd been coming to the apartment when he knew Kendall was working, trying to make me see the light. That day I just had enough, he dared to stand in my happy place where I had everything I'd always wanted and tell me I was going to Hell, that I was a sick freak. And I lost it. I punched him. Yelled at him to get out. He died thinking I hated him. I didn't, I just...after he told me everything about you and how he'd let you have him for a night but then ripped it away, how we were both weak to give in to our desires and that Kendall...that was what did it. He hurt you and he insulted Kendall and I wasn't going to stand for that, okay? Nobody does that."

Both were in tears now as they held each other. "I jumped out of the car. He kept trying to keep me there and talk sense into me and I didn't want to hear it so I jumped out. He grabbed at me and...I guess that was it. He lost control and...the tree and...if I hadn't called him that night, if I could've just let him go..."

"You were stupid. He was stupid. Just a bunch of stupid idiots and now we're dealing with all this crap and I miss him, I miss my brother but I can't get him back and neither can you. I thought you were dead, James. I thought you killed yourself."

"I tried to." Wiping his face on Carlos' shoulder, James said, "I ran away but I didn't mean to, I forgot everything and when I remembered I tried to kill myself but some nurse saved me and every time I would remember, I wanted to die. I want him back and I can't change it and I hate myself for it, for leaving that child without a father and it's not fair, why couldn't he just...stop fighting it? I don't even care if he ever loved me, I just wish he'd stopped fighting it because he wasn't happy. I know exactly why he went for Nina, it's because he couldn't handle it, couldn't fight his attraction to me and he thought she could change him. He probably fucked her just to prove that he could do it, that he was over being attracted to guys. Stupid idiot. But it's my fault, Carlos. Nobody can argue that. I caused that crash."

"Here." They passed the tissues again, Carlos speaking while James dug for more. "You did, but you didn't do it on purpose. If it had been me, I would've punched him. You did the right thing trying to leave, but you probably shouldn't have jumped out of the car. That was dumb."

"I know." With a deep sigh, James repeated, "I know. And now he's dead. Why shouldn't I go to jail for that?"

Carlos didn't answer immediately. He appeared to think that over, and James said, "Exactly. I deserve to."

"My dad will agree with that. He'll say it's your fault."

"I know. And I don't want to go away, it fucking kills me to think about being away from Logan, but if that's what has to happen, then let's do it. Just...do whatever you have to do."

"Vicarious liability."

"What?" James wiped his eyes one last time, the tears slowing now that the worst was over.

"That's what it's called when you're the passenger and cause the accident. You also fled the scene of an accident that resulted in death. That's a felony."

"But that was unintentional. Yeah, I take full responsibility for the crash, but I couldn't help running. I was looking for someone to help us, I remember running and thinking I had to find someone, and then it gets fuzzy and I swear, Carlos, I would never have just left him like that if I had any control over it."

"I know, and we'll make sure my dad knows that. Though...damn. He doesn't believe in a lot of that, thinks pleas of temporary insanity are bullshit."

"Where's Kendall? Logan said he knows all that law stuff."

Rising from the bed, Carlos once again dragged James away. Kendall and Logan were crowded around a laptop on the kitchen table, pizza on plates nearby but untouched and forgotten. It reminded James of the day he and Kendall had been shopping for rings, when he'd been blissfully unaware of the actions that might cause him to be separated from the love of his life.

"Kendall," James boomed, sliding into a chair next to him. "I can fight the fleeing thing because of my amnesia, right? They can't put me away for that."

"They can, but I'm pretty sure a jury would side with you. Logan and your psychiatrist would testify on your behalf. Anyone else who can corroborate that you had no memory before that?"

"Allen. Denise. Brad."

"Faith would, too. And Tommy," Logan added. "All the others can really say is that you appeared to not know you were James Diamond. It would mean more coming from doctors."

"What I'm worried about is the crash itself," Carlos stated, hovering over Kendall's shoulder. "Yeah, that right there." He pointed at words on the screen. "Vicarious liability. James is totally liable under that."

"But he didn't intentionally cause the crash," Logan argued.

"If negligence can be proven, that's all it takes," Kendall countered. "He was negligent in jumping out of that car."

"Not really, he was only endangering himself as far as he knew. Luke was the idiot who tried to hold him there and lost control of the car."

"Still, Logan," James sighed. "It was my fault in the first place. And when all this comes out, they can arrest me for that. I'm sure your dad never gave up trying to figure out what happened?" he asked Carlos.

"No. He didn't put together that you might be involved, though, because none of us knew you and Luke still talked."

"We didn't really. Just that one time a year before and that night."

"Nina thought it was weird you disappeared." Carlos' gaze met James'. "Donna told us you were gone and Nina knew in her heart that it was because of Luke. Though she figured the same thing I did, that you killed yourself."

"Did she know, Carlos? About...that night?"

"I'm honestly not sure, James. I think she might've, that Luke told her at some point. Probably after he started going to church. But nobody knows you two met up that night, unless you told somebody."

"No. Not even Donna."

The four of them stared at each other in silence, their thoughts running the same path. Finally James said, "They deserve an explanation. Nina especially."

"Did you know she's seeing someone now?" Carlos responded. "Happier than I've seen her since Luke died. He's a great guy, little Luke loves him. I feel like she's finally moved on, learned to live again."

Kendall remained quiet, eyes on Logan. Logan was gazing at James, a desperate look that Kendall understood completely.

"Carlos," James sighed. "We can't just...keep it to ourselves. Your dad, he deserves to know, too. And your mom. This needs to be fixed."

"You can't bring Luke back," Logan said softly. "That's the only fix that would make it better. Nothing else will at this point."

"But how could I live with that, knowing what I did and that they'll always wonder? Don't they deserve peace of mind?"

"Don't _you?_" Logan stood up, restless, and held on to the back of the chair he'd risen from. "You've suffered for three years, James. And a lot more before that. Your parents died, you were manipulated and used by an asshole who could only see you for what you could bring to him-"

"Who was also in denial," Carlos added.

"-and then..wait, what? He was in denial?"

Kendall's gaze swung to Carlos as well.

"Yes. I never told you, Kendall, but he kept trying to break us up at the end. Said it's wrong to be gay."

"Yeah, they told me that today. No one said anything about him being in denial, though."

"He was," James offered. "The night we had sex, he knew what was happening and let it happen. He told Carlos that before he died."

Rage shot through Logan, who would have happily strangled the man had he been standing near. "He let you do all that to him, gave you hope that he felt the same way, showed you what you were missing, and did it all knowing it was only for one night? That you would be devastated in the morning and spend the rest of your life feeling guilty for what you'd supposedly done? Fuck that! He doesn't deserve your guilt."

"Logan-"

"No, James! I get that Nina and the family deserve their closure and answers, but Luke doesn't deserve shit! I'm sorry, Carlos, I know he's your brother and maybe I should have more respect but he did this! He brought all of this on himself and put the man I love through hell and I'm done with it! It's time for you to live again, James, to stop hating yourself and let his memory go so you can move on. I'm not sleeping alone for the next five years or whatever just so he can still manipulate you. He's been manipulating you from the grave for three years! Fuck that. You're mine and I'm taking you and everyone else can just suffer because I'm not giving you up. Fuck him!"

Not even Kendall had seen Logan blow like that, and he shared the same look of awe that James was currently afflicted with. James swallowed and licked his lips, frozen in the chair but his fingers were gripping the lip of the table tight. Carlos managed to get Kendall's attention and nodded his head toward the bedroom, reaching back for the two plates of food before following Kendall.

"They get like that," Kendall whispered. "Sometimes I just have to leave."

"We can all talk more about it later. Come feed me pizza and talk to me about this whole thing, I missed you today."

A door slammed, jolting Logan and it was as if he suddenly remembered where he was. He knew the look on James' face, was not surprised at all when James whined his name desperately, and had a moment to think they shouldn't do this in their friends' apartment because it was rude. That thought lasted until James was on him, ripping at his pants while James' teeth tore at his lips hungrily, and then there was no fight left. It was rough without a lot of preparation, but they made do with saliva and James' fingers dug into Logan's shoulders hard while he rode Logan's hips, not even caring that his knees would be sore later from the hard kitchen floor.

"Logan, love you, I love you so much, don't leave me, don't let anyone take me," he whispered, face buried against Logan's neck as he moved.

"Mine," Logan responded. His arms circled James as a cupboard dug into his back, the pain barely even registering. All he could see was James, all he could hear was the sound of James breathing harshly and on the verge of sobs. "He was stupid to walk away from you, I'm not letting anyone else touch you or even look at you because you're mine and worth the fight, worth anything I have to go through to keep you."

"Logan!" James cried out suddenly, body freezing over Logan as he reached his climax. It still amazed Logan that mere words could do that to James, but he'd never had anyone in his life who felt he was worthy of holding on to, who would fight for him, who would love him. Logan would be that man and would spend the rest of his life proving to James that there was no one better. He came with his own cries, James holding him through it and pressing kisses to his face, starting at his forehead and ending with a deep kiss to the lips that said everything.

"I love you," Logan said anyway.

"I know," James answered with a wondrous smile. "I don't know why, but...you love me."

"It's because you fuck me on random kitchen floors."

"Shit, we're so crazy," James laughed, and while Logan agreed with that statement, he couldn't be bothered by the notion. James was laughing, and that was what mattered.

XXXX

They cleaned up in the bathroom, Logan knocking on the bedroom door after and poking his head in. "We're uh...we're sorry about that."

Carlos smiled from his place on the bed between Kendall's legs. "It's actually just nice to see James loved so much. He's never had that, you know?"

Nodding, Logan opened the door wider and reached back for James' hand. "He's amazing."

Kendall laughed while Carlos' eyes bugged out. "Dude, are you blushing? James Diamond is blushing?"

"Shut up, he does things to me."

"Obviously," Kendall quipped, and then they were both red. "Go get some pizza. We'll be right out."

Logan dug in the refrigerator for bottles of water, setting one on the table near James before taking the chair next to him. James pushed a plate of pizza to him, and they stopped to just smile at each other. There was no reason, really, but it felt right.

The laptop was lifted up and over Logan's head before Kendall set it aside and joined them, Carlos sliding into the seat across from Logan and reaching for more pizza and serving Kendall before himself.

"You two are so cute," James grinned. "It's nice to see you loved, too."

"Kendall's my big teddy bear. I hug him and squeeze him and it makes everything better."

Rolling his eyes, Kendall said, "See, Logan? He's just as bad as James. Probably learned it from him."

"We might've had a few late-night conversations about what we wanted in a guy," Carlos smirked. "Looks like we both got it."

"Now just to hold on to it," James sighed. "How do you not hate me, Carlos? Your brother is dead because of me."

"We talked about it already. I think you did some dumb things, but it's not all your fault."

"Your dad won't see it that way."

"Which is why," Carlos reasoned, "he doesn't need to know."

"Carlos-"

"James, Logan's right. Nothing you do now can make it better. You've repented enough, and I spent three years thinking my best friend was dead. I'm not losing you now."

"Neither am I," Logan agreed, laying a hand on James' thigh.

"Kendall?" James asked. "What do you think?"

"Me?" Surprised, Kendall looked around at the three faces staring back at him. "It's not up to me. I have nothing to lose over this. You guys all do."

"But you're the level-headed one," James argued. "Logan usually is, but he's biased about this and not thinking clearly. You can see it from Carlos' point of view, but mine, too. Because you defend people like me. And even from Logan's, because you know what it would be like for him to lose me. You're the only one of us who can see it from all sides. What's the right thing to do?"

Sitting back in the chair, Kendall rubbed his neck. "I don't really know. I agree with all of you, there are a lot of ways to look at this. No matter what we do, someone suffers. And Luke is still dead."

Logan nodded. "So why don't we go with the thing that hurts the least? Nina and your parents have already dealt with this and moved on, Carlos. Why reopen old wounds?"

"Because it would bring them peace of mind," James answered. "Trust me, I know how important that is."

"They've made their peace with it," Carlos said. "Sure we all miss him, and yeah they would like to know why it happened, but Nina's happy now and little Luke is about to get a real father figure and you two...look at you two. James, I've known you since we were five and I've never seen you so happy. You're miserable right now but only because you're letting yourself be. There has to be another way for you to forgive yourself."

Logan smiled sadly, squeezing James' leg. "Didn't I tell you that? It doesn't matter if you serve jail time or not, you won't move on until you forgive yourself. I think a doctor can help more with that than prison ever could."

"I do have a pretty amazing doctor," James smirked.

"I don't mean me, I mean Dr. Coates or someone like her."

"Why can't it be you?" James asked softly, and their eyes met as they were thrown back to their very first meeting when James had wondered the same thing. "I want it to be you. Nobody knows me like you do, nobody makes me feel good about myself the way you do. You're all I need."

"Then keep your beautiful mouth shut and stay with me. Let me help you find forgiveness. I can't do that if you're in prison."

Kendall and Carlos continued to eat, letting the two of them make the decision that would affect them more than anyone else.

"Please, James," Logan begged, taking his hand and squeezing tight. "Stay with me. Don't leave me alone. You promised you would never leave me again, swore that if it was in your power you would be at my side. It is, James. It's within your power. Stay with me."

"Should we leave again?" Carlos leaned in to whisper.

"I think we're okay. Come here, you have sauce all over your mouth." Kendall used a napkin to wipe Carlos' lips, then kissed them briefly.

"I can hear you two over there," James said loudly. It didn't bother him at all, but was a welcome distraction from the intensity of his feelings.

"Good," Carlos returned. "Can you hear me when I say you'd be a moron to tell my dad or Nina anything? Look at that face, think about the way he makes you feel. Can you really leave that? Can you live without that smile every day?"

"Carlos," James complained. "Knock it-"

Logan interrupted. "Can you live with the idea of me walking around a new hospital, meeting people every day who have no idea I'm engaged because you're never there? Think of all the interns who would ask me out, who would think I'm single and flirt with me. No James to show up suddenly and claim his territory by scaring them away."

"I'll kill them all."

Logan smiled then, an evil smile that was unlike him. "You have to be free to do that."

"Fuck that, I'll take a job as a janitor if I have to and follow you around. They'll all know you're mine."

The smile became a huge grin because Logan knew he'd won. Really, James was easy to manipulate, but in this case Logan didn't feel guilty.

"That sounds kind of creepy," Carlos frowned. "You're scary sometimes, James."

"Logan understands me completely."

"Yes, I do," Logan nodded. "That's the sort of thing that turns us on, don't ask me why."

"Kendall, how come you don't follow me around and make sure nobody hits on me?"

"Because you'd tell me if they did. Though there was that one time..."

Carlos laughed, nodding. "That's right! That chick from my class kept showing up and you got pissed. You were crazy, attacking me from behind and taking me down right in front of her."

"She never came back, did she?"

"No. She never did."

"Point made," Kendall smirked. "I showed her you were mine, problem solved."

"You scared her, too. She never spoke to me again."

"Even better. Nobody messes with my Carlos."

"Logan?" James asked hesitantly, all eyes to turning to him. "There's something I need to do still. It means a lot to me."

"Okay." He waited it out, unsure how to feel when James finally spoke.

"I need to visit him. His grave."

"That's...sure. We can do that. Or...you can, if you'd rather go alone."

"No." Slipping his hand into Logan's, James said, "I want you to be there. Or at least close by. Because I'll probably cry."

"And there's nothing wrong with that. We can go tomorrow."

James nodded, chewing on his lips nervously.

"How long are you two staying?" Kendall wanted to know.

James and Logan looked at each other, neither sure of the answer. "I guess we'll see how it goes," Logan replied. "If you really are going to keep it to yourself, we won't be stuck here. But it's nice to be home for a while."

"Yeah. I'd like to see the old places, maybe um...well, never mind."

"What, love?"

"Nothing." Shaking his head, James stood and picked up their empty plates.

"James. Talk to me."

"It's just..." He moved to the trash can, dropping the paper plates into it before spinning around to face the table again. "I'd love to see Donna. Just let her know I'm okay."

"Oh. Of course, we can totally do that."

"Yeah?"

"Whatever you need. I'd kind of like to see this place myself."

"Seriously?"

Logan shrugged. "It might be hard for you, to be there again with all the memories. I want to be there for you."

"You just want to watch me dance," James teased, the words coming out slowly and seductively.

Licking his lips at the visions in his head, Logan then cleared his throat. "No, I want to be there for you if you need me."

"Always need you. Told you that. So if I wanted to dress up and get you out on that dance floor, you'd fight me on that? Is that what you're saying?"

"I'm saying no such thing." Their gazes met, the truth plain in their eyes and showing how badly they each wanted to experience that, just once.

"Well then. We might have to do that tomorrow night. Carlos? Do you still love to dance?"

"Hell yeah, I do. Kendall, you're calling in sick tomorrow night."

"I am not! I have to close the store."

"The old man can handle it for once. I'm taking you dancing."

Kendall opened his mouth to argue, then saw something in Carlos' eyes that stopped him. The promise in them left him breathless. "I uh...really don't feel so good right now."

Carlos and James both grinned. "It's really good to have you back, dude," Carlos beamed. "Let's just stop being miserable and enjoy life again."

"You deserve it," Logan agreed when James' smile died. "We both do."

There were so many feelings and thoughts running across James' face, but what he said was, "Is this our someday?"

"It could be. If you let it."

James reached out to pull Logan up from his chair, closing the distance between them. He framed Logan's face with his hands and whispered, "Tomorrow. I have to say my goodbyes, and then I can move on. Tomorrow, Logan. Our someday."

Overcome with emotion, Logan could only nod before James' lips covered his. It seemed crazy that after everything they'd been through together, it was going to happen. He'd been so afraid to believe, so terrified to put his faith in this day ever coming to pass, but it had been worth every single moment of pain and fear. Joseph David was finally his.

More importantly, so was James Diamond.

XXXXX


	25. Chapter 25

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the characters taken from Big Time Rush and placed into this story. I make no money off this.

**Author's Notes:**

The second half of this chapter was written mostly because I thought they deserved a little fun. There's been so much heaviness and heartache in this story that it was a nice break and I hope you enjoy reading about the four boys out together for a night. There will be one more chapter after this, an epilogue set in the future. Otherwise...yeah. This one's about over. I can't thank you enough for continuing to read along and putting up with all my name mix-ups and cliffhangers. I love you guys so much.

Huge thank you to **Aranelle** and **jdmazz** for quick turnarounds with the beta stuff. I know they have lives and fic of their own but they're wonderful about taking time to read this over for me and give me feedback/advice. I love them so much. Ha, it's also funny that my two betas are Kames girls.

About a year ago I wrote a story for **kathrynew30**, it was a gift for our one-year friendiversary. The James Diamond in this story is taken directly from that one, though he suffered no amnesia in it. So for that reason, I dedicate this to Kathryn.

I also must dedicate it to **joyousbrokenthing**, who is entirely to blame for this being written at all. She tweeted me one night about a vision of Logan as a scientist building a robot James. This story is of course not that at all, but it got me thinking about a situation where Logan basically helps put James back together and within fifteen minutes I had this story pretty much written in my head. I wasn't planning to write a Jagan next, but it wouldn't leave me alone so here we are. Thanks a lot, Tammy.

* * *

The cemetery hadn't changed much since the last time he'd visited, right before moving to Los Angeles. Logan hadn't expected Luke to be buried in the same place as his father considering they'd lived in different neighborhoods, but he supposed he should have; fate had been forging connections between the four of them for years.

James and Logan stepped through the open wrought-iron gates, following the main path to the area Carlos had instructed them to. It wasn't hard to find Luke's grave once they found the proper row, two sets of eyes roaming the names as they walked over a well-kept lawn. Logan spotted it first, halting, and gripped James' hand tighter.

Gaze shooting past Logan, James stared at it for a long time in silence. Luke's death became real to him in a way it hadn't before while Logan stood by and waited for whatever reaction James would have next.

James was numb, though. Moving closer, Logan pulled him along gently until they were standing before it. "I'm going to give you a few minutes alone."

Nodding, gaze glued to the headstone, James asked, "Where are you going?"

"My dad's grave is across the way. I'm going to say hi."

"Oh. Wow." James nodded again. "Don't go too far."

"Not without you." After one more squeeze, Logan dropped James' hand and moved away. He was approaching his father's headstone when his feet froze, something tickling his memory. He turned to the right and it fell into place, the two headstones looking exactly as James had drawn them in San Francisco. Stepping forward, Logan read the name Diamond on each one. Here were James' parents.

"Yeah," he heard James call out. "That's them."

No emotion, not even a hint of sadness. One day Logan would get James talking about his parents, but today was not that day. He moved along to his father, smiling when he spied the name Mitchell.

"Hey, Dad. Long time no see."

After smiling himself at the sight of Logan greeting his father (or so James imagined he was), James' attention returned to the stone before him. He sank slowly into the grass, sitting close enough to reach out and run his fingers over the letters and dates carved into the marble. It was a while before he could bring himself to speak, finally whispering, "Hey. I miss you."

The tears came then, raining slowly down his cheeks. He reached into his pocket for the pack of tissues Logan had forced on him when they got out of the car, wiping his eyes as he sobbed in silence. There was so much he wanted to say, but it was too late. The chance was forever gone. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

Logan watched from fifty feet away, desperate to rush over and hold James, but he knew this time James needed to do it on his own. Instead he began to talk to his father about James, telling him of their plans for the future (not that there were many in place yet) and that with James, he would be taken care of. His mother had once told him that his father's final words had been "Take care of Logan, make sure he's loved." Logan _was_loved. He was treasured and adored and appreciated every second of every day, and what more could his father ask?

"Luke, stop!"

Two heads whipped around to take in the small body rushing toward James, unable to stop in time before it crashed into him. Arms came up automatically to cushion the fall as the toddler fell backward, James catching Luke. "Whoa, you okay?"

"Hi!" The little face beamed up at James.

"Hi there." Bracing himself, James glanced up at the woman now standing over them. "Hey, Nina."

"James?" She looked as if she was seeing a ghost.

He lifted Luke onto his feet again, watching as Luke placed his hands against the stone. Logan was there, James sensed it immediately, but his gaze went to Nina again. He wiped at the tears still on his face. "Hi."

"Oh my God. I thought you were dead. Where have you been?"

"All over the place. After Luke died I uh...went a little crazy. Literally."

"You and me both."

Logan searched Nina for clues as to her thoughts but she was closed up tight, the way James often was. She was also extremely beautiful, with eyes that reminded Logan of someone. It was a minute before he realized that in little ways, Nina resembled James. It was nothing in her looks, more the way she carried herself and spoke. _Of course. He found a female James._

"This is Logan," James said suddenly, reaching up with one hand. Logan clasped it tightly. "He's my fiancé."

"Logan," Luke echoed, smiling up at him.

"Hey, buddy." With his right hand extended Logan leaned down for a high five, Luke laughing and returning it right away. Logan grinned, eyes lighting up as he swung Luke up onto his hip easily.

"Jesus Christ, Logan, could you be more perfect?"

The whispered words surprised him. Looking at James, Logan shrugged. "I love kids. Have a way with them."

Nina's gaze swung down to James. "So you finally found love," she said softly.

James nodded. "He was worth the wait. Worth all of the pain."

They stared at each other, thoughts churning, and when Luke struggled to get down, Logan set him on his feet. He ran to the grave, passing James without a glance, and pressed his hands to the stone again. "Daddy live here."

James' eyes fell closed and he looked down, the guilt slicing him wide open.

"He always does that," Nina commented. "He never met Daddy, but we show him pictures and talk about him, and we come out here every morning for a little bit. Just to say hi."

Logan wished she would stop, because with each word she was stabbing James deeper in the gut. He didn't know if it was intentional, though, so he held his silence.

"Hi!"

James glanced up in surprise to find that Luke had faced him again, standing between James and the stone as James sat with arms locked around his knees.

"Hi, Luke. I'm James."

"Hi, James!"

"Hi," James said again, chuckling. "Nice to meet you."

Luke held up his hand for a high five. James met it with a smile. Suddenly Luke's attention was drawn away by a butterfly and he gasped, pointing at it, before scampering off. Nina started to step away, but Logan said, "I got it. James...if you need me..."

"I'm fine."

James turned sideways, watching Logan run after Luke and swing him up in a circle, the child's laughter echoing back to them. "He really is good with kids. I had no idea."

"Carlos is, too." Nina lowered herself to the grass next to James, eyes on Luke and Logan. "He and Kendall...they're gonna make the best dads someday."

"Yeah."

"When did you come home? Have you talked to Carlos at all?"

"Yeah, last night. I was gone so long because I lost my memory."

"You what?" Nina asked sharply. "When?"

"When Luke died. That's why I disappeared. I couldn't handle it and I ran and...I kept running. Made it all the way to L.A.."

"James...that's why you disappeared? I knew it was about Luke, but I didn't know...I figured you decided you couldn't live without him. You never got over him, did you?"

"Actually...yeah. I kind of did. Right at the end, he said some things that woke me up. It was hard to love him after that."

There was a lot for Nina to think about in those words. "Did you see each other before he died?"

"Yes," James answered carefully.

"Did he try to make you go straight?"

James nodded. "Why haven't you? With Carlos and Kendall?"

"Because I believe in a loving God. One who makes you the way you are for a reason. As much hate as there is in the world over gays, there's been a lot of love, too. You guys teach us to love everyone, especially people like Carlos and Kendall. I've never met two more beautiful, loving people. You can't tell me God wouldn't approve of them."

"Logan's like that, too. He just...he's amazing."

They both looked ahead again to see Logan sitting on the grass facing Luke, teaching him patty-cake.

"You two planning for kids someday?"

"Maybe someday," James smiled. "It's not something I've ever wanted before. Watching him with Luke, though..."

"It changes your whole life. Your entire outlook. I didn't plan to have a baby, of course, but I wouldn't change it. I'm uh...I'm sorry, James. For taking Luke from you. It wasn't my intention."

"He didn't love me," James shrugged. "I was stupid to think he ever would."

"No, you weren't. He did love you." Face turning to James, Nina said, "And I hated you for it sometimes."

Once again, James was stunned by revelations about Luke. Eyes wide, he replied, "But why? You got him."

"I never really had him, not completely. There were times I feared he would face his feelings for you and take that step. Do you know how many times I tried to get him to go talk to you? Because even though I didn't want to lose him, having him while he was obsessed with you was no picnic."

"Nina...he wasn't the obsessed one. I was. I was so obsessed that I couldn't let go, when I found out you two were getting married, I-" James broke off at a laugh from Logan, a flirty little laugh that raised James' hackles; that laugh was for him only. When he looked forward it was to see a tall blonde bending over Logan and Luke, her smile sweet as she fawned over how adorable they were. Logan met James' eyes, one brow raised, before returning his attention to the woman and laughing again, charming her with flirty eyes. James stood suddenly, ready to charge, but Logan held up a hand. His thoughts were clear from across the lawn.

_Be careful what you say to Nina. If you disappear, this will happen all the time._

"Fuck!" James yelled, kicking at the ground in frustration. The woman looked over in surprise, then gave him a dirty look for having the audacity to cuss loudly in a place of respect, as well as in front of a child. "Oh, you just keep walking, he belongs to me!" James yelled. "Don't even think about it, bitch!"

"James," Logan scolded, gesturing toward Luke. The woman glared some more before escaping, James staring her down until she was out of sight.

"Wow," Nina said slowly. "You have a serious problem with jealousy. Guess I'm lucky you reined it in around me."

"It wasn't this bad with Luke. I mean, it was, but he didn't belong to me like Logan does, so I had no right to hate you."

"But you did anyway."

"Nina..." James sighed, running a hand through his hair before joining her on the grass again. "I was stupid. I did a lot of stupid things. I'm not proud of it. And I'm sorry."

They watched Luke and Logan playing patty-cake again, the joy on Logan's face blowing James away. He didn't understand how seeing Logan with a child could bring about these intense feelings, the need to form a partnership with him and be a father to a little being. Visions of tucking a child in bed at night, falling asleep on the couch with a baby sleeping on his chest, singing to a son or daughter, even soothing their fears after a nightmare...it was an ache, a desperate need he'd never known and it was Logan who brought this out in him, Logan who made him feel he might just be able to pull it off and be the kind of father his own never was to him.

Nina snapped him out of his reverie. "Can I ask you something? I'd like an honest answer. It doesn't really matter now, I guess, but...just satisfy my curiosity."

Logan looked over just then as if he could hear their conversation, another warning glance. James bit his lip. "Okay?"

"Was he...were you..." Nina groaned in frustration before spitting it out. "Were you two sleeping together? Was he cheating on me?"

James blinked at her in shock, mouth moving in silence for a moment. "No. No, I swear. After I moved out he only came to me once on his own, when he came to ask my forgiveness at the bar. I swear, Nina, there was nothing. His last words to me were to try to turn me straight."

She nodded, relief causing her shoulders to slump. "I didn't think so, but sometimes I wondered. He was so broken up over the way he treated you, took advantage of you. It was this mission of his to save you, but every time I suggested he go see you he wouldn't do it. Just that once, when I told him if nothing else he owed you an apology. He went to you then."

"You told him to come see me? That's why he did?"

"He missed you, James. And like I said, I had him but he was still hung up on you. I think..."

"What?" When Nina looked away, James urged, "What? Just tell me."

"I think he was afraid to see you. He was trying hard to follow the path Jesus wanted him to, but he couldn't control his desires. I know he wanted you, I could tell by the way he talked about that night. Seeing you might've undone him."

"Why was he so determined to be straight? What's so wrong with being gay?"

"If you went to our church, you'd understand. Luke was impressionable, like all new Christians are, and you soak up whatever they throw at you. He latched on to that idea because it struck a chord in him. Took it to the extreme."

"But why would _you_go to a church that teaches things like that if you don't believe it?" James needed to know.

"Actually, I stopped going. It was one of the things Luke and I fought about a lot right before he died. I didn't like what it was doing to him, the person he turned into."

James let that settle before speaking again. "One of the things?"

"Yes. There were quite a few at the end. I loved him, he had this way about him that...you couldn't help loving him. But he changed. Lied to me about a few things. Big things. I'm not getting into specifics, because it's all water under the bridge now, but when he died we weren't getting along well. I found out I was pregnant and thought maybe it wasn't such a bad thing. I think it would've changed him for the better."

"Carlos said the same thing." A giggle from Luke had James smiling, Logan standing to swing him around like an airplane. "How is he so good with kids? He hasn't even been around them."

"Some people are just like that. Take to kids immediately."

Watching her smile, James said, "I hear you found love, too. Someone special in your life."

"I did," Nina replied softly. "I wouldn't give him up for anything." More silence as they watched the other two, and then, "I think you're probably the only person in the world who understands how I feel. You loved him, too. And as badly as you miss him, you're happier now. Your life is complete."

"It's getting there," James answered. "Someday."

"But you feel guilty for moving on, right? Like you're betraying his memory somehow?"

"God, yes. I feel like...I could move forward and have everything I've ever wanted. Logan keeps telling me I deserve it. I'm not so sure."

"Lance says the same thing to me. All the time."

"Lance?"

"My guy. He treats me like a princess and already he loves Luke like his own. He says I've been suffering for three years and it's time to let go and live again. I'm just...I don't want little Luke to forget, you know? He never knew his dad, but..."

Suddenly Nina was in tears and James pulled her in, the sadness overwhelming both of them. They held each other as they cried over a man who had changed their lives and guided them down paths of heartache but also pushed them toward their destinies, toward the perfect love they had gone through hell to find.

James pulled out the tissues and passed her one before taking one himself. "One thing I do know," she said shakily. "He would want us to be happy. As misguided as he was, and as stupid sometimes, he loved us both so much. He would want us to be happy, James. Maybe...maybe it's time."

The words brought Logan to mind, and through his tears he looked over to see Logan standing with Luke on his hip, silently waiting for a sign that he was needed. That right there was waiting for him, this beautiful man and a future filled with children who would fight over mirrors and run around with little doctor kits. Never in his life had he wanted something more, and for the first time James felt it was something he deserved.

Luke ran to his mother after Logan set him down, James standing to approach Logan slowly.

"Hey, stranger," Logan whispered, lifting his hands to James' face.

"Hey, cutie."

"So? What's it gonna be? Do I need to find a job here or can I take you back home with me?"

The terror in Logan's eyes broke James' heart, the knowledge that he held so much power over Logan dizzying. Desperate to bring peace to the man who had become his world, James said, "Let's go spend the day with your mom and the night with the boys, and tomorrow we can fly home. This is our someday."

* * *

Logan still didn't understand the point of it, but after a phone call between James and Carlos to set up the evening plans, James informed Logan that Kendall would be arriving at Mrs. Mitchell's apartment to get ready with Logan while James would be doing the same at Carlos' apartment. He finally conceded, though, thinking maybe James wanted some bonding time with Carlos and wanting to encourage that because their time together was short—at least until Christmas, when James and Logan would be returning for a visit.

It turned out to be good bonding time for Kendall and Logan, too, with Mrs. Mitchell running around asking if they were hungry or needed anything. It felt like old times, bringing back memories of nights they'd go see a movie and Kendall would sleep over. By the time they were dressed and ready to leave, Logan was filled with longing to be part of Kendall's world again, to share moments like this often. He imagined James experiencing something similar and brought it up to Kendall while they were getting a last look in the mirror.

"It's good to be home."

"It's good to have you here. I've missed this."

"Me, too."

"I hate this, you know," Kendall suddenly whined. "I don't know what I'm doing. We go out, but we don't go clubbing."

"I haven't done it in a long time, but with James...I think it's going to be a regular occurrence. He loves to dance. Makes me wish we lived here instead of far away."

"Why? You can't go clubbing in L.A.?"

"I can, but it would be more fun with you and Carlos. You're tame, like me."

Kendall laughed, tugging a few stray pieces of hair into place. "Not when I dance. Carlos and I usually end up fucking on the floor when we dance."

"In public?"

"No," Kendall laughed. "We only do it here. This will be my first time out dancing in a real place. It's funny that you've done it and I haven't."

"I dated a little in college. Not a whole lot, but when I did there was dancing involved. I enjoyed it, for the most part." Logan nodded at the mirror, satisfied with his appearance. "Can't wait to see James in action. Just promise me that if we get carried away, you'll drag us apart?"

"Ha, who's gonna drag me and Carlos apart? Maybe this isn't such a good idea."

"It'll be fun, though. And I'm anxious to meet Donna. Anyone who loves James is a friend of mine."

"So..." Hesitating, Kendall asked, "You want to tell me what happened at the cemetery? Carlos said Nina called him and said she ran into you guys there?"

"Yeah. That was unexpected."

Kendall studied Logan in the mirror. "Was it horrible?"

"No, it was exactly what James needed. He didn't tell me everything that was said, but it was enough to bring him peace. The guilt is...well, it's not gone, but he's ready to let go and move on. He's starting to forgive himself, I think. He and Nina were crying together, it was torture watching him and not running over to comfort him. But they came to some sort of understanding."

Kendall flipped off the bathroom light before leading the way to the guest bedroom, where he'd dropped the small bag he brought along. "Did he tell her everything?"

"I don't know. I decided not to ask, he'll tell me if he wants to. What matters to me is that he's at peace. We can move on."

Nodding, Kendall picked up the bag. "You ready?"

Logan frowned. "We're meeting them there?"

"Carlos said James wanted to go with him. I didn't argue."

"Okay, I guess. Let me just tell Mom we're going."

Kendall reached out and stopped Logan with a hand on his arm. "Logan. It's not like that."

"I know." Shrugging, Logan said, "It's just...I've never had to share him. This is new for me. I'm used to being his everything."

"Kind of like he was used to being your everything when I visited? Remember his jealousy?"

Logan smiled, chagrined. "I'm as bad as he is. It's not that I'm afraid of losing him to Carlos, I know better. I just liked being the one he leaned on for everything."

"Did I ever tell you about the talk Carlos and I had the first night I was in L.A.? After James took you away to uh...mark his territory?"

"No," Logan chuckled. "Was he ridiculous, too?"

"Very. He joked with you about stealing me away, but in truth he was honestly terrified. He said that if anyone could make me fall in love, it was you."

"But he didn't even know me!"

"From the way I talked about you from the day I met him, he knew you were special. Just like you probably knew Carlos was special when James first told you about their friendship."

"Yes," Logan agreed. "I was more concerned about his lingering feelings for Luke, but once we got here I realized just how badly he missed Carlos."

"I guess my point is we all have to get used to sharing. It's been a long time since we've had to."

"Yeah. But I love Carlos, I think he's great. And he's perfect for you."

"Isn't he?" Kendall grinned. "He's my guy. I'd be lost without him."

"We're even on that. James...well. You get it."

"I do."

Sharing a smile, they moved out into the living room. "Mom, we're leaving! James and I will be home tonight."

"Unless you two want to come back to our apartment and not worry about keeping the noise down," Kendall said in a low voice.

"Um...we might be home in the morning!"

Mrs. Mitchell laughed as she came out of the kitchen, wiping her hands on a dishtowel. "Have fun, boys. And Logan, you'd better make sure I get to say goodbye in the morning."

"We will, promise." He kissed her cheek before glancing over at Kendall. "You ready to go dance with the hottest guys in the world?"

"Just as long as you don't dance with me. James might kill me in my sleep."

Logan chuckled, then realized it was highly likely. "I feel like I need to work on that, but there's a part of me that understands it and likes it. A lot."

Kendall steered Logan out the door, waving back at Mrs. Mitchell before closing it. "Well then, maybe you should play with it a little tonight. See what happens when someone asks you to dance."

"Yeah, that would have _us_ fucking on the floor. Kendall, what is wrong with me? I'm turned on and we're not even out of the building yet."

Kendall only laughed, an arm slung over Logan's shoulders. "I think it's going to be an interesting night. Nothing turns me on like Carlos dancing."

"Glad it's not just me. Are we there yet?" Logan joked.

"Soon, my nerdy little doctor. Soon."

* * *

Though Logan had been on a few club dates, the club scene really wasn't his thing. It hit home as he followed Kendall into the bar area of The Diamond Room, and he had a moment where he wondered how in the world he'd ended up engaged to a man whose second home was a place like this. Two such different people from two such different worlds had come together to meet halfway and form a union that was like no other, that blended them so completely there was no telling where one ended and another began. They were simply _whole_.

"I didn't know this place had his name in it," Logan called out over the sounds of a bar full of patrons.

"It didn't," Kendall grinned, turning back so Logan could catch up. "Carlos said Donna changed the name after James disappeared. She wanted him remembered here because it was his place, too."

Before Logan could properly react to that information, he was jostled by a man rushing past him toward the bar.

"That wasn't rude at all," Kendall mused, watching the jerk grab another man's arm in excitement.

"Ross! Diamond's back! I just saw him, Diamond's back! And he looks better than ever!"

The other man, obviously named Ross, spun on the stool with wide eyes. "Diamond? Don't mess with me, man, my heart can't take it."

"No, I swear! He's in there dancing right now! Go go go!"

Ross was shoved off his seat and toward a large room that was mostly dark but flashing with colored lights in time to a heavy beat. Logan watched them go, eyes narrowing. "Oh, I don't fucking think so." He started off with purpose, Kendall holding him back.

"Relax. He belongs to you now. He doesn't want any of these men."

"He's mine."

"And there's nothing else he'd rather be," Kendall reminded him. "Come on, let's get a drink."

"Can't we just-"

"No. Drink first. You need to chill out. Sit."

Frustrated but knowing Kendall was right, Logan slid onto the stool Ross had vacated. Kendall ordered them drinks, forcing Logan to relax for a few minutes. A man to his right tried to strike up a conversation, and Logan was polite but made it clear he wasn't interested. All he wanted was to get onto that dance floor and claim his territory. "How are you so calm?" he finally asked Kendall. "Aren't you dying to get in there and dance with Carlos?"

"Yes. I'm going insane just thinking about it."

"Then why-"

"Because it's more fun this way. By the time I get in there I'll be so far gone I won't be self-conscious or nervous about dancing in front of people. All I'll care about is losing myself with him, and I'm warning you now I probably won't stop once I start, so...enjoy my company while it's here."

There were a few more conversations Logan picked up on about James, the possessiveness growing in him as he wondered if James was in there teasing these men. A sudden chorus of cheers drew his eyes to the television above the bar and it was surreal because he was sitting exactly where James had been in that picture he'd drawn so long ago. Looking to his left, Logan saw the door and had a vision of Luke walking in to see James sitting right here and eating strawberry ice cream while watching a movie. James had come so far.

Suddenly it was a physical ache, the need to touch James and remind himself that it was real, that James was his and always would be. "Kendall, I need to get in there."

"Okay, let me just finish this."

"Hurry, because he's probably..." Logan trailed off as the subject of their discussion approached the bar. His eyes were glued to the tall god who filled out his sleeveless silver shimmery shirt and black leather pants so well, and when James turned to smile at the bartender Logan noticed the eyeliner and possibly even some kind of dark shadow on his eyelids. Was there gloss on his lips, too? James was _hot_. Just plain fucking hot. And how was it that even his teeth turned Logan on? That smile was as gorgeous as the rest of him. No wonder everybody wanted him.

James knew he was there, Logan had no doubt; they could feel each other, it was a gift with them. Still, when James slid between Logan and Kendall to address the bartender, there wasn't even a glance at him. Another guy came up behind James and rested a hand on his shoulder, leaning in to whisper in his ear and the sexy thing laughed softly before whispering back. Logan blinked, mouth open to go off, but James slid him a quick glance so full of love that he backed down immediately. James wasn't going home with anyone else tonight.

And suddenly it was an aphrodisiac. This man was wanted by most of the men in the building, but only one would get him. Only one would spend every night fucking him before falling asleep in his arms, would wake up to that sleepy smile in the morning and have to worry about him spoiling his appetite with chocolate chip cookies. As if reading his mind, James tilted his head to whisper into Logan's ear. "Just you, for the rest of my life."

James was gone in a flash, leaving Logan weak with need and affection, and it was a strange combination of feelings but that's what James had always done to him. Nothing had been normal between them, ever.

Kendall suddenly laughed next to him.

"What?"

"Your face. Whatever he said to you almost has you creaming your jeans."

"Shut up. Wait until you see Carlos, I bet he dressed up for you."

"As long as he's not wearing lip gloss and eyeliner, we're good."

Logan smiled. "Is it weird that I love that? James looks so hot, did you see him?"

"Of course I saw him, he was standing right next to me. I believe I even got a wink."

"Seriously?" And why did that make Logan smile wider rather than want to punch Kendall? It warmed his heart that his future husband and best friend liked each other so much.

Logan was frozen on his stool as James once again approached and leaned on the counter. This time their arms brushed and Logan shuddered slightly, electricity shooting over his skin where James' arm touched.

"Hey Justin, can I get a water?"

"Sure thing, James."

Logan stared straight ahead, trying not to think about how those glossy lips felt on him. He stood up slowly and tried to keep breathing but he was hot, so hot and all because James was right there brushing against him.

"I'm saving a dance for you."

At first it didn't penetrate that James was talking to him; Logan was so wrapped up in the sound of that voice that the words didn't make sense, nor did the fact that James was turned toward him now. He turned his head to the left and those eyes were on him, that stare so direct that he almost felt like he had to look away but he couldn't. Instead he stared right back and said, "There'd better be more than one dance for me."

"The rest of our lives," James replied softly, and then he was gone again, chugging a bottle of water as two men followed in his wake. They were speaking to him as he headed into the club, each with a hand on his arms. All it did was make Logan more crazy, the need to own too much to fight now.

"Yeah, I'm done," he said to Kendall. "You coming with me or staying here?"

"I think I'm ready now." Kendall thanked the bartender and left a tip, then laid a hand on Logan's shoulder from behind and trailed him into the room filled with booming music and flashing lights.

It wasn't the type of scene either was comfortable with, but they couldn't deny the energy of the place was palpable and set off a chord in them, pulling them toward the mass of bodies on the dance floor. Logan's gaze picked up James immediately, not only because he was taller than most but because he was the center of attention, everyone drawn to him like bees to honey. He'd just begun to dance again, body swaying freely to the music and face a mask of ecstasy, and Logan let out a tortured moan, knees going weak enough that he stumbled slightly.

Kendall had the nerve to laugh at him. "You okay?"

"Shut up! Do you see him out there? Jesus, I can't even...Kendall, I can hardly even stand."

"He does look pretty damn hot, I'll say that. But where is...oh. Ohhhhhh." Suddenly it was Kendall who was frozen, licking his lips as he took in the sight of Carlos moving next to James, looking like someone who'd stepped off the pages of a fashion magazine. "Logan, it's been fun." He patted Logan's shoulder before pushing between bodies, gaze trained on his goal.

"Kendall, wait! Don't leave me! Yeah, thanks, buddy! I'll remember this when you need medical attention!"

A hand was suddenly on his shoulder and Logan glanced up. It was the man who'd jostled him earlier, on his way to Ross. "Hi. I'm Larry."

_Hi. Don't care._ But Logan managed a polite smile. "I'm taken. Sorry."

"Figures. All the cute ones are."

He felt it then, the eyes shooting bullets into Larry, and Logan's gaze swung across the mass of bodies to lock onto James'. Breath catching, Logan's heart jolted in his chest at the promise behind eyes so dark they were green again. There was no one else in the room and Logan was drawn to him, feet setting him into motion as James started moving as well, the sea parting to let him through until they were close enough to touch. Hands settled on his hips and pulled him closer, James' mouth hot on his as Logan's hands slid up to tangle in James' hair. James' tongue was wet velvet against his, hard body moving in time to the music until Logan's joined it, and they set up a rhythm while they continued to kiss, James' hands roaming over Logan's body to leave him aching.

It took a while for the reaction to penetrate into Logan's brain, but he finally came to realize that many on the dance floor were in shock over the fact that James Diamond was actually kissing someone; Logan had forgotten that rule of his. He smiled as he kissed James harder, understanding suddenly that James had needed to do this, to publicly announce his retirement from the business. Not that he'd been around here for the past three years, but it was his way of saying goodbye to the old life and embracing the new. He'd needed this symbolic step, and Logan was more than happy to help with it.

They danced for two hours, James approached time and again but unfailingly sending away those who requested a dance (and possibly hoped for more). Their lips were locked for most of it, bodies rarely parting, and by the time Kendall approached to get Logan's attention they were both ready to explode.

"Carlos and I need to go," Kendall panted, breathing heavy from exertion and the same kind of need James and Logan were feeling.

"You ready?" Logan asked James. "You're not coming up for air until morning. And we're staying at their place."

A whine escaped James, his nerve endings so alive that every brush to his body was like fire. "Take me home," he managed.

That, Logan could do. He grabbed James' hand and tugged, loving the longing glances sent James' way and grinning because he had what everyone wanted. James Diamond was going home with him.

The cold air blasted them as they stepped out of the bar, Logan shivering as his sweat cooled, and immediately James wrapped him up tight as they walked. Kendall and Carlos went to get the cars, Logan standing safe in James' embrace while they waited in front of the club. "I love you," he whispered to James.

James kissed his ear, eyes closing as he breathed in his favorite scent in the world, the one he loved even more than chocolate chip cookies baking in the oven. "I love you, too. Can we do that again sometime? Doesn't have to be here, I just want to dance with you again."

"Mmm, we'll find a place in L.A. to go. Or maybe we'll just move here."

"Whatever you want, love. Whatever you want. As long as we're together, I don't care where we live."

"Do you miss it, though? All of this?"

James considered it before answering. "A little bit. It felt good to be back in there, even though it wasn't anything like before. I liked being there and knowing I was going home with you, that nobody else would touch me even though they were all dying to."

"I liked that, too. And you're so hot, James, the make-up, the clothes, the way you dance...fuck. I almost came just watching you out there."

"Wonder if I could make you come from across the room," James grinned. "That might be fun to explore."

Logan rolled his eyes, but he thought it might be fun, too. "They named a club after you, James. That's pretty awesome."

"I know, I didn't expect that. Carlos didn't tell me, he wanted me to be surprised. I wish Donna had been here tonight."

"She wasn't?"

"No, Justin said she's babysitting little Luke tonight. What time does our flight leave in the morning?"

"I figured we'd be out late tonight so I booked us an afternoon flight. There's no rush for me to get back to work."

"Don't you miss it, though?"

"Yes and no. I feel like we haven't had much time to just...date. What do you say we spend the next two weeks vacationing, just you and me? We can rent a big beach house for a few days, maybe even go to Hawaii. Ever been there?"

"Once, when I was little. My parents went and couldn't find anyone to take me for a week. I remember the waves, they were huge. And the water...it was so beautiful."

"Bet you could come up with some amazing beach scenes for Stacy," Logan smiled, hugging James tighter as he shivered.

"I bet I could," James grinned, breath puffing out. "Where the fuck are they?"

Suddenly Logan knew exactly what was holding them up and had to laugh. "Come on. Let's go remind Carlos that being naked in public is punishable by law. Maybe we can catch them before they get too carried away."

"So you'll come back with me in the morning to meet Donna? I really want her to meet you. She'd approve."

As they started walking down the sidewalk, Logan snuggled up closer to James. "Of course I will. I don't expect you to leave behind your friends just because you're getting married and moving away. Although...James, the more I think about it, the more I think maybe we should consider moving here. Spending the day with Mom and the guys really made me miss it. And I don't know if you'd even want to, but I bet Donna would love to have you back at the club. You were glowing in there."

"You'd let me do that? Help run the place again?"

"As long as you weren't working your old job, I have no problem with it. You belong there, James. It's what you thrive on. You just...you owned it. You were so confident and alive and...you're just so beautiful. I don't even know how I ended up with you."

"By loving me. That's how. You love me."

"I do," Logan agreed. "Wherever we live, whatever you do with your life, I love you. I told you once that's not going to change. I meant it."

"That's all that matters," James smiled, his steps halting as he broke into sudden laughter. "I'm going to assume the car with the windows fogged up is Kendall's."

Logan followed his gaze and cracked up. "They're worse than we are." He approached and tapped on the back window, waiting a few seconds before tapping harder. Finally the window opened a few inches and a set of keys was shoved through it.

"Take my car," Carlos panted. His attention was drawn away as a loud cry left him. "Kendall, fuck! Watch the teeth!"

"Then close the window so we can finish this. They don't care, they just want to get home and fuck anyway."

Unable to argue that, Logan grinned. "Carlos, I believe you're guilty of indecent exposure. Should I call in a report to the local authorities?"

"Shut up or I won't let you have our guest room for the—fuck! Just like that!"

James and Logan giggled as the window was rolled up again, holding hands while James led him toward Carlos' car. "You know what? It's good to be home."

Logan had to agree. Maybe moving here _was_ what they needed to do. It really didn't matter, though, and there was no rush to decide. They had the rest of their lives for that.

XXXX


	26. Chapter 26

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the characters taken from Big Time Rush and placed into this story. I make no money off this.

**Author's Notes:**

Here it is. The final chapter. This story...wow. I think it's the longest it's ever taken me to finish a story even though it's not the longest in length. I went through a lot while writing it, and now that it's done I feel kind of empty. I'll miss Joseph. Yes, we know he's James, but sometimes I still think of him as Joseph because that's who he was for most of this fic.

Thank you. Just thank you so much for reading this and encouraging me and making me want to keep writing. The joy you guys bring me is like nothing else in my life, except of course for BTR but then again, that makes sense because this is an extension of that. There has never been anything like BTR in my life.

I didn't put it in the story, but I want you guys to know that Stacy's cancer disappeared completely and you can assume it will never return. Just because I love happy endings. :) If you have any other questions about how something turned out, feel free to ask.

Huge thank you to **Aranelle** and **jdmazz** for quick turnarounds with the beta stuff. I know they have lives and fic of their own but they're wonderful about taking time to read this over for me and give me feedback/advice. I love them so much. Ha, it's also funny that my two betas are Kames girls.

About a year ago I wrote a story for **kathrynew30**, it was a gift for our one-year friendiversary. The James Diamond in this story is taken directly from that one, though he suffered no amnesia in it. So for that reason, I dedicate this to Kathryn.

I also must dedicate it to **joyousbrokenthing**, who is entirely to blame for this being written at all. She tweeted me one night about a vision of Logan as a scientist building a robot James. This story is of course not that at all, but it got me thinking about a situation where Logan basically helps put James back together and within fifteen minutes I had this story pretty much written in my head. I wasn't planning to write a Jagan next, but it wouldn't leave me alone so here we are. Thanks a lot, Tammy.

* * *

James stared down at the brightly-colored costume in the box, his face showing his feelings before the words did. "Carlos, I love you, but I'm not doing this for you."

"Yes, you are," Carlos grinned, clapping him on the back in passing. He was dressed in red and white, the Santa outfit only a little too big on him. Glancing over at Logan, who was sitting on the couch with a pair of green slippers on his hands, Carlos reached down and flicked the little round bells on the end of one as he walked by, making it jingle. "Awesome," he said, sinking down next to Logan. "Think it'll fit, buddy?"

"I think so, yeah," Logan replied, lips twisting as he considered the outfit on his lap.

"Carlos," James repeated. "Not happening."

"Oh, come on! Why not?"

"Do you know how ridiculous I'll look in this?"

With a snicker, Carlos answered with a question of his own. "This from the guy who wears make-up every night?"

"Shut up!" James cried out. "I do it for Logan, he loves it."

"I do," Logan agreed, nodding. "I'm not ashamed to say it. He doesn't have to wear it, all he does is run the place, but I admit I love it when I show up to see him all made up. And those boots...mmm. We shouldn't talk about this anymore."

With an evil grin, James approached the couch and bent down for a lingering kiss. Every time Logan tried to end it, James' tongue would tease him so that his will to fight dipped.

Kendall rolled his eyes as he entered the living room from the hallway, clad in his own bright green elf costume. "Can we get a break from you two going at it? For five minutes?"

"You're just jealous," James managed between kisses, sighing when Logan pushed him back. "But fine. Let's see this-" Spinning around for a look at Kendall, James laughed so hard he almost fell to his knees.

"Don't listen to him, babe," Carlos smiled. "You look beautiful."

"It's not about how I look, it's about a worthy cause. And maybe a little about making you happy," Kendall winked.

Beaming, Carlos replied. "Which you are the world's best at."

"And they say we're bad," Logan mumbled. "Get up, love, let's do this for Carlos."

With another exaggerated sigh, James pulled Logan up off the couch. "Why does Carlos get to be Santa? Shouldn't the tallest one have that privilege?"

Kendall shook his head. "Carlos is always Santa Claus. And it was his idea, so he should get to do what he wants. Right, Logan?"

It had actually been Stacy's idea for them to visit the children's cancer ward, after hearing from Logan that he had a friend who liked to dress up as the jolly holiday man and pass out candy. With Logan's and Faith's help it had become presents rather than candy (though Carlos insisted on tossing a few pieces of candy into each package before wrapping it), but rather than argue, Logan nodded. "Basically, yes. Sorry, James. Do it for Stacy, if nothing else."

That was the right thing to say. James' eyes filled with warmth at the name as he melted. "Of course. Anything for Stacy. She saved my life."

Technically, she'd only helped reunite him with Logan, but Logan knew that in James' mind, the two equated to the same thing. "Come on." He took James' hand and led him to the bedroom, James reaching back for the box before allowing himself to be dragged away.

"We don't have all night!" Kendall yelled after them. "Five minutes!"

"Make it ten!" James yelled back before the door slammed.

"Those two, I swear." Catching Carlos' smirk coupled with a determined gaze, Kendall asked, "What?"

"Ever wondered what it's like to have sex with Santa Claus?" he grinned.

Kendall opened his mouth to name all the reasons why that was so wrong, but though his lips worked nothing came out. When Carlos got that look on his face, Kendall found it impossible to deny him anything.

"I'll make it quick." Sweetening the deal, Carlos patted his knee. "Come tell Santa what you want, you naughty boy."

It was possibly the most ridiculous thing they'd ever done, but as Kendall slid into place on Carlos' lap, he couldn't hate himself too much for it. Spoiling Carlos was fun.

* * *

By the time they were finished, it wasn't just the children's ward they'd invaded, but the entire hospital. It took them three hours, a call to Logan's mother resulting in a huge sack of candy arriving at the hospital (half of it filled with sugar-free at Logan's insistence), and the four best friends were joined by Mrs. Mitchell, Faith, Tommy, Stacy, and Stacy's mother in their endeavor to make Christmas Day a little brighter for those confined to a place of pain and disease. It wasn't much, but they brought smiles to every room they visited (even the crotchety old man in room 312 who might as well have been saying "Bah, humbug" every two seconds).

A look passed between James and Logan as they entered that room, memories flooding them of their first few days as friends. James had been so scared and Logan had fought so hard not to fall for him, but of course it was futile. He remembered walking in the day James left the hospital to find him staring out the window, remembered hugging him from behind and feeling a sense of peace even in the midst of the storm raging around their future. He'd known it then, that together they were right, but he'd been so afraid to believe fate would agree.

Passing by the empty bed 5 in the emergency ward, Logan's motion stopped. Immediately strong arms slid around him from behind. "This is where it all started," James whispered. "Where my life began."

He'd been on overtime. Had almost escaped the hospital before Tommy flagged him down, had almost pretended not to see because he was so tired and wanted to be gone. Shivers ran down his spine at the knowledge that he'd come so close to missing it, missing that moment in time that changed his life forever. "I love you," he whispered suddenly, spinning to hug James tight. "I wouldn't change any of it."

"I know," James replied, holding Logan close. "Everything happens for a reason."

When their emotions had calmed enough for them to let go, James asked, "Do you ever miss him? Joseph?"

Logan grinned, amused as he glanced up at James. "I never lost him. I just...gained a few more sides to him, is all."

"Yeah, quite a few," James chuckled.

"But he's still here. I still bake him cookies every night, cuddle up on the couch and watch movies with him, come home to find sketches all over the apartment."

"A different apartment, though. Different state, even."

"Doesn't matter," Logan said with a shake of his head. "We're still us, even with my new job and your...old one, I guess."

"And we're happy, right? You're still happy?"

"Couldn't be any happier, James."

"Not even if I told you the state of Minnesota legalized gay marriage yesterday?"

Logan's eyes widened in excitement. "Are you serious?"

"No," James grinned. "But it's nice to know you still want to marry me."

"You're a jerk," Logan laughed, then hugged James tight. "But you're my jerk. And as long as that's the case, the rest doesn't matter. I'm happy."

"Me, too. Merry Christmas, cutie."

"Merry Christmas, James."

They shared one soft kiss, knowing better than to let it go too far, and then they rushed to catch up to the others.

* * *

Stacy and her mother were invited to join them at Logan's and James' apartment, but they begged off due to plans with their own family. James hugged Stacy tight, knowing it would be the last time he saw her for at least a few months, and thanked her again for the package she'd shoved into his arms with the words, "I got you something you've always wanted. You can thank me later."

He felt guilty for a moment, having not brought her a gift, but then he remembered the five sketches he'd mailed to her since moving to Minnesota and smiled. She'd come to appreciate the forest and mountain scenes as much as the beach ones, and had texted him just the week before that she couldn't wait for snow to enter the picture, literally. He promised it would happen soon enough.

Faith and Tommy did stop by the apartment for a time, enjoying the chance to hang out with Logan and James while it was there. Faith had been sad upon hearing of their move, but said she understood and could tell when they talked on the phone now that Logan was happy. He'd made a new hospital his home, they'd found a perfect apartment in the building Carlos and Kendall lived in, and James split his time between the club, Logan, and his drawings (the three passions of his life).

After changing out of their costumes, they joined everyone for an early Christmas dinner that Logan and his mother had prepared. Faith managed to drag Logan away for a private chat on the balcony, the two sipping hot cocoa as they stared out at Los Angeles decorated with patches of red and green below.

The door slid open suddenly. "Logan! Did you get marshmallows for that?"

"Uh...no, love. I'm good without them, though. Thanks."

James' eyes bugged out. "Are you crazy? You have to put marshmallows in hot chocolate! It's a thousand times better!"

"I actually...don't like marshmallows." Logan cringed, knowing what was coming.

"What is wrong with you?!" James gasped. "How can anyone not like marshmallows? No wonder you never make me Rice Krispie treats!"

"You want me to?" Logan asked, head tipped back to stare up at James. "I'll make them for you. Kendall likes them, too."

"Fuck him, those are my Rice Krispies! Here." James dumped a handful of marshmallows in Logan's cup. "You'll thank me later. Even if you don't like them alone, you'll love them in that."

"James, I-"

"Just try it."

Heaving a sigh, Logan swirled his drink so they melted some before sipping at it. "Okay, you win. It's actually pretty good."

James beamed, cheeks rosy in the cold air. "Told you." He bent down to place a quick kiss on Logan's lips. "Don't be long out here, I want to open presents. And then watch Christmas movies on our special couch."

"Sounds like heaven," Logan smiled, knowing that for once they would finish the movies instead of getting lost in each other—James had a deep love of Christmas movies, as did Carlos.

After James scampered back into the apartment and closed the door, Faith laughed. "He's like a little kid! I never saw this side of him at the hospital. Or even that time we went out, for that matter."

"Isn't he adorable?" Logan grinned. "I saw that side early on, but it comes out more when Carlos is around. I'm so glad they found each other again."

"I like Carlos a lot. Kendall, too. I bet it's great to be so close to them, for both of you."

"It's...never boring." Laughing, Logan picked up his mug and sipped again. "Damn, that's actually really good."

"So you guys are going to keep this apartment, right? Come back and visit once in a while?"

"Yeah, we talked it over and neither of us is willing to give up this place. It's special to us, the first home we shared. James says it's the first place he's ever truly felt at home in his life. Plus it's near the beach, and we already miss that. So we'll keep the apartment and use it when we come out to vacation. Kendall and Carlos can use it, too."

Faith studied Logan for so long that he finally had to ask. "What are you thinking?"

She shook her head, though. "How's the new hospital treating you?"

"Good. I miss you guys, but it's good there. The move was what we both needed."

"I'm not too happy about it, but I guess I'll live. Tommy and I might just have to spend our next vacation in Minnesota."

"That would be wonderful!" Logan exclaimed. "Come see us. You can see James in action at the club. If you think he's hot in regular clothes..." He smirked, watching her roll her eyes.

"I don't need that, thank you," Faith chuckled. "Tommy does the job nicely." They smiled at each other before she said hesitantly, "And the uh...his past. I'm not asking for details, but did he go back and do whatever he needed to do?"

"Yes," Logan answered, expression serious. "He made some mistakes before running away. He's doing his best to make up for them."

A thump on the glass behind him had Logan spinning around to see Carlos opening the door after rubbing his forehead.

"Yeah, it works best if you open the door first, Carlos!" James' voice called out from inside.

"Shut up, asshole! Logan! Logan, look! I got video of Luke riding the little car we got him!"

Logan leaned in to watch the tiny screen on Carlos' phone, Faith craning her neck to see as well.

"I told Kendall he'd love it! He thought it was too big for Luke."

Logan nodded. "It's perfect, dude. Look at him, he's having a blast on that thing."

"I know, wait for this. Just listen. Shhhh."

They all fell silent in an attempt to hear the audio, then picked up Luke's voice yelling "Mommy! Uncle James push me!"

"Oh my god," Logan whispered, a hand over his heart. "That kid worships him."

"Shhh!" Carlos warned.

Nina's voice came next. "No, baby, Uncle James isn't here. Tomorrow."

"Uncle James now!" His little mouth turned down into a pout.

"Later, Luke, later. Here, open this present."

The video ended then, Carlos bouncing on his feet. "Who has the greatest nephew in the whole world?"

"Uncle James, apparently," Logan smirked.

"Hey, that's _my_ nephew. But yeah, he does love James. Are you guys coming in soon? We want to open presents."

"A few more minutes," Faith answered. "I've missed Logan."

"Fine. Kendall!" Carlos yelled suddenly, remembering just in time to open the sliding glass door. "Kendall, look what Nina sent me!"

Faith and Logan chuckled together watching him go. "Told you. A couple of big kids."

"That child is adorable. Carlos' nephew?"

"Yes. We're all kind of uncles to him now, I guess. His father died when...well, James was indirectly responsible for his death. He's still beating himself up over it, but he's getting better."

"Oh." She wanted to ask more, but respect for Logan had her biting her tongue.

"He started a trust fund for Luke. Every dime he makes off his drawings goes into it, as well as a portion of the club's profits. It's helped him, I think. As does being there for Luke, babysitting when he can. That's always interesting," Logan smiled.

"Is he not dad material?"

"Actually...it's weird, Faith. He wants kids, really badly. I think being around Luke did that to him. I told him we're not ready for that yet, but someday...yeah. He'll make a great father."

"And you? You want kids?"

"I do. You know I love kids."

Nodding, Faith asked, "What would you do, adopt?"

"I don't think that would work. I mean, we could, but most adoption agencies would frown on his background and line of work. We certainly couldn't foster, either. He'd never go for that anyway."

"Why not? Kind of a trial basis thing, maybe."

"He'd get attached. Eventually we'd have to return the child to its parents and he wouldn't be able to handle it. I know that much. God, I love him."

"I can see that," Faith grinned. "So are you thinking surrogate?"

"Probably. I'd love to raise a child that came from him. And I think he'd like the same."

"Logan, you are glowing just talking about it. Make this happen."

"Someday," Logan nodded, the smile undying on his lips.

Feeling eyes on her, Faith looked up to see James watching them impatiently. "Come on, loverboy. Let's go open presents before the kids in there beat down the door."

Picking up their mugs, they moved into the warmth of the apartment, Logan not losing the chill completely until he was wrapped in James' arms. "I think we should have a surrogate mother for our children," he said softly, just loud enough that James would hear.

James' body went rigid, face in shock as he stared down into Logan's eyes. "Now? You're doing this now? Why do you always choose the worst possible time to say things that make me want to fuck you into oblivion, Logan?"

Hugging James as he giggled, Logan replied, "It's a gift."

* * *

Logan and his mother were moving around the room picking up discarded wrapping and boxes when James suddenly remembered the gift from Stacy. "Wait! Logan! Where's Stacy's present?"

"Oh, I think I set it on the bed when we changed. I'll get it."

Carlos and Kendall were cuddled up together in the plush chair in the living room, Faith and Tommy sitting in kitchen chairs they'd dragged over for the opening of presents. Mrs. Mitchell returned to the couch, sitting at one end to leave room for Logan to sit between herself and James, but as his path was blocked by the kitchen chairs he stood behind Faith after tossing James the box.

"I have no idea what this is, all she said was it's something I've always wanted."

"Maybe she got you Rice Krispie treats," Logan joked, resting his hands on the back of Faith's chair.

"Oh damn, I haven't had those in years. Logan, do you still remember the recipe?"

"Yes, Kendall. But you'll have to fight James for them."

"Mine," James mouthed silently to Kendall before returning his attention to the now-unwrapped box.

"I taught him the recipe, you know," Mrs. Mitchell hinted to Kendall. "You're welcome anytime, Kendall."

"Mom!" James gasped. "Stab me in the back!"

"Hush, you've got a future husband to make them for you."

"Oh. Right. I'm better now," James beamed, then lifted the top off the box. He pulled apart the folds of white tissue paper, his face freezing in shock and tears filling his eyes. "Oh my god," he whispered, hands shaking as he lifted out the bear dressed in doctor clothing. "Logan." Raising his face, James met Logan's eyes.

No one else in the room understood why the toy affected James so deeply (other than the obvious fact it was a doctor), but as none of them had ever seen James so shaken up, they knew this gift was one he would cherish for the rest of his life.

"There's a note," Mrs. Mitchell commented, gesturing toward it.

Swallowing, James read it out loud for Logan's benefit. "'I'm sorry it took me so long to return this to you, but you moved. It helped me when I was scared and reminded me that people like Dr. Logan are here to save us when we're sick. I bought one of my own, so you can have yours back now. I'm glad you found him.'"

Sensing that James was about to break down completely, Logan urged Faith to move so he could get through. She stopped him briefly to whisper, "I was right, you know. He _was_ running for a reason. That reason was to find you."

Nodding through his own tears, Logan squeezed between the chairs to wrap his arms around James, who had his arms wrapped around the bear. They held each other tight, both of them so aware of how easily fate could've chosen a different path for them, the toy a symbol of not only what brought them together, but held them together when it had seemed all was lost. It had been a journey through the darkness of memories eclipsed by fear and pain, a mystery they'd been afraid to solve at times because the light might burn them beyond repair. Instead it had warmed them and brightened up the darkest corners of their lives, pushing them toward a future James deserved and would not have had the courage to find without Logan guiding him and holding him steady.

Never again would they wish to be kept in the dark.

XXXXX


End file.
